Hey, here for your very late review (no excuses for being late; I just didn't go on and check my topic),
So, I like how Caddock's reaction to the news about Beckett showed just how close they were, even for partners. However, he certainly did a lot of bashing on the American government, didn't he? But, grief does a lot to a person.
Well done; his reactions were spot-on to the situation at hand. Character development is growing even more.Author's Response: Yeah, I'm hoping to do a lot of developing the idea of early wizarding America, so hopefully I'll have a chance to do that with the story as I try to force it out of my mind. Report Review
Hey, here again,
So, you sure are taking no time in getting rid of these men, are you? Well, I like it. I like it a lot. I had a feeling it would be Benjamin who would be next; he was far too easy for her to get.
The Deer Woman..., is that a real thing (legend) or something? It sounds like it. If so, I'll definitely have to give it a look. This woman is interesting and very good at what she does, I'll give her that. She's taking these guys down like it's nothing.
All right, I truly don't have anything to actually critique as I was too into the story. Your description of New Orleans is wonderful, and nearly exactly how my brother described it when he took a trip there. It's definitely a place I've always wanted to go to; if not just to eat the food there.
So, all in all, lovely chapter. The characters were more than interesting, the description great, and the flow done well. The story is moving right along, and I love it.
P.S. You asked in my last review about me feeling bad for the vampire. Yeah, I truly did. That man was about to get a meal and everything got flipped around on him. I felt bad; he never got his meal.Author's Response: Yes, the Deer Woman is a real legends, and it isn't just limited to one tribe (it stretches from the Mississippi to the Pacific), so it really does make you think. And I suppose it does make it a little hard to feel any sympathy for a Deer Woman when she clearly has no problem killing people. But think of this as karma biting Barnabas where it hurts. Report Review
Hello there, gingersnape here with your review!
I can't wait to read Chapter 4, and I'm very excited to get to continue reviewing this!It's all so interesting, and like I said before, I'm hooked.
I think Annie Two-Moons is my new favorite character, because I feel like I already know her as well as a lot about her personality, even though I haven't read much about her. She's fairly open and yet mysterious, and I really like how she's developing so far in the story.
I really liked how well you showed Caddock's frustration at his difficulties in his investigation as it really added to how I could relate to him. Well, nobody I know has recently been thrown in a food processor or the likes, but I felt like I could share a bit of frustration with him and that really helped in my reading of it.
As for other comments on this chapter, I don't have much since I've already squeed about Annie Two-Moons. Oh well, I'll try to give you everything I've got. :)
I liked how Caddock seemed a bit unsure of himself and what he was supposed to do without a partner. While he is still an Auror, it was nice to see how realistic it all is, from his flaws to how he keeps jumping back to his poor partner in everything he does.
Spelling/Grammar: Erm... at one point I saw "nowing" instead of "Knowing." And that's about it for mistakes that I could catch.
Pacing/Flow: As always, 'twas splendid. Just in that sweet spot of not too fast to be confusing but not too slow to be boring. This is probably getting repetitive, but I haven't got anything wrong about it, so the only way to change it would be to use different adjectives. :)
I can't wait for Chapter 4 and good luck in writing the rest of the story! It really is inspiring just how intriguing this story is, and I look forward to finding put more information on the Deer Woman.
Happy New Years, though it might be getting a bit late to say that,
-gingerAuthor's Response: Thank you for the kind words of encouragement, and I am hard at work on chapter 4, making wonderful progress, and it feels great. Report Review
Hello, Reyes here for your requested review,
Now, you have certainly pulled me into this story. I love dark stories, and I could tell this is going to be one heck of a dark story.
At first, I was so concerned about this woman who was about the be demolished by this charming vampire (love vampires; one of my favorite creatures), but once she starts to egg him to follow her, I had a feeling something was wrong. There's not too many (sober) woman who would lead a strange man into a dark alley at night. I wanted to scream for the vampire to run away, find a meal somewhere else, but he foolishly followed.
You have me so interested in finding out who this girl is. She destroyed him. I loved every bit of it.
All right, as for some critique, I couldn't really find much by going through it one time. Your description of the area was wonderful in the beginning. And for the characters, there wasn't exactly much said about them since this is a prologue (and I probably won't know anymore about poor Barnabas), but this strange woman is very interesting. She knows how to get and lure in her prey. I thought she was wonderfully written. Excellent work,
-Reyes91Author's Response: You feel bad for the vampire? You weren't the least be concerned that he was most likely going to kill that young woman before we learned she could kill him back? But I'm glad you liked it, and you are going to learn a little more about Barnabas in the next chapter I am working on. Report Review
Hello again, gingersnape once again with a review for you!
Once more, same format as the other reviews. This way of having the four categories is a really great way of doing it, and it fits this story very well, so I think I'll stick with it and not change it for this review. By the way, I would love to continue with this story, so if you'd like me to keep going, just pop over to the thread. No need to worry about your form, unless your areas of concern have changed. Then you can just mention that in the post if you'd like me to keep on going. =]
Plot: Have I mentioned how incredible it is before? I don't really have much else to say other than that I hope the Americans prove him wrong and are more helpful than Beckett thinks they will be. The ones who have the least credit are the ones most fun to watch, so I really want to see how it all develops.
Characters: Again, same thing as the Chapter 1 list with all of the names, except the list will have changed. =]
Caddock Beckett - I still think that he's a bit like Hermione, but I'm warming up to him. (Well, he's always been a well written character, but I didn't like his character in the story until this chapter.) Anyway, he's still as well written as ever, and I can't think of much else to say about him, other than think how he reacted to Benjamen's death was well done and it seemed realistic.
The New Orleans Silencer - Boy is she creepy! Scary, but I don't they know enough about her to be scared of her yet, just enough to know that they should be scared.
Genevieve Marcelle - I haven't really made up my mind on what to think about her. I did like the contrast between her and the Deer Woman, and I liked that her robes were, “fawn brown.” That tied in nicely with the story I suppose, but it wasn't to obvious or anything. On one hand, I see her as professional and doing her job, but I feel like something's off by her suggesting that he go home, but m not sure if she wanted to get rid of him or help ease his pain... so many questions! Anyway, I think I'm trying to say that like how little we know about her and yet she doesn't seem the mysterious type or the kind to not spill everything.
The French Girl - I don;t know what else to call her, but I really liked that she was spending her time outside of Beauxbatons in New Orleans and that she was there for a reason. We didn't see very much of her, but the bits she was in were great.
Flow and Pacing: Lovely. Absolutely lovely. Same as before, nice to read, not too rushed that it' needs rereading, but not too slow that it needs to be sped up.
Spelling and Grammar: "She was a rather plain-looking woman, nothing remarkable ugly about her." I think there should have been an "or" in there, but that's about it.
I've really enjoyed this story, and please update soon! =]
-gingerAuthor's Response: I was looking for insperation to continue writing this story once again, and I hope that future chapters meet with your satisfaction! Report Review
Hello again, gingersnape again with a review for you!
So, same thing as last time, with the different categories on the chapter. =]
Plot: Amazing. I had no idea that was coming, but when it hit me, it was amazing how much of an impact it had on my understanding on what The Deer Woman (because I can't spell her name on my own... =C) is doing. It's developing well and doing a wonderful job of giving out the right information with how murder mysteries normally work, except this isn't a normal murder story, but i guess it follows the same pattern as usual riddle stories do, so either way, it's developing well and very strong.
Characters: For this I'll go down the list with a paragraph or so on all the major characters in this, since they are now defined and shown as characters who will be important to the plot of the story. =D
Benjamin Leroq - I like how he's not as serious as Beckett, but he's still pretty serious about his job when he needs to be. I had no idea what was coming towards him until it was too late and had already started, upon which I realized it might have been coming if I looked a little deeper at the earlier part of the chapter and his characterization. Brilliant.
Caddock Beckett - I think he'll be out main Auror in the investigation, since Leroq might no be in the best condition to assist him. Anyway, being the more serious of them, I see him as the more likely to get the investigation done, but I see him like Hermione and very smart and serious about work, but also close minded about who could be the killer. Anyway, he's very well portrayed and amazingly written.
The New Orleans Silencer - Since that's what she is referred to in this chapter, I'll go with that. Wow she is creepy, but she knows how to get her victims without protest from them, and she is absolutely brilliant. One thing related to her was that it said she had claimed her ninth victim (the vampire) but then it said at the end that she had said, "die white man..." to eight other men on eight separate occasions. Is that meant to be a different number (you never can tell with these mysterious stories :D) or if it was a typo.
Pierre Rouge - Hmm, I liked his characterization of being so creepy, yet confessing so quickly. I really am wondering if he will show up again, because it said "As far as both the British and American Ministries were concerned, the case was closed." Anyway, I reread this chapter many times over looking for anything I could give some CC on, and this jumped out at me on the eighth time or so. Anyway, if I'm over reading (which I tend to do) then I apologize for not having anything better to say about Rouge, but if we do see Rouge again, I will be interested to see where that goes.
Flow and Pacing: Very smooth and really enjoyable to read. The whole thing felt very fluid and incredibly well written. I can’t think of much else on it, other than good job for not having many mistakes at all in your story.
Spelling and Grammar: Other than the things I pointed out above, it was spotless. I really tried to find something for you, but I couldn't get anything to point out.
I'll be back in just a bit with another review for you!
-gingerAuthor's Response: Oh, you would know I am a sucker for flattery! Report Review
Hello, gingersnape here from the forums!
Before I dive into the review, which will mostly be praise since I can't find flaws, I should probably admit that I'm hooked. Absolutely and positively hooked on this story. See, I read the prologue and sat down to go review it, but my curiosity got the better of me, so now I'm up to Chapter 3 and dying to know what happens. Anyway, let the reviewing commence!
Since you specified several things in your request, I'll answer them first and then do my usual flow and pacing thing and a spelling and grammar thing. This will probably be fairly short and not too helpful because I don't have any notes on things to point out, but I'm going to try and add in as much as I can for you, even though there isn't much that could really be improved. =]
Plot: It's brilliant! Incredibly unique, absolutely amazing, and certainly intriguing to say the least. I really do love good murder story, and New Orleans is one of my favorite cities to have anything set in because it's so interesting, and it feels fairly different from other American cities, so when you give me a well written well developed murder story set in New Orleans, I am a very happy camper.
Anyway, I thought it was an incredibly brilliant and really different from other stories I've read on the archives. It's something that is hard to find and every twist is completely unexpected, but it was mentioned before, so it was just a matter of misreading bits and pieces of the puzzle.
Characters: In the prologue you have a very good example of what proper vampires are (I shouldn't get into Twilight/Harry Potter, but I will say the status of vampires has gone down, so having a strong vampire who has more to him than expected.) and he does an amazing job of pointing out just how cunning and powerful the Deer Woman is, and also how weak humans (specifically men, based on her tactics, but I suppose women are also weak and fall for things that are too good to be true as well.) are that they will fall for things that seem just too good to be true.
Oooh! So I have to give you major points for her name and all. Hehe, popped it into google because I was curious for anymore information on her I could get on the Deer Woman and I find it amazing how well planned out everything feels, from the details on the city to such a great name for her. I really liked all of the references to her animal self, which I haven't completely figured out yet, but I really want to know.
Flow and Pacing: Amazing. The sentences and the words fell into each other beautifully. The way the story was told from the word choice to the sentence structure was all marvelous. As for pacing, it was just slow enough yet mixed with being rushed and it was perfect for a prologue.
Spelling and Grammar: Erm... you had an “n” missing from never when Barnabas said he hadn't ever tasted Indian in it's purest form. And I think there was something else, but I can't find it now. Yeah, so it was pretty close to faultless as far as spelling and grammar goes.
I really enjoyed reading this story, and I can't wait to get to go over the next few chapters since this really is an amazing story! Creepy and very scary, but in a way I really like and is incredibly difficult to write into stories. Beautifully done and it did an amazing job at pulling me into the story, which is the point of a first chapter or prologue.
Have a wonderful day, and I'll be back with another review for you soon,
-gingerAuthor's Response: Wow, you really know how to make a nice long review, and I'm glad I've made a fan of you. Report Review
Well this is an intriguing story at the very least. Is the Dear Woman a real Native American legend, or one that comes from your own imagination? I don't know a lot about North American myths and legends, but I'm finding this story fascinating. I hope you update soon.Author's Response: Yes, to answer your question, the Deer Woman is indeed a real Native American legend. You'll learn more about it as the story progresses. Report Review
Another wonderful chapter! I really like the way you portray Craddock in this chapter- he's very believable, and the perfect main character for this type of story. I also liked how you introduced Annie Two-Moons, and the prejudice against her. I can't wait for the next chapter!Author's Response: Well, I can't wait till I actually write the next chapter! Report Review
This is such a good story- I can't believe it has so few reviews! The atmosphere of New Orleans is shown so evocatively, and I'm really intrigued by the murders. I can't wait for more!Author's Response: Well, I intend to keep writing. Report Review
I've got to say, I really love everything about this story. Its full to the brim with originality and flair. The characters, even though we are only three chapters in, are well fleshed out and the mystery is very intriguing. I love a murder mystery, and the Harry Potter twist you've put on it is great becaue it isn't too blatant. Kudos for originality, and I'm favouriting straight away :)
xxxAuthor's Response: I am glad you like it so much, and hope you will keep reading. Report Review
“You are not human,” he remarked, more to himself than the young woman, who clearly knew exactly what she was.
Interesting story so far.Author's Response: I hope you will keep reading and reviewing. Report Review
Now I'm hooked on another one.
I only saw one small typo. It was an 'ever' that should have been 'never'.
"...but Barnabas had ever tasted it in its purest form."
Other than that, clean as a whistle.
As to the story, very original, and interesting. But, I'm a sucker for the North American angle, so maybe it's just me!
Very scary woman-creature!
I'm looking foward to more! 9/10Author's Response: I hope it continues to scare. Not at a the level of Stephen King, but still scary. Report Review
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