This is a really interesting story, but I'm a little confused by the various different locations. There's Talsa, ruled by Queen Johanna, where Zarad is from; Hajakra, ruled by King Saar; and Ihlorak, ruled by Baradan...right?Author's Response: Thanks for the review! When... er... if I get back to writing (I'm horrible at continuing things -.-) I'll try to clear it up a little better. After a while it *should* get easier. But yes, you have correctly identified the rulers and their kingdoms. ^.^ Report Review
I really enjoyed it. The meeting between Zarad and the Queen was well-written, and I love how you explained about the 'he' Johanna and Nathaniel referred to in the first chapter. Evena is also an interesting character, and I love how you wrote her struggling in that dress. That must've made quite the impression on the King. =D I'm looking forward to see how Jo's characters are going to be involved here and who would be successful in summoning them. ^_^ Good job! Can't wait to read more!Author's Response: Hehe, poor Evena! :P Jo's characters are coming, I promise, along with the third chapter! It's nearly done, but there's a new story I want to start posting before I continue this one. Report Review
Hi! This is Potterholic from the forum. I apologize for the delay. Life has been a little out of control lately. =) Anyway, this is an interesting start! I love the idea of the plot and the mystery that surrounds this chapter. There were a lot of OCs introduced here, but you gave each of them such a defined characteristic, even the executor, that it's easy to tell who is who the whole time. The places take some time to remember, but I'm sure soon enough I'll get used to them. ^_^
I love the tone of the narration and dialogue; it fits the era really well. It's rather dark, but there's also a good bit of humour there. All in all, I'm hooked. Off to the next chapter!Author's Response: Hi, Potterholic! Sorry it took me so ridiculously long to answer this. I'm really glad you liked it! Thank you! Report Review
Hi, it's WeasleyTwins here to review as you requested. I would like to apologize for the delay.
I definitely stand by what I said in my first review. The characterizations are absolutely perfect when it comes to each and every character. I feel like I've been reading about these characters forever, you write so convincingly. You've got a spectacular writing style and the descriptions are top-notch.
ShelbyAuthor's Response: Aww, thanks again! Your reviews always seem to make me happy. :D Report Review
Another good chapter.Author's Response: Thanks again! Report Review
Well, it's a good start to a story, you're descriptive in this new world of new characters you've created.Author's Response: Thanks, Urvi! Report Review
Hello, it's WeasleyTwins here to review as you requested. I would like to apologize for the delay before I begin :]
Hmm, so you're concerned with the characterization of the OCs and the plot. Well, I believe you have done an excellent job with the OCs thus far. As far as queens go, I believe that Johanna is very regal and refined, something all queens should be. Zarad is quite interesting. It's intriguing that magicians aren't seen as powerful beings, such as Zarad. He is just a peasant. I find it interesting, indeed. I do wonder how Jacob, Mora, and Rhea fit into the story. All these characters are perfect, characterization wise. They're not Mary-Sues, you've given them a lot of thought.
The plot is awesome! I can't wait to see how you tie all of the characters in with Ron and Hermione. Your description is phenomenal! You give plenty and it doesn't bore me with useless details. Overall, this is fantastic!
ShelbyAuthor's Response: -huggles Shelby- I would like the apologize for the delay in replying. D: I thought I had!
I'm glad you like the characters and plot -- two seconds ago I was debating just throwing it all away (haven't udpated in ages...) but now I'm nearly done with Chapter 3 and HOPEFULLY I'll actually write number four right away. Dx
Jacob, Mora, and Rhea. I've got a bit of a soft spot for Jacob. I don't know what it is, but I pity him.
-goes to finish writing chapter three- Thanks so much for the great review! Report Review
Me again, happy to review another chapter. I really liked the gardners sons accent, I know that accents can be difficult and you pulled it off quite effortlessly, nice job.
I also like the pert attitude of Jacob, even in the face of such a foe :) You are really bringing the characters around into people that I can believe in :)
I like how this chpater only included two different POV's it lessens the confusion although I realize why you needed to so many in the first chapter this really does feel like it is smoother when they arent all so pushed up together.
Great work so far, let me know when you have more and I would be happy to come back and check it out.Author's Response: The PoVs will eventually be narrowed down until there will only be one per chapter (although probably not the same character every chapter). Thanks for the great review, SpringTime! :D Glad you liked it! Report Review
Another superb chapter.
I thought that Nathaniel was just a messenger so I was surprised that it was HIM who told Zarad that 'they' would give him a chance. Also I am a little bit afraid for the people of this city if the person running it can not hold themselves together in front of a little bit of magic lol I really like Nathaniel though, and I think that as characters, he and the Queen have an interesting chemistry that is captivating to read.
Again, Evena was my favorite part of this chapter.
Thank you for requesting, it was a pleasure to read
~Ginnyfan4lifeAuthor's Response: Nathaniel, while only a messenger, is very close to Johanna, so while his technical position isn't very high, he still has a bit of authority. Yes, Johanna isn't quite as "together" as she'd like to appear.
Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
Wow. Amazingly well written, no wonder you are a NaNoWriMo winner.
There is so much information and detail in this chapter, yet it kept my attention 100% from start to finish and I have remembered all of the details ( hopefully).
one mistake I noticed:
The best of you will be given 20,000 gold coins and knighted by the queen.
should be: The best of you will be given 20,000 gold coins and be knighted by the Queen.
- i think.
All of the OC's are very interesting and this was a great introduction to them; the one that I enjoyed reading about most was the mysterious peasant girl. I liked that you used Jacob to lighted the mood of the chapter a little bit, poor him though in the end there.
I expect this story will have a plot full of twists and turns with few holes, I can't wait to see how it unfolds.
~Ginnyfan4life from the forums.Author's Response: :D Thanks, although technically NaNoWriMo has only to do with length.
Ooh, mistake! Good catch! I'll be sure to change that, pronto.
I have such a soft spot for Jacob it's not even funny. :P I didn't like him much at first, but I think he's grown on me...
Thanks for the lovely review, Ginnyfan! Report Review
This was great! Much better than the previous chapter, this one added depth to the story and we begin to feel more connected with the characters. I can't think of any problems worth noting about.
Have a good Christmas!Author's Response: Thanks again, Illuminate! Report Review
Hello, here from the forums. I think that this story has started off well, it is a nice mystery so far and I think I can guess maybe what might happen to bring Hermione and Ron here at some point.
The only thing that I think needs some more work really is the last bit with Jacob, Mora and Rhea. It was a little confusing trying to figure out who Rhea was by the way that you had introduced her, if maybe I knew that it was more than just Mora with Jacob at first I think it would have flowed better. I was also wondering where Rhea went once Jacob and Mora entered the house?
There are a lot of odd names (which is perfectly normal in a fantasy fic) but maybe you should cut this chapter in half and then put more detail into the characters so we get a better understanding for them, otherwise you just introduced us to 20 different characters almost all with odd names and different places that they come from...it is just s suggestion.
I really do like your writing and i think you have the potential for a really good fic, just make sure that the fantasy and otherworldy element doesnt over ride the characterization, because good characterization is what really makes a story.
Hope that helped and let me know when you post again if you want another review :)Author's Response: First off, Mora IS the only one with Jacob - Rhea is only mentioned. But I do understand where the confusion comes from. She was only spoken of by Jacob when he was trying to lift Mora's spirits, and then Jacob remembers one of Rhea's recent ploys. So she was never with them. One line even says: 'The only reason Rhea had stayed behind on this burglary was a meeting scheduled with Lord Lyken and his son, Laym.'
I hope that helps.
The characters will be described in more detail as the story progresses, I promise! Over time they will, hopefully, develop prominent personalities, and it will become easier to tell each character from the next. The second chapter is in the queue at the moment, and although I already know I've got at least two typos in it, I think it's less confusing than the first.
Thank you for the review, especially the concrit! I'll be sure to let you know when the second chapter is validated. :) Report Review
So far, so good. This first chapter is well written and despite the rather lot of information that we have to remember (names of places etc), the characterization of the characters are very believable and natural. Normally AU's aren't my thing but this seems very readable.
If ever you need more reviews then don't hesitate to drop by the forum! :DAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review, Illuminate! I'll be sure to stop by again sometime! :D Report Review
I am here to leave my review.
Where did you come up with all the names?? they are all so wonderful and different.
There are some parts, and probably due to the confusing sounding names, you should explain who/where/what they are at the same time when they are introduced into the story.
When the two kids are sneaking into the house, you should descibe what the building looks like and what they hear and see. Along in a lot of other places, just because it's a new world for the reader- you need a lot more detail to let them see what it's like and it would paint a better picture for the reader.
But it's really nice, it's completely different to anything I ever read, did you get the idea from 'Beetle The Bard'? because it feels like a story in that book. =]
9/10Author's Response: Most of the names came from clicking endlessly on a Random Name Generator (lazy way to go about it, I know :P) but some of them I looked up meanings, and a couple I just plain made up.
Detail. I fail. xD Hopefully I'll be getting better at that. I need to remember to put words to the picture in my mind.
I hadn't read BtB at the time, but I have now, and it kind of does sound like that sort of thing.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Hello, I'm here to review as you asked ^_^
Mhm, where to start?
Well first of all, I love that you have created all these fantastic places and characters, your own fictional universe inside a fictional universe, it's brilliant.
I have to say, this story reminds me of a fairy tale, not that that is a bad thing of course.
I think the story could have used a bit more detail in places, certainly near the end where Jacob breaks into that place, and the plot lost me slightly in places, but that isn't to say I didn't enjoy it. I think your style is both creative and imaginative.
Did you come up with the names of all these places/characters yourself?
If so, bravo to you, I think their truly brilliant names.
I'm interested to find out more about "Him", the person that Queen Johanna mentions, and the threat he poses to the existence of their world.
Very intruiging story and I'm incredibly interested to find out more, well done (:Author's Response: Detail, eurgh. Detail is the enemy. xD I will work on it, I swear! It's one of my many weaknesses.
Yes, the places and some of the character names are completely my own, but some of the names were, I admit, found online.
Thanks for the great review, Liam! :D Report Review
Hello - Here to review as requested :D
First off, I LOVE that you have created your own universe inside a universe here! It's brilliant, creative and very hard to do and you seem to have done it very well so I think I should give you a round of applauses or something...even tho you won't actually here them :P
This is also a great set up for what you've said in your summary and giving the little warning about HP characters not appearing until later is a good touch. The characters and the world it's self sounds very intresting and looks to be a very refreshing break from the usual HP world.
I think that some of the characters and scenes could do with a bit more discription simply because this is an entirly new and unknown world to us readers and we have no idea what it looks like in your head.
But otherwise, this looks to be a brilliant LOTR's style story and I can't wait to read more!
9.5/10 :)Author's Response: Who needs to hear to hear the applause if I can read the review? :P
I think it's going to be fun, writing HP fanfiction in a non-HP world, and it's reassuring to hear (or rather, see) people who approve of the idea.
I'm hoping the second chapter, which I'm finally working on right now, will have more description, but I'm glad you pointed that out - it's really easy for me to just forget about writing the detail when I've got the whole picture in my mind and can see it for myself. I keep forgetting that even if I can see it, the readers can't if I don't show them. :P
Thanks for the review, Sammy!
~Wildheart Report Review
Oh my gosh.
You write so good!! I'm like totally speechless. You write amazingly and there seriously weren't any mistakes. This was so great.
Wow. I don't have much else to say. Perfect!
10/10Author's Response: I certainly don't know about "perfect," but I'm so glad you like it!
~Wildheart Report Review
Wow, this is very, very intriguing. Your writing is amazing. To me it seems flawless and is also easy to read. the characters all left an impression upon me, that's always a good thing and I'm now wondering how will this tie up into the Harry Potter world. probably by the magic, I guess. Anyway, you've created something very original, I can say from reading this beginning. The descriptions are vivid and the characters really interesting, like I already said. Also the entire premise of this gripped me from the very beginning. I'm glad I finally read it, the OCs were very good in this chapter. I'm putting this into my favorites and will be keepin track of it. Wonderful job so far! :)Author's Response: I keep staring at the word "flawless" and wondering whose story you're reading - it can't be mine!
Needless to say I am very thankful for your review, even though it took me a month and a half to say so. The second chapter is finally going to submitted for validation sometime soon, and for once I actually mean SOON. I've been working on it for most of the day now, and I'm over halfway done.
~Wildheart Report Review
I'm here from the forums!
Well, I've gotta sa that this is definitely new (in a good way!). This is an original idea, and the ending was intruging. I'm curious to see how you'll develop the story through later chapters.
Alert me when your next chapter's out, I'd like to read it. :)Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time to review! :) Report Review
Nice story it had a great plot and I can't wait to see what it evolves into. I like how magic is welcomed insted of feared and I think you're doing a very good job with writing back into a completly diffrent time period. A lot of people have trouble with writing back into the "medieval" days but you've given everyone nice personalites and made it very realistic
The fountain of blood was very creative and a good on the edge of your seat moment. Did you make that up yourself or was that something that they really did? Either way, it was a really good bit to put into your story. The girl was great with making the guard bald. :)
Another question, did they have wands? I didn't notice any being mentioned in the writing so far. Are you having everyone use nv nonwand magic? They must be really good then.
I found little or none gramatic errors, great job! 10/10Author's Response: Wow. Thanks! :sweat: This is all so new to me, writing in the medieval days... especially when it's in a totally made-up world.
Which brings us to the next part. I made up the bit about the fountain of blood. This world and their customs are taken entirely from my own imagination. If there was a culture that did the whole blood-ritual thing this way, than I give them my assurances that I didn't steal on purpose!
No, they didn't have wands. Again, different world, different way of doing things. They have different incantations (although sometimes, like you mentioned, they can do it nonverbally) and they don't need wands to make the spells easier. Also, in this time and place, magic is common knowledge for the most part. That's one of the things that will be shown more clearly once the HP world is brought into play.
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Wow. This is truly amazing. The writing is not only fabulous, but the plot is the thing that really catches the eye and takes the breath away. This is obviously very well thought-out and planned, and takes place quite a while ago. The queen is my favorite character so far...I love her mannerisms (so common back then but so refreshing to read right now!) and how she speaks. Zarad the Magacian makes second, because he is so interesting and one of those possible-turn-to-the-darkside characters. At first, I was a bit confused as to what it had to do with the Harry Potter world (I read the Author's note afterwards...I refuse to read them and summaries so they do not spoil anything for me and so that I am partly in the atmosphere of reading an actual novel), but soon enough, I realized the true originality of it.
The characterizations really caught my eye also. They are all very well thought out and are very interesting.
I think I've ran out of things to say - This story is on my favorites for sure and I truly cannot wait to see where it leads. It's not often when I come across truly original stories on HPFF (...but strangely, I've been reading quite a few of them lately...) but this is really one of them. Please update soon! 10/10.
~EstrellaAuthor's Response: Gotta say, loving the positive feedback. :P Yeah, the lack of immediate Harry Potter interaction is making me a little nervous - I mean, it's possible that people who read it will have it in their head as Original Fiction the whole time they're reading the beginning, and then BAM, suddenly they have to adjust to the HP world being involved. :| If only I knew of a way to ease into it. Sadly, I don't.
Thanks for reading and reviewing! I owe you one. Plus the rest of the reviewers, whether their comments still exist or not! Report Review
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