Hey, it's wenderbender from the forums!
Wow, this is definitely unique. I love the plot (the "Get Snape Laid Fund"? Brilliant!) and Tonks already! I only have a few suggestions that I think would help land this story on a zillion readers' favorites list...
The first thing is flow. Your plot is extremely funny, but it reads a bit like when someone gets the timing wrong on a joke, especially in the beginning. I think you could easily fix this just by changing the speaker tags--you tend to use "she said" and "he said" over and over again for every spoken line, which you don't really need. Mix it up a bit--speaker tags like squeaked, sighed, groaned, moaned, babbled, muttered, would add some color...or you could just describe the tone of voice (sarcastically, evilly, sweetly, tonelessly, etc.). In a number of places, I think it would be more natural just to leave off the speaker tag entirely, and have the spoken quote just on it's own...this works particularly well during longer one-on-one conversations, where the speaker is clear and it gets boring to see "he said, she said" over and over.
The other thing that bothered me was that I kept getting Tonks' friends mixed up...I think the part where you describe them, their backgrounds and give their names could use a little more clarity. You do the introductions all at once when Tonks sits down to breakfast, but I think if you break it up some more, the reader would understand more easily. For instance, you start the story with a funny anecdote about girls getting ready for the day in the Hufflepuff dorms. Maybe you could expand that scene a little and introduce Tonks' female friends (Asha and Josie, right?) then. There could be some dialogue, a little scuffle over the mirror, one girl could moan that she's jealous of Tonks' morphing abilities...that sort of thing. Then, when they get down to breakfast, introduce the guys there. I was also a bit confused about Josie's brother being in Ravenclaw, I think that could use a little more up-front explanation when you introduce him (just a line explaining why he's at the Hufflepuff table for breakfast).
My final suggestion is about Snape. The part where he confronts Tonks is, well...strange. I mean, you say he's angry, but he doesn't SEEM angry. Maybe add some more description--his body language (is he red-faced or pale with anger? Sweating? Maybe his hands are balled into fists? Or maybe he's so calm it's scary?), the way he speaks or smiles...for example, you write "Snape stood in front of her and smiled. 'I haven't issued you your detention yet,' he said angrily. His voice was as deep as ever." Okay, he's smiling...is it an evil smile that promises pain and suffering? If I don't read that, I assume it's a friendly smile...but then, that doesn't fit with the fact that he speaks "angrily." It might work better if you say he hisses in a too-calm way, or that the smile was fake. Also, what do you mean by "deep voice?" Is it deep as in evil/scary, or deep as in attractive? (Personally, I find deep voices very attractive, lol).
Anyway, other than those small suggestions I really like this story. Your characterizations of McGonagall and Sprout are spot on, especially the bit about McGonagall not allowing colored hair in her class. I thought that Sprout's punishment of Tonks and her friends was also well done and believable. Overall, 7/10, and I think it could EASILY become 10/10 with just a few adjustments. Definitely rerequest when the next chapter is up, I would love to find out what happens!
xoxo wenderbender Report Review
It's Happy_Hexer from the forums.
An unusual plot. I liked the "Get Snape Laid Fund".
Parts of the plot are a bit abrubt and rushes but I laughed at parts =)
8/10 Report Review
I'm here with my review :) I haven't done this for a while, sorry for the wait on it. So before I begin I might be a bit rusty, but I'll try my best to be helpful.
First line, you said 'during breakfast', but wouldn't they be in the Great Hall then, it's just slightly not direct enough. What about 'in the mornings'? It's just my opinion, you don't have to go with it.
Okay, I'm not trying to be nit-picky or anything, but just a wording of a sentence got to me, it was when you called the bags under Asha's eyes 'strange' but why are they strange? You could call them strange if they didn't know why she had them, but they did, so you could use words like 'permanent' 'dark' etc,
They seem to come up with the idea of Snape getting laid very abruptly, it might be better if you added something beforehand, like they had a conversation about how to make Snape happier.,
You seem to rush between scenes, which kind of loses me because I would like to read more detail and see everything that's happening in front of me, like add in more on what they're wearing, what the rooms are like and what they're expressions are.
You might want to recheck it for grammar and spelling mistakes, I spotted a few of them.
One last thing, is when Sprout and McGonagall come into the Dorm, Sprout says 'custody', that's what cops say, not teachers. Probably just take it out, it didn't seem right.
It has a good plot and would be hilarious to read, but it's just rushed a tad too fast for me to really enjoy it. Just slow down and it would be a fab read.
Hope you keep writing!! :)Author's Response: Thanks, yeah I meant Asha's eyes as a permanet ring of darkness. And the story was basically was written to be a one shot. So that's probably why I rushed things a bit. Also I was hoping no one read it until the BeTa version was Validated. I don't know if you read it or not or if it would of helped. lol I keep getting confused about the rules. One Validator rejected this chapter while another accepted. So I'm not sure if I should keep writing it at least not on HPFF. Report Review
Seems like an interesting story so far. And lol @ "Get Snape Laid Fund".
Hmm, I think an Auror would probably have to know the Patronus spell, for sure. And it's one of the harder spell to learn, too. Probably would have to know some advanced defense spells as well. Can't think of specific ones now, though.Author's Response: Thanks I figure the Patronus charm was a given I guess I have to give it some serious thought. I've suddenly had trouble with this story getting rejected then validated then rejected again lol. Oh well thanks for you review. Report Review
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