Hey there, just found this in a rec thread and decided to R&R. :)
The way you've made Tom almost-normal is absolutely fantastic. He's got the imagination of a young child, but you've taken that and twisted it until it balances on the fine line between action-hero-violence and psycho-violence, and then taken it even further to just plain what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-this-kid.
Okay, so I'm not sure whether that sentence was very coherent, so I'm going to just say that you have excellent characterisation, mostly of young children, but especially of broken young children, which the orphanage seems to be full of. That... I couldn't even possibly attempt to write that myself. I absolutely could not do it. You, however, manage to make them seem extremely natural, so well done on that.
And the last sentence was amazing.
They lived together, playing silently and alone, their six-year-old imaginations choking and gasping for life in the colorless world.
Wow. That seems to characterise a lot of the broken children in Harry Potter, doesn't it? You could've said that about Severus or Ariana or even Merope or Harry himself.
Anyway - 10/10, and I'm favouriting this. :) Report Review
This was freaking awesome! Its a question/mystery we all pondered when reading the book, and this has the feel of something that came straight out of the pages itself! Great job =]Author's Response: Thank you so much! I really appreciate your review and I'm so glad you liked it ^-^ Report Review
I did love it! It was very good but Tom scares me! He creeps me out! Very good especially on Tom's part. I keep saying it's good so I must have liked it! Also I'm very exclamatory! But this is going in my favorites to reread at will!Author's Response: Thank you! XD Tom scared me, too. It was actually kind of weird to write him because I had to put myself in his mind. Thank you so much! Report Review
This was great to read. I've always wondered what he did to them exactly and this was really believable since he was always associated to snakes. You pulled him off really well, creepy but not incredibly creepy since he was still little =D. I wonder if they ever told anybody what he did to them (when they grew older). I sure hope so...Author's Response: Thank you! I figured it would be interesting to explore this missing moment of HBP, and I'm glad you liked it! Writing Voldemort was really difficult, so it means a lot to hear that you thought it was good. Thank you so much ^_^ Report Review
Wow that was fantastic!! Very realistic like something that could of come right out of the book!! I've often wonderd what alful thing Tom might of done to them but I never really wanted to think about it because I was sure it would be terrifying, which this story was. In the good way though, if thats even possible. Goodness, I'm rambeling, sorry but to sum it up amazing story!!Author's Response: Thank you! Right out of the book? Wow, what a compliment ^_^ Thank you so much! Report Review
Hi, I'm here to review. Sorry it's taken me forever to get to your story. :(
Anyway, great story. Nice and believable characterization of ickle Tom! I love his sadistic side and I can see him become the Dark Lord someday. Even torturing pets he enjoys. I also adore you writing style and description. It catches the readers' attention, and makes them want to read more. I'll definitely check out your other stories. :)Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so glad you liked my Tom. He was hard to get right, but it means a lot to know that you can see him turning into evil voldy. Thank you so much for the praise! Report Review
This story was fantastic.
You have excellent description that just grabs the reader and draws you in. It's magnificent. Poor rabbit. :[[ But it's great too, you portray Tom just as he should be.
Mrs. Cole was a little confusing, but other than that it was great!!
10/10Author's Response: Thank you! It means a lot to know that you were interested the whole way through. And Tom was difficult to write so thanks for saying he was written well. Thanks again ^_^ Report Review
Bone-chilling. That was wonderfully written. You add the perfect amount of detail. There's not so much that it bores the read, but there's so much that you paint a vivid picture of what's going on. The only thing I thought you needed to correct is the reference to Mrs. Cole having a wand. Tom grew up in a Muggle orphanage, and it's kind of a big deal, haha. But other than that, this was an absolutely wonderful story. I enjoyed every minute of it. I probably liked the scene where Dennis and Amy died the most. That was just so well done. Oof. I just loved this whole story.Author's Response: Thank you! I'm really glad you enjoyed it. Description has always been a problem for me, so it really makes me happy to see that you could see what was happening clearly. You know, I realized that bit about Mrs. Cole as soon as it was validated and I read it over. -facepalm- Thanks for pointing it out. I'll get it fixed soon.
Thanks again! Report Review
This is very good! I love how you've made everything seem menacing and scary, especially from a child's mind. Well done on the researching too.
This is great! Well done! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you! The hardest part was making it seem believable coming from a child, so thank you very much! ^_^ Report Review
This is a nice story, and now that I think of it- I have yet to come across a fic about this occasion in Tom's life, weird... so kudos on actually having the courage to write something like this.
Awe the poor rabbit =[ evil, evil! I would be devastated if I saw my animal hanging in a tree dead.
'Tom took steps towards the two children'- I think you forgot to put in how many steps he took, it sounds a bit odd to me.
'Tom's eyes. They were liars.'- who were liars? His eyes? You might want to rephrase this sentence some other way, because it sounds like your talking about something else.
'The last thing she remembered before she lost consciousness was screaming.'- would the 'remembered' be better of as 'heard'? You don't have to listen to this, it's only my opinion.
Then,near the end you said that Mrs. Cole's hair was being held up in a bun by her 'wand' – but she wasn't a witch and the orphanage was a Muggle one, that's why the kids and herself were so afraid of him because the things he did, according to 'Muggles' were unexplainable.
I got the goose-bumps while reading this story, lol. He sounds so dark, cold and evil and I thought you did a great job in getting those characteristics across to the reader.
Other than that, this is a unique story, and you did a lovely job writing it. I was a bit confused at first as to what had happened to Dennis and Amy, but your authors note cleared that up for me.=]Author's Response: Thank you! I was hoping to fill the hole. =P
Thanks for pointing out those sentences where it doesn't feel right, but I wrote them that way for a reason. That uncomfortable feeling was part of the Tom Riddle experience. And I realized that bit about Mrs. Cole as soon as this was validated. I'll be sure to correct it in the future. Thank you so much for reviewing! I really appreciate your comments ^_^ Report Review
Ah, yet another masterpiece. Your writing continues to amaze me. Where does all that imagination come from?
Anyway, tantalizing as it is, I love the way your writing (and not just in this story) leaves the reader hanging. It's like one big, complicated cliff hanger. I love it. The mystery you incorperate is amazing. I'll have to work on doing that with my own writing.
Tom was written perfectly, a six year old terror. Very, very good job. I can even say he was creepier in this than in HBP.
So. Another great story. As per usual. Nice work. I really, really enjoyed it! It was a great explanation of That Day. Nice work. 10/10.
~long_live_luna_bellatrixAuthor's Response: Eek! Thank you so much ^_^ You're so wonderful. My imagination is my most prized possession. I've had it since I was a tot. Figured I'd put it to use in writing ^_^
Thank you so much. I can't even explain how much I appreciate the comment about a creepy Tom. Thanks again ^_^ Report Review
Although this is mentioned in the books, I don't think I have ever thought this much into it before. I really loved the characterisation of Tom, and I could almost understand his way of thinking.
I think that the way it has affected them is really interesting - it wasn't just a one-time thing, he really did hurt them, in more ways than one. I think this story has made me think a lot more than any others and is finished in just the right place.
xAuthor's Response: Thank you! That was the idea I was going for. I hadn't really given it much thought, either. Thank you so much! It really means a lot to me to hear that this story has made you think ^_^ Report Review
Hey, it's jetergirl! Sorry it took me a while to get over here!
This story was kind of scary especially how ready Tom is to hurt others. But this was very realistic, well-written and explained the mystery in a believable way.
The end was also sad but your characters were 3D even though this was just a one shot...
Once again, I am very impressed with your ability to convey a message in such a short space and with your lovely talent for writing!
~CBGAuthor's Response: No problem. Thank you so much for the review. This one was kind of hard to write because I knew it was going to be scary in itself but I didn't want to overdo it. Thank you so much for your praise! I really appreciate it ^_^ Report Review
"The pain in her leg told her a big fat No." comma between the big & fat. that's the only mistake i found. :D
wow, this was certainly interesting. i never put much thought into what had happened in that cave with the kids, what caused you to write this? well, whatever it is, i'm so glad you go the inspiration, it's wonderful.Author's Response: Thanks for pointing that out. I hate commas >_>
Thank you! I wrote this because I entered VampireKisses's cast challenge, in which I was assigned a character to put on a banner, genre, and main characters. My main characters happened to be Amy Benson and Dennis Bishop, so I decided to write the unwritten chapter. Thanks so much! ^_^ Report Review
Hia there Ilia...
I am re-reviewing what I can out of my review thread due to the site crash, and so here I am. It won't be as detailed as before, but I remember the gist of what I said. :)
This is a very original story idea! I never thought about what exactly Tom did to them in the cave. It was such an insignificant mention in canon, and yet you've shown how it affected both Amy and Dennis's lives forever. Really well done!
Keep writing and I hope you'll get back as many reviews (and more) as you lost, because you deserve them!
And feel free to (re)request from me anytime you want. I love your writing! 10/10
-Luna-Author's Response: Thank you! It is so nice of you to try and rebuild my reviews, thank you so much. I'm really glad you liked this. It was fun to kind of fill in the piece of the puzzle that was missing in canon. Thanks so much! ^_^ Report Review
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