I love it keep going I don't want to stop reading Report Review
Again, it seems you have a good idea but the story is moving slowly and the writing style is hard to decipher.
The spaces are distracting and the POV's changing every other sentence is confusing and again there was not much plot. Consider combining chapter 1 and 2 to give the chapter more length and depth. Also, adding (or expanding) on how everyone introduced feels about going to school or going for the 1st time will enhance the substance of the chapter.
Keep trying you have good ideas. Report Review
You have a very chatchy title and a creative idea.
The Point of View's switching also makes it hard to understand. Couldn't you just write from a third person narrative. Maybe, Lily enters the room and Hames immediately attacks her asking, "Can't you ask your friends to make calls later?" I don't remember you exact wording but this is an alternative suggestion.
The way you have written is going to affect the flow of your story I am afraid.
It seems you have a lot of original characters and pairings also, try not to jumble them up for the reader.
There was not much plot or action in this chapter, maybe you should lengthen it a bit. Report Review
that was a little difficult to grasp, but i hope the following stories are interesting. Report Review
hey I think its good but its a little confusing with the different POVs. Not only that but like, nothing really happened in this chapter. It was way to fast, maybe try making the chapters a little longer next time? Report Review
So this is going to be interesting. So many kids, so little time, eh? I liked the first bit with Molly, but it got incredibly confusing with the changing POV every few lines. It'd be different if it were a complete scene, but, especially with the few lines in Harry's and Laura's POVs, it was kind of an awkward read. It might also help if the spaces between each line weren't so big and the person who's POV it switches to was in bold or underlined so it sticks out.
-momoeAuthor's Response: thanks for reviewing, i'll take your advice on making the povs bold, glad you like the first bit, please read more of it, 2nd chap in validation x Report Review
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