Here for your requested review! I'm sorry it's a few days late...
First off, I really enjoyed reading this! You definitely wrote it well, and the idea of ginger was very clever. You asked if it was realistic... why not? How is it not realistic? I think it's very realistic indeed.
You know.. during the entire first half of the story.. I thought this was Lily Evans! :P I didn't even realise it was Lily II even when you mentioned Uncle Ron.. I only realised after you mentioned Rose and Scorpius! Especially since you described Lily's attempt at trying to be friends with Claire and also her 'stubborn as a mule'. And even when you mentioned the two older brothers I was like.. did Lily have brothers?
Anyway, you did open the scene really well! The descriptions were really great, like this line, "Apple cider became a regular drink of choice and ginger pumpkins glowed in the twilight." Since I pretty much didn't find any major problems with your story, I'm going to be very nitpicky... sorry if I'm too harsh!
- "She removed the old books and began to prepare for the fall season." Prepare? What do you need to do to prepare for the fall?
- "Wind swept through Lily's copper hair, and her cheeks were flushed with the biting cold on her face."
This line seemed out of place. The way it was written made it seem like one second Lily was in the bookstore, the next, she was outside. Perhaps, "Wind sweeping through hair, cheeks flushing with biting cold." If you write it like this it also fits in with the same way you wrote the sentence before that, "The burnt orange and fiery red leaves decorated the cobblestone streets of Diagon Alley." which I like by the way!
- "The books and shop and the girls were the most company Mr. Voss had ever had."
I just think "The bookstore and the girls were the most company.." would be much better, since the books are IN the shop.
- "Claire paused from gathering her stuff to leave and her black cat eyeglasses now framed her eyes."
The two phrases don't join up. What about "Claire paused from gathering her stuff to leave and nudged her sliding black cat eyeglasses back up her nose." Eyeglasses are obviously worn on the eyes as well. You say that Claire is gathering her "stuff". What stuff would she even take to a bookstore? Just a bag wouldn't you?
- "Her job demanded much of her attention and often thought..."
Her job demanded much of her attention and thoughts...
Or Her job demanded much of her attention and often her thoughts...
- "...proved to yield a fantastic partnership with an out of this world number of profit."
The 'out of this world number of profit.' doesn't quite sit right with me. Perhaps "proved to yield a fantastic partnership with unforeseen profit."? Or something similar? You don't really describe profit as 'number of profit', and 'out of this world profit' doesn't quite make sense either.
- "Aye, you be right about that."
I simply can't imagine Lily saying that. It seems very out of place with all the 'normal' talking she's been doing, and then suddenly she says 'aye'?
- You are a bit repetitive. You mention the words old, a lot! And combined with mentioning dusty and ancient, both powerful words, it is very noticeable. Each time you talk about Lily moving the books, you don't have to describe them as old. Also with Autumn/Fall. I think usually people get accustomed to only saying one of them. Fiery is a powerful word too.. so I noticed you used it four times. Powerful words are good. They really get across the description. But be careful of how much you use, because sometimes it can be too much. Powerful words are noticeable. So using them three times, or even just twice (contemplate), will be noticed.
- "Marcy, Rose with Scorpius, Roxanne and her boyfriend, Gerald, and James with Lila." How come Roxanne isn't just 'Roxanne with Gerald'? Why the "and her boyfriend"? Surely all three couples were dating as girl/boyfriends before they got engaged? Singling them out just seems a little weird.
Okay I'm done! :) Now for the applause and confetti! I adored this, really! Very sweet story! As I said, the ginger thing was great. Making Charles a chef/bakery cook and having 'spice week' was clever. This is very well written. Be careful about the repeating of words, but otherwise, you use good imagery and adjectives! It flows great. The characters are great too. Nothing wrong there that I can see. By the way, your spelling, grammar and punctuation were ace! I loved how you had punctuation after every line of dialogue! I can't tell you how annoying some of the wrongly written ones are! :P I definitely enjoyed reading this, and sorry for the really long review! I hope it helps in one way or another! Thanks for requesting :) I'm off to do your next requested piece!
- maskedmuggle / Charlotte :)Author's Response: Thanks love for all you outlined. I will definitely take some to heart and I may go fix a few of the reccomendations you made. Overall though, I think I'll leave as is and take the advice for my next writing assignments. I like to leave stuff up here as a reminder of growth and old preference. It has been a long time since I wrote like this but I LOVE my review. Thank you thank you thank you! Report Review
First off, SO SORRY! I haven't been on the Forums as much lately, and I realize how belated my review is. My sincerest apologies for the delay.
Now for the actual review:
Wow! The beginning really blew me away, especially when you were describing this:
There was something romantic about all the old books; the twisted characters, the original plots, warm parchment pages and leather-bound binding. The thought that such wonders would be preserved, ready for the next generation, sent a wide smile to Lily's face.
Loved those two lines. They were written with such poetry, such flowy-ness (not a word, I know :D). Really beautiful.
It surprised me that more people have not reviewed this story. It's written with such ease, such grace.
And I must say: I'm SO glad you didn't have Charles propose. Because it shows that he really did love her and he wasn't going to propose because everyone else they knew was getting married.
I could just see him stuttering and flushed as he planned to tell her he loved her. It was also cute how you compared Lily with ginger.
Nicely written; VERY nicely written.
Really though: I can't believe people haven't reviewed this more! They must be crazy not to!
Oh, and (again) sorry for taking FOREVER to review.
10/10, without any doubt in my mind,
Mrs Roonil WaslibAuthor's Response: Dear Mrs. Roonil Waslib,
Thank you for making my life complete. This story was a diamond in the rough; I simply used some tools to dust away the dirt. I really can't take credit for it all on my own because inspiration abounded from so many directions for the entire story. Thank you for the reassurance though. I was honestly starting to worry that I put too much hope in this story.
Lindsey Report Review
hey girl! idk why you would think about getting rid of this story. its short and sweet, good job. :-)Author's Response: thanks elizabeth...i wuv you Report Review
Hello darling! I'm here to replace the review that got lost in the crash. This probably won't be as good as before but hopefully you'll bear with me ^_^.
Aaaw, I loved it as much as the first time I read it. Everything about it, from the situations to the reactions, all felt natural and realistic. You made Lily very well-rounded. Not over-the-top and not bland and boring. She had personality that felt like something anyone in the world would have. From start to finish, it had a lovely flow to it that seemlessly transcended from the scene at the bookshop to the scene at the bakery. I really liked Lily and Charles' relationship, they are very well-suited to one another. Their relationship was especially realistic because it was based, not just on love, but mutual understanding, respect and honesty and that's something that's not portrayed enough of in HP fanfiction. They have this easygoing chemistry that was just lovely to read. The marriage insinuations were, I thought, very clever. The fact that he really meant to just say he loved her was very touching. The connections to Ginger was very sweet and romantic and fitting. This is just the sort of story to read on any lazy day. It left me with a warm and fuzzy feeling and I'm still beyond honoured that such a wonderful story is dedicated to lil ole me ^_^. Thank you so much dear!
10/10! And no, I'm totally not biased or anything ;D.
MistyAuthor's Response: I love you and this review. So much. You are so welcome.
I worked really, really hard on something. Report Review
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