Oh, goodness, this was so... lovely! I've been using that word a lot this evening, but I really do believe it is fitting to use here.
I love how one-shots are just snapshots of longer, bigger life stories, and this was no exception. You lead the reader along so masterfully, I don't even fully know what to say after I'm finished. Every word you included was necessary and brought more vividness and light to your story, which is just what the challenge intended and just what you managed to pull off brilliantly.
Additionally, your headlines scattered throughout (are there two of them?) are just... love. The words you included in your parenthesis were so enlightening, and so cleverly placed. I loved them. Some wouldn't have enough wit to include them, but you most certainly did. They were (again) lovely.
Lovely, lovely, lovely. I'll say it one more time just for emphasis: lovely.
xx RinAuthor's Response: *blushes like mad* Rin! Thank you so much! As this was my first piece of fanfic, it really holds a special place in my heart. The headlines are my favorite part as well. Funnily enough, the words in the parentheses were an accident at first, because I couldn't decide which word to use, but it seemed to stick, (maybe to give a fuller explanation of what the papers were saying? I'm still not totally sure) and I really ended up liking them.
I'm completely flattered at your reaction to this and thanks so much for the review!
Annie Report Review
First of all, I'd like to say that "torrid" is such a wonderful word, and so fitting for what I imagine Astoria and Draco's relationship started as, especially in the context of this little piece. :P And then I'd like to add that this is just an AWESOME little one shot, and I'm not sure if I've seen one that got a character's feelings over so effectively in the space of one chapter. :D The only dialogue you have is a couple of lines of chiding advice, probably given to her by her parents or someone three times her age (at least, that's what it seems to me :P ), but it works so well in this case that I honestly didn't really notice until I went back and read it again. :) The way Astoria feels about her relationship with Draco is so… honest, I guess the word is. You know that's how some people feel in real life, especially at her age, but most things you read are all about "true love" and "passion" and "forever" and almost completely removed from reality. (How many high-school sweethearts do YOU know with a successful, happy marriage?) And the way that, even in the end, Astoria's STILL trying to convince herself that she's right, this is love, and I'm HAPPY, darn it, makes me want to just go up and hug her. (But then again, I want to hug lots of people, INCLUDING fictional characters, so maybe it's just me. XD )
I DID notice one typo: at the end, when she muses about her engagement ring, I think it's supposed to read, "It was the symbol of marriage, though," with a comma, instead of "It was the symbol of marriage though." But hey, one typo in a whole chapter, good on you. Usually, I go back and find about five or so per couple of thousand words. :)
Great little piece, and I love the way you went with the theme. "Captivity" in terms of marriage instead of in terms of literal imprisonment-- very nice and creative. :)
Merry Christmas!Author's Response: I really do love the word "torrid". It is definitely evocative of a lot of things.
I remember being really surprised by how short this story was when I went back to look at it. It is really short! But it's good to hear that I got the point across anyway, haha. It is a bit difficult to sit and watch her talk herself into her marriage :(
Hmmm, regarding the typo: I'm not sure if it makes more sense from a technical standpoint, but I put the comma there because I heard a pause, which is how i usually distribute them. Lol, completely explains why my comma usage is atrocious.
Thanks so much for your review! Report Review
Alright, I have to say, I'm amazed that you could fit so much into such a relatively short one-shot.
The imagery in this was astounding, especially towards the end when you draw parallels between marriage and being trapped. I thought it was jarringly realistic as that's probably what alot of people see marriage as. But the way you weaved it into words, in that you didn't ramble or use too long words and phrases, had such a strong impact. As much as I loved it, it did seem a bit... I don't know... disconnected from the first part of the one-shot. It's like two completely different train of thoughts. But it does make sense, in a way, in that she doesn't really know what she wants, that she's too young to truly know what she wants. I also really liked what you did with Astoria's character. She's so headstrong and seems to get a kick out of going against everyone's wishes/expectations rather than on what she actually wants. The way she kept insisting that nobody understands how she feels was an especially good touch as all young people probably feel that at one point in time or another ;). Actually, her character reminds me alot of someone I'm very close to so maybe that's why I could relate to this so much. Anyway, great job!!
~MistyAuthor's Response: How did I not see this review? I'm so sorry I never replied to this! I didn't even realize it was here!
I'm so flattered that you liked this so much! You wouldn't believe the amount of raised eyebrows I received when I first posted this because of its length. Thankfully, now pieces like this (under 700 words, no direct dialogue) are more common I think, and so it isn't such an oddity. However, the fact that you still enjoyed it, in spite of it's shortness is awesome. It's also interesting that you should say the second half seemed like something different, because I actually wrote it separately from the first and then decided to join the two together. I'm really impressed that you picked up on that! You're the first!
And silly Astoria. So sure she knows what's best. It was important to me to show that so many times people try to solve their issues (with anything, not just in their relationships) by pushing them under the rug and covering them up with something new, which isn't good or healthy.
Anyway, I'm so happy you enjoyed this and thanks so much for the review! I really appreciate it!
Annie Report Review
Wow, I just loved that. 10/10
*adds to favourites*Author's Response: Yay! I love being someone's favorite! I'm glad you liked this.
Ella Report Review
Short but explicit. I enjoyed reading this very much! Because I am very drown to the stories that talk about things that happen in real live too...
And it's a perfect natural feelings for younger girls, especially when they are to be married with a more mature man. And each of us, girls, hears those voices in her head, when into a serious relationship...
I want more of this, and I really thing you could pull out at least a short story out of this. It would be great!:)
I liked the flow, Astoria's characterization and all the rest.Author's Response: I actually had a flash of inspiration in the middle of my Roman Civilization class the other day about another chapter or two for this. Maybe. Possibly. But the rating will definitely go up and, yeah. We'll see what happens with that...
But I'm glad that you agree with the thoughts that Astoria was having and thought that they were realistic. She is very real to me and I wanted to convey that, even though a lot of times we tend to deify Draco Malfoy in a lot of fanfiction, he can be a real person and the other people in his life are real too.
Thanks so much for the review! I'm sorry it took me so long to reply.
Ella Report Review
Beautiful! Absolutely beautiful! I loved it and I can't wait to read more of your work.
GG007Author's Response: Actually, I had a mid-Roman Civilization lecture spark of inspiration for another couple of chapters to add to this. But I'm not sure how that will turn out; I just wanted to put it out there.
I'm glad you enjoyed this!
Wow! Normally, I'd say, c'mon, 650 words? You can make it longer. And I would suggest you do, just to add more detail and make it more interesting. But for the first time, with such few words, I feel like the story is indeed very good. The emotions and feelings were great, her thoughts written out perfectly. I really, really, enjoyed it! I'd leave a longer review, but, well, it was a short story, and there's not much more to say than: Nice work!
~long_live_luna_bellatrixAuthor's Response: It IS short, isn't it? I never really thought about it until someone said something. But I'm glad that you liked it and thought that, even though it was so short, it was worth the read.
Thanks for taking the time to review!
Ella Report Review
I like this. It shows a side of Astoria we really don't see...not that there are many fics about Draco/Astoria out there [I myself haven't read much.] I'll say a few words on what you requested in your review.
Length: I think it was very good for it's length. You captured the emotions in just enough time, and despite it's shortness I could understand what she was going through at the time.
Style: It was great for style--I liked the feel of it, I've never really thought of marriage in that way, it's new and original, like it!
Characterization: Since Astoria is an OC, we really don't see much of her. But I like your view of her character, it's very original, poise.
Overall, it was a very good piece, despite the shortness.
--ron.weasleyxo from the forumsAuthor's Response: I'm so glad that you like this! I know it's short, but in a way, what's here is really all there is to Draco and Astoria's relationship. It isn't epic or boundary-breaking and, in the end, it really isn't all Astoria has cracked it up to be, which is really the point.
Thanks so much for taking the time to review!
Ella Report Review
I thought I would come back and leave you another review since they all seem to be gone for this great one-shot!
I absolutely love this story, for many reasons. You convey the emotions so well and in so few words; it's impressive, at least to me. The description is wonderful, and the reactions of people outside of the relationship are spot-on.
I think you portrayed Astoria very interestingly, and I also think the angle at which you approached her feelings toward Draco were very realistic. I also loved progression of Astoria's feelings leading up to her 'captivity.'
The only thing I wish is that there could be more of this story, but, then again, it is great the way it is. Good Job :]
~EmilyAuthor's Response: Ack! I feel so rude for not responding to your review (especially because you were kind enough to give me two!). The only excuse I can offer you is that college ate my life and I'm only just now getting it back. Still, I apologize for my tardiness.
I'm glad that you like Astoria's point of veiw. It always seemed to me that one of the reasons that so many relationships fail in the end is because people just ignore the real problem and then try and cover it up with something new. Draco and Astoria's relationship was just like a fairy tail in the beginning, so when things began to change and stop being so wonderful, she just pushed on for the next thing, instead of trying to fix it. I really wanted to put that out there in this story.
I'm so glad that you like this story! Thanks for your review!
Ella Report Review
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