First, let me say that unlike your other reviewers, I'm a staunch Sirius/Lily shipper so that's going to color my review quite a bit.
To begin, your descriptions at the beginning are well done. You set the tone and atmosphere well here, even though I found Sirius' internal thoughts a bit distracting. They seemed to have no reference, no relation to the things you were having us as readers observe in the room. For example, the line ďI wish she would hurry up and get hereĒ is put there with no reference for us readers Ė him looking at a clock, for example, or maybe noticing the difference in the color of the sky through the windows or even if he had watch a clear sky turn cloudy as the storm rolled in. We just have nothing to determine how long he's been waiting which leaves us guessing as to if he is just merely being impatient or if he has been, instead, waiting for her to appear for hours. The stained glass idea is a sound one but you seem to focus on that with such regularity in the piece that it begins to lose its effect. Perhaps deleting some of the references would help to enforce your idea more readily, placing the concept in the readers mind but allowing them to draw their own images rather than forcing them upon the reader.
I do have quite a bit of trouble with your portrayal of Sirius here. He seems out of character but, more importantly, the characterization you do have here is inconsistent. His internal thoughts bounce around , his body movements and dialogue not matching and flowing with the scene. I think, perhaps, you were attempting to show his indecision but instead it appeared more confusing as reader. His characterization, the waffling, indecision, is hard for a reader to relate to because it doesn't mix with the Sirius you portray at the beginning who is in a hurry to get things done. That you have him attempted to be true to James is a nice touch, however, and one a lot of people fail to put in their stories so I commend you for that.
I did enjoy the characterization of Lily. You have written her as many fanfic authors do Ė innocent but yet with enough fire to match up against Sirius. I love the line about him being afraid he had broken her, that was true to both his worries as well as her characterization. The end of this was much, much stronger than the beginning as if you were finally hitting your stride with the story just about the time you drew it to a close. That makes me a bit sad because I feel we as readers probably missed out on the best of your writing abilities since you closed out the story.
As I said in my message to you, I was super leery of posting this review. I understand this was your first fanfic and my devotion to Sirius plays a part in my constructive criticism. I do think this story holds promise and helps introduce people to your writing style and characterizations. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to review it.Author's Response: Hello timeturner!
You are so very perceptive, and that alone makes me want to crawl under a table. I guess it's because you're /timeturner/ - I would have never imagined that you would take the time to read this. Okay, now that I'm past that...
The descriptions good? Bah, I wish I thought that. With Sirius's thoughts, I wanted to express his distress and as this was the very first thing that I had EVER written, I was a bit dim as to what I should have done. I understand completely where you're coming from on that one, for sure. As to the stained glass business, gosh, that makes me cringe. Honestly, I know this story needs a serious revamping. I need to completely rip this apart and rewrite it. Nonetheless, thank you for pointing those particular things out :]]
Sirius is terribly done in this story, and I'm glad you had the gall to point that out. I pride myself on my great characterizations and this was...awful. I love Sirius/Lily, despite this story, but due to the challenge, I had to split them up. Perhaps that messed with my characterization, I don't know.
I didn't know how to characterize Lily, so thank you for that! I always hit my stride and then end the story - it's a disease, I swear.
You've no need to thank me, I should thank you! So...thank you! Really, you've made me very happy with this review. I've been debating for ages whether or not to rewrite this and you've helped me make up my mind. I know that I've grown immensely as a writer, so perhaps my improvement will help this one-shot. Thank you so much for the review - I know it was painful for you to read!
:]] Report Review
wow, that was really good. I love how you described all the emotion that lily and sirius felt. It was utterly amazing. Good job! :-)Author's Response: I don\\\'t even know what to say. I\\\'m just smiling and smiling :] It\\\'s nice when I get an unexpected review! Thank you so much! I\\\'m glad you liked it! Report Review
Wow wow wow, that's all I can say right now. You've never written this ship before? Well, it was bloody fantastic! I adore Sirius/Lily stories and this was a very well written one-shot. I love how you characterized Lily; it was beautifully written and I enjoyed reading this so much! I feel sorry for Sirius though since he loved her so much but it was good he was putting his friend before the girl. Great job on a fantastic one shot. 10/10 (;Author's Response: Man, you\\\'ve left me speechless! No, I had never written Sirius/Lily..and it was my first piece of fanfiction. Since you\\\'re such an avid reader of Sirius/Lily stories, I\\\'m glad that you liked this! It\\\'s hard to please everyone, unfortunately, so it\\\'s good to see that you liked it! Thank you so, so much for the review - I\\\'m beaming right now! Report Review
Ahhh...you left me literally on the verge of my tears. How come I've been ignoring this wonderful piece?
Sirius/Lily is a pairing which is not that obvious, and at first I had some difficulty to imagine Sirius Black, the playboy, the womanizer, the pranking beast of the Marauders, just be that un-selfish. I had to re-read it actually several times before it all struck me. His reasons, his motivations, all and everything.
Well, we all know James, we all know what's he like, but he's never considered Lily as "one of the many". For him, Lily's always been "the one", ever since he's fallen in love with her. Sirius understands this as no one other.
All the italics-set pieces convey Sirius' inner fight incredibly well. Very, very powerful piece over unrequited love.
I bow humbly before thee, oh Queen of the One-Shots :)Author's Response: Oh my dear, my dear, thank you ever so much for reviewing my little one-shot! ^_^
I like to think of Sirius as more than the playboy and the womanizer and that really drove this one-shot for me. I wrote it so long ago, I sometimes forget it's even here.
Yes, James. Such a big part of the story, but he actually never appears. Sirius's sacrifice is overwhelming.
I'm glad you liked that italics bit. I have to say that I like to use that a great deal in my writing, especially when focusing on those inner struggles.
Ah, you are not the first to have called me that and I thank you deeply :] Report Review
Shelby, I'm here to review as you requested, dear :)
And first of all, I just want to say that I'm very glad you did review. I probably wouldn't have read this if you didn't, simply because I'm not a Sirius/Lily shipper.
I have to say, you have made this incredibly interesting. This has actually changed my mind of this ship a little, and that has to say something. I love your characterisation aswell. It's all just so perfect and wonderful to read.
I think Sirius might have been a little OOC in places, but that's okay, really. Nobody's perfect, right? :D
This is very believable, though. And I love your Lily. She's fantastic, and clever and so angry and fiery, exactly how she should be in my opinion!
Loved it, hon. *Favourited*
:)Author's Response: Hello love! Thanks for reviewing!
Yeah, I'm not much of Sirius/Lily shipper either and when I found out that was the ship that was given to me, I could have died.
Many people have told me Sirius was great and some, like you, have said that he was a bit OOC. I don't know what I think about that. My reasoning is that he felt that James did so much for him, he wanted to give James something that he wanted dearly.
I'm glad you liked Lily! Surprisingly, she's very hard to write!
Thanks so much for the amazing review, love *hugs* You're awesome! Report Review
i dnt normaly like sirius/lily stories... it just seems wrong to me. but i like the way you write so it was good.Author's Response: Well, I'm glad that you thought it was good! Thank you! Report Review
Hi, here I am =D
Awww it's so beautiful! But heartbreaking at the same time.
I don't like happy endings, and that definetly wasn't a happy ending. So naturally I love it LOL
There's just one thing I want to point out "His fingers moved delicately moved to her cheeks that were flushed from his intense gaze." The two "moved" break the flow of the sentence.
Great job. I'm saving it to my favourites =P
ForgottenFaceAuthor's Response: Hi!
Lol, I'm so glad that you liked it!
I've never noticed that! Thanks for pointing that out and I'll fix it!
Thanks so much! I really appreciate it! Report Review
Hey Twinsie! I am doing this as a personal favor, because normally I don't read major AU ships. But I love how you wrote it, with the whole Sirius feeling guilty thing. It's great! I never imagined Lily being a really mad person, but I still like the whole angle of the story.
8/10 (only because I don't like AU ships, great writing though!)
~nickyAuthor's Response: Hey Nicky! Aww, you didn't have to if you didn't want to read it! Thank you so much! *hugs* I'm glad you liked it even though you're not one for fanon ships! Thanks Nicky! *hugs* Report Review
This is the first Lily/ Sirius fic that I have read & I really enjoyed it. It flows well and you balanced description and dialogue perfectly.
I think you captured Lily's character amazingly, she's prefect in this fic; though I did think Sirius was a little AU. I don't think JKR's Sirius would have given up so easily but I understand why you made it that way. Sirius would be more confident; if he was going to stop seeing her it would be because he doesn't want to hurt James, not because he doesn't think he is good enough (In my opinion). I mean I know he told her that it was because of James but in the end there you make it seem like deep down the real reason is that he thinks James is better for her.
Thanks for the great read, 10/10. My only complaint is that it could be bit longer to fill in some gaps - like maybe there is a reason that Sirius doesn't think he is worthy of Lily, a past mistake or something.
~Ginnyfan4life from the forums.Author's Response: I'm glad that you liked it!
No one has mentioned Sirius being a little OOC. Hmm, what you say is making sense. I'll go back and have a look-see :]
A few have said that it could be longer, I've been trying to see if I can squeeze a flashback in.
Thanks so, so much for the awesome review! Report Review
I'm not usually one for Sirius/Lily, I'll have to admit ... but in this one-shot you left me wishing that he would just say, "Forget James" and stay with Lily. I'm guessing that's how she was feeling, as well. You conveyed the emotional connection between them pretty well and portrayed Sirius as doing at least one selfless thing even if it was what hurt her at the time. Good job!Author's Response: Wow, thanks for the awesome review! I'm not one for Sirius/Lily, but the pairing has changed my outlook because it was quite difficult to write them. I'm glad that you liked the emotional connection, since that's what I was going for. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! Report Review
The descriptive imagery in this story is done brilliantly. I could see the dusty room and the window vividly. Your write Sirius's torment very well, and Lily's anger and confusion is heart-wrenching. I have just a few CC comments. You forgot the e on 'petite', just a type-o. Also, you use the word 'pureblood' to describe Sirius several times. It is just a little repetitive. This is an excellent story, and I enjoyed it. Feel free to request a review anytime!Author's Response: Thank you so much!
Oooh, I do love me some CC :] I've gotten several people telling me that petite should have an e and then I've got some who tell me that it shouldn't. But, since you're a teacher, I'll go with you and go back and fix the problem. Ah yes, I'll have to go back and do a little substitution.
Thank you so, so much!
-Twinsy Report Review
Hey there, I'm here from the forums to review! Usually I have a 10 or less reviews per chapter rule, but seeing as I am inexcusably late for this review, I'll do it for you anyway! =]
I have really mixed feelings about this piece. On one hand, I love the way you write your conflicted characters. We see much of Lily and Sirius's feelings, enough to realize that they both have two sides to themselves in this situation. You also used your title/ship combination very well. I liked the fact that there was a stained glass window of a lily flower, and that you compared the color of the stem to her eyes, which is of course a defining characteristic of Lily Evans.
On the other hand, the main conflict doesn't make sense, in a way. Why in the world would Sirius give up Lily? Based on Lily's dialogue here, she doesn't like James at all, but she cares for Sirius enough for tears and anger. I don't think it makes sense for Sirius to leave the only girl he truly cared about for the sole reason that James wants her. He is investing his loss in the tiny chance that Lily might one day change her mind about James--which doesn't seem likely right now.
To change this, all I can suggest is to make Lily less hateful towards James. She can still tell Sirius that she wants him more, but maybe in the end she can begin to change her mind.
This was a nice read. Your grammar and spelling are close to perfect, which is always a plus. =] Good luck!
~CSGAuthor's Response: Hi! Oh, about that...I requested when I had only 9 reviews, but I've gotten more since then, so I'm sorry about that.
I'm glad that you liked at least part of this.
Sirius is giving up Lily because he wants to give something to his best friend, James. James has given him so much over the years, i.e. an everlasting friendship, a home, a brother. Sirius cares so much for James that he's willing to give up what he loves so that James can be happy. Lily doesn't exactly hate James at this point, she's just angry because she thinks that she's losing something simply amazing, which she is. She doesn't understand where exactly Sirius is coming from and he has a hard time really pointing it out to her. This was just for a challenge and I understand that you're a bit confused, but I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless :P
Thank you so much!
-Twinsy Report Review
This was amazingg Author's Response: Thank you! Report Review
this is really good. as i'd said, i had read this story before, and i'm so glad you requested it! i hadn't had a chance to review it before...
the way you characterized sirius and lily is amazing. i think you captured them both wonderfully. sirius/lily isn't a ship that lasts, as we all know, and the way you described what their relationship was and how it ended makes it seem real.
i loved the ending, you started it out nicely and it ended nice and clean. there was nothing left unanswered, which is astounding for a one-shot.
i adore this little moment, you did great on it!Author's Response: Thanks for dropping by and reviewing!
I actually kind of hate that they didn't last, but Lily/James was meant to be :]
I'm glad you liked the ending! I wanted to wrap it up nicely because I don't like to write endings that leave all kinds of questions :P
Thanks so, so much!
Twinsy Report Review
Wow, that was really sad. I don't know much about Marauders so i don't even know what I think about ships like Lily/Sirius, but this really gave me an idea. I liked the way you wrote the two of them together, even fighting, but I didn't care for your characterization of Lily in this. As I said, I don't know much about any of them, but I think she came off as a whiny little brat in this one, and I hate to think of her in that way. I understand that they are only sixteen in this piece and are driven by angst, but I always thought Lily was above the rest of them, more mature than her peers. I didn't see her as the type to say things like "Shit on James, I want you!" Wah, wah, wah.
The plot in this story was awesome. I love that you started kind of in the middle of a scene, or in the middle of an event that takes place periodically. It would have been really boring if you'd started right when they decided to start this 'thing'. Because you started in the middle, there was excitement and curiosity for the reader. Thank you for not explaining every single detail about them to me. I know what they look like, I know what the room looks like, move on. Tell your story. And you did ^_^ Your writing style is beautiful. Like poetry, I swear. It was amazing. I really liked this.
As far as my bedar (beta-radar) goes, I hate to say it but I noticed quite a few mistakes. Nothing horribly off-setting, but they bothered me a little. When you wrote Sirius' it should have been Sirius's. It doesn't matter what letter the name ends in, he is one person so you follow the rules for singular possessiveness. She can never be your's. There should be no apostrophe in yours. It's kind of a weird rule but that's the language we speak.
Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. Great job. Ganbare! Tanoshinde! ^_^
.:.Ilia.:.Author's Response: Hi Ilia! *waves* Thanks so much for dropping by to review!
You know, I was really going for that characterization. Almost every Marauders fic I've read, Lily has acted like she's better than Sirius. She's been stuck-up, selfish, and rude. I didn't enjoy writing her in such a way, but I wanted to bring out the good in Sirius and the selflessness he possesses than many writers tend to leave out; the only way I saw that I could do this was to make her whiny and...clingy. I'm sorry if that bothered you :[
Thank you! I'm glad that you liked my writing style, no one has ever really commented on it! God, I hate it when writers tell us every single detail, it's boring :]
Damn! I thought I got rid of all those Sirius'! I'm sorry! I've looked at this one-shot so many times, I must be fixing the mistakes in my head and skipping over them [I'm weird like that]. Haha, I never knew that about singular possessiveness. Thanks for that! I think I need to brush up on grammar!
Thank you, Ilia! I really, really appreciate it!
*hugs* Shelby Report Review
Well, even though I said I wouldn't read fics over 15+, I hate to disappoint and I know, as a fellow writer, how great it is to get reviews. So just don't tell anyone about this, okay?
I thought it was beautifully written. Very sad, very heartfelt. And the part where Lily got mad at him reminded me of when Harry broke up with Ginny, and she had that blazing look in her eyes.
I didn't see any grammatical mistakes (I looked up petit and it's the same as petite), so that's good. It can be very distracting if there isn't proper grammar and such.
It was sad, and as the only other Sirius/Lily fic I've read was too, it makes me wish, for a second, that they got together. I just don't see James and Lily as a happy couple. I like the comparison of the flower, a lily, with the actual Lily.
Mrs Roonil WaslibAuthor's Response: Oh hunny, I mentioned that you didn't have to review if you didn't want to! I feel so bad now, I'm sorry that I made you endure a Mature story!
Thank you very much! Haha, you're the first one to notice! I'm glad that you did because I wanted that part to subtly hint at the Harry/Ginny scene.
Yay! No grammatical mistakes! Yes, I know, I don't like bad grammar; it's quite annoying.
It would have been nice to see them together, but I suppose JKR didn't want it that way.
Thank you so, so, so, much for reviewing and I'm very sorry, you should have simply ignored my request! But thanks again and I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. Your review made my day!
-Shelby Report Review
Hiya! This is Foxtrott from the forum. :)
I have never read a marauders' era fic, much less a lily/sirius one, but I find this particular one-shot very, very well written! You were able to convey the emotions very beautifully, and your descriptions are detailed and enables me to picture the whole scene in my mind. The speech made by the characters also enhance the emotions, and your conclusion left a very good impact.
But this is just a suggestion though - perhaps you can further emphasize the determination of Sirius by replacing some '.' with '!' (e.g. "You can't! Stop!")
Lovely story! Great job. :)
P.S. If you have the time, maybe you could check out my one-shot too, hehe. It's called "The Rose", and it's Oliver/OC. No obligations, though. :DAuthor's Response: Hi! *waves*
You've never read a Marauder's fic?! Wow, well I hope that you found your very first one enjoyable! Thank you so much!
Sure, thanks for the suggestion!
Thank you so much! If you go to my review thread and just give me a link, I'll be more than happy to review! [if you don't, I'd totally forget :P]
Thanks so much!
-Shelby Report Review
Hey, it's jetergirl from the forum!
I'd like to start by saying that this was an amazing story! I've never paid much attention to Sirius/Lily stories but this one really captured my attention and almost made me cry! Yes, I do get emotional =]
I honestly can't come up with any criticisms. There were probably three typoes/grammar mistakes in the whole thing and your characters were flawlessly developed.
I also loved the way your writing flowed easily, conveying the plot in every word (yes, I am a writer =]) Overall, it was a simply lovely story!
It was a pleasure to read and review for you; anytime you need an opinion on your work feel free to ask!
~CBGAuthor's Response: Hi! *waves*
Thank you! This was my first ever Sirius/Lily - I've never paid much attention to this particular ship either :] Aww, I didn't mean to make you cry! But, I guess that means that my writing can bring some kind of emotions out of someone :D
I'm glad that you don't have any criticisms! That means that I'm doing something right :]
Thank goodness that you seen more to this than just a bunch of fluff! I was hoping that the plot really came through and it seems that it did.
Thank you so, so much! I really appreciate your kind words and amazing review!
Shelby Report Review
Well considering that neither of us are fans of Lily/Sirius ships I think that this was very nicely done. You write very well and the descriptions are beautiful. You also wrote her pain and his vividly.
I like how you took the title and what kind of story you made it into, I had to do a Luna/Ron story for a challenge and it was very difficult to write so I feel where you are coming from (I think I took the easy way out though, you actually wrote them in love).
I know that this was a one shot, but it would have been nice to have some sort of memory or something that showed why Sirius was so determined to let her go for James, something to show that while he loved her his love for his friend was greater, and possibly why he wasn't right for her.
I hope that that helped, and even though I am not a fan of this ship I have no problem reading well written stories so you may ask a review from me anytime.Author's Response: Hi!
Thank you! I'm glad that you enjoyed the descriptions!
Yes, I totally didn't want to make it into a happily ever after, since that obviously doesn't happen. I hated to write them in love, because I quite like Lily/James.
Wow, I totally never thought about a memory! I'm going to go back and see if I can figure out some awesome memory to stick in here!
Thank you so much! I really appreciate the time you took to read and review my one-shot! Report Review
Remember me? Amie from the forums lets stir your memory a little Ambrosia? lol Anyways what do i think of this chapter? I think it was amazing. *huggles*Your imagination is awesome and you captured Sirius and Lily's feelings beautifully. The characterization is really good. I loved the whole concept. I found a few grammatical mistakes but no harm done :P Because i absolutely loved this story. It was so sweet. Thanks for sharing. 101010101/10 *Hugs and kisses*Author's Response: Ambrosia! Of course I remember you! *hugs* I'm so glad that you enjoyed my little one-shot! I thought I got rid of those durned grammatical errors! Ah well, I'll have to go back and reread it. Thanks so, so, so much! *hugs and kisses* Report Review
Brilliant piece of writing! I could totally feel Sirius and Lily's anguish and feel their emotions. You portrayed it beautifully. Also, this is one of the few fanfictions I've read that portray Sirius as being a real character. In most of the fics I've read, he's just shown as being a playboy and not much else. Anyway, great job and 10/10 from me!
Lots of love, ShaneAuthor's Response: Hi Shane!
Thank you! I hate that Sirius is portrayed as a playboy. He's not some kind of manwhore and that's a point that I wanted to get across to readers.
Thanks so, so, so much for the awesomely awesome review!
-Twins Report Review
Aw this was so sweet! I loved how it was from Sirius's perspective, and especially how you portrayed Lily. I usually do not enjoy Sirius/Lily one-shots, but this is definitely an exception. This was short and sweet, the perfect length!
The structure of the chapter was also very nice - it was nicely spaced so it was easier to read.
The description - especially of the eyes, was incredibly beautiful. Though you make it a little unclear why exactly Sirius lets go of Lily, the reader can guess why, which is good - you don't want to leave the reader with all the answers!
Great job. 10/10. :]
~EstrellaAuthor's Response: Thanks! I'm elated that you liked the length; some said it was too short.
I'm glad you liked the structure! I like to make things easy to read.
I just love the part with the eyes! It's my favorite part as the author. Yes, I didn't want to really spell everything out for the readers. That just makes things boring.
Thank you so, so, so much!
-Twins Report Review
I love your word choice throughout this peice, you did a great job in creating the scene and the firey emotions of both Lily and Sirius. I'm not into Sirius and the gang much, I don't read them too often, but I'm glad I decided to read this as I really enjoyed it.
It was your title that made me want to read, it's a pretty title and I wondered what kind of story would go with it, answer: a very good one!Author's Response: I'm glad you liked my diction. I didn't want to make the words too difficult to understand. I'm also glad that you liked the emotions between Sirius and Lily.
I didn't pick the title, actually. It came with the challenge.
Thanks you so, so, so much for your lovely review and I'm so elated that you enjoyed it!
-Twins Report Review
Twinns!!! Ohhh Iíve never reviewed one of your stories before so this shall be interesting *mahahahahaha*
A SIRIUS AND LILY STORY? I LOVE LILY AND I LOVE SIRIUS Iíve just never read one of these two. An interesting pairing. So then it must be Sirly?! Just kidding!
So what did I think my dear?
I really like the story title, I think itís just a descriptive title and itís a really pretty title too.
Onto the story!:
This story was definitely captivating as well as amazing.
I felt like I was right there in the castle eves dropping on them. It was beautiful. I could see in my head perfectly darling!
T he emotions in this story are running through out it, I absolutely love it.
I did feel badly for Sirius. Poor Sirius. I must do say I am more of a James and Lily but I really enjoyed this fiction.
I enjoyed the descriptions in here.
I loved how you described his eyes as stained glass, that was beautiful and a great wording here.
I didnít find any grammar issues. The one thing I could suggest is that every time someone different speaks is that you should start a new line. Thatís all I have to give you to better.
Other than that tiny thing itís beautiful.
I really liked how Sirius wanted James to be with her instead of him to be with Lily.
This must have been so hard to write and you made it look like ease
I was so amazed by your writing. Iíll definitely have to read something else by you.Author's Response: Rachel? Hey! *hugs*
I'm so glad you liked the title, I actually didn't pick it though. It came with the challenge.
I'm so...speechless...that you like this! I don't know what to say!
I didn't even notice that I didn't start a new line when someone new was speaking! Thanks for pointing that out!
I'm so glad that you liked this! Thanks so, so, so, so, so, so much!
-Twinsy Report Review
I really like the imagery in this fic! I felt like I was in the castle with them. Itís not my usual ship, Iím more of a James/Lily kind of girl, but you did wonderful with what you had to work with (I mean, that it was a challenge fic). I felt sorry for Sirius. Here he is, giving her up for his best friend when all she wants to do is be with himÖ very nice!
-momoeAuthor's Response: Thanks momoe! I really like using a lot of imagery when I'm writing. I'm a James/Lily girl as well, but it was a challenge, so I challenged myself :P I felt really sorry for him too and I wrote it :D
Thanks so, so, so much for your review! Report Review
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