Maxine is an interesting narrator and Iím really enjoying learning more about her. Sheís pretty funny and some of the little comments that she makes make me laugh out loud, sheís a very good voice and she doesnít make reading this story from first person boring. If thereís one thing I canít stand, itís a boring protagonist in a first person story.
I find it a teensy bit clichťd that Maxine doesnít like Potions, just because The Trio werenít so keen on it not a lot of people in fan fiction seem to either and itís just a little thing that annoys me a bit. Of course, if thereís more to why she doesnít like it, Iím very sorry.
The plot is continuing to progress well, but so far itís not coming across like Teddy is much less cool than Leon even though Maxine keeps saying that he is. As the chapter progresses Maxine also seems to be getting a bit more full of herself, like sheís saying that sheís too good for Teddy and then that attitude disappears. Itís almost as if her character isnít quite consistent and to be honest, I'm finding myself going off her a bit.
However, I really enjoyed the end scene where Teddy was telling Maxine about his parents. You really conveyed the emotions well and you described everything beautifully. Your use of language really was at its best in that particular section.
This wasnít a bad chapter, but it wasnít one of my favourites. Things just seem to be a little unclear at this stage.
JaneAuthor's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you liked her and that you don't think it's boring to read.
I certainly didn't base her dislike of potions on the fact that the Trio's. I didn't even think about that.
I know Teddy is seeming less cool, but that's kind of what I wanted. It's kind of lame, but I wanted her to pick Teddy because he is not the coolest or most perfect of the bunch.
Thank you very much. I really appreciate your review =) Report Review
Hey Ilia, it's Jane from TGS back to do these next two chapters.
The way you write creates an unintimidating setting for the reader, because your aim obviously isn't to confuse them, but rather, to appeal to them. Your colloquial language is great, but it's a little bit too Americanised for my personal taste. I understand that you are American and that you don't really see much of a problem with Americanisms, after all, good writing is good writing, but it's a bit hard for me to get used to.
You've managed to capture the attitudes of bitchy girls very well in this piece and I'm just waiting to make up my mind on how I feel about Delia, Lol. She seems nice enough, a good deal more pleasant than the other group of girls anyway and she's really beginning to grow on me, but for some reason I've got a few nagging doubts about her. I like her spirit and her sense of fun and she's obviously friendly because she invited Maxine to the partyÖ But I haven't quite made up my mind on her. I like Rina, she's not quite brave enough to take part in the protest, but she does seem to be up for a laugh and nice as well as being a bit of a bookworm.
The scene with Maxine and Teddy where he thinks she's talking to herself was very funny and definitely amusing to read. You're absolutely killing me with these descriptions of gorgeous guys, Ilia! This chapter was less intense than the others, but I liked it and I'm about to read on and see a bit more about how Maxine is going to fit into her new life at Hogwarts. I dare say it won't be particularly easy =P.
JaneAuthor's Response: Thank you! It's so good to know you feel comfortable reading this. I like the way you explained the mood. I'm sorry you can't get used to reading my American writing, but I can't write what I don't know how to.
Thank you so much. You got the gist of all the characters that I wanted. It's good to know I can get my point across.
XD I know, huh? There's too many beautiful men to pick from! XD Thank you so much. I really appreciate your review =) Report Review
If it's possible, I think that the writing in this chapter improved even further. The descriptions were extremely vivid and easy to read and even though this is quite a difficult subject matter nothing is confusing.
I think that everything progressed well in this chapter and that it was well paced. I wondered how you were going to get round the problem of her being in the real world and also in a coma and you managed to explain it very well! If I'm not too wrong I think I caught a glimpse of Teddy Lupin =P.
I'm quite interestedd to see how Maxine manages to explain her appearance and how she deals with being the 'new' girl when everyone at Hogwarts is really a great deal younger than her. She seems like a great character, even in her slightly dazed state.Author's Response: Wow, really? Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. I was (and still am) horribly worried that everyone is confused by what's going on and I don't know how to explain it. But I'm glad you can keep up =P
Thank you so much! I really appreciate everything you have to say ^_^ Report Review
It's Jane from TGS here with your review.
I think that you have presented the reader with a very interesting idea of what purgatory or the after life may be like. I love the dream-like state that you have created to exist between life and death, it's really quite brilliant.
I'm also very intrigued to as to why Maxine's boyfriend wanted to kill her. Maxine seems to be a very interesting main character and it only leaves me wondering more about her mysterious ex boyfriend.
This first chapter flowed very well and your language was lovely. This is a very original plot and definitely a great read! It's not your typical piece of fan fiction and I'm quite excited to read on and see how Maxine copes with her struggle to find true love, something which will probably prove more difficult than she expects. I thought that the hope of pure love was a lovely thing to be tethering her to earth and I dare say that the reader will be rooting for her the whole way.
My only concern would be that the summary doesn't quite convey exactly what the story about and even if you don't want to give everything away, it isn't quite mysterious enough. After reading your summary this wasn't exactly what I had expected. It's not a major criticism, just a little helping hand.
Overall, I loved the ethereal quality that purgatory seemed to have in this chapter. You wrote the whole thing very well and I look forward to reading more.
JaneAuthor's Response: Thank you! I don't really know what triggered this vision of Purgatory, but I thought it could work so I just went with it. I'm glad you like my idea. =)
The ex-boyfriend question will be answered. I promise =) I hope you continue to root for her as the story goes on!
I've been thinking about changing the summary for quite some time now, but I don't exactly know what to change it to... I'll definitely think of something good though, especially now that you've said that.
Thank you so much! I hope you enjoy it =) Report Review
"I work for the devil."
I love that as an ending line. Brilliant. The whole chapter was, actually. This just keeps getting better and better.
Have I added this to my favourites yet? I'm not sure. If not, I definitely will be! Seriously, it's so fantastic. 10/10Author's Response: Thank you! I tried to end it on a cliffhanger. XD I'm so glad you like this story. Thank you so much for your awesome reviews ^_^ Report Review
Yay, the kiss! I mean, it was slightly cliche, but in a good way. It was cute, and Teddy is just as amazing as ever. I think I love him. And I'm loving Max too, but not really in the same way... :P
The beginning of the chapter was really interesting, and clever too. Your description of Hogwarts is really realistic - with the cliques and everything you're making it so.. normal. It works really well. Another brilliant chapter!Author's Response: XD I know it was a little cliche, but I'm convinced that everyone loves it from time to time =P I'm glad you like him. I like him too ^_^
I'm so glad you like this story. Thank you so much ^_^ Report Review
I'm so sorry about the wait! School has just been awful. And thanks for requesting again from me, by the way - I meant to continue reading this after doing the first three chapters but never got around to it...
"Nice night? If that isn't a pick-up line for dorks, I don't know what is." - Loved this! Brilliant line. I also love all your characterisations, and I'm really excited about where this story is going. It's just the kind of fic that really keeps you interested. With that in mind, on to the next chapter!Author's Response: XD It's okay, no worries. Thank you! I'm so glad you like this. It's good to know it keeps you interested. ^_^ Report Review
I can't believe I've already finished reading the second chapter. If this were a book, it would be a real page turner, I can promise you that.
This is going to be a much shorter review because I only noticed one small mistake.
"Iím really on my own for this"
Once again, you've changed tenses on me. Looking at the rest of your text, you want the story to be in literary past tense. All you have to do is change "I'm" to "I was", and you are all set.
Personally, I'm jealous that you can write so well.
HSBDAuthor's Response: XD Thank you! Wow! Really, that is such an awesome compliment, I can't explain how happy I am to hear it ^_^
Darn that tense. I'll fix it. Thanks so much! Report Review
First off, let me just say one thing. WOW. I felt like someone had dunked my head in a bucket of ice; it was refreshing to say the least.
"I am dead, arenít I? I mean, I dunno what this place is supposed to look like; Iíve never been dead before..."
1. While it may be colloquial, the phrase "aren't I" is not proper English. Might I suggest using "right" as a substitute?
2. You should pick a tense and stay in it. Your story starts off in the present tense, then switches over to the past.
"If I was in any pain from the blow, I wasnít anymore."
I don't think you meant for this to be confusing. Was and wasn't are both simple past tense verbs here, so they cancel each other out. You should use "had been" in place of "was" because had been is in the past perfect tense, meaning that it happened before the past.
"If Iím alive, what kind of sick place is this?"
You've switched back to the present here. Again, pick a tense and stick with it.
"this girl just started"
Insert a had between girl and just.
But that's just me nitpicking. I enjoyed this immensely.
On to the next chapter,
HSBDAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I'm really glad you liked this as a beginning. =)
To be honest, and I don't mean to sound like I'm making excuses, but when I started writing this story, I did not have a good enough handle of the English language. I didn't understand the difference between past perfect and past tense. Thank you for pointing that stuff out. I'll definitely go back and fix my tense issues. Thanks so much! Report Review
A lovely opening chapter :) It's been a while since i got so excited and enthusiastic about a story, but this one is getting me geared up. Obviously I know you're capable of amazing things, so I expected the impressive quality of writing you show here. You never disappoint me.
My favourite thing about this chapter was the little porthole you invented, to see through the cloud and into the present. I loved that that was in colour and Purgatory was black and white. What lovely imagery and such a contrast, I'm impressed yet again. And Maxine seems like a likeable character, I'm looking forward to reading more about her.
I'm also intrigued about her past, and now her future trying to find her new love. A year seems such a short amount of time when it's your fate your dealing with.
I'm sorry about the delay in reviewing, I've been so busy/lazy!
10/10 of course, and favourited.
- MarinaAuthor's Response: Thank you! I am absolutely elated to hear this because as of right now, I am HATING this story. I just want it to be over so I never have to think about it again, to be honest. But to hear that you are enjoying it is enough for me to keep going with confidence.
Thank you! Her story is something I have come up with as I have written this story, partly in cohesion with the reviews and comments I've gotten.
Thank you so much, Marina! I really appreciate your review ^_^ Report Review
Wow! I didn't think Zoey was going to say anything. At least not yet. But I am wondering if the devil is also Voldemort? Not sure if that is the direction you are taking the story in or not. Overall, I have really enjoyed everything so far! It is a great story and I love how original the plot is. I have never read anything like this. I can't wait to see what will happen next!Author's Response: Thank you! I'm not going to respond to your Devil/Voldemort comment because I don't want to ruin anything. I hope you continue reading to find out! Thanks so much for your reviews! Report Review
Hello honey! Back again! ;D
So there are little things, like Max not knowing what to do with her hands, that makes your story so entirely believable. Those small details really bring everything together and they never disappoint. :] I am truly enjoying your story so much. This chapter, I didn't think, was rushed at all, so I might just be crazy about the last chapter. :] lol.
So I am really curious as to why Zoey was honestly so upset that Max is making friends in her new life, as well as finding her true love. I'm sensing some jealousy issues, but thats just me! :D Lol.
-ChanelAuthor's Response: Thank you! I don't have that much experience in real life in the romance department, but I watch a lot of people so I guess that's where the ideas for these little details comes from. Thank you so much! I really appreciate your reviews ^_^ Report Review
Hey honey! I am so incredibly sorry that it took me so long to get back to your request. School has been awful this week! :/ But in any case, here I am! :]
So it was definitely another great chapter. I love your characters and their personalitites, which you have done a great job of showing without giving too much of their past/secrets away. And that adds a nice mysterious effect to the rest of your story. :]
I really love the way that Teddy and Maxine's relationship is developing. Its starting out kind of slow, and a little bit awkward, which works very well for your story and with your characterizations. Its really believeable.
My only criticism is that it feels a little bit rushed...and that might just be this chapter because I haven't gotten that effect from any of your previous chapters. :]
Amazing job again honey!
-ChanelAuthor's Response: XD No worries. I completely understand. Thank you! I'm glad you like this story. I got tired of reading romance stories that had them not realistic at all, so I wanted to make this one as believable as possible. I understand your concern about this feeling rushed, so I'll try to slow down in future chapters. Thank you! Report Review
I thought your description of trying to get to know people at a new school was fairly accurate. Personally, though, I found it easier when arriving in the middle of the year, because then people know you're new. At the beginning, or if you're new at 6th and 9th grade going into middle or high school (here in the US), then people assume you have friends already and don't want to talk to you.
This chapter was kind of silly and bizarre, but it was funny, if not as sharp as the previous two. I think Zoey is a really unique character. I am curious about how she is going to "help" Maxine. I have a feeling that Maxine may have a moment or two when she regrets agreeing to the help.Author's Response: Thank you. Well, this isn't exactly the middle of the year yet. It's only October so I figured that some people wouldn't have their cliques yet. Thank you so much for reviewing. I really appreciate your concerns and praise. =) Report Review
I'm really confused. Is her body still lying comatose in the hospital? If not, what happened to that body? Did it wake up and she's using it now? If so, why did no one notice? Do her parents think she is dead? Is this body she's living in at Hogwarts a second body? And don't you think the teachers will notice that a myserious new student has popped into their classes? How is she going to get a schedule? Has everyone's memory been modified or something so that they think she's always been there? Maybe you'll answer these questions soon, but right now I'm really confused! Especially about what happened to her comatose body.
You always include descriptions that make it easy to picture the scene. The descriptions are usually quite unusual; you have a definite voice in your writing. Also, there are generally humorous bits in your stories as well. I think the part I found funniest here was the bit about the Operator.Author's Response: I'm sorry you were confused by this. Her body is still lying in a coma in the hospital during the Hogwarts Era, and she is living in the Next Gen. So her body is lying there in the hogwarts era, and a different version of her is walking around. I wanted this to be clearer but I didn't know how to write it: the teachers aren't bothered by her being there because it is still relatively early in the school year and a late admission would not be remarkable. I'm sorry. It made more sense in my head.
Thank you so much for your reviews. I really appreciate everything you have to say =) Report Review
This is pretty different than any other fanfic I can remember reading. Parts of it remind me of a book I once read, though. "Elsewhere," I think it was called. Anyway, just little bits reminded me of it, like looking through a hole into the living world, which is a pretty common theme in life-after-death type stories.
One thing I thought was very interesting is that the teen romance in this chapter didn't turn out very well. Maxine felt all the things a lot of teens feel, I think, but this chapter isn't just some fantasy of how everything was then perfect forevermore. Although you went pretty extremely the other way, it's nice to see a fanfic that doesn't assume that every teenage relationship will work out. Even JKR had tons of couples in her books that got together at a really young age and stayed together, and . . . well, it's just not enirely realistic!
I do see the fairy-tale Sleeping Beauty kind of situation coming up, though. Still, I do think it is important for everyone to learn that they deserve to be loved and that there are people in the world who do love them or are willing to love them. I don't just mean romantic love, either; the non-romantic type is even more important, in my opinion. Hopefully Maxine will learn this during her journey over the next year.Author's Response: Thank you! I always strive to write something unique enough to be my own. I know what it's like to be around teenagers at this age, and to say that they are smooth as butter around each other is a lie. I just wanted to depict that in this story. Thank you! I hope the rest of this story doesn't disappoint you. =) Report Review
I'm definitely adding this to my favorites!
I can't wait for your next update.
I'm definitely addicted to this story.
I was having a really bad day (I made the mistake of posting a story on fanfiction[dot]net and somehow ended up on pottersues for an unedited chapter. people are SO rude there) but I came back and read this, and it really made me appreciate HPFF, not only because people are so nice, but because of the WRITING.
You're fantastic. I love your story, and I love your plot.
I can't wait for the next chapter :)Author's Response: =O The plot thickens...
Thank you! Wow, I'm so glad you like this. It really means a lot to me to know that you are interested in this. And to hear that my writing itself is good, is one of the best compliments I could ever get. Thank you so much! I'll let you know when I update ^_^ Report Review
I like the whole "master" thing of the cliques. Awesome.
Also amazing that Max saved her friend :)
I love how Zoey shows up at the most inconvenient times. I love her character, I really do :D
I love Teddy's persistence. Haha :)
YAY FOR KISSES.
That part about the awkward arms made me LAUGH. Sadly enough, I laughed because I've experienced that. It's awkward. But funny :D It adds so much character. Seriously, the little things like that are what makes your story so awesome.
I love this story. Seriously. It just keeps getting better. I can't find any typos or areas for improvement at all!
Onto chapter 6 :)Author's Response: Thank you! I like Zoey too. She's fun to write. I was scared that the kiss would be really weird and random and stupid, but I'm glad you liked it. =)
Thank you so much! It really means a lot to me to know that my little details are noticed. Thanks so much for your awesome reviews! Report Review
Hey! I'm sorry it took me so long to get to these other chapters. For some reason, my English teacher(s) and my History teacher thought it would be fun to bombard me with essays! Ugh.
The beginning of this chapter is awesome. They cut class to play Quidditch. I've never seen that one done before :)
or if a real Quidditch team needed o practice, -- to?
Nice night? If that isnít a pick-up line for dorks, I donít know what is. --- hahaha :)
Yay for one on one time with Teddy! So adorable.
This chapter was amazing :D
Your ideas are so original! I love it :)
Onto chapter five.Author's Response: No worries. No worries at all. Thank you! I kind of figured it would be weird to have them skip class to play Quidditch, but I think it would be fun XD Glad you liked it. Yep, that's a typo. Thanks for pointing that out. I'll get it fixed.
Thank you so much! Glad you are enjoying it ^_^ Report Review
Ilia, m'dear. I don't see how you can even possibly THINK about abandoning this story! Your descriptions are amazing and your plot, flow, everything is right on top. You've got me hooked and now I'm really hooked, because I'd like to find out if Max does go home with Teddy and what her reaction is when she heard Zoey tell her she works for the devil. I still can't belive Zoey would be doing such a thing! :o
There was i think one spelling mistake in both chapters, but other than that, I don't have any CC for you deary! :)
You must request a review when your next chapter is up! That's an order! :p (Too much of my brother being in the Army! haha)
AliciaAuthor's Response: XD Thank you! I don't know what it is, but I just feel like this story has become... dumb. XD I don't really like how I wrote it anymore, but I'm glad you do. Honestly, hearing people tell me that they like this story builds me up. As shallow as that sounds, it makes me feel like it's not so much of a waste. I feel like I can resurrect it.
Thank you so much! I'll definitely let you know when I update. ^_^ Report Review
I'm surprised to see that you didn't like this chapter because I thought it was very funny! I thought Zoey was hilarious with Teddy. However, I am wondering what the professors are going to say when a new and unknown students shows up in class. Can't wait to read what happens next!Author's Response: Eh, I don't know why I don't like it. There's just something about it that seems so dumb to me. But thank you. If you enjoy it, that makes me feel better. Thank you so much for reviewing! Report Review
I really liked how there were almost consequences to her coming back... like the fine print of a contract. First, she had to lose the memory of her past loves and then time had past by so quickly. With your writing style, I like how you seem to take your time. You don't rush to the next scene and you stay long enough on details without giving too much away. Very good!!Author's Response: Thank you! I tried to make it as difficult for her as possible. Hopefully I don't lose that as the story progresses. Thank you so much! I'm so glad you're enjoying the story ^_^ Report Review
I love this! I have to honestly say I have not read anything like this before, fanfiction or original. Your tone of voice with using first person narrative is very well written. I have found, in my experience, that first person can be difficult to write. You have done very well. Lovely cliffhanger at the end, as well!Author's Response: Thank you! It's so good to hear that something I've written is original. I'm kind of going through a hateful relationship with this story right now, and this review is making me feel better. Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
I don't think this chapter was awful at all!
I have a soft spot for Teddy, even though I haven't read many next gen fics. I was just so in love with his father (and I liked his mother as well) that it's hard NOT to love him. I love what you've done for our first glimpse at him.
I also love the whole school uniform protest thing - hilarious.
I really like your writing style a lot!
I can't wait to read the next few chapters.
Sadly, however, I must be off for the night.
I'll read the rest tomorrow ;)Author's Response: Eh, I just... I don't know. I just didn't like it. But I'm glad you like it.
Teddy has easily become my favorite character of all time, based only on that little line we saw from the epilogue. I don't know why, but I always pictured him to be so... cool. I'm just glad you like the way I've portrayed him.
Thank you! I was scared that the uniform protest would be done before, but I'm glad you liked it.
Thank you so much! Your reviews are really great =) Report Review
Imagining Zoey in wacky colours... haha. That made me giggle :)
That key draining the head thing - fantastic. I could just picture it. It's so cool and amazing and... ORIGINAL! Yay!
Crazzy. So she's from Hogwarts Era but thrown into Next Gen! Ah. That's so awesome! What a FANTASTIC way to time travel!
I'm not kidding. This is one of the most intriguing stories I've read in a while. Completely original concept. I can't think of anything you can improve on because it's all so flawless!
Great job :D
Chapter three, here I come!Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you are enjoying this. Wow, CAPSLOK!!!1 XD That was the only way I could think of to have her travel through time, so I'm glad it's not cliche.
Thank you! It means a lot to me to hear that my story is unique. I hope I don't disappoint in the future.
Thank you! Report Review
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