this story is great,i can't wait for the next chapter! Report Review
I enjoy your writing style. It is full of detail and creates solid imagery when read. The actual dialogue between characters needs work, however; much of it would sound strange actually coming out of a person's mouth. Try saying it aloud before you type.
The heroine's appearance/backstory (so far) is unfortunately not very original, and yours truly just can't get behind the idea of a magical laptop, sorry -- it just bends too many necessary rules of the Potterverse.
By the way, if someone looks "like a model, but with breasts and a butt," then they don't really look like a model, do they? :)
I do hope I haven't come across as mean, because I really did enjoy reading it, but I am who I am -- I coach writers for a living.Author's Response: Thanks for the tip on the dialogue, it seems like a smart idea. I know Silver's appearance/back-story isn't that original, but I'm not too concerned about that, its more her personality that I want to be original. The "wiztop" is a way of bringing a sort of new-age to the world of Harry Potter. I've actually set the story in the 21st century, 10 years after when everything is supposed to happen, but its still the Hogwarts era. I know some people may be against that, but that's the way I wanted to write this story. Someone can still look like a model even if they have breasts and a butt, its just how you view of model, I view them as poised, elegant, having a natural beauty(not like fancy, but that natural look thats still pretty), and having a decent figure.
You didn't come across as mean, don't worry about that. I think you might not have been able to understand all of how I write, my writing style can be fairly confusing so don't take offense to that. Other than that, I'm glad you liked it and hope you keep reading and reviewing. You seem like a very honest person and someone who would let me know if I'm overly confusing. So thank you for your honesty. Report Review
cool first chapter. i like the silver chracter and your writing style but the year is wrong i think harry started school in 1990 but that could be wrong (but its around then) and therefore she couldn't be in draco's class.
Also whats wrong with being grungy?Author's Response: I'll be sure to check my dates, thanks for letting me know.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with being grungy.
Part of Silver's attitude is that she doesn't like being labeled. It makes her seem contradictory, as in she doesn't like being labeled yet she labels other people. It makes her seem more human. Report Review
"You do realize you look like a psychopath. Oops, I mean like more of a psychopath." Draco smirked and Silver stopped and scowled at him.
This sentence doesn't make sense to me and I went over it a few times in my head. You might want to go back and edit that bit. I absolutely adore the Inkheart books. I'm on the second one!
Another thing I noticed. You had her slip on shoes, and then slip on some stilletos a few sentences later.
Very interesting idea about incorporating a 'wiztop.' Nice name too. Something to modernize them, yet still show they are seperate from us Muggles. Can't wait untill the next chapter.Author's Response: It means he's calling her a psychopath, because she was freaking out, they aren't the original words but the ones I used first were offensive so I had to change it. I'll see what I can do to make it more understandable though. I'll check for the shoes too, I probably had a lapse in memory while writing, lol.
P.S. - Inkdeath is coming out soon, its the third book, I can't wait! Report Review
Funny limo scene. Well written. So Draco is afriad of cats AND he's a virgin. You did a great job on making him seem less than perfect like most writers fail to do. It's also great how you should the way they understand each other. Did you write that poem as well? It was very nice.Author's Response: Thank you, nobody is perfect and I view Draco as somewhat of a coward. He always talks the talk, but does he really walk the walk? I don't believe so. Yes I did write the poem, though it was sort of last minute so its not as nice as it could be, but thanks for the compliment. Report Review
So they are both going to be prefects! Interesting twist. I like how you depict their love/hate relationship. I do wonder why Draco never noticed Nyx before. If his family always comes to her mother's borthday party, and for that one moment she dresses appropriately, why is this the first time he's notcied her. Something to think about and the only problem I've noticed.Author's Response: The thing is, even though she dresses up to please her mother, she still hides from the spotlight, like how she goes into the kitchen to get away from the party, she would have done things like that the years before too. Report Review
I like how, even though she's a Death Eater's daughter, she still has morals. Alot of people who make their characters DE's are rude. But she's human. And her parents are normal, to an extent obviously. I've read several stories were the person makes some kind of drastic change to their appearance but they soak in the light. I enjoy that she still doesn't particularly appeal to it. It's a moew human reaction. Report Review
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