Hello! This is Indigo from the forums, here with the review you requested. :)
I'm very fond of this little one-shot. It was written well, and flowed nicely. The paragraphs were, at times, a little chunky, but I still liked it. It almost added to the character of the fiction, if you know what I mean.
I would have liked to have seen a little more description, as well as some dialog. Maybe add some more foundation, texture. You also had some un-needed commas in there. Other than that, though, I really enjoyed reading it.
I absolutely loved your first sentence, "Silky brown hair, deep chocolate eyes, a catchy laugh, strong arms, a witty sense of humor, intelligent, dreamy, sweet, caring." What a great way to start your fic! It leads the reader in.
Very nicely done. I really enjoyed reading it. Thanks so much for requesting!!!
- RinAuthor's Response: Thanks. I'm really glad you liked it. I'll work on description/dialog if I ever get back into writting FF. Thanks :) Report Review
Hey, it's notreallyblonde from the forums here to give your review :)
'I was so involved with him, that I became oblivious to my surroundings.' -you do a lot of telling, it would kinda be cool to see this all play out and develop these feelings and overwhelming sentiments with your character...
'The next day, when we were walking around the lake, he leaned into kiss me, and I found myself feelings disgusted' -feeling disgusted. Since this is first person and it helps with the flow and the voice of the character I would just mention that there are a lot of crazy comma splices going on here :P
'In fact, I continued to hang out with them as if nothing had happened.' -who's them in this sentence?
Overall I felt that this was a cool little one-shot, I really was a big fan of what you said in the end. But like I said earlier it would have been a totally different experience as a reader to really get a sense of the characters and the settings through scene. Like I would have loved to hear them talk to each other, hear the gossip about them, get the textures of tapestry in her sweaty fingertips, or other concrete senses…of course this would mean changing the writing style entirely. So yeah, with this style in mind I love the message and the voice was really clear of the narrator's and I felt bad for her. Her message was important and I hate the player Christian (best name ever though!) for being a turd, along with Amanda…why did she not stand up for herself!? Lol. Sorry, I am not a fan of Amanda and Christian a lot!
Have a good holiday!
-LisaAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing this. I wrote this quite a while ago.
The feelings was a typo; thanks for catching that. Everything else was grammatical errors and such.
I'm glad you liked it. My style has definitely changed a lot, but I'm not writing FF anymore :(
Thanks for reviewing, hope you have a great holiday! Happy 2009! Report Review
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