This is really interesting. I wish to know more! Please update soon! Report Review
please update soon (:
i really want to know what happens next :D Report Review
It's often hard to find a good quality story in the archives, but this one really kept my attention and I enjoyed reading this chapter, even if it was slightly short :) Report Review
Well, I think that this is going on very well. Loved the last sentence. "But, of course, December knew everything." I think it'd be better if you italicized 'everything.' It would put more emphasis on it.
Well, grammatically, the same things are going on as were in the first chapter, so I really think you should look into a beta, or proofread to make sure you don't err that way again. Usually, what I do, I write the chapter one day, leave it alone, and then proofread the next day, so my eyes are fresh. I push away the fact that I wrote it, and I read it from a readers point of view :)
But really, I really enjoy December, she's a great OC character.
One thing that you should try to improve is description. It would add so much more depth to your story.
Other than that, you're great :)
Thanks for requesting!
(Please, don't be mad. I'm just trying to help :P )Author's Response: Yeah, I need to get better at proofreading myself, especially if I don't get a beta right away. And thank you, I'm glad you enjoy December. I know I need to work on my description. That's one thing I always seem to have trouble with and yet can never seem to make it fully better. And thank you lots.
And thank you for coming to read this. And I'm not mad at all, I understand that you're trying to help and I'm so grateful for it. Report Review
Hi! This is singerhotti24 from the forums, and I am here (obviously :P ) to review your story!
Well, you asked for character developement. I wish that you would describe December for me. As in the first sentence, you could say:
December closed her (insert color) eyes.
But other than that, the characterization is great!
Grammatically, here's what I have to put on the table.
1. You should definintely look into getting a beta. The would fix all the errors that I am about to point out to you.
2. Fix: You use the same key words more than once in a paragraph. Like so:
Example 1 'eyes' : December closed her eyes. She took in deep breaths as she thought of all the many things that would begin in only a few mere seconds. Then it began. A simple picture began to form in her eyes.
instead of using eyes the second time (the last sentence there) you could put:
Then it began. A simple, but clear, picture began to form in her mind.
See? So simple. Example 2: 'around him'
everything around him. Luckily for him, there was nothing around him.
Expand your vocabulary! Change it to this, or something like it:
It seemed as if he wanted to blend into the background, wanted to be hidden from his surroundings.
Luckily for him, there was nothing in a 100 foot radius that could make him stand out.
Or something like that.
Next, the only spelling oddness that I saw was this word: cloche. Do you mean 'Cloak'?:
The man began to move, his black cloche flowing behind him in the wind.
And this last one, flow wise:
He sat down in the old chair, half scared that the chair would break on him.
Whats the other half of the fear? Doesn't make much sense, sorry.
Other than that, the plot seems pretty interesting. I don't mean to be critical, I jsut want to help you out some. A beta could definitely do you some good :) They ould fix errors like that in a heartbeat!
Hopefully this helps :)
I'm off to the next chapter!
~GretaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for that. It did help a lot. I am currently asking for a beta, so I hope that I can get one soon. And thank you so much for pointing out some of the mistakes that I had. And just thank you for coming and reviewing this and pointing out what's good and what could need some work. Report Review
Well, I'm intriqued.. Good job I am VERY curious as to how this'll turn out!
xxAuthor's Response: Thank you. I'm so glad to have intrigued you. I have a chapter waiting validation right now so hopefully that'll be out soon. Once more thank you for the review. Report Review
It's absolutely addicting update soon!Author's Response: Thank you, thank you. I have plans to update it soon so it really all just depends on how long it takes validate.
Once more, thank you. Report Review
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