Your writing is incredible!
I love how you're telling the story from probably one of the most hated Death Eater's daughter- I mean, it's the guy who was going to kill Buckbeak!!
All I want is for Illyana to be happy! Does she? She does, right?!?!
Bea xoxoAuthor's Response: Haha. Hello again, Bea!
I love your response to this series so far! I want her to be happy too, but unfortunately she lives in a time of war. But there's always a silver lining ;) And yes, her dad originally killed Buckbeak. Meanie.
Thanks, hun! I appreciate your reviews a bunch :)
--NRB Report Review
You're doing a good job balancing emotion, description, action and memory. They flow nicely into each other, which can be hard to do.
And here's a little cliffhanger. Oh, you do know how to set a reader up.
overall this has been a fun read. I see a lot of potential here and a lot of places you can go.
-HoulestarAuthor's Response: Yippee! Thanks for that pick me up! this was a hard chapter to write so I'm glad that it read so well to you. Hopefully I go the write places haha, bad pun I know.
Thanks again! I love your challenges and your reviews have been to the point and insightful -thanks!
--NRB Report Review
You're doing good job with the emotions here. In the last chapter you did really well with the homesickness, here you've done wonderfully with the happiness to be home coupled with confusion. Nicely done!
The end I found a little bit dramatic, but it's not a big deal (I'm not big on the melodrama, personally). This is just a matter of personal taste, however.
-HoulestarAuthor's Response: *waves sheepishly* Sorry it took me so long to reply to these by the way!
Glad you felt that I was doing a good job handling all the emotions, Houlestar. They overwhelm me a bit too, but I feel that they all need to be expressed. You are not the only person to comment on the ending here. I will have to go back and make that more to my liking seeing as it sticks out to my readers as being not the best. Thanks for the CC, much appreciated!
--NRB Report Review
Interesting place to start the main story. The first sentence was a little shaky, but other than that the story was pretty readable, with no confusion at all. Simple style is generally the best in my opinion for fan fiction.
I've never liked Pansy. I can't tell if she's exactly OOC, but something strikes me as off. Maybe it's because I've never really paid attention to her... hmm...
Draco's cousin, this shall be interesting. (It always is.)
-HoulestarAuthor's Response: Hi again!!
Haha Pansy is an interesting being. She's probably on the OOC side, but I figure I would take some risks considering the news she was just dealt, the death of Dumbledore and Draco's disappearance. Hope the story stays interesting for you ;)
Thanks for reviewing!
--NRB Report Review
This is a good start. Setting up your character through her mother. Very interesting way to begin. I don't think I've ever seen a McNair OC, so this'll be interesting.
You have a lot of description in this chapter, and a lot of emotion. At times, it feels a little melodramatic, but it's not extremely so (otherwise I wouldn't be reading it).
I think the story has a lot of potential.
-HoulestarAuthor's Response: Hello Houlestar!
Yes, I've never seen another Macnair OD either, so hopefully this will help keep the story fresh ;) Hopefully the potential you see continues as the story progresses. Yes, it's high emotion, but I hope it's not too overbearing :/ glad you like it so far though!
--NRB Report Review
I've actually read the Prologue during the 10-year-anniversary. It piqued my interest back then, but I certainly didn't expect to jump to that particular moment, when the students found Dumbledore's body. I have to say though, it's interesting to see your take on what could have happened inside the Slytherin common room immediately after. Uproar, confusion, glee - it's all plausible. And how a pure-blood, who doesn't agree with the majority of them, sees it all.
I really liked your analogies (they are taken from ch. 1 +2), e.g. '..had the uncanny resemblance to goblins running around to find a missing galleon.'
'...about as unwelcome as a muggle in her home.' - and how you related them to the Potterverse. I can imagine a pure-blood using that kind of comparison, so kudos for that.
I didn't really notice any typos (nothing big anyway, there's maybe this line: 'in its steed.' - stead, in chapter 3) but all in all, it was flawless, as always.
I liked the way you introduced the flashbacks, the good and the bad. I like Ana as well so far, and her thoughts seem plausible and relateable, like when she started to realise something was wrong and you could sense her panic rising.
Now, I'm curious what happened to her mum. And who that man is. Maybe her father, fresh out of Azkaban?
You have a good plot there, and I'm curious to see what happens next.
Cheers, LeoAuthor's Response: HI LEO *waves frantically*
This is the last review I have to reply too :( Bittersweet.
I'm glad you enjoyed this. Those analogies help me keep my mind in the HP universe. I don't like seeing anything too muggle-esque from a pureblood. Thanks for the typo help ;) I believe I've corrected it.
I do hope to continue this story, so hopefully you will get those answers to your questions!! As always, thanks for the reviews, I love and appreciate them very much! I wish you the best in your writing and hope to see more Jonquil in the future btw :P
Lots of hugs,
--Ellie Report Review
Hello, Blonde. I've read the prologue and the first two chapters but I'm just posting one big review. Hope that's okay :)
Prologue - I really like the way you started this off. I think you made a great choice in selecting this moment as an opening. It's a very specific scene, where you don't try to do too much, just ease the reader into the story. Julienne is likable and pitiable and because of that I'm inclined to feel for the child, who at this point I assume will become the main character. My main criticism thus far is that the chapter is a little wordy. Many of the sentences are rather long (I think there is even a point where you use two semicolons back to back). Also, there are repeated words and/or words that aren't really necessary. Here's an example:
Julienne Macnair glanced down at the newborn child and started to bounce her up and down in her arms, thinking that the constant motion would ease the newborn's cries to silence. But the action did not help the exhausted mother any. For the tiny face of her daughter was still scrunched up in anguish, and her tiny hands and feet did not stop squirming from underneath the pink blanket.
This could be tightened up for better flow, I think. Newborn and tiny are both repeated. Also, "easing the cries" implies silence, and the word beneath could replace "from underneath." These are just a few examples of how you might be a bit more picky with the amount of words.
Chapter One - I thought the opening of this chapter was very strong. I think you selected the perfect moment to launch the story. The chaos and commotion in the hall and the common room was very realistic. I think you also did a great job with Pansy. You wrote both her dialogue and attitude very well. I like Illyana thus far. It's great that you didn't try to push too much of her on your readers at once. We'll get to know her better as we go. Two areas I felt were a little weak were the relationship between Daphne and Illyana and the funeral at the end. I got the impression from the rest of the chapter that Illyana is a loner so I'm surprised to see Daphne so emotional with her. I like Daphne's reaction to the stress - it makes a good contrast - but that she turns to Illyana for comfort seems odd. As for the funeral, the scene felt too short, just kind of tucked in there. I would have either drawn it out or skipped it all together. I didn't really feel it added much in the way of leading us on to the next chapter.
Chapter Two - Overall, I thought this was another good chapter. Again, I really like the way you stay in the moment and don't jump around scene-to-scene. I thought it was very clever how you commented on the empty house, comparing it to what Illyana expected to find. It set the scene visually without simply being a list of the items in the house. I particularly liked the bit about the kitchen. The secret room was also very clever. Again though, the ending felt a bit rushed. You built and built the tension but it didn't really peak for me at the end. It felt a little bit of a cookie-cutter response to the stress - a shaking hand, a single tear. I would have liked to see more confusion, disbelief, an insistence to find more clues. She just seems to instantly accept that her mother is gone. If it were me, I would have run through the house, ran outside to see if I could catch up to her...any desperate measure to better figure out what was going on.
Phew, okay, this is getting long so I'm going to stop here. I hope I was able to provide some helpful comments. Please feel free to poke me again sometime for more reviews if you like. Best of luck with the story!
a_wiz (RC)Author's Response: After almost a whole year, I'm responding to this review. It's taken me awhile to have the guts to reply to such a response to my story. I think I even stopped writing it, so that I could deal with the kinks that you mentioned above. The constructive criticism was amoung the best I've received and I am wholeheartedly grateful for the time and effort you put into this review. I only wish I responded to it earlier so that you could've known sooner how much I appreciated everything you wrote. I took all the concrit and, finally, made the necessary edits. Some changes were directly due to your response. And other changes, like the ending of chapter 2, were changed because of other reviewers' echoing your thoughts about the unfruitful nature of Chapter 2's ending.
Hopefully now I've achieved some of the things you mentioned. A tighter word range and a better grasp on the characters' interactions. You were right about Daphne, I just didn't want my character to come across as heartless because she isn't. But I suppose I will have to get at that characteristic another, better suited, way. And hopefully no more "cookie-cutter" endings; I don't want that at all.
Again, thank you so much for all the helpful words and I hope that I will be a better writer in the future from them :)
p.s. i miss the story banners!Author's Response: Uhmm, what do you miss? Lol. Can you not see the chapter images or story banner?
yayaay I loveddd it!! I hope you update soon, and silly me I meant Ana/George!Author's Response: Yay for loving it haha! Thanks a bunch, BlondegoingonBrown. I should be updating by August, I hope. *slowest writer ever*
There is no George btw :P
NRB Report Review
Why hello fellow Quizilla-er! ^^/
Awesome read! :0 The descriptions were great and the story feels really professional! I'm going to guess that the evil guy is Walden Macnair? Why did her mom leave? Was she taken away?
It seems like Illyana is a contradicting Slytherin. She has all the qualities of a Slytherin but not all the same prejudices. In some parts, you alluded to the fact that she still isn't a 'Muggle-lover' like how she doesn't read Muggle books anymore.
A little problem at the end:
"Illyana knew asked who this evil was."
Probably just a slip of your mind, LOL ^^
I loved it! Really great read and lots of emotions, I can also get a clear picture of surroundings and character personality and physical aspects.
Angelic FlowersAuthor's Response: Hello :) Sorry for my delayed response, I'm such a terrible responder. Anywho, Quizilla you say? The good ole days, until I found HPFF haha.
"Professional" -such a compliment!! Thank you so much! I hope the description and such doesn't falter as I continue with this story, and the professional-ness continues too haha.
Those questions will be answered soon enough...dun, dun, dun ;)
Illyana is quite complex. Even I have trouble figuring out her personality and interests at times. As you've seen, she can be quite confused/unaware, stubborn, loving, and people-hating all at once. Her mother has had a huge influence on her, but her Slytherin heritage means something to her nonetheless. We'll see how the prejudices manifests and doesn't throughout this story for sure. So, I'm glad you picked up on Illyana's contradictory nature haha.
Ooof. I fixed that little sentence and a few other things I caught once I read it over heh. Thanks a bunch for pointing that out! No matter how hard I try, I always make a mistake *sigh*
Thanks for reviewing, it means a lot to me that my readers take the time to review! The fact that you love the story thus far is even better haha. I will try my best to update before the summer is out, but I have way too many WIPs to promise anything ;)
NRB Report Review
Aw, poor Illyana. I feel her sadness as I could not imagine my mother leaving. It's terrible. Over all, though, I thought you did a great job building up to the point when Illyana found the note her mother wrote to her, explaining she had to leave, and then releasing the pain Illyana felt. Great job. (:Author's Response: Hey Leslie!
Thanks for the reviews :) I'm glad you felt her sadness. What happened to her is terrible and I hope that I can continue to show (and for my readers to continue to feel) Illyana's loss and pain as the story progresses.
Ellie Report Review
Ooooh I just found this story and I'm loving it. I love how conflicted Ilyana us, rooting for future Ily/June! Hope you update soon!Author's Response: Yay for loving it! Yes, Illyana is rather conflicted here and it will probably only get worse...maybe haha. I hope you continue to enjoy the series! I will update by the end of July I hope ;)
And I'm not really sure what you mean by Illy/June :/ Sorry. Report Review
So first off, I was drawn here by your sig on The Golden Snitches - I was fascinated by the quote about how 'The enemy is anyone who's going to get you killed... no matter which side he's on.' I clicked, came to the story page, and was similarly drawn in by your summary. Awesome. I love brilliant manipulative characters.
I don't know about you, but personally the most difficult characters for me to write and to read in fanfiction are OCs. Writing them is difficult because they must be realistic and fit in the universe, and reading them is difficult because beside the canon characters, they often don't feel as fleshed-out or interesting. On the other hand, a well-written OC can be a wonderfully novel character, somebody who lends new depth to a story and brings out new sides of the world or the established characters. Julienne Macnair is one such OC. In under two thousand words, you convinced me that she was interesting and that I wanted to know more about her, her situation, and her life in general. Lines such as
'...marriage to her once-loved Walden...'
are very good, hinting at a past which we may never get to see, yet add depth to both the characters and the story. I felt a connection to Julienne, and the description of her despair was creepy in the best possible way.
I was, as you may have noticed thus far, very impressed by the fact that you really made me care about Julienne's life and situation. The faltering nursery rhyme was a very clever way to weave in her uncertainty about the world she lived in, being as it was apparently rather exclusive to the Pureblooded culture. I was wondering at first why you changed the words, but it was well done.
Your writing style is excellent. It draws the reader in, provides a good balance of description and emotion, and really made me able to envision the scene in my head. I felt it got a tad wordy at times, but it was nothing too serious. Technically the writing is very well done; I didn't spot any mistakes, though I was quite caught up in the emotion of the chapter, and thus wasn't looking as closely as I might normally (I can be a bit of a grammar nazi, you see).
I'd like to mention that I think the image for this chapter was perfect. The woman in the picture looks much like I was imagining Julienne; beautiful, but distant and with a smile that doesn't touch her eyes. Good call.
In summary, this is a great introductory chapter, introducing a believable and sympathetic character who (if my assumption is correct) isn't even the protagonist, and using some extremely well-written third-person prose - I've read published books whose writing wasn't near as polished as this. I'm definitely giving this chapter 10/10, and I'm off to read the other two.Author's Response: Ok...so I totally thought that I responded to this a million years ago. I fail at life, please forgive me XD Anywho, this is one of the most FANTASTICLICIOUS reviews I have ever gotten on HPFF. I'm printing it and plan to hug it lol.
So...where to begin officially! Uhm, your review leaves me aghast! It is the sweetest review ever and you praised everything! My summary, image selection, prose, characterization, OC, writing, on and on everything! I'm so floored by your response to my work that I can only hope (and potentially beg) that my next chapters can live up to the standard I seemed to create for myself with this prologue. Please, let me know -I love CC btw.
But in all seriousness, thank you so much for this review! It makes me feel so fantastic and mughy (I don't feel this often about my writing) and I just don't know what else to write in response to you.
Thank you so much, Reuben! I'm glad you enjoyed the prologue :)
Ellie Report Review
It's nice having another character's perspective of what they experienced during HBP/DH, gives more insight to the surroundings rather than just what Harry is aware of. Also, you've really built up strong characters in not only Julienne, but also Illyana now. It's clear that she doesn't know what to think of Dumbledore's death having not really known him, only what her mother has told her. And her inner struggle with figuring out how she feels about all of this that has happened in the span of one night seems very evident and you've done a great job emphasizing her turmoil for readers to see.
As far as the plot and flow go, I think it's shaping up nicely so far as you're doing a good job sticking with the timeline as well as adding in how other characters view these events that are happening around them. Great chapter. I'll review ch. 3 sometime tomorrow.Author's Response: Hey Leslie! Thanks for the review; sorry this response is SO extraordinarily delayed. Thank you for your kind words too. I'm glad you get all that I wanted my readers to sense :) And that you felt like Illyana and Julienne are strong characters! I hope to keep this pretty canon compliant, so I'm glad there wasn't anything too wonky with the timeline now haha.
Thanks again! Hope you enjoyed the rest of what you read ;)
Ellie Report Review
I really like this so far, it's different and you've really captured Julienne's character well, as well with how she's coping with motherhood in the starting gates. There is much to comment on since not much happened yet, but so far the writing is flowing nicely together and I think I only crossed over one or two typos that I can't even remember where they were because they were small typos. Over all, great prologue to what looks like an intriguing story.Author's Response: Hey Leslie!
I'm glad you enjoyed this and find it to be "different" haha. You are correct that much isn't going on yet, but this was a prologue for that very reason, so I'm happy you think it was great in that sense! I went back and tried to catch the typos I could find ;)
Ellie Report Review
I really liked how you built up suspense in this chapter. Simply having everything remain silent as she went through her home was a very good tactic. It reminded me of times when I would come home to an empty house.
I particularly liked the scene with the painting of Abraxas Malfoy. It was what put me most in mind of the Black residence at Grimauld Place. Nice detail.
If there's any criticism of the overall story thus far, it's that there is not much interaction. Almost all the action has been an internal monologue. There's nothing wrong with that, perhaps if Illyana had been in a discussion with a classmate before apparating home it might have added another dimension to the chapter.
Good writing and I look forward to reading more.Author's Response: 'Ello again!
I'm glad you felt the suspense from this chapter. I always undermine myself as a writer (worst critic right here!) and feel that I can't make my readers' feel certain things -so this makes me happy! Coming home to an empty house, when you don't expect it, always freaks me out. I find myself looking through the whole thing...just in case haha.
See, there is some magic here ;)
Your criticism at the end really sums up what has been going on! Aka, the distinction you make between internal and external events is really eye-opening. Unfortunately, the next chapter was already semi-written and planned, but after that there will be more interaction than I can probably handle. I really appreciate this bit a feedback and hope to change the pace of the story because of it. Thank you so much :)
NRB Report Review
Interesting place to begin the body of the story. I can look forward to Illyana having to deal with Snape and the Carrows reign at Hogwarts. This is definitely a time when she'll need to make some tough decisions.
The writing was mostly high quality, but there were a few errors that caused some discomfort. In a few places the meaning was a little unclear, but that was the exception. Generally the story was nicely detailed.
I would have liked the funeral scene to have been expanded a bit more. It seemed a bit rushed. You also didn't let the readers know that the song that was heard was Fawke's song. Fine for those who are familiar with the story, but confusing for people who are not. I understand Illyana would not have known what the song was at that time, but the narrator may have or she could have heard later.
Again, I'd like a little more magic. It is one of the charms of the world of Harry Potter.
Despite these criticisms, the chapter was rather well written and you get a good sense of the upcoming problems and choices that will be facing our protagonist. You did a good job showing rather than telling about her. Keep up the good work.Author's Response: Months later and I am finally responding to your reviews *is ashamed* Sorry about that.
First of all, thanks for you reviews in general :) Your perspective has been great! Yes, she will definitely be facing a LOT of challenging times and Snape/the Carrows won't be seen for a while...dun, dun, dun lol.
I'm glad you felt that this chapter was pretty well done. I probably won't ever add in that it was Fawkes' song, but I understand your reasoning for stating that I should. As I said in my last response, more magic will occur! I have not stripped magic away in this series I assure you ;)
Yay for showing and not telling haha! Always important. Thanks again for your reviews!
NRB Report Review
This was a very well written chapter. There were a few noticeable punctuation mistakes, but they were only noticeable because of the crispness of the rest of the writing.
I particularly liked the little parenting details that makes Julienne's motherhood more believable-- holding the hair away from the baby's grasp and the changing of the eye color.
Considering that this is a Harry Potter fanfic, it might have been appropriate to include a little wand waving, just to help the reader get into the setting. HPFF readers take it for granted, but if there were a reader not as familiar with HP they might not even realize they were dealing with a witch and a witch's child.
All in all, though, an excellent chapter and a good start to a larger story.Author's Response: puiwaihin, thank you so much for your quick review! I have finally edited the chapter a bit, taking into consideration this review and your PM comments about punctuation. I'm glad you believed in Julienne's motherhood -she really didn't do such a bad job in the end I think haha. I understand what you mean in terms of magical elements, but the rest of the story will have plenty of magic from the HP world to go around ;)
NRB Report Review
Wow that was absolutely amazing! It was chilling and scary and also gave a really realistic account of what happened. It wasn't too over the top and it didn't give us the pretence of Illyana being cool and collected about it, because honestly that wouldn't happen :)
I really liked the secret room being added in but the 'four white pillars' just reminded me to much of Malfoy Manor. I think you should change the description because the Malfoys were the RICH death eaters... was McNair really that rich? Or is this AU McNair. Anyhow it still reminded me of the Malfoys' place.
One more little bit of CC, the ending was too abrubt for my liking. It would have worked if you had put something more descriptive and gives us a clear view of what Illyana is feeling, like the sentences before and indeed the whole story so far. I think that just "Illyana cried." isn't a sufficient ending for a story which has shown a much higher calibre of writing before.
But still a fantastic story in which I hope there'll be another chapter soon :D Another 9/10 :)
~NeverGotHerLetter x x x xAuthor's Response: Hi again! Sorry my responses have been delayed!
Haha, oh no, I don't think many people could remain cool and calm in a situation like this at all. Yay for chilling, realistic, and scary! I'm so happy you felt those things while reading this.
As far as the Manor concerns, it isn't as big as Lucius' Manor that's for sure. However, remember, Illyana is a Malfoy too ;) As the next chapters come out, more will be revealed in terms of Walden MacNair's connections.
Hmm, while I already know I'm not going to drastically change the ending, I appreciate your feedback on this section. I'm glad that you got the sense of a degradation in description and language, because that was my intention. As Illyana breaks down, so does the language, in my opinion. But maybe that parallel wasn't executed as well as I thought it was...and I will read that part over too. Either way, I'm glad that you find that I have a high calibre (awesome word!) of writing haha.
Thanks again, I'm glad you enjoyed most aspects of the story this far! =)
Ellie Report Review
Another amazing chapter! I'm finding it hard to give you constructive criticism so I'm going to be really picky, ok? :)
So why was Daphne so emotional? Was it just the effect of seeing Dumbledore's body? Or is she a 'nice' Slytherin who liked Dumbledore and is genuinely sad about his death. Also, her emotions change quickly; first she's crying hysterically then she's angry and defiant and then sad again. I think you should check that up :)
Otherwise a great chapter! A really good perspective of an OC witnessing Dumbledore's death and a really good base for characters to know who she is, i.e. her being Draco's cousin and being close to him as you said he wasn't talking to her much lately which insinuates they were close before his task. 9/10 for this one, and still an amazing story! :D
~NeverGotHerLetter x x x xAuthor's Response: Hi hi! Thanks for reviewing hun!
Haha, I love nit-picky, no worries ;) Daphne is emotional because, well, she just is emotional :P She hasn't quite mastered control over her emotions, but the shock and horror of death and fear for her future played a big role in making her even more emo. However, I definitely see what you mean -she did get rather angry out of seemingly nowhere and I will see if there is some way to spruce that transition up a bit, thanks!
Yay! I'm glad you enjoyed Illyana's first perspective and got a sense of how she fit in to everything canon (if I'm not reading your review incorrectly). I'm glad you find the story to be amazing haha, thanks so much for reviewing this for me!
NRB Report Review
Hi :) This review is like a month late I know, but I've been SO busy so sorry! I'm skipping a history essay for this haha :D
So this is an AMAZING start!! It's really intriguing and Julienne is very believable. Also it gives an insight in to what it was like at for some wizarding families at the time of the first war. I really like it! Spelling and grammar is fine, as is the general plot line and it's definitely unique, I've never seen anything like it before... really looking forward to reading on! 10/10 :)
Sorry again for the late review and I'll try to be more helpful to you for improving it in the next chapter :)
~NeverGotHerLetter x x x x xAuthor's Response: Hey NeverGotHerLetter! Haha, don't worry about being late, to be completely honest I didn't realize how long ago I posted in your thread (I had to double-check) lol and ooof! don't miss a history essay over reviews, especially on my account, I'm sorry hun :/
Thank you! I didn't tihnk it was that fantastic, but thanks so much for your kind words and for saying it's unique. I'm going through a rut right now and I think your review has made me feel better about the story as it is thus far. Thanks so much! I'm glad you felt like this opening gave you some insight and that Julienne was believable, that's very important!
Quit apologizing haha ;) Thanks again!
Ellie Report Review
Hi, electricfeel again :)
Aw, poor Illyana! This was a really great chapter; it delves further into Illyana's relationship with her mother and father as well as giving the reader little snippets about her life thus far. The mentioning of the muggle books that she hadn't touched since being sorted into Slytherin was a nice touch. In such a small sentence you give us a lot of information. She was a Slytherin, her mother obviously had no real issue with blood purity, yet, being sorted into Slytherin must have had an effect on Illyana with regards to her feelings on it all. Cleverly done.
You've also begun developing your plot nicely, it's certainly full of mystery and many open ends. This has the potential to really capture your readers imagination.
I really do believe your strength lies in description. The whole opening paragraph was done brilliantly and the last few short, sharp sentences matched the change of mood in the story well.
Overall, a really good chapter. I'm sorry I can't offer more CC but I don't think you need to change anything really!Author's Response: Hello dear!
I know, right? Poor girl :( Living during War is never easy...can't say if it will get better of worse for the darling Illyana. I'm glad you're getting a sense of character from the detail, that's what I wanted! I hope the plot continues to keep people in, the next chapter will certainly add more depth to an already growing plot haha.
Yay! I have a strong point haha. I'll keep this in mind ;) Thanks for the review! Yours always made me happy!
Oh, and there is still much more to Julienne than what meets the eye ;) Report Review
Hi! Liberate60 from the forums here.
I like your story and how you illustrated the suffering of Jullienne. Very nice.Author's Response: Thanks, Liberate!
nrb Report Review
The writing in this was amazing. It really drew me in, and I liked how you did all of the characterizations especially! The last line was.. it left me speechless! Oh goodness, well, I really like how the chapter came together. I don't think I've read a story that starts at this time before, so it was an interesting and really refreshing read for me! Oooh, I wasn't expecting Draco's cousin! :D
-gingerAuthor's Response: Hello ginger!
I'm glad you liked my writing :D That makes me so happy! Along with the fact that the characterizations worked for you too, yay! Haha, I'm glad a few things were new too ;) Thanks so much for the review! I really appreciate it! & happy 10 years HPFF!
nrb Report Review
This was so beautifully written! I loved your description, it was so easy to imagine the whole scene and connect with Julienne. And she's staying for her daughter's sake.
An interesting set-up, makes you want to read on and find out what's going to happen to mother and daughter. And you mentioned Malfoys?! Could Draco be Ana's cousin?
The only small things I noticed were these:
... she thought about all the times she had been kept her awake since her daughter's birth ... - I think the her can be omitted.
... and the wailing would be begin the second she breathed the wrong way. ...
... fall as easy prey ...
So, grasping at straws here, trying to be helpful :)
I really enjoyed reading! xxx LeoAuthor's Response: Hey Leo! Thanks for stopping by, yeah 10th Anniversary :)
You have to read on to find out about these alleged Malofys haha. ;) I glad you enjoyed the piece and saw everything so clearly. And I especially liked that you pointed out my mistakes - I always make them and am such a perfectionist -so thank you so much! You were very helpful indeed, thank again :)
nrb Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection