a little vague, but it gave me chills. The emotion was very extreme. It goes from great happiness to great sadness.
You portrayed alice's character very vividly, telling a lot about her without telling about her. Frank's personality was protrayed well also.
great job.Author's Response: Thank you. :] Report Review
Okay, I completely take back what I mentioned in my previous review. =P You definitely have Alice & Frank figured out and there's no doubt in my mind that this story is going to be great. I really love how you had Alice look at a picture, which let the readers know that there had been a time--albeit, a long time ago--that they were simply friends who spent their time together. And then you went on to show that, though Alice tells her brother that she and Frank are just friends, she doesn't quite know what she feels towards Frank.
Then, you have this new twist already. I have no idea what it's all about, but I have to tell you that I am dying to find out! I really like how you kept it mysterious and how you're drawing your reader in to read more.
I really enjoyed reading this story up to this point and I wish you the best of luck with the rest of it! Maybe I'll even stop by and read some more chapters if I have the time. ^_^ Keep up the great work and I really expect an amazing story when this is completed. =]Author's Response: Thanks so much! I really appreciate the reviews. They were so helpful! ^.^ Report Review
Aww. I love these two already. I really like the idea of having Alice be from a pureblood family full of expectations and then have Frank be the one who's the happy, joking guy that just wants to get her to smile. My only criticism would be that Alice seems a lot like Lily Evans, in a way. Now, I have a feeling that you won't let her go that way, but a lot of times in stories, the girl is the prideful one who refuses to accept that she likes the guy,she's always following the rules and he's not, she's miss perfect and he's a rebel. They're complete opposites that have absolutely nothing in common and yet they somehow end up falling for each other and all that jazz, you know? Just don't fall into that, even if it's with a different pairing than Lily and James.
Now, with that said, if this chapter is any indication, then I don't think that the above will be much of a problem. You seem to have a good grasp of the characters so far and I look forward to seeing them develop more. I especially liked the first part where you had Alice remembering how she and her sister used to pretend their house was a castle. That was a very nice way to start off the chapter. =]
So really, my only suggestion is to just keep writing your story and make sure that you don't fall into the cliche romance stories. And the only reason I say this at all is because at the very end of the chapter, when Alice laughs, it seemed just a little out of place, maybe a little forced. Then again, perhaps I should just read some more and find out more about their current relationship. =P
Great job so far. I look forward to reading the next chapter!Author's Response: Thanks for the tips! Report Review
What can I say? They are absolutely adorable together!Author's Response: Aww, thank you. :] Report Review
Awww. I love how you have Alice here. The first paragraph made me smile. ^_^ It was nice how you described how they were perfect together, but when apart they were a bit off. It was a nice touch. =]
I didn't see any grammar mistakes, so congrats on that aspect! Haha. And honestly, I don't have anything to criticize about this chapter. It's on the shorter side, so my review's a bit shorter than normal, but I still loved it. It was a nice way to start off the story and I'm really excited to find out what happens.
Good job on this chapter! =]Author's Response: Thank you very much! Report Review
Me again! :)
I love this story so far! ^_^ You go into such great detail on what Alice and Frank are thinking.
Apart from what I've said about the paragraphs, I think you have an excellent start. Feel free to request the other chapters! :) Remember, only 5 at time! ;)
AliciaAuthor's Response: I'm glad you like it! Report Review
Hi Proud Hufflepuff! :)
Yay, another Hufflepuff! :p
What can I say... you have truely got a thing for writing. Seriously.
The only thing I recommend though, is breaking down your paragraphs into smaller chunks. I think it'll make it easier for the reader to read. ^_^
Other than that, I didn't really see any mistakes at all.
You don't see many Frank/Alice stories out there and you really tell it well! :)
Keep it up!
AliciaAuthor's Response: Thank you very much! I'll definitely work on moving my paragraphs a bit. :] Report Review
I love the way you are writting this story! Alice and Frank are very unique! Can't way to read more!Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoy it! Report Review
Please update soon, I can't wait to read the next one!
10/10.Author's Response: I'll try to update once more before I leave to go home! I get home the 28th, so if I don't get it done before then, I'll post one up before I go to bed that night. :] I'm glad you enjoyed! Report Review
It was a little confusing, although that could have just been me :p
10/10.Author's Response: I'm sorry it was confusing for you! D: Report Review
This story sounds really good! Keep writing
~AuroraAuthor's Response: Thank you very much; I will! Report Review
Oh mi goodness. You seriously have excellent writing. You go into such depth and detail. It's amazing. I love it.
You have an excellent plot forming!! I really enjoyed it!!
I truly don't see any mistakes. That makes it so much easier to enjoy. Great story!
10/10Author's Response: That is fantastic to hear! Report Review
Love this story. Can't wait for the rest.Author's Response: I'm so glad you do! Thanks for the review. :] Report Review
I feel so bad for Alice! :( *poor Alice*
The story is really good... please keep updating quickly! :)
I really like your story!!!Author's Response: I'm going to try to now! I've just been busy. D: I'm glad you like it! Report Review
This story is amazing!!! I love it so far... please keep writing. I feel so bad for Frank because his dad died... but he's a really interesting character. You can do a lot with him! :) haha.
(well, I am serious... but he's totally your character... kind of... he's also kind of JK Rowling's...) :)
It's really, really, really good!! :)
Please continue updating quickly!!! :)Author's Response: Thank you very, very much! Report Review
second word in this whole thing should be: Lay, Laid makes no sense in this type of content.
and i think you need to say why she had a vacant expression on her face some more...
i honestly am very confused, too much has happened between chapters. something happened by the time they went for a date and now. you need to add a chapter in between this chapter and that one to make it more effective.
you will have your readers very confused if they don't understand why they broke up
i'm not feeling much for this chapter, i do love your description i just think you have a lot moreto work on
very nice job however portraying alice
oh i hope i wasn't to harsh
request morereviews at anytimeAuthor's Response: Thanks for pointing that out. :] Which form of 'lay' to use has never been one of my stronger points. As for Frank and Alice breaking up, they were never really together. He simply took her on a date, but I do see where the reader could get confused. Thanks for taking the time to review! Report Review
so, i would love to know where the butterbeer bottle came from. You just say she kicked it out of her way but i think you need to add a sentence before this saying that it was on the ground in front of her or wherever it was. it would make it much clearer here
great descriptions as always. i love your details in this chapter, you seem like you really are great at catching details
i love that they are going on a date. yay. so cute right there. That sounds very teenageish like.
one thing i was confused about however was the starting sentence, i don't know that expression however
and when they bicker they do indeed remind me of an old married couple
i love them!
i love this story. nicely done.
i apologize for my reviews being so short. i hope they don't seem rushed or awful. i love responses to them by the way
great jobAuthor's Response: It was just garbage on the street. :]
Thanks for the review! Not rushed or awful at all! Report Review
hey firstly i would like to point out some CC.
I think you mean the word unconciously when you said sub conciously. Also i was a little confused with some of the wording in this chapter. I think you might need to clear some parts up, because of course you as the writer know what's oging on. but if you write words (and this is an example) such as it tooo many times readers have no clue what it is. you neeed to write out the words in some parts more
once again. Bravo on your description. it really is flawless and beautiful. i'm jealous with your writting style. I think that the pace is so much better in this chapter
and i'm glad we get to see some light on Franks life
he has Alice and that's great
i love how you write the two. wonderfully doneAuthor's Response: Thanks! I'll look into that when I can. :] Report Review
wow, this is another really good chapter. I am really sorry it is taking me so long to review and my reviews are probably really bad. Currently i am in school and I am trying to review this quickly. I don't want my professor to catch me doing something i probably shouldn't be doing.
I really like this chapter, it is so emotional and it's amazing you had them in the same bed and everything and nothing even happened.
To me, this chapter sounds like they are a lot older than just being teenagers. i think you want to make it sound like they are younger
also, Hasn't Frank known her for more than five years if they are sixteen. They start Hogwarts at age eleven? correcto?
so maybe you might want to include a kiss
i was in love with your descriptions and the purity of your writting. It's flawless, there were no grammatical errors that i could fine. Really really nice job, i really love this chapter. Good work.Author's Response: He has known her for more than five years, yes; they were friends/knew each other before Hogwarts through their parents. He was saying that he's falling for her, and doesn't want to wait as long as his dad did to kiss his mother to kiss Alice. Thank you for the review! I hope I cleared a bit of that up for you. :] Report Review
soo now i finally understand what happens and it clears up all the confusioni had about chapter three. Wow. What a really nice chapter
This chapter really got me, it's just so emotional and i don't really have much cc
maybe be careful in some places with your word choice, because that could always be stronger.
you're description is wonderful, and this was such an emotional chapter.
so well done. it is leaps and bounds of improvement over the last one. i loved the description.
Oh i hope that Frank is okay and that they get together soon!Author's Response: I'll definitely work on my word choice. Thanks so much! Report Review
ohhh i really do like this story but for this chapter i hope you don't mind a great deal of CC. for the first thing i really like the beauty of your writting, your descripton
i also really enjoy the idea of your story i just personally think there is a lot to work on for this chapter. One of the things i have enjoyed throughought is your ability to write description and characterize Alice so well. it's pretty darnnn amazing and you should be happy about that.
now some chritisism: sorry if i'm too harsh
i think that in the second sentence when you are talking about the cold it might be better using the word coldeness instead of she immediately felt the cold.
i also think that the flow in this chapter has become choppy in some places and it is getting harder and more difficult to read in this one
one more thing. i hope you don't hate me yet is that i am a little confused on what has happened. Obviously it's like something needs to be there, maybe that there should be a chapter in between the two to explain what has happened with Frank. I am confused and it makes this story choppy about what has happened
it's something that you can't just have the reader guess about
over all i liked it. but i think that this chapter needs a lot more work to become improved. good jobAuthor's Response: Nope, you weren't too harsh! I'll work on that. :] Report Review
So i like this chapter too, i love your descripiton and I am wondering where you are heading with this story. The transition between Alice remerbering her past to the presnt was a little bit unclear and confusing for me. I think you might want to add a transition area or paragraph saying that she was having a flashback or shooting to the past. That's my advice for this chapter. I am also going to suggest that you watch out for missing words, so far your story is really good. I really liked Alice remember her past
great job so far. Your writting is beautiful and sophisticated. Nicely done!Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'll revise a bit more whenever I get the muse to. Report Review
oh wow. I really like this, i loved your description and everything. I think that is beautiful and the pace was great.
I was a little confused in the first couple paragraphs because there is a lot of repitition with some words and sentences. i think you might want to fix that because it will make this chapter a lot easier to read. It will also clear it up and make it flow nicer.
one error i found:
"There was a time when Alice knew how to dream rather than be realistic. "
this sentence should say: There was a time when Alice knew how to dream rather than being realistic.
other than that this is great. i absolutely love the beginning and the description is beautiful. i love alice and frank and haven't read much of them. I'm onto the next chapter
very nicely done
9/10Author's Response: Thanks so much. :] I'll fix that just as soon as I can. Report Review
The humor was great, I loved it all, especially the two mothers arguing.
10/10.Author's Response: Thank you very much. :] Report Review
Wow, this was so beautiful. So, so intimate and tender. I'm at a true loss for words. I really apologize for my reviews being this short, i usually drone on and on, but this story is lovely in its simple briefness. I could quote almost every other bit of this chapter as something amazing. This is a love scene unlike any other I have ever read. It's so original and creates such a powerful element in their relationship from now on. I am truly in awe.
So, as for descriptions, it is great. You have wonderful writing and the ability to find just the right words when you set out to describe or explain. The characterisation is lovely so far. These characters aren't exactly defined yet, I believe they're slowly developping, but they have this vibe and spark that interests the reader. Plot...well, there's not much of a significant plot. I have the feeling this will be focused on the Alice/Frank romance solely and how their relationship will be growing and moulding. Though, correct me if I'm wrong. Oh and I also have to say I love the emotions. The characters are really human and all this is so well-written it's very believable. Good job. :) I enjoyed reading this.Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much! That means so much to me. Pardon me, though, for sound so repetitive! I'm glad you enjoyed it, though! ^.^ Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection