Reading Reviews for Bloodlust
  
121 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Violetmist All My Troubles on a Burning Pile

17th July 2011:
It's been over a year and you haven't been posting any more chapters.What happened? I love this story and wish that you would continue it so that I can read the ending ;)

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Review #2, by Severus my hero All My Troubles on a Burning Pile

21st November 2010:
Alright, so here is the review you requested ages ago... I am very sorry for the wait but anyhow...

You showed particular concern regarding the fact that you left the story for a bit and came back to it. While reading your story I must say it is not that noticeable... The flow is good and the plotline is unravelling quite well...

I would like to commend you on coming up with such a different story line and handling it so well... Well done...

Hope to read more soon... :D :D

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Review #3, by long_live_luna_bellatrix Siriuntine

30th August 2010:
Guess who's finally here with a review? I'll jump right in because I have a lot to say.

First, thanks to your summary via PM, this was very easy to read. I didn't have to flip back to any past chapters, and a few bits and pieces of the story came back as I read. It was quite the easy read. I won't say I'm used to such an honest, nearly sappy Sirius, but if he's correct and Clem causes him to be all honest around her, it works. Sirius and Clem's banter was natural and flowed well, except for one bit. In this sentence ('Precisely. And now she's gone all skew-whiff. Completely bonkers. I wasn't aware she was so blinkered. I mean, I do feel awful, don't get me wrong.') there were three slang terms. I'm not familiar with British slang, but I'm not even quite comfortable with that much American slang, and half the time I'm the one saying it. :P It grew a tiresome by the time I got to blinkered. You may want to consider re-wording that. Other than that, it flowed nicely. I especially liked this sentence: 'Why do you pick now to speak to me when you've been doing a smashing job of not? Speaking to me, I mean. What?'

The inkling that Clem had, about her needing to stay at Hogwarts, was kind of too convenient. She's already a vampire, after all. My suggestions is to explain that as a side effect of being a vampire, the fact that she can sense things like that. Otherwise it's too perfect, if you know what I'm saying. Especially if Clem's special vampire power is manipulation, she doesn't need /another/ power. That's my line of thinking, anyway.

I can actually understand where Clem's coming from what with the sudden anger at Sirius spewing from her lips. It was a better reaction than acting all girly and giggly, and I liked that touch of reality. It's natural to want to have her go all sappy, but she snapped into something more natural to her character. Nice job there.

Why was Gandalf's name in there, out of curosity? In this sentence: "wondering what in Gandalf's name was going on" A typo, or something else?

"Sirius smirked aces, and Clementine practically deliquesced in her pants." Ok. So. For someone who doesn't know what the word deliquesced means, it sounds pretty bad. Once I looked it up I was ok, but a simpler word choice might make it a little easier for your perverted readers. ;) Overall, nice work on this one.

~lllb

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Review #4, by potterwriter340237 Hot Mess

28th July 2010:
Hi! It's Miranda from the forums with your review! Sorry it took so so so so long for me to get to this! First of all I love who chose for James, adorable and hilarious!
I love how you described her feeling of veing included in something, it's sad and touching but also very cute.
I really enjoy your writing style, it has a nice fluidity too it, and at no point in the story am I bored. You manage to paint a very nice and believable image.
Loved this line, "You're lucky you're so damn handsome" it was cute, and I loved the kiss on the cheek :)

I won't be able to review the next chapter, I'm sorry this is a pretty good story but I am not into the vampire thing :(
Re-request for another story if you would like!
Again sorry it took so long!

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Review #5, by DemetersChild For Reasons Unknown

24th July 2010:
Number two!

Grammars:

“...it was just a little light. But in her gut, Clementine knew there was something dark about this light. She reached the table, looked into the light and saw it was a parchment, lit up by magic. She picked it up, an the light faded from the paper.” I think you used to word and versions of the word “light” a few too many times.

“Clementine felt nauseas...” -- nauseous

“Sirius wobbled his head back and forth...” -- Kinda makes me imagine that he’s light-headed instead of just shaking his head.

“Clementine frantically looked around the room, opening cupboards and staring out windows. Everyone looked at her perplexedly. Severus looked at Sirius...” -- Looked, looked, looked...something different?

That's all for that.

Plot: It's definitely thickening and I like it! I have to admit, I was growing a little tired of the story only being about Sirius and Clementine and nothing else. But this is a breath of fresh air! Who is this thing stalking her and leaving the notes? Why does he smell like earth? My guess is he's the vampire that bit her.

Characters: I thought the bit where Severus was bitter about Clem hanging out with the Marauders was very reasonable. She had just stopped talking to all of them for a few days, including Severus. Though it wasn't entirely her fault.

Flow: Seemed fine enough! The only bit that seemed rushed was when she suddenly starting tearing the room apart. I don't know how to connect it better, but you may want to take a look at it?

Well, I suppose that's it. I hope these reviews were helpful! I can say that I think this last chapter was much better than the first bit of this story. It had more development, a thicker plot, and just better writing overall.

Magically Yours,

Dem

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Review #6, by DemetersChild Hot Mess

24th July 2010:
Alright! Well here begins my more in depth reviews, since you requested for chapters 10 and 11. We'll start with grammar, as per usual:

"...and they were off to the change rooms" -- changing rooms. I noticed you had this later as well, and I'm not sure if it's just a British thing or actually a mistake? Either way, wanted to point it out just to be safe. ^^

"...more comfortable, however. She did, however, hope that they..." -- Replace one of the however’s. Too close together.

"It was as if everything went into slow motion. She slowly looked up..." -- Slow, slowly. Change one.

"...Quidditch or other sport..." -- Any other sport

Not too much of that in this chapter. ^^

Plot: As you said, this chapter is much shorter than the others. There isn't a ton going on, but I thought the prank was a bit of comic relief with all the drama going on. I am very curious about this note though, and why it wasn't mentioned at all. Did she just forget about it? Also, it was weird that Sirius and Clem were being so open about their relationship when they were trying so hard to hide it.

Characters: I think everyone is pretty much in character. Sirius is definitely more grown up, but that makes sense. The only thing I have a complaint about is your portrayal of Peter. I -hate- it when fics make a point of saying he doesn't belong with the group, etc. Because he's in the group, so he does belong. He just as much a part of them as any of the others. Though, you did mention that there had to be something special about him for him to be in the group, so it wasn't as bad in this fic as I have seen it in others.

Flow: It seemed to flow together pretty well. No complaints there.

Well, I guess that's it for this chapter! On to the next!

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Review #7, by DemetersChild The Beginning

24th July 2010:
Another cliffhanger!

One thing that really stuck out to me is that before the flashblack you say that its seven o'clock and that she's watching the sunrise. Then, after the flashback you say she spends the rest of the night doing homework and then a few paragraphs down that it's seven o'clock and the night is over. So...I'm confused and though I should point that out.

Other than that, it was nice to be able to see into her past. I

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Review #8, by DemetersChild In Flagrante Delicto

24th July 2010:
Ahh! I love your cliffhanger! Though, I'm fairly certain the RoR isn't on the Marauder's Map. Perhaps he saw them disappear into the wall? At any rate, now I want to go read the next chapter!

So that's exactly what I'm going to do! Sorry for the short review!

-Dem-

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Review #9, by DemetersChild WARNING: Best Friend May Include Loyalty Issues

24th July 2010:
Narcissa told Dumbledore. You know, I would have expected him to know about it anyway. It's a little weird that he would cancel morning classes just to talk to her, though. And that they didn't have anyone patrolling the halls?

So Clem gets her own room, then? How are they supposed to fix her being in the same classes with everyone else? Or are they just ignoring that. Because there's obviously other times for her to attack people than just at night and in the morning in the common room/dorms.

You make a lot of outside references that I don't think they would actually know about. Except Muggleborns. Like...I doubt they would have seen Rocky, but who knows. Maybe they would. But I don't think it'd be really well known anyway.

At any rate, next chapter!

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Review #10, by DemetersChild Baby Steps

24th July 2010:
Remus and Narcissa back in the mix! And what this with Cordelia? A problem, indeed.

That bit with James and Lily was certainly entertaining.

Though I didn't feel like much happened in this chapter. They kissed and set up a meeting. Huh...don't really know what to think. I guess we'll just go onto the next chapter!

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Review #11, by DemetersChild Siriuntine

24th July 2010:
A private meeting, eh? Very nice.

I still don't really see how they suddenly both like each other, etc. Reminds me an awful lot of immature high school relationships. Which...I suppose they are high school age and it could be exactly that. I tend to enjoy the more serious relationships though.

I wish I didn't have to say this, but I really can't avoid it. Some vampires having special powers is really similar to Twilight as well. >.< Because Edward can read minds, Alice see the future, Jasper change people's moods... I know it's gotta be hard to write a vampire story without being like Twilight and unfortunately, until the vampire craze dies down, it's going to be impossible fr you to write this story without being compared to Twilight.

Ahh well, just keep trying your best. ^^

Next!

-Dem-

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Review #12, by DemetersChild Confessions of a Teenage Vampire

24th July 2010:
So now Narcissa knows, hmm? And she's scared as hell.

A few questions though. Why didn't Clementine just try to make something up instead of telling her she's a vampire? And since when were they best mates? It wasn't really ever mentioned before the last chapter and it really just seemed like Clementine put up with her because she had to.

I think readers would feel more pity for Clementine and Narcissa in this chapter if we were shown more of their relationship before. Because as it is right now, I had no idea they were so close.

Also, you seem to overdo the whole, "If Clementine wasn't a vampire and could blush, breathe, sweat, etc...she would totally be doing that." There's gotta be a better way to describe those scenes. Like... "Clementine felt the burning rush of blood in her cheeks though she knew they remained pale."

And what stuff can she do/not do? If she can't blush and doesn't need to breathe and can't sweat, then how can she cry?

Well, I suppose that's it for this chapter! On to the next!

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Review #13, by DemetersChild Pudding

24th July 2010:
Okay, so I was going to just review the plot until the last two chapters, but I forgot about that. Lucky you, you get a more in depth review this time!

First for grammar/syntax/etc:

"The girls set off down said corridor." -- I really don’t like this sentence for some reason. I think it would flow better if you just connected it with the next sentence: "The girls set off down a long, wide hallway; a few closed doors decorated the wall to their right however, the wall left of them was covered in paintings of food."

"...from around a stony wall." -- Should be "the stony wall", methinks. Since it’s a hallway and there’s very few stony walls to choose from.

"Remus and Narcissa staring at each other sheepishly; Clementine and Sirius staring at each other with such intensity that Clementine had to fight not to look away." -- Three things. Since this is it’s own sentence, each phrase has to be an independent clause, meaning it can stand on it’s own. Neither of these can because of the tense. To fix this, simply add "were" before "staring" or change it to "stared".

Second thing, why are Remus and Narcissa looking at each other sheepishly? O.o

Third, I’d just replace one of the starings all together since it’s odd to repeat it in the same sentence.

"...no, she felt magpies fluttering around in her stomach." -- I don’t think magpies is the creature you were looking for. Those are birds. Maybe maggots? And then I would use crawling instead of fluttering. Or squirming.

"...seeming to deliberate what Clementine had asked him." -- You used deliberation in the last paragraph and it’s a rather strong word to use so closely together.

"He stayed quiet again for a long while, his face finally turning into a beautiful grin. Clementine took a deep intake of breath. He was so beautiful." -- Beautiful, beautiful. Use another word.

"If she could blush, her cheeks would be scarlet right now." -- "If she could blush, her cheeks would have been scarlet right then." to stay with the tense.

"Clementine half-shouted, so shocked at his question." -- Aren’t they out in the hallway? O.o

"It was a thunder shower." -- Thunderstorm, sun shower, rain shower/storm.

"Bite you, I mean." -- Bit

Plot: Hmm, so Sirius and Clem really start their relationship and kiss in the same chapter? I'm not sure how plausible all of this is. I mean, he just found out she was a vampire. She just admitted it to him. They just had a real conversation for the first time. They hardly know each other and as far as I can see, neither of them has a reason to really like the other besides pure physical attraction. I know Sirius said there was more than that, but Clem just seems to be attracted to him physically, and by nothing else. It just doesn't really make sense. >.<

I did think it was interesting that they met by the kitchens. And what's all this going on with Narcissa and Remus? O.o

Characters: I don't really know what to say about them. Clem seems to be in character, but she's OC so that's pretty easy to do. Sirius seems off from the usual portrayal of him, but not too far off. I'm just not understanding his sudden kindness toward Clem. (Btw, I hope you don't mind that I'm abbreviating her name, it's just easier that way).

Remus seems to be in character, quiet, smart, etc. Narcissa was a bit off, but we don't know much about how she was when she was younger anyway. I guess I'm just still stuck on the Narcissa/Remus thing. Other than that, she seemed fine.

Flow: I suppose it flowed together alright. It was a little bit jumpy from the girls going down to the kitchens to Sirius and Clem leaving. Just a lot of confusion, I think.

Hmm, well I suppose that's all for this chapter. Next chapter will be back to mostly plot reviews. ^^

-Dem-

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Review #14, by Abhorsen All My Troubles on a Burning Pile

14th July 2010:
Alright, so is Cordelia behind this whole stalker note thing or is that just a red herring? Because it seems to me that you're setting the whole thing up in order to point us in the right direction or throw us way off track.

I know that Severus is going through a lot, but I thought he seemed a little OOC in the opening scene. I guess it could be the tweak of his character given that he has a sibling in this story, though.

I'm concerned about the Marauders especially. Maybe it was because of the drama with Cordelia, but I didn't really get a Marauder type feel off of them. JKR describes them as a lot like Fred and George - but there wasn't much of the lightness.

Also, are the dodo type birds your creation? Because it's a fantastic idea.

Pretty good chapter. 8/10

Author's Response: Hmm! I'm not giving anything away about the notes ;) But in the next chapter it will be revealed!

Hmm, about Severus. Maybe I'll go back and tweak that part. I don't want him to seem OOC at all. Same goes for the Marauders. Perhaps I'll add more jokes. Thanks for pointing that out.

The dodo type birds are not my creation, unfortunately. They are just a mythical creature, not widely known however. I just wanted something fun and light in this chapter because the next one is going to be a bit darker.
Thanks for coming by and reviewing again :)


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Review #15, by Myriad All My Troubles on a Burning Pile

10th July 2010:
Hello! Sorry for the delay in reviewing. For some reason I’ve stopped getting emails when someone posts on the thread.

I love the part where Severus stops Clem mid-sentence as she’s talking about Sirius’ smell. So true to life, he’s such a protective older brother.

These notes are getting me nervous. How is this person/thing whatever it is, getting around so quickly? How is it avoiding being seen? Is it a ghost? I’m gonna be disappointed if it ends up being Peeves playing tricks lol.

“Her mouth sort of opened and closed again while she was thinking of something to say.” In this section here I would lose the ‘sort of’. Opening and closing your mouth isn’t really something you can sort of do. Either she did or she didn’t. It also messes with the flow a little bit. Not too much, but enough that you notice.

I really like this chapter. I like Cordelia. She doesn’t strike me as the lay down and let Clem steal her man type and I like that aspect of her. She’s a very strong character, and you’ve done a good job fleshing out her personality.

Lily still seems a little flat to me. If she’s going to be recurring a lot, you should try to round her out.

Overall this is really interesting. You’re doing an excellent job with it!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for coming back, and no need for apologies! :)

Yes, the notes! No, it's not Peeves, although that would be a humorous twist. We will probably see within the next couple chapters who it is!

I'll lose the sort of for sure. I just read it again and you're completely right.

I'm glad you like Cordelia. It's hard to write her because I want people to Clementine more, but she's one of my favourites :)

About Lily. Yes, she is a bit flat in this one. I'm trying to make it so she is normal, not angry all the time. In most fics I've read (including this one somewhat!) Lily tends to just be an angry ginger all the time. I'm hoping to not be too cliche about that, but perhaps I'll add a nice Lily scene in the next chapter!

Thanks so much for wonderful review, I love them all and love the advice. I'll request once again when there's a new chapter! :)


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Review #16, by DemetersChild Investigations and Instigations

9th July 2010:
Is Cordelia a reference to Buffy the Vampire Slayer? :DDD

So Remus has caught on to Sirius's little obsession with Clementine! Interesting.

And James is still an idiot, I see. I thought it was hilarious that you made him fall on his face in front of Lily instead of being suave and collected. Very nice.

That was weird that Clementine said that Sirius had nothing to apologize for after he'd just really humiliated her brother. Guess she was nervous. :P

Good chapter. :D

-Dem-

Author's Response: Ah, Cordelia. Her name is a reference to Buffy, yes, but her personality isn't ;). Buffy is, by the way, the best show EVER.

Yes, James is a blubbering idiot at this point, but perhaps soon that will change!

Yes, well, Clementine is a crazy-in-love school girl ;) I think any thoughts of Severus go flying out the window when she's around Sirius!

Glad you liked it :)


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Review #17, by DemetersChild Bullies and the Beast

8th July 2010:
Hmm, very interesting.

I do have to say that I immediately connected your description of vampires with Twilight (red/gold eyes, certain humans having irresistible scent, seduction without trying, Sirius deciding to research her) but of course, these could belong to any vampire novel. Unfortunately, Twilight has tainted the vampire genre so it's the first thing most people think of.

At any rate, I'll ignore all the similarities, since you told me to. ^^

I always thought Snape should have a sister! And I like their relationship. It's really cute that Snape cares about her like that.

I do wonder what's going on with her weird attraction to Sirius. Does this ever come up or is it just one of those things that's never explained?

I thought it was interesting that you wrote from the 3rd person unlimited POV where we could see into everyone's thoughts, etc. It was a little bit confusing at first, but I got the hang of it. :D

Seems like it's going to be quite the story!

-Dem-

P.S. Sorry it's taken me so long to get to your story! But I just don't feel right reviewing your last two chapters without reading the rest of the story first. I intend to read and review every chapter, but the last two will be especially in-depth. The others will likely be comments on the plot.

So, on to the next chapter, I suppose. :D

Author's Response: Yes and I've even edited this chapter to make it less Twilight-ie! I thought I took everything with the gold eyes out? Well I'll have to go back and take a look :)

I'm SO glad you like the twins' relationship. I'm always worried that people are going to think it's weird. It's quite difficult to have Snape care deeply and have affection for someone but at the same time be a loner and very distant!

The attraction to Sirius does come up in future chapters. I've sort of vaguely referenced it thus far but it will play a bigger roll in later chapters :)

Anyway, I'm glad you're liking it, and thanks so much for reviewing. No need to apologize, that's wonderful that you wanted to read the whole thing, and I'm really looking forward to reading more of your reviews!!! :D


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Review #18, by Jenny All My Troubles on a Burning Pile

8th July 2010:
I liked it. I love the whole mystery of it with all the creepy notes that are being left for her. Don't get me wrong, I still hate that they are leaving them for Clementine because that is cruel. It just makes a very interesting story. I'm really excited about it. I can't wait to find out who the creeper is. I have been thinking about who it could be, but I'm completely stumped. I love it! Update soon! :)

Author's Response: Thanks, Jenny! I'm getting quite excited to reveal who it is that's giving her the notes! Anyway, thanks for reviewing so much, and I'm glad you love it! :D

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Review #19, by EastEden For Reasons Unknown

1st July 2010:
Hi, this is EastEden with your review.

Since you said you were more worried about your latest chapters, I'll address them more in this review. Really, I think you've nothing to worry about. The latest chapters only differ from the rest in their length. Other than that you'd never guessed that you took a break away from writing. Grammar and spelling seem perfect to my eyes. And flow and pace is excellant, I don't feel as if you've rushed or were too slow in writing this fic at all. So to sum it all up: please keep on adding chapters to this!

Another thing I really like about 'Bloodlust' is the mystery and suspense in it. I have to admit when I first began reading this I thought it would only be about the romance between Clem and Sirius. However, you've brought other sub-plots to this fic. In particular the mysterious notes that Clem is getting. But this is a testament to your writing: you don't have to focus on one thing only in the fic. And this makes the fic more enjoyable to read because not only am I wondering how Sirius/Clem's relationship will fare, but what are those notes all about?

I'm a quite forgetful person, so I know I'll forget to keep on checking if my favourite fics have been updated, so could you please send me a PM on the forums when the next chapter comes out? That way I'll definitely keep updated ^_^

Author's Response: Aw you've just made my day!! ^_^ It's so good to hear that my writing hasn't plummeted! I was so worried it was all going downhill.

Yes, I really didn't want this story to only be about Clem and Sirius. That would make it utterly one-dimensional and even I would get bored writing it. And when the notes start coming, shenanigans happen!

Thanks again for reviewing so much, every one was helpful and always made me smile. The next chapter's actually in the queue as we speak, and I'll make sure to PM you! Thanks for even suggesting that! :D

BusinessJournal


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Review #20, by EastEden Hot Mess

30th June 2010:
Hi, this is EastEden from the forums with your review!

I was surprised by reading your A/N that this chapter was written a year and a half after the previous chapter. It seems to flow with the other chapters as though it was written just a few days after the others. The chapter may be shorter than normal, but is still not terribly short.

Another thing I liked about this chapter was the development in Clem's character. It was interesting to read about her sitting at the Gryffindor Table rather than the Slytherin. And it will be even more interesting to read how the Slytherins continue to react to Clem being friends with the Gryffindors. Especially Severus Snape. I can't wait to read what he'll say to his sister! (assuming, of course, if that is what you decide to write ^_^)

Author's Response: Oh another wonderful review :D

Thanks SO much for saying that about this chapter. I'm really not too keen on this one but seeing what a couple people have reviewed about it has sort of changed my mind. I think in my mind I'm just really self-conscious of it because I hadn't written in a long time.

Ohh there will be plenty of Severus and Clem fighting action! In fact it's in the next chapter ;) Thanks again SO much for reviewing all these chapters, there very useful and always great to read!! I'll have to re-request when there's another chapter! :D


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Review #21, by EastEden The Beginning

30th June 2010:
Hey, this is EastEden from the forums with your review :)

Ooh, flashbacks! I LOVE flashbacks. I don't know why, I just do. So I really enjoyed reading Clem's flashback when she was a newly made vampire. I hope there'll be new flashbacks to come, especially as I'm curious as to why Clem was made a vampire. Will we learn more about that later? Anyway, the flashback was written well, and kept in pace with the rest of the chapter. The flashback didn't come out of nowhere, if you know what I mean, it fitted into the chapter.

The cliffhanger from the last chapter was well done. And James reaction kept to his character, as I see James rarely getting VERY angry with Sirius since they were best-friends. And I liked how Peter knew too. And I really want to add, that I really liked your characterisation of Peter. I know his appearance in the chapter was brief, but I still liked the way you wrote him. Unlike what I usually read, you didn't make him all meek and passive, or even worse, ignore him altogether. You gave him his own personality by giving him the ability to eavesdrop on Sirius and insult Lily. That might not make him a pleasant character, but it's definitely better than ignoring him.

Right, I'll now read on to the next chapter. Hopefully I'll leave you another review in the next chapter later on today.

Author's Response: Oh thank you! ^_^

Yes I couldn't decide if I liked the flashback or not, but hearing that it's enjoyable to read makes a huge difference :) Yes, you'll definitely find out more about why Clementine was bitten, in a few upcoming chapters! I'm not totally sure it will be in the form of flashback, but yes, there will be lots more information about that.

I'm really glad you liked Peter! It's difficult to write Peter, we have a very small basis on which to write him because JK didn't exactly give us a lot of him in the Marauder years. I figured there had to be some reason as to why these three boys would hang around him. It apparently wasn't his good looks so it had to be his personality!

Thanks so much for this review! :D You never fail to make my day!


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Review #22, by myriad For Reasons Unknown

29th June 2010:
Excellent opening line! So ominous! I have a feeling that the vampire that bit her is going to make an appearance. The notes are creepy! Oh, you’re doing an excellent job!

This was another really great chapter! I wish I had some crit to give you but there’s just not really any.

As far as your areas of concern: your last couple chapters are much stronger than previous chapters. I don’t know how long you took off from this, but you’ve matured as a writer since then. I also have no idea which chapter you left off at during your hiatus, but it seems to me that chapter’s 9-10 have much more direction the other chapters, there’s a more complex conflict, and the story really just kind of goes from being fairly interesting to downright captivating. I so badly want to know what happens now!

Excellently done!

Author's Response: Why thank you!! Ohh you may be right and you may be wrong! XD

I'm really glad you liked this chapter, I was honestly a bit worried about it. Yes between the 9th and 10th chapters was my year and a half hiatus. Thank you so much for saying that my writing has matured. I'm also so thankful that you came and reviewed every single chapter of this, it really meant a lot, and every single review was so helpful and honest which is just what I need.

Well, I'll have to come back and re-request when there's a new chapter! Once again, thank you for these reviews, they really helped a lot :)


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Review #23, by myriad Hot Mess

29th June 2010:
Lol I love how at the end of the last chapter James sounds all somber and serious and you’re left thinking someone’s died or something, but then it turns out to be about a prank. Typical Marauers.

“After the first two minutes of the looks she began to feel more comfortable, however. She did, however, hope that they didn’t run into Severus on their way.” Right here you have used the word ‘however’ in too close of a proximity to each other. It makes for awkward and sticky reading.

The talk between Clem and Sirius about Clem not standing up for herself was really well done. You’ve really done an excellent job of showing Sirius’ feeling rather than telling them. Its one thing to just say point blank that Sirius cares a lot for Clem, but telling the reader this by actions rather than words, you give the story so much more power and resonance.

“She grinned as breakfast time came to a conclusion…” This sentence reads funny with the word conclusion. How about just using ‘close’ instead?

This chapter was not as strong as your last one, some of it just seemed to be filler, but it was still good.

Author's Response: Yes, this chapter was definitely a filler. This was the first chapter I wrote after about a year and a half of a hiatus. It's really not my favourite, I think they most definitely could have come up with a better prank!

Glad you liked the little part with Regulus and they're conversation after. I thought that was essential to show how much Sirius really did care Clementine's well-being, and I'm so glad you caught onto that :)

Once again, you're completely right that this wasn't as strong. Thanks so much for this excellent review though :)


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Review #24, by myriad The Beginning

29th June 2010:
I think perhaps James got over the whole Sirius/Clem thing a little too quickly. One minute he was fuming the next he was suddenly okay with it you know what I mean? I think you should add a bit more anger in there.

“James laughed. ‘Cordelia-ish? I’m not sure I’m picking up what you’re putting down.’ This is another one of those places that just doesn’t fit. Like homeboy a few chapters ago. The last part, it just reads awkwardly. I would suggest changing that.

Has the rest of the school found out about Clem? You should make that more clear. Maybe mention something off hand in the dialogue stating whether they have or not.

This is a very intriguing chapter. I really like the mystery of the note and I’m extremely interested in where you’re going to go with this. I have to say that so far this is your strongest chapter. Excellent job!

Author's Response: Really? I suppose you're right. I reckon James is such a loyal person and he expects that from everyone else, especially Sirius. I can see where you're coming from with that for sure.

Once again, I'll take out the weird wording. I fully concur that these don't fit in.

No, the school has not found out about Clementine yet. I'll definitely add something in there.

The note! Oh it's a surprise, and there will be more and more of them ;)


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Review #25, by myriad In Flagrante Delicto

29th June 2010:
Uh oh. I take it Sirius wasn’t supposed to be in the room of requirement with Clem? Poor Sirius, but James has got to understand. He’s in like with her!

I like that you’ve started to talk about Voldemort however, the mood and tone of the story don’t really match the subject. Voldemorts supposed to be scary, things are too carefree right now. I think they just don’t sound concerned enough is the problem. They sort of skate over the topic and let it drop.

I also really like how you portrayed Clem’s sadness at the beginning at being alone. Your first few lines were excellent.

I’m sorry I don’t have too much more to say about this one. It was really good.

Author's Response: Yes, the Voldemort topic gets brought up more and more. The war is just beginning but by around the middle of their year it will be in full effect :)

Thanks a million for coming back and reviewing everything! :D


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