i dont like this story as much as
the first chap was great
the second kinda
i dont really like draco
though for writing style and imager and descritio
p Report Review
OMG OMG OMG I can literally knock my head against the wall right now. That last sentence--WHOA! WHOA WHOA!! What a agonizingly great way to end a chapter! I don't know what to say so I'll just disappear now. Great job with the descriptions and Aless and Draco really click don't they? *nudge* *wink*
Update soon!Author's Response: Hey, Brya, I'm so sorry for the uber late reply! I so glad you enjoy this chapter! And I'm always happy to see your penname in my reviews section. ^_^ Haha, yes they do click very well. *winks back* *nudges back* :)
I hope you've been well during the time I'd been gone. Thank you so much for the review! *hugs*
And don't knock your head on the wall, how are you supposed to read the next chapter if you're in a coma? XD Report Review
Huh...you outdid yourself with this story. Though there's not much Draco in this chapter. *is frustrated* But there was some Blaise :))
Great job wti hthe characterisation of your characters. I will be reading the next part of the story now. 10/10! Report Review
I loved this chapter.. Aless ( fab name, btw ) seems so be a bit insecure in herself, I think it gives everything more depth. =D Or is that just me..? Am I right in thinking that girl that huffed and glowerd was Pansy? And was the guy Blaise?
Draco rocks. That's the only thing to say about him. I'm sure you agree. xD
So Aless is in Slytherin but doesn't really want to be? Interesting..
And O.M.G. That... *swears* is coming after her?! Why?! I hate that woman.. It is Bellatrix right? Otherwise I just made a complete spectacle of meself.. :p
Love this chapter, can't wait for more!
Marauders_xx xxAuthor's Response: NJ!! *waves back* HELLO!!
I'm so glad that you liked this chapter! I was afraid I was going too out of canon with the whole Draco-being-nice scenario. But I'm glad you liked it. And you're right about Pansy and Blaise. :D
Of course, Draco rocks. *lol* And thanks for the compliment on the name Aless. I was thinking about how a lot of people tend to call their OC characters Alex or Alexandra or Alexis or something along those lines. I had a friend named Alessandra and her nickname was Alice so I decided to name my character after her (but it's spelt differently XD).
Yes, she's put in Slytherin but she doesn't want to be. I wanted this story to be a little predictable and I honestly couldn't resist putting her in Slytherin. ;P
And yes, that ... is coming after her *grumbles* Bellatrix is after her since she dropped from being Voldemort's most loyal and useful follower to someone that has failed like a weakling. Bellatrix didn't catch Aless and she wants revenge because the girl made her lose all her dignity and pride--and of course, she lost the favour of the Dark Lord.
You didn't make a spectacle of yourself! I tend to make a spectacle of MYSELF when I read your story. :))
I'm glad you enjoyed it and thanks for everything! I will be talking to you very soon.
Daisy Report Review
Hi silver_and_gold, this is Lia from the forums, you requested a review from me.
I decided to read both chapters then leave an overall review here, if you don't mind. I found your opening chapter very interesting with the Death Eater attack. I'm guessing it was Lucius who saw her hiding in the secret passage. I'm wondering what ties he had to Aless' parents because of his pained expression but I think that bit of dialogue with him sounded forced and a bit weird.
You mentioned that Draco was going to be out of character in this chapter and he really was but to be fair, he's not one of the easiest characters to write and we only see him from Harry's point of view. I figure the only reason he's being nice is because his father told him to watch out for her. Bellatrix, however, was written well...frighteningly well actually. The descriptions in the dream were good!
Your last line was surprising, I didn't expect her to know that Bellatrix was his aunt. This could probably cause some conflict.
Is this an alternate to 5th year or just the 5th year in someone else's eyes?
You've made a pretty good start as far as I can see, keep it up :)
Lia. Report Review
Hey, Realize from the forum here to review.
I felt that the beginning of this chapter didnít really draw me in as much as the other one had. I just kind of read it, and didnít really feel anything of picture were the character was. I think that this is her first year at Hogwarts, so maybe it would have been a good idea to have put what she thought of the school, and what it looked like through her eyes, because everyone has a different reaction or acceptance of a place. I had to say that I loved the description of the torches that was a nice touch and it brought the darkness and mystery of why something so bright was in a place so dark and eerie.
I think that we should have had more information on her thoughts about Professor McGonagall. I would have liked an outsiderís view. You did a good job for the most part on Professor McGonagall, but I see him saying things like ďof course my dear, that is the way we do it hereĒ. Her intelligence is far beyond many, and that has taught her to be courteous to others so she would show respect even to one that was below her in age. I thought that it was just a little clichť that she was forced to be in Slytherin, and that the first person that she meets is Draco Malfoy, the one who has to keep an eye on her. Draco was really out of character in this chapter, he was excessively friendly, and I would have liked to see him maybe just observe the girl, before launching into attack mode.
There is a lot that you can improve on in this chapter. Draco is way out of character and that bothers me a lot, he is just to friendly, and if someone was that friendly to me when I just arrived I would question their sanity, everyone judges before they ever talk to the person it is just the way that we are. I liked how she knew that she couldnít trust Draco, but I have a feeling that in the end Draco is going to fall for her and not let harm come to her, and they are going to end up together. I think that this story is becoming predictable. Overall this needs work. 6/10 Report Review
Hey, this is realize from the forum here to review.
I really liked the beginning, there was so much description, and it really helped to set the mood of the story. I think that right from the beginning you had your readers hooked. I loved the flashback it was well written and I felt like I was there. I am wondering if you have seen the movie Prom night, because this reminds me of that movie, the girl watches her mother being murdered, however, the only difference is that her dad is already dead and so is her brother. Anyway, the story really made me sit on the edge of my seat as I read each line. I am curious to find out why the woman was looking for her. It will be interesting to see what happens, but I do feel bad for her, having to watch her parents get murdered would be really tough.
Thank you so much for not making Pansy all girly, so many people do that and it gets really old really quick. I think however that more description of Draco, Blaise and Pansy, because all we know is really their hair color which doesnít say a lot. I liked the flashback that Draco had with his parents, he is a great character to read about and even more fun to write, because of his many personalities. I think that there are a lot of unanswered questions about Draco and that girl, but I hope that they get answered soon.
I think that you ended the chapter at a rather boring spot, and since all we had in this chapter were a few flashbacks, and a small conversation that many people who read this would not want to continue onto the next chapter. However, if you added more description and maybe some sense of mystery it would help the outcome of how many people read the next chapter. Overall, this wasnít too bad, but it wasnít the best thing that I have read, there is room for improvement. 7/10 Report Review
There was an update and you didn't tell me?! Daisy!
This is gorgeous and you didn't tell me you updated!! I can't believe this.
The ending to this chapter is one of those not in your face type cliffies. Oh, this is torture. First you don't tell me that you updated and then you leave off with a cliffie!! NOO!! What's happening to the world?! ^_^
THis chapter was absolutely gorgeous. Your analogies were really clear and everything about your sentence structure and dialogue is practically flawless here. You created a really strong image in my mind when I read the part where Aless had a vision. That was very well described and the mood created was just right. Great job, hun!
Wanting you to update soon,
Heather :)) Report Review
UPDATE SOON!! NOOW!!
that ending line left me wanting more. i can't wait for the update. def 10/10.Author's Response: The ending line left you wanting more? Wow, when I wrote this chapter I had no idea that the ending was a mini-cliffie.
I'll try to update soon. The next chapter is almost finished so look out for the update! Thanks for the rating and review. :)) Report Review
omg, i loved the ending to that! draco's bellatrix's nephew and you've used their relationship to add a twist to the plot! loved it.
don't forget to update soon! 10/10!
x missyAuthor's Response: Hehe, thanks again. And I definitely won't forget to update soon. The next chapter is almost finished. I hope you enjoy the rest of the story as much as you've enjoyed this chapter! Thank you for the rating and you're wonderful reviews. Report Review
aw. this is a really good beginning. i'm going to read more. 10/10!Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :) Report Review
Back again. An interesting start to your character's introduction at Hogwarts. Was she sorted? That seemed odd to me, but it still worked. Fabulous how you had the reference to Fleur, helps the reader to relate to your character from what they already know.
I don't think that your Draco was too far off canon. We never really did see too much depth in him, except that he was Harry's rival. So a little creative license isn't a bad thing :)
You have created quite the plot - with ole Bellatrix in the mix. And you have raised many questions for the reader such as why does Voldemort want her? Is she a seer to see that Bella will be after her? Why did she faint? Those types of things really drive the plot, which is very good. I have a feeling there will be lots of twists and turns, and that this will make for an excellent story.
Smiles~Leent Report Review
Hello...here as requested.
That was a mighty intense beginning to this chapter. I found myself biting my own lip in anticipation, fortunately not drawing blood as your character did! Great way to start, and the description of Bellatrix was compelling - "wild black hair flew behind her and from a distance it looked like dark flames".
"The corridor smelled like newly polished shoes and different types of perfume..." - Lovely! Your use of adjectives in description really lend a mysterious tone to your story. They paint a picture perfectly of what you want the reader to experience. Well done!
The point of view changes at first threw me, most especially at the end. But I like changes like those, so keep working with it. Great chapter and on to the next!
Smiles~Leent Report Review
Hiya! Here to review!
Rachm34 from the forums.
Wow, is the first thing I shall say first. What a captivating story! It draws you right in and that is unbelievable.
I didnít spot any errors or anything so thatís excellent.
I love your descriptions in your writing.
Your story is very clear, well
So I really love your writing. I think itís really well done.
I can see so much imagery that is absolutely dancing in this story. Itís absolutely amazing.
I found nothing to critique.
I really love the plot and idea you have so far.
Sorry about my short review. Request if you want me to review the next chapter o rmore Report Review
Hello silver_and_gold! This is LittleBookworm from the forums. You requested a review from me so here I am. :P
First of all, I would like to let you know that these first two chapters managed to really grab my attention and hold it until the end of chapter two. What I liked the most about this is not the general plot, because I have read many stories containing the very same plot, but the character. Alessa is a wonderful OC and I'm looking forward to reading more about her journey through Hogwarts. I was pleasantely surprised to see that she is only fifteen because, nowadays, authors tend to create much older OC's (sixteen, seventeen year old). Alessa is a very relateable character and that makes the story realistic, even if the plot is far from it. I was honestly expecting to see the same old 'Mary Sue goes to Hogwarts, the Dark Lord wants her because she is such a special cookie and she ends up helping Harry defeat him and marrying a very out-of-character Draco'. Luckily for you and me both, I was pleasantely surprised and definately plan on keeping an eye out for this story.
There weren't any obvious spelling or grammer mistakes. At least, there wasn't anything that stood out. Other than that, I love your description and your dialogue is short and directly to the point, just as it should be. :)
All in all, I enjoyed reading this and can't wait to see what happens next.
-LadyBookworm Report Review
BusinessJournal here again :)
OOhh... nicely written again :) This isn't the type of story I read very often, but it is starting off well in originality and you have great description. I thought your McGonagall in this chappie was spot-on; bossy and terse as always. It was a nice touch that Aless didn't want to be housed in Slytherin. It should be interesting to read whether she changes her mind or not. It was also very clever of you to inadvertantly throw Umbridge in there! Ah yes, I caught that ;) Anyway, overall nicely written so far :)
I just found one little spelling mistake:
"Draco tiled his head slightly to one side..."
"tiled" should be "tilted", perhaps? :)
BusinessJournalAuthor's Response: I've corrected the spelling the mistake and the edited chapter is waiting for validation. Thank you so much for pointing that out for me!
I've always thought Umbridge was a clever character and I just couldn't resist putting one of her lines in there. :)) I'm glad you caught that! I wanted my OC to be different from the OCs that people write about. When I started this story, I was planning to make this all about teen drama but as the plot slowly began to become clearer in my head, I decided to not base it around teen drama. And McGonagall--what can I say about her? She's definitely a really good creation and JK Rowling is a genius. Thanks for your kind words about this story. THANK YOU! *tackle hugs*
Thanks for taking the time to read and review!
(P.S. Sorry for the extremely late response.) Report Review
Hello! BusinessJournal here with your review from the forums :)
So this was a nice set-up. Lottts of info for one chappie, but still nicely written. I'm very intrigued by the Death Eater who saw whoever was hiding! (Who was that, by the way? Who was hiding? I was a tad confused by that). But yes, I'm wondering who that Death Eater was, and why he didn't rat her out! You have some nice descriptions in there, and I couldn't find any spelling mistakes in that one! I'm looking forward to reading about the girl who is transferring to Hogwarts, (I'm guessing the girl who was hiding and the girl transferring are one in the same?) Anywho, again it was nicely written :)
BusinessJournalAuthor's Response: BusinessJournal! Hello, there! Thank you so much for finding the time to read and review. :))
Well, that Deatheater that was hiding was...*drumroll*...someone who will be revealed later on in the story. XD
I'm glad that you think that I had nice descriptions and no spelling mistakes. WOW. You're review has left me breathless. Thank you so much for reviewing, BusinessJournal! Report Review
that was pretty good ... though i wish you could fast forward it - till the love part ^-^
the last line of the first chapter was awesome , I can't wait for the nxt one ~~~Author's Response: Hehe, I wish I could fastforward to the love part as well. But then again, love takes time so I guess we'll have to go with the slow flow of things.
I'm glad you thought that the last line was awesome. *hugs* I hope you keep reading! Thanks for the review! Report Review
this story was awesum!
entering is cool so dont diss it
i like both of ur stories
and hurry up to write ur second chapter for BOTH ok?Author's Response: Hello, maisie! i'm glad that you like my stories, it makes me very happy :)
yes, yes, entering is cool and i won't diss it (did i ever?).
i will try and edit my chapters as soon as possible and then post them.
thanx for the review!
(hehe i watched you type this..) Report Review
interesting beginning. update soon!Author's Response: i'm glad you think so. will do! Report Review
your writing is very captivating.
i'm not usually a big fan of draco/OC stories but this made a difference!
i felt her pain when she had those flashbacks. this is a good start. great job!
=DAuthor's Response: hehe, thank you so much for giving me such a sweet review Heather (once again) yay! i made a difference!
i tend to start off with falshbacks..i dont know why but i hope it doesn't bore you out. i'm glad that you think this is a good start and that the mood that i tried to create got through to you.
thanks again! Report Review
i feel so sorry for her, she had to watch her parents die right before her eyes! That was cruel! The description was elaborate and you allowed the readers to imagine what they would think of the situation. Loved it! 10/10!
Keep writing.Author's Response: aaw, yes i feel sorry for her too. i wouldn't be as strong as her if i lost my parents (or had to watch them get killed). i know that was a bit cruel of me to write that but it links with the rest of the story once it's updated. thank you for saying that my description's elaborate, it means a lot to me =D
thanks for the encouraging review!
xx Report Review
wooowww! OMG ITS GOOD!!
lol im serious! - i cant believe i didnt notice this story when i was looking through draco/oc stories :S
xxAuthor's Response: hello charmian! i'm glad you liked it and I hope you like the rest of the story, though it might take a while with all the work and tests we have going on.
ahaha nice story daisy - havent read it yet (i will later on cause it seems good) but i will comment anyways . lol you thought you could hide your stories from me :)
and omg you used mirander kerr as your girl
love you always
charmAuthor's Response: yeah i used miranda kerr. i couldn't think of anyone else with dark brown hair and blue eyes (apart from Alexis Bledel and i didn't wanna use her)
you cheeky lil girl. think your so pro =D
I believe this is the start of a very good story. I liked the introduction very well. good job!Author's Response: thanks! stay tuned. i have some good ideas for this story!
thank you for reviewing! Report Review
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