Reading Reviews for Over the Edge
1 Reviews Found

Review #1, by shadowycorner The Man and the Coffee House

10th May 2008:
Hi! I was interested in your summary, despite its shortness and decided to give this story a try. Somehow in the glimpse of the moment, a story of a witch and a Muggle grabbed me. :)

So, firstly, I'd have some suggestions:
-Watch out for spelling mistakes. In the first sentence you used though instead of through and instead of 'gave her his phone number' you wrote game, so watch out for that. If you read through your stories a few times, you're surely to spot these and fix them.
-Your dialogue is gramamticaly incorrect, because there should be a comma after every part of speech.

"Yes, yes, it's all good," the man said.


"I'd love to," she replied. See what I mean? I also noticed this: What a lucky afternoon. Emma thought to herself. It should be in one sentence: "What a lucky afternoon, Emma thought herself.

-You have a great premise and a lovely idea, but if you want to have more readers and add more quality to the story, expand it a bit more. This was too short for a first introduction chapter. And it could've been so much more. Let's say, you started off with Emma walking around some describe the scene, describe Emma...describe what she's doing in more detail. Then something happens and she rushes outside. I guess that scene could be easily brief, but then, once the two people sat down for coffee...well, to be honest, nobody asks someone out so randomly. Have them talk a bit, ask each other about things. Emma could inquire about Oliver's health problems since she wants to be a nurse. And in between the conversation you could add little descriptions of how the two characters respond to each other. The looks, attitude, touches etc. For example, they would talk about anything possible and Oliver could steal secret glances at Emma, making it apparent he's attracted to her. See what I mean? When writing a scene, remembering to mention these things is very helpful: who, what, where, when, why, how. Sight, smell, touch, hearing, taste.

And lastly, the Godric's Hollow at the end caught me off guard. That is great. Now I'm wondering...did you just pick the place randomly for Emma to live in or will it even have influence on the plot? Because if it will then I'm really interested!! :D It might be marvelous.

xoxo Elizabeth

PS: I hope you don't mind the constructive criticism, but I only want to help. Just posting here shows you want to be creative and artistic, which is amazing. I assume this is your first fic? There's still a room to improve, isn't there? :) For some inspiration you can read other fics here on the site (I assure you there are plenty and plenty wonderful fics here). And if you ever need help, jump over to the forums and PM me at shadowycorner. :)

Author's Response: Dear Elizabeth,
No, I do not mind the criticism! I see it as ways to improve. Thank you so much for reading, and I do appreciate you taking the time to write the review!! :) I am always open to suggestions!
- Eva

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login