i thought this was really good. You did a great job and had a wonderfull thesis statement. It wasn't the type that seemed to yell out a moral or life lesson to a reader, it was more subtle which i thought was brilliant. Yet it was still there, it left the reader thinking about it, which is a great sign of a good writing. Wonderfull job!
There were a few points, however, in this that i thought you could do what my English teacher called "Show, not tell". ITs where, instead of just telling the reader something and hoping they believe it, show them everything that leads you or the character to believe it so that they too can draw to that conclusion.
Its just another way of asking for more description and explanation. THis is a wonderfull story, i just felt like i wanted more of it. For instance, in this paragraph: 'Although she would never admit it to anyone but herself, she had always had a certain soft spot for four troublesome Marauders. As much as she tried not to pick out favorites and love all her students equally, she couldn’t help but become attached to some students more than others, much more than others. She wanted, very much, to meet the next generation of the pranking foursome, but without the wait for the new school year to officially begin.'
I just felt like it would be nice to know why she felt softer towards the marauders. Maybe its just me, but i always had the impression that she would feel they were trouble makers. is that why? It would be really cool if you could maybe add some more there. Ooh, how neat it would be if you added a memory or something where she first realized they were differant from the other students in her mind.
I don't know. You don't need to, its just a suggestion. This is actually a very good fiction. As i said before about the theme, very powerful. Keep up the good writing. All the suggestions i said before are just ideas to make a fantastic writing just that much closer to perfect (which we all know is impossible to achieve anyhow lol). Hope to read more of your fictions in the future.
-norapotterAuthor's Response: Thank you!
Yeah, my Creative Writing teacher devoted an entire lesson to that once...
I do understand what you're saying, I wanted to put more in, but had a very short amount of time from when I started writing it to when it had to be finished; but (since there weren't enough entries for the fanfiction competition to happen) I will most likely be expanding on this story, including going into her memories rather than only her thoughts, due to your suggestion.
Thank you so much for your suggestions; they really helped with my approach on writing more for this story.
Thanks again! =] Report Review
too short... the idea is worth expanding onAuthor's Response: Yeah, I didn't have a lot of time to write it. I may end up adding something onto it later on though. Report Review
OMG that is so ausome and original! Never seen anything like it. I really liked it, but the last line kind of ruined it a bit.
Halfway through when I saw this line: "A brilliant flash of fire appeared at her table, and disappeared just as quickly, leaving a thick envelope and a phoenix feather behind.", it made me think for a moment. I thought: well maybe when Dumbledore leaves letters a pheonix feather is a kind of symbol or something to mark it as his, so that means OMG HE PLUCKS FEATHERS FROM FAWKES! Duh. I then realized that Fawkes probobly delivered it.
Sorry that I couldn't say anything important, but reviews arn't really my thing. Anyway, you just BROUGHT the ausomeness, so be proud. :)Author's Response: Thank you!!
I hope it would mean Fawkes delivered it; Fawkes is too awesome to have his feathers plucked, lol. ((Now I'm picturing Dumbledore plucking feathers off of random birds...))
You actually did. I'm having a lot of trouble with that last line, which I didn't really like from the beginning, so I've changed it, a little, and am hoping that took away at least some of the ruin-ness of it.
Thank you!! Report Review
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