18 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Maxton Dinner Arrivals

24th October 2012:
Poohka,
I really like your story and hope you are going to carry it on.
If not I would like to continue it where you stopped
I hope to hear back, but i will give credit to your beginning ideas
only gave it a nine/ten because you didn't finish

Author's Response: Honestly, I'm not sure if I want to return to writing or not at this point. I've had a bad year and I'm working out stress a different way right now. Unfortunately, this is a story I don't want to relinquish control of, but if I ever change my mind, I will PM you.

Thank you for the kind review. Glad you enjoyed it so far.


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Review #2, by Alopex Dinner Arrivals

4th September 2009:
Ok, I understand the need for Harry, as Head Auror and a famous person, to have security measures. But I have to tell you, I would be royally pissed off at being "shunted" to an Apparition room where I could be inspected like an animal in a cage. It wouldn't make me inclined to enjoy his company again. Just saying. I did think the charms and white board and all that were very clever and interesting. I do like it when authors invent supplemental magic. However, I thought you spent a little more time on the details of the protections than was necessary. Maybe it's a guy thing: gotta talk about your toys and act like you know how they work. (No offense.)

Why on earth did you have Dudley and Rolf dressed so oddly? Ok, Rolf dressed up as a Viking, I can accept. It was funny and added to the aura Luna has. But Dudley in Western attire? That is so hilarious. Basically all the men on my father's side of the family dress like that on a daily basis (I'm originally from Montana), so I can picture the attire very well, but I have a hard time picturing Dudley in it!

I do have one major problem with this story, although it really is only coming out majorly in this chapter. You keep referring to things that the characters know about, but the reader doesn't (unless the background info is in another story I haven't read?). I assume you're doing this because of the way you're being forced to tell the story given the opening chapter. I have seen this technique of essentially starting at the middle or end of a story and then working backwards, revealing bits as you go along, work well. However, I have also seen it fail in a fiery, flaming, screeching, disastrous trainwreck. This story, in its current trajectory, is probably like a car or motorcycle wreck, with the potential to either hit a train or miss it by a hair's breadth.

I know you've essentially abandoned this story, at least for the present time, and I am beginning to see why. Looking at what you've written so far, I'm sitting here stumped, wondering how on earth I'd manage to continue it if I was the writer. It's like having to navigate past a couple of washed-out bridges between point A and point B or something. I did enjoy your opening chapter and think it's worth keeping, but I'm not sure anymore that the beginning is the best place to have it. The reader already knows a major event, and you have to fill in all the details, and it's not meshing as well as it ideally should. Then you go and throw us the loop with Luna and Dudley having a romantic history, which will only make it more complicated.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm a bit confused as to how you're going to manage to continue telling this story from Harry's POV and resolve all the details you've introduced - especially in this chapter. I realize I'm talking here as if you're going to finish this story, which you might not. I do like the idea behind it a lot, and I think Dudley/Lavender is a fascinating ship. You obviously have a well-developed backstory, from what I can tell. However, as I said, I can see why you stopped writing this, because you have limited yourself and made it very hard. If you ever do rework it and/or continue it, I'm definitely interested, though. :-)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your honest opinion here. You see what I mean when I say that I painted myself in a corner with this story; not because of the plot, but because of the way it would have to be told in flashback. I think my reach exceeded my grasp and I tried something I wasn't technically able to do yet as a writer. Writing flashbacks are tricky and the chapter that I deleted was 1st person from Dudley's perspective and that really was jarring going from the dinner scene to a 1st person narrative. *Sigh* I'm learning how to write, slowly; but, it's something you never stop learning.

I've been seriously thinking about starting this over with 1st person chapters from Dudley's and Lav's POV's starting immediately after DH, which would put the first chapter of this story somewhere in the middle of the novel (definitely novel).

The things that keep getting referred to are the things I intended on telling in flashback, like Rolf and Dudley's outfits (which both do have reasons behind them...and good ones, I think).

The white board thing is my reimagination of Hermione taking on Pro Bono work of making sure that every wizarding house has at least basic protection. Because of the kidnapping attempt on Rose, Harry and Hermione's houses are very well protected. It hasn't been touch on yet, but Harry's house is on the Hebrides, a very bleak and desolate place and is only reachable by Apparition or Portkey or Floo, as well as being hidden by a modified Fidelius. You might be right and it's overdescribed.

Luna/Dudley is extremely important to the story and it has a lot to do with Dudley's changing. I will tell you that it was not reciprocal. Dudley was interested in being more than friends after a while, but Luna just wanted to be friends...in the course of the story, she would discover that Dudley's not the one for her as she believes in 'true love.' When I first started thinking about a Dudley/witch story, I first thought of Luna because I was comfortable writing her, but I quickly realized that wouldn't work with Dudley in a romantic relationship, only friends and only after Dudley had already changed some.

Your characterization of a motorcycle wreck about to occur is great and it's how I've thought about this story for a while.

If you are interested in seeing the chapter I deleted, let me know and I can PM it to you along with the in progress re-working of it.


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Review #3, by Alopex Harry returns home

2nd September 2009:
Haha, oops. Misunderstandings like that are so funny to read in stories. Or they are if I'm in the right mood, which I am tonight. Ginny's little joke about Dean was great too. She actually hoodwinked me for a moment! I read that line over again, and I was thinking, o_O no way! Ginny can't be having an affair! Oh no! Then I remembered who her brothers are and who Ginny is, and figured it was probably a joke, which of course was confirmed by reading the next couple of sentences.

To be blunt, I have to say that the "flow" of this story, especially the first half or so, could be better. Obviously, the encounter between Ron, Harry, Dudley, and Lavender had to be awkward, but there's something missing in the description there. The scene lacks emotional depth. I was, however, impressed but not surprised at how civil and even friendly Harry and Dudley were to one another. (Though Dudley's "I have changed; I am a better man" statements didn't impress me much.)

I've read enough of your stories to notice that you often depict Harry at the Ministry. I like that. I think you include nice Ministry- and Auror-appropriate touches. Obviously, working takes up a large portion of the average adult's life, so it's only realistic to write about Harry at work. I think you characterize Harry well, overall, with little mannerisms and actions you give him that make him seem completely human. I also enjoyed in this story and chapter the way he played with his kids.

Author's Response: I've gotten great feedback from the misunderstanding at the start of the chapter, so I think I nailed it pretty good. I was going for a 'Frazier' style misunderstanding for fans of that t.v. show.

I'm so glad that you think I characterize Harry well. Of all the characters, I think I do Harry and Luna the best, having had the most experience with them. I think I do Snape the worst and DD, who I've only written a tiny amount for and destroyed almost immediately.

As an adult with a full-time job; yes work is important. In both this story and 'Bodies at Rest,' Harry's job colours his perceptions of what's happening. Partially because he sees so much recidivism in his job as an Auror, he doesn't trust Dudley's statements.

As a person without kids, I'm glad that you think I do okay with him with his kids. It's important to me not to just gloss over the kids.

You are correct that the 'flow' of this story is off. When I get back to it, I'm going to get a beta, as this is unbetaed. I see lots of places for improvement.


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Review #4, by Alopex Dudley returns

31st August 2009:
I basically never start reading WIPs that haven't been updated in over a year; I generally impose a 6 month limit on my choices if I'm feeling generous and a 1 month limit if I'm not. But, really, how could I resist a ship like Dudley/Lavender? I have been eyeing this story and its intriguing banner for some time, and I just had to read it whether or not it's ever finished.

I think there's a lot of potential material with the Dursleys, but I hardly ever see stories involving them, and when I do, I don't like them. I've always wondered whether or not Harry was ever in contact with them or not after DH. I'm sure they didn't become friends, but I have often wondered what, if any, contact there might have been. Since the Order was protecting the Dursleys, it seems logical to assume that Harry at least received news that his relatives survived the war.

Lavender is another interesting ambiguity, because the last we read of her (as far as I'm aware) is that she's "feebly stirring" or something like that after having been attacked by Fenrir Greyback. Really, her survival could probably go either way. Pairing Dudley with Lavender is a pretty bold move and definitely requires a lot of backstory and set-up to make it believable. However, the idea appeals to me. :-)a

I don't know exactly when you wrote this chapter, of course, but obviously it was some time ago. The writing here is not bad or anything, but I can tell that you have improved. Your most recent stories are better-written than the older ones, which I'm sure isn't surprising to hear.

Author's Response: Sigh, this story. I posted a new chapter for it and actually deleted it after a few reviews because I was having POV problems. I've actually thought about scrapping the whole darn thing and starting over first person from Dudley and Lavender's POVs. I'm not having trouble with where the plot's going, but HOW to tell it. I think I painted myself into a corner by demanding that so much of it be told in flashback.

I have a totally sane reason for them to get together and it involves another witch that Dudley was friends with, although he didn't know she was a witch. I can't say more without spoilers.

Yes, I wrote this more than a year ago and I don't think it was betaed. Just checked, and it's unbetaed, and that's one of the reasons it doesn't flow as well. I don't usually need a beta for spelling, but I do need one for flow sometimes and grammar (minorly).

Yes! We actually don't know canonically if Lavender survived or not. I love that in fanfic you can take it either way.

I'm sorry I hadn't updated this in a while. My original plan was to return to it after the re-write of my hidden novel "The Dementor's First Kiss," which was my first completed novella (it will be a novel when the re-write is done. It badly needed a re-write as it was my first fic and not only weird, but profoundly juvenile.). But then I was grabbed by the Staff Challenge with the ghosts that morphed into "Bodies at Rest." So the uptick is that I still want to return to this at some point, but I'm not sure when.

Also, I just noticed that the chapters here are not the current chapters I have on my thumb drive. They are slightly to quite different. For example, my updated chapter describes Dudley's uniform correctly and in this posted chapter I can see it's wrong. I thought I had updated when I corrected some stuff, but I must have decided to wait until I came back to the story.

I'm gratified to hear that my recent stories are better. I credit my betas, reallyginny and Bella_Portia.

If you prefer not to review the rest of this story because it's not been updated in a while, that's quite okay and I understand. I really, really want to tell the story, but I'm so unsure about how to proceed with it stylistically.


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Review #5, by Bella_Portia Dinner Arrivals

14th June 2009:
I could have sworn I reviewed this. Perhaps I just intended to.

I always liked this story and continue to hope you will pick it up.

I like the elaborate, well-thought-out, detailed way you describe the Potter house and its wards and magical aspects. When people are shunted into the Apparation Chamber, I picture something like a garage (with all the garden tools in the same location).

I love your take on Rolf. The combination of a Viking/shaman/ wild man and cultured scholar just seems absolutely right. It also describes someone who is the right kind of "thoroughly eccentric" to be a good match for Luna.

The line about, if we didn't give Draco a second chance, what would have become of Rose -- I did not get that. Does it tie into something that came up in one of the earlier chapters?

The intereactions between all the characters -- you have eight of them going on -- are just extremely natural and believable.

I look forward to reading more of this.

Author's Response: I think you did review this long ago and it got eaten by the server crash that ate so many reviews. I am working on the next chapter and I'm posting at my livejournal account as I re-write it, both as a writing circle exercise and as a way for me to show my (slow) process.

I really want to get back to this, as I know exactly how this story goes and plays out, until the ending. Usually I don't know exactly how the stories going to end when I free-write, but this one I can so clearly picture in my mind.

I'm so glad that you like the little details; that's something that's important for me and since Harry and Hermione were both raised by Muggles some things that are familiar to use would be familiar to them too, like security systems.

Ah, Rolf. His physical appearance is based on a friend of mine, with a bit wilder appearance than my friend. I love the dichotomy between his appearance and his mental acuity. I don't know if I'm going to actually use a bit of dialogue I wrote for him or not, but it goes, "What's the point of being a wizard if you can't be a bit eccentric?" I think that sums up him, Luna and their relationship.

The line about Draco is a plot bunny that I would like to incorporate into this story as a flashback, but might write as a one-shot. It will center around an interaction between Harry and Draco and Draco doing something not exactly heroic, but at least not cowardly.

I knew these chapters with the dinner would be hard with eight characters, but I never thought the flashback sequences would be what tripped me up.

I'm so glad you came back and re-reviewed this; your opinion means a lot to me.


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Review #6, by Karkaroff Dinner Arrivals

15th October 2008:
Cool and please update soon as I am enjoying the plot.

Author's Response: Thank you. It will be a while before I manage to update here again, as I'm working primarily on a story re-write right now.

Glad you're enjoying the plot.


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Review #7, by olivia_maria Dinner Arrivals

12th October 2008:
wow ummm wow not at all what i expected but i like it i like how u have them all how they were but matured evry 1 else seems to changh them all 2 gether but plz wirite more

Author's Response: Thank you very much.

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Review #8, by David Fishwick Dinner Arrivals

4th October 2008:
Interesting idea and please update soon thanks.

Author's Response: I actually already posted the next chapter, but removed it as it needs to be re-worked. Sorry for the delay, but I am a slow updater. Glad that you liked the story.

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Review #9, by NevillesSoulmate Dudley returns

10th June 2008:
This is definitely an interesting idea, especially the Dudley/Lavender ship. It was a rather short chapter for such an important meeting, though. I'm not one to talk since I have a hard time writing longer things, but there was so much information and shocking revelations, like Lavender losing her legs, in such a short time. I think you could definitely add to emotions/reactions, but you have a completely original plot going that I think will work really well. I'm assuming you're going to do flashbacks, right? It would be very interesting to see how all of this came about, and I like the fact that you didn't start at the beginning-beginning. Overall, good start. :)

Author's Response: Thank you for the kind review. Yes, I intend to fill in via flashbacks. It was meant as a short intro chapter, but I'm going to combine chap 1 and 2 into the first chapter to make it make more sense.

Thank you for confirming that it's an original plot. I definitely wanted something I hadn't seen before.


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Review #10, by Bella_Portia Harry returns home

7th June 2008:
Well, I know this is supposed to be a dark story, but this particular scene is too funny. The mixed up dinner is pretty humerous (might have been even funnier if they never straightened out the misunderstanding until the guests arrived.)

Did Ginny not have any emotional reaction to Harry's cousin? His Aunt and Uncle were horrible to him, after all.

I thought the scene at home was really charming. Also, I' glad I didn't read it on a full stomach (all that talk about hummus and tapenade).

Looking forward to more.

Author's Response: I take it you don't like hummus or olive tapenade? LOL. I wanted to keep a Middle Eastern theme to the food to go along with the lamb stew.

I wanted to go the route of having the mix-up continue until guests started arriving, but I was having a hard time justifying that they wouldn't discuss what they thought about the fiances, so I didn't feel that it worked right when I went that route.

Thank you again for pointing out how I didn't show emotion properly. I'm working on a short story now for something else that I'm doing just to work on emotional depth to characters.

I promise there will be some dark elements to this story, but it will be a little while, I have some backstory to set up first.


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Review #11, by Leo072491 Harry returns home

29th May 2008:
Okay this chapter was much better than the last. The part with Harry and Ginny was realstic. Now you just need to make the parts with Dudley and Lavender just as realistic. I liked this chapter a lot more. I still suggest the outline thing. Even a lot of flashbacks through the story would help. I would probably break up the sentences a bit more. And yes I think people will read this especially after you make a few changes. Congradulations on even getting this far. :D

~Leo

Author's Response: Thank you again for your feedback. I appreciate all the help. I promise that I will do my best to make the flashback scenes with Dudley/Lavender and Dudley/Luna realistic and believable.

Thanks as well for the idea of breaking up the sentences more. As a novice writer, varying sentence structure is something that I'm working on.


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Review #12, by Leo072491 Dudley returns

29th May 2008:
Okay you asked me to review your story to see if it is something that people would want to read. I can tell the type of plot you want to follow here, but you are in for a rough ride. Your story has no flow. I know that YOU have an image in your head what you want the readers to visualize but when you are writing you have to write down as many details from that image so the readers can see the picture too.

And then you jumped right into the middle of the plot. I mean why the heck is Dudley working where he is? Why doesn't Lavender have legs? How did they meet? What was their first date? Their first kiss? How did Dudley propose? Why would Lavender pretend to be dead when everyone saw her alive at the end of the battle?

Your story is slightly AU. Which means you HAVE to explain every aspect of your characters back story. If you don't the readers will be totally lost. Also you seem to be throwing in characters left and right. Slow down a bit, and explain each one.

Don't give up on this story. A rewrite could make this story really great. But set out an outline. Make sure you know your characters, their back story, their personalities, everything. And then come and keep writing. When you have your characters and your story outline completely solid your story is going to come out great!

Author's Response: Thank you for the review. I did intend to jump "in media res" and explain from flashbacks and tales from the protagonists, so that is how it will go. I promise that all will be explained.

Thank you for letting me know that the visuals are not up to snuff. I sometimes stint on description with the intent on writing a sparse style, but end up writing too sparsely.

As you noticed, it is AU, although not terribly so, as it changes nothing from the books or epilogue, although it will contradict some of JKR's utterances from after the books.

Thank you for the CC, I appreciate all feedback.


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Review #13, by Ariana_Gryffindor Harry returns home

28th May 2008:
Hi i'm back lol

Okay this was another good chapter. it was a nice touch with Albus and James very sweet and fatherly. The bit where Ginny played the trick was really well done i actually believed it until it was explained.
I also like the confusion between them and the introduction of Luna and Rolf.
By the way this may be because i am from Australia or becuase i just don't know: what is tabbouleh? i'd really like to know. =)

Once again good spelling and grammar.
A nice story

Hope i helped in some small way.
Steph

Author's Response: I'm glad that you liked the bit between Harry and Ginny and the kids. For some reason, I always picture H/G pranking each other very slightly. I'm absolutely sure that he loves her very much (even though I'm primarily a H/L shipper).

I wanted to play up the confusion over the extra invitees even more, but I decided that it would get tedious. Thanks for letting me know that I got it just about right.

Re-reading it myself, I just spotted a continuity error that I will have to fix.

Thanks again for the grammar and spelling check.

Tabbouleh is a salad made with bulgur wheat, tomatoes, green onions and parsley, with a light, citrusy/garlicky dressing. It is Middle Eastern in origin, hence the hummus and pita chips as well. One of the nice things about being able to Apparate is that your take-out is always nice and fresh and you can pick up dinner in London, even when you live in the Hebrides :)

Thanks again for your kind words.


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Review #14, by Ariana_Gryffindor Dudley returns

28th May 2008:
Hi this i ariana from the forums.

So to begin with i want to say you have an interesting pairing Lavander/Dudley. It should make an interesting story.
You have done well with your grammar and spelling as i spotted near to no mistakes, just a few places where a semicoln could have been used instead of commas but thats nothing major at all.

OKay to begin with i love how you have reintroduced Lavender, the first Won-won as a way of letting her identity be known was clever and the cripple bit is god twist. Makes you wonder how she actually lost her legs? Although It should add some complications and triumphs to the storyline which is good.

So i wonder how they got together and how long they have known each other to be getting married?
Better continue reading then

Steph @0o0@

Author's Response: I promise that all of the questions that you brought up will be answered. I will tell how she lost her legs, met Dudley, what she's been doing for ten years in hiding, and how long they've known each other.

Thanks also for the validation on spelling and grammar. I pride myself on my spelling, and I hate typos with a passion, so I edit heavily. Alas, some grammar mistakes will escape me as I have never been trained at writing.

Thanks for letting me know that this is a readable idea.


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Review #15, by celticbard Dudley returns

9th April 2008:
Wow, what a unique pairing! I find it quite refreshing and I am certainly looking forward to the next chapter. Update soon!

Author's Response: This was the third fanfic idea that I had, so it's been rattling around in my brain for a while, nearly fully formed.

Updates should be about every two weeks.


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Review #16, by Bella_Portia Dudley returns

9th April 2008:
I saw this and could not resist. Lavender? Dudley? Love story? Pookha, I have no CC this time around. I think it's a heck of an idea and a really good beginning. The idea of Lav losing her legs in the BOH is logical and a bit shocking and very original.

Glad to see that Dudley seems to have gotten his life together . . .

Author's Response: As I said in the summary for this, it will be a bit dark. But, coming from me, would you expect anything else?

Dudley definitely found some discipline and got his life together.

This really was just an intro chapter, the updates will be a bit slow, due to work constraints, but I hope to post a chap every week and a half to two weeks.


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Review #17, by mom2alexis2003 Dudley returns

8th April 2008:
glad I'm not the only one thinking of a lavender/dudley story. I like it! can't wait to read more!

Author's Response: Thanks. I always had the feeling that Dudley would marry a witch, don't know why. The updates here might be a bit slow, but they will come.

Also, I will be editing as I go, since this will be a living story, rising organically.


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Review #18, by paratrooper321fa Dudley returns

8th April 2008:
I am American Army, go figure with the name above , but I know a little about the British Army. Their Special Forces equivilent is called the Special Air Service or the SAS but there are several other SF groups all are Airbroen Infantry regiments as a side note.

Dudley Lavender is an interesting mix I am looking ofrward to see where this is going.

A couple thought about the next chapter
how the 2 met?
Uncle Vernons response to his kid marring a witch?
Is Lavender Part Werelf now?

The story is a little short but the prolouge gets a spoldi 8

Author's Response: Thanks for the info on the SAS. That's the sort of reason that I will be editing as I write this. I should have researched it first, but got caught up in the flow of inspiration.

You will see how the two met in future chapters.
You will see Vernon's response to both Lav and Harry coming back into his life, as well as troubles with his health.
I'm not going with any werewolf theme, I want to get that out right now.

Yes, this was definitely just an intro chapter/prologue. Future chapters will run 2000-3000 words, most likely.


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