It's very sweet and romantic. I never really take the time to sit down and read a fluff because I'm too busy loving my angst. But maybe that's why I made my challenge, to see a little fluff! Awesome flow. Definite 10/10.Author's Response: Aw, I'm attached to angst, too. Both genres interest me. Thanks for the review! Report Review
Aww, this was very sweet and romantic. Seeing as they are both in their fourth year, I wouldn't have expected anything more from Michael's confession of his love. I liked how you let it build up slowly and slowly to finally announce what he's keeping inside of him. I love reading stories where there's a sense of eagerness to find out what's really happening next. So you did a really good job there.
I don't really have any complaints or critique that I could possibly offer you. I found the relationship between Michael and Sara to be the sweetest thing possible. They felt so real and their fondness of each other couldn't be displayed in any other possible way.Author's Response: This review makes me happy! Michael and Sara are the sweetest thing, but because of Cho and Ginny and canon, they aren't supposed to last. But who needs canon anyways? xD
Thanks for the review. Report Review
Hello it's Padfoot36 from the forums with the review that you waited. I'm sorry it took so long but hopefully it was worth thew wait.
Things I Liked: I love the little parallel with Moaning Myrtle and how she was faithful to the girl’s lavatory. I like how you start off with the girl saying that Micheal would never betray her. It makes you think at once that he will betray her. I was so afraid he was going to hurt her when he went down to whisper something to her. I’m so glad it wasn’t! I don’t see many or read many OC/OC fics but this one was really cute.
Things I Would Change/Don't Get: What time period is this? In the early paragraphs I usually like finding that out but the only clue is it’s after Myrtle’s death. Wait never mind you mention the Goblet later on.
Character Analysis: Their relationship felt so real and it was really touching how they just talking about such simple things and teased each other just a bit.
Possible Clichés: None
Overall Rating: 8/10Author's Response: Aw. Thanks for the review! Report Review
Aw this was short and sweet :) I guess Michael's forgotten all about Cho, hmm? I like how comfortable they are around each other. They're definitely just like two best friends who have known each other for a long time and just recently had fallen in love. The tentative "I think I love you" was really adorable and realistic, because they're just kids. It wouldn't have made sense for Michael to say a sonnet or something :P So good job on that, they had a lot of chemistry. What can I say, this was a really cute and fluffy story. :)
I think it was pretty well-written throughout, but the dialogue wasn't done quite right. I'll show you what I'm talking about. For example:
“Don’t you ever get tired of Potions?” He asked as he gently pried the book from my fingers.
You don't need to capitalize the "he" right after that line of dialogue, because the "he asked" is a continuation. So it should be:
"Don't you ever get tired of Potions?" he asked
I noticed this several times. Also, when you're not ending the dialogue with a question mark or an exclamation, you need to end it with a comma. For example:
“Why do you tap things out? You do it a lot and I just never asked before.” I whispered
Instead of a period after "before," it should be a comma like this:
“Why do you tap things out? You do it a lot and I just never asked before,” I whispered
I hope that helps! These things get really tricky sometimes. :) Anyway I thought this story was adorable so good job.Author's Response: A sonnet? I don't even think grownup Michael would do that. xD Thanks for pointing out those errors to me and for the review! Report Review
This was cute.
Sometimes through the stories you repeat the same word several times in one paragraph. You might try working on a more varied vocabulary by looking up synonyms. I especially noticed the word 'harm' and the word 'attention' coming over and over again in some paragraphs.
Other than that it was really good grammatically; I couldn't sniff out a single spelling or grammar error, which is rare.
Technically speaking I think Sara and Michael seem way too mature for their age-level: I mean, in the summary you say that this takes place in the beginning of their fourth year so they can't be more than thirteen, possibly fourteen, years old. I don't know about you, but I was certainly not ready to act the way they do when I was that age. For the sake of the story you might want to claim them as older, just so the story seems more realistic.
Except for that it was good and cute, which I suppose was the purpose of the story :)Author's Response: I planned on them being fourteen, at least Sara and Michael's birthday was coming up, if that makes since. I based their relationship a bit off one of mine and then some other relationship stories I've heard from my friends. When I was thirteen and fourteen, I had a very serious boyfriend who I honestly though I was in love with. xD Turns out I wasn't. Anyways, thanks for the review. Report Review
AWW very sweet story! You did a great job. I like the description used in it.
"Michael had been as faithful to me as Moaning Myrtle was to haunting the Girl’s Lavatory on the second floor." That part made me giggle. You have a great way of using description in the story and you make it so light hearted.
I really enjoyed reading this, it made me smile!
madgalAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review! I was trying to make it all lighthearted and then kind of deep toward the end because of what Michael wants to express. xD Report Review
Aww, how sweet!! Really cute. Seems perfect to me. I don't see a thing to change!Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Report Review
Such a sweet story. I really enjoyed it, made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! Beautifully written, great description and great emotions, you made the writer feel it. Well done!Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I worked on this story for about 3 or 4 hours so I'm glad it turned out well. Report Review
This is really sweet. Well written.
Keep writing.Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Report Review
aw! This is so sweet!!! I was nervous at first reading him saying her name. At first I thought. "He's going to end it! No!!" I'm glad he didn't! It was such a sweet little love fic! 100/10!Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Report Review
Very nice. You have a flowing writing style, simple, but effective. It is a sweet story that gives a gentler side of Michael Corner. Keep up the good work!
P.S. The song you chose, "Words of Love," is one of my favorite Buddy Holly songs, but I've never heard the Beatles remake. I'll have to check it out!Author's Response: I've never heard Buddy Holly's version. Thanks for the review! Report Review
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