I think you've done better in this chapter than the other two.
The other two sounded like summaroies, without any thoughts or emotions through herself. Like I tell many people, use imagery like similies. (I.g. It was as beautiful as...)
It's the simplest, and it was just enforcing what you want to say. Besides that, it is pretty interesting. Keep up the good work!
PainfullygoneAuthor's Response: thank you for the advice and for the review:D I too think I've done better in this chapter:) I'm currently re-reading and editing the other two, so your advice does help:)
thanx. Report Review
sweet chapter i like your book so farAuthor's Response: thanks!! Report Review
awesome chapter like reading a harry potter book.Author's Response: thanx!!! Report Review
Sure, I guess it shows her life, but nothing really happens in it :(. I think you need to add something happening, I just wanted to skim over it all. You do have a nice way with words though, they all fit nice - and not awkward.
:) Update with some action soon!Author's Response: action comes from the next chapter onwards:) keep reading and thnx for the review Report Review
Wow, you certainly have a pretty good OC :D. Usually they're all perfect and icky. Yours is nice! One thing I don't get is the expelling thing. I can't believe that she could be expelled to easily, but besides that, I love you she speaks/thinks/ It's so realistic!
:)Author's Response: thanx for the review!! well, she wasn't easily expelled, her potion caused the death of a student, her friend amanda. I needa put it in, I skipped it by mistake, sorry:(
Here to review you again =]
I liked this chapter. You've given me a unique movement from feeling so 'at home' with her magical society, to feeling like a pure outcast with her Muggle counterparts. The emotions that you've drawn in this chapter were nicely crafted--I actually felt as though you were really striving to make Lucy's connection to adolescent depression to the reader a true one.
For chapter length, it was very short lived, even though I can tell that you strove to make up for it in emotional content--this is a good thing. However, in terms of content, I feel as though that you could have elaborated a little bit more on how terrible she felt about leaving Hogwarts and being enrolled in a Muggle school with actual dialgoue and side experiences for this chapter. You've skimmed across the surface, and in order to really 'capture' a character's heartfelt emotions, you need to dig deeper to achieve the depth that really gives a chapter that extra 'wow' factor--
1) Character + Opposite Character Experiences = Establishes unique connections; tension, interest, intrigue, personality challenge on a psychological level
2) Dialogue + Experiences with Separate Society = Natural and Realistic flow of a chapter; character development, personality introductions/challenges
3) Becareful not to SKIP an entire chapter's content to see the amount of reviews you'll get at the end. People appreciate it better if you're more modest about it, and many reviewers want to take their time to analyze, experience, and enjoy your chapter's content and usually avoid reviewing at ALL if it turns out that such a good chapter has an author who ONLY wants a good pocket full of reviews.
Depth + Emotion + Connections + Tension + Turmoil + Good Length + Varying Perspectives = Good Chapter.
It's been a pleasure reviewing you Author's Response: oh thank you so much for the review!! Yeah, I'll keep in mund:) thanks for the tips! Report Review
*tilts head until virtual hat falls off*
Ms. dev, I have to say that you have a very intriguing first chapter for this story on your hands. I enjoyed the fact that you took the simple amount of time to give your readers a re account of Lucy Brock's last day of Hogwarts that basically lead to her downfall in being expelled. Your transition between dialogue to Lucy's personal thoughts were nothing that I'd complain about--They were fresh, clean, and innocently crafted that gave me the impression that you've put PLENTY of work into this =]
I also admire that you've added a few flaws to Brock as well. I'm accustomed to authors taking their OC's and adding so much glamour and perfection to them that it's obvious that they're fantastical. But no, you've taken the mature author's step to making Lucy Brock REALISTIC--This is a quality that you should be proud of. You just need to make sure that you include normal flaws to her (temper/depression/insecurities, etc) to her every so often.
As for critique, I only have a couple of concerns in this area--
1) How did Lucy know that Snape was a former Death Eater? What connections did she obtain to have this knowledge, since it's only her 2nd year at Hogwarts? How does this affect her?
2) Why would Lucy be expelled for ONLY causing a potion to explode? Within each of JKR's books, we've encountered on many, many occassions where there have been students that have had the same accidents--But they're only given a detention, and have a few house points taken away.
3) Since you've portrayed Dumbledore to be such a kind and understanding character; then why would he EXPEL her by writing a letter to Snape? Personally, I don't find the logic in this very sensible.
4) What would make Lucy such a special case of a student to be permanently banned from Hogwarts and placed into a Muggle school as a witch? You're basically taking someone of magical heritage and mixing them with studies, classes, and students that have no comparison to her in terms of what she'd require for magical education. Again, where would the logic in this be?
For some reason, it feels as if you haven't provided enough of a good explanation for punishing a student as young, and as innocently accused as she is. I can roll with this reasoning, but you'll need to make sure that your characterizations, general flow, and plot-line for the rest of Lucy's experience are well made.
Otherwise, I can tell that you have quite the talent of being a writer. I don't across many people that can pull such fresh and excellent flash backs
Well done =]Author's Response: thanks for the review!
1) well, Lucy was from a pure blood slytherin family so she knew it. It didn't affect her much but her loathng for Snape was bolstered by this fact.
2)wel,, the Potion caused the death of a student, her friend amanda. I'm sorry I missed the fact, I'll edit it soon.
3) you're getting it wrong. Snape wrote to dumbledore and not the other way round.
4)I just cannot get what exactly you mean. But well, since Lucy was expelled from hogwarts, she just couldn't sit at home, right? so her parents sent her to a muggle school. Report Review
Much, much better than the last one...more depth and bittersweet family troubles...9/10
And I was wondering, being a guy, how is it like to write a story from a girl's point of view??
Can't wait to read more of her love, whoever he is =)
jkrowling_fanAuthor's Response: thanx for the review:) and I'm not a guy! I'm a girl:) Report Review
OMG - why on earth was she expelled for an accident? it was an ACCIDENT!!! surely, dumbly realised THAT?? And when you said that Lucy lost her best friend, did Amanda DIE?
Fav Line - "Lucy Brock was expelled from Hogwarts on March 9’ 98, and was never to be seen on the looming corridors or the gloomy stairs of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, ever again." Awesome. Makes me wanna read the second chapter.
But I'm one of the critical sorts, so I'll give 8.5/10
Keep going!Author's Response: yeah, amanda did.
so it wasn't a very easy going accident right? and dumbledore could not do anything 'cos the final decision was with the trustees and thingy so...
thanx for the review:) Report Review
It's okay so far. I can't say that much since the plot isn't that noticable yet, but I do have a few notes:
Don't say 'anyways' unless it is being in first person point of view. Otherwise, it just seems out of place.
So, were they supposed to make a potion that burned people's skins of? If so, why would second years be making such a potion.
"All Snape did was, write to Dumbledore. No detentions, no negative points, nothing, just a plain, simple letter." In the first chapter you should delete the comma and the second sentence is a run-on.
"23, Raven Street," You can delete the first comma, it's not necissary.
"If a shoulder she had in the world to cry upon, it was her grandmother. " It would make more sense to write that sentence: If there was a shoulder in the world for her to cry on, it was her grandmother's.
"She was as loving towards Lucy as she was before that fateful day. " Replace the second was with had been.
Other than that, it's good. Keep on working!Author's Response: thanx a lot for the constructive critizism and the review:) I'll make the changes asap! Report Review
I thought this chapter was much better than the first. The description was more entrancing and it flowed a lot better. I would have thought that, being pureblood fanatics and all, her parents would've disowned her, to get rid of the shame to their family so to speak.Author's Response: well, her grandma wouldn't let them disown her right?
thanx for the review, it means a lot! Report Review
I"m a little confused as to why she blew up her potion. I think you could lengthen this out and add a bit more description in there it would be a really great story. I love the opening paragraph, it's my favourite part. Great job :)Author's Response: ok, I actually put in more detail along with a chapter image for the first chapter but it got rejected 'cos they say the chapter image won't show up, so I have to post it all over again:(
thanx for the review though:) Report Review
Hello there. chaotic from the forums, ready to review.
Well, first off, where you say "flashback"... don't. A writer is supposed to show that it's a flashback, put it in italics, make Lucy say she's remembering something, but don't tell your reader's it's a flashback directly. That's something you see in movies, not in books.
There were a few tense mix ups. (many of them Slytherins, which Lucy takes pride in) It should be, "...which Lucy TOOK pride in." because everything else you have written is in third person. "Entering the gloomy, dark Potions classroom is all Lucy remembers, or rather, likes to remember." The same this with that. "... is all Lucy REMEMBERED, or rather, LIKED to remember." It's a pretty common mistake, though. There were a few grammar errors, but nothing stood out immediately.
Chapter 2-It was a bit on the short side, that's for sure. I actually was surprised that Lucy's family didn't immediately disown her- first being in Gryffindor, and then being expelled- that has to be one understanding pureblood family. I'm quite confused as to how old Lucy is. Is she around thirteen? Just fresh from being expelled, or older? It is clear.
Again, a few spelling mistakes here and there, but it was an okay chapter. Overall, the story is good for a beginnning. It's kind of confusing, though.
Love, chaoticAuthor's Response: thanks a lot for the review!!
yeah, I'll make the changes:)
oh, well, she wasn't disowned 'cos her grandma won't let that happen.
well, i guess it's a few months, like seven, since she was expelled. Report Review
I wouldn't think that anyone would say that there is a 'magical' world- because people would be calling for the men in white coats.
Again the point with 'And' at the beginning of the line.
I like the way to described how her family felt. Poor Lucy =[
Try to make the chapters a bit longer, add more detail- because it barely took me a minute to read this.
Oh and at the end where you have your authors note, dont beg for reviews, if your story is good and the readers like it then you get reviews, but if you beg- it turns readers off reviewing.
Please tell me when you update this story!!Author's Response: woot!! you reviewed the second chapter too!
ok, i don't understand your first sentence....
yeah, i'll edit all the snetences that start with and:)
yeah, I'll edit the a/n:) thanx a lot for reviewing!! Report Review
I loved this line- "But what she didn’t know was what the day had in store for her."- dun dun dun- its brilliant at the beginning of the story as it gets the reader guessing whats going to happen and wanting to read on.
"where she stopped reading"- you missed 'had' in between 'she' and 'stopped'.
"And anyways, she had"- dont start a sentence with 'and' and try not to have two sentences starting with the same word together.
"thick mass of muscle, ligaments and bones."- ew
When you said that Snape spent the whole day fixing students,
wouldn't he just send them all the the hospital wing?
"looming corridors or the gloomy stairs of Hogwarts"- nice descriptions!
This chapter was kind of on the short side, but thats not to say that it was crap- im just pointing it out.
Its a really good chapter, it gives what happened to the character which some writers leave for the second or third chapter- and the way you did it means that the reader isnt confused for a whole chapter. Really nice job.Author's Response: thanks a lot!! thanks a lot for the review!! I'll make all the corrections:) and yeah, I'll change the sentences starting from and.
OK, didn't I mention that madam pomfrey was ill? *runs off to check* I'll add that, thanks a lot for telling me:) I just thought that Snape would be very angry if he himself had to fix it up.....
oh, I know that the first two chapters were short, but from the third one, they'll be longer, 'cos they'll describe Lucy's current life:) I didn't want to stuff in everything in one chapter to make it long.
thanks a lot, again for the review:) Report Review
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