hi! im responding to your review request, i've never read a story like this it is very interesting! your grammar is pretty good there was nothing really bad and your writing is very developed! great story and happy writing!!
LuckySeven Report Review
This is an amazing story. I really enjoy how you integrated flowers into the story. It's very lovely. I also find the discription in your writing to be very well done, not to mention I haven't seen such good writing since I read The Far Kingdoms. I can't remember who the author is right now, but maybe you should look it up if you're interested in magic. I suppose just go on Amazon.com or something. Anyway, good job! 10/10Author's Response: Thank you a lot!
I'll look at this book. Report Review
Another very interesting chapter. I really like the idea of Flower Magic that you are introducing. As I write below, I think it would benefit from being described more specifically; but it seems like a very original idea. And -- Voldemort the Flower Freak! Whoever whould have imagined?
I love the way you use flower sympolically, as well -- particularly the ones sent home with Snape.
“I will pray for you, my lord.” Whatever their relationship, this just seems OOC coming from a snake.
Alas, poor Dumbledore. Are you making him decrepit? (I know from your summary that this is a different characterization for DD.)
“For sure it has something to do with Potter.” I believe Snape would eat his own tongue before he would say, "For sure."
“Obliviate” is detectable with a blood test? I could see where exposure to a substance like tirakuli, or a potion, might show up on a blood test. But not a charm like Obliviate.
“he looks after you” [referring to the Oleander] This phrase has a connotation of caring attention. I don’t think that’s what you meant. Perhaps, “he’s keeping his eye on you” or “he’s watching you.”
“‘For a person like Tom, this is the herbarium selection,’ the headmaster laughed, ‘quite predictable.’” I don’t actually see what’s predictible. That Tom would use flowers to send message? Also, who is the intended recipient? Snape? Since he works with herbs, one would expect him to understand; and his comment, “You aren’t mistaken,” seems to indicate that he knows all of the information Dumbledore is reciting. Still, it seems to me that the point could be made a little more explicit, because DD does come across as explaining LV's actions to someone who wouldn't otherwise comprehend them. So let the reader know (assuming that is your intention) that the message (conveyed by traditional meanings of flowers and plants) was for Snape, and he understood it. (As opposed to: he was intended to carry it to Dumbledore and it was irrelevant whether he personally interpreted the message, or not.)
“it seemed that Snape, already poisoned with the flower himself, was trying to spit the poison out with the intonation of his voice.” You have a lot of fine description. However, this figure of speech seems over-the-top to me. I had to read it twice to be sure you didn’t mean it literally.
“And how much do his “presents” to his potential and past prey cost. Indeed very entertaining…sending flowers to them.” [¶] “You underestimate the power of flower magic, Severus? I didn’t notice before such nonchalance.” I don’t notice anything nonchalant in Severus’s statement, so Dumbledore’s response seems to come out of nowhere.
The most difficult paragrapphs to comment on, that defy quotation, are the ones where DD describes Flower Magic and why is so unusual. I would suggest rearranging the paragraphs, so that he describes the nature of Flower Magic first. Indeed, I'm not sure I understand it myself. It seems to require that the Wizard himself give off a smell akin to that of a flower; also, that he would have an affinity for a particular magical flower, and that would be the smell he radiated. Have I got that right? Because that explains why it is so rare and (as you imply but don't come out and say) hereditary. This is a very unique idea, so I would describe it as specifically and succuintly as you can. Yes, you give a hint in the (I believe) Prologue, where LV refers to himself as being imbued with the scent. It was a but puzzling there; this will clarify it.
This is shaping up as a really good, highly original story.Author's Response: big thanx again!
Each person has it's own smell (or better to say, a flower or flowers)
It's very rare, and the wizard can have a talent to it, or a gift.
I'll explain everything through future chapters..the positive and negatives things of that magic. Report Review
First, I must say this: I would not have thought this was written by the same peson who wrote the prologue. The English errors that filled up my review -- practically nonexistent.
The continuity between this and the previous chapter, just continuing the conversation with Nagini, worked very well. I loved the part where Nagini's muzzle sunk down, like a guilty dog.
As a "logic" matter: I don't think LV ever answered Nagini's question about Dumbledore recognizing him if he turned up at Hogwarts looking like he did back when he was 16. Her point seemed to be that Dumbledore knew him when he was 16 -- wouldn't he recognize him? "My inside essence will change" doesn't seem to address the matter, since it is his "outside essence" that will make him recognizable.
About Nagini: why would she want to take the potion? Her appearance won't change.
More significantly: I don't believe she would ever call him "Tom." LV hates being addressed as "Tom."
"burning the minds of his most trusted. . ." of course, what he burns most directly is the mark on their arms. Otherwise, I thought you did a superb job in describing LV's rather sadistic feelings toward his minions.
Perhaps it's just me, but I liked that you mentioned Lucius's hair, since he certainly has the best hair of anyone in the HP universe. But this exchange confused me:
A light laugh broke the dark silence. “Do I not look good, Lucius?”
Lucius looked at Voldemort fearfully. “No, my Lord.”
“Then why don’t you look at me, my friend?”
So, question: Did you intend Lucius to give an affirmative answer to the question, "Do I look good?" Because then, the rest would make sense. But as written, the exchange does not make sense.
"Power corrupted, didn’t it? She was sweet. . ." I liked this part, but you might consider saying "It was sweet," as abstract nouns are generally neuter in English.
"Snakes [I think you mean "Snake's"] rustling disturbed the silence". The inserted correction assumes Nagini is the only serpent around.
I liked the description of Nagini, with her busy, sensitive forked tongue and her intuitive mind, telling LV there was something wrong with Snape.
bright and shameless, light and embarrassing. I don't understand the last word.
"Infinite smells entered the brain, heart and soul,[as Snape was] absorbing, submitting the mind and…admiring its existence with all of it." Smells don't "admire," so the sentence needs another subject. The foregoing is just a suggestion.
"that [omit "that"] like graceful. . ."
"The thin sense of smell of the potion maker . . ." The word "thin" is confusing. If you mean "slight," that does not seem to follow, because a potion-maker, like a herbalist, would need a well-developed sense of smell. If you mean something else, the meaning is unclear; and you may wish to substitute a different word.
Dynamite ending. Altogether, this was a fascinating and well-written chapter. I can't think of a more difficult person inside of whose head to try to get than Voldemort, and you have done a remarkable job.Author's Response: thanx,
your reviews are extremly helpful...
lots of work to be done:-) Report Review
This is a really intriguing story. I like the set-up a lot. I also like the specificity with which you describe plant ingredients in your potion. I particularly liked the way you used Nagini at the end and the personality you gave to her; that was excellent.
I do feel very strongly, however, that this story could be much better than it is if you found a beta to proofread the chapters for you. You know where you are going, and you have a good story in mind.
Most of the issues that were originally set out below are with English usage. Unfortunately (or fortunately), the space limitations for reviews could not accommodate them, so I have sent you a PM with the complete version of this review.
Realizing that I am being repetitious: I suggest not using a plant as common as the Christmas Poinsettia (Christmas star). However, the use of flowers, as you plan to do in this story, has wonderful potential; and I applaud it.
I feel you have some really terrific things in this chapter. The character of Voldemort comes through, and you have drawn him beautifully, particularly through his snide reactions to Peter and his interaction with Nagini. Some of your descriptions are also nice. But they can all be much better with some help in achieving greater clarity with the language.Author's Response: thank you,
and great advices for me:-)
I'll put all my effort in this story Report Review
Oh, it's going well, to answer your question! I've never read anything like this before, and I'm most definitely intrigued by what I am reading.
I love the way you portray the relationship between Voldemort and Nagini: it seems the closest thing Voldemort has ever come to loving a person; the love for his snake. It's very twisted and intriguing. I also like the way he doesn't underestimate the magical value of flowers; it seems just like the Voldemort we meet in JKR's books to have some kind of evil plan involving some kind of magic that is unknown to most. I'm really excited to figure out how it goes for Severus, what is happening, what all of this means...
Wow, I don't really have anything constructive to say, do I? Well, in a sense praise can be constructive because it tells you to keep on going in the direction you're headed. And please do, by all means.
I'm loving this story.Author's Response: Ahh! Thank you again, I'm more happy now.
I was so worried with this story...:0) Report Review
Hey there, I'm swinging in with your review :)
This is very interesting! I love your writing style... It's deep, mysterious, intricate and wonderfully worded. I also have to give you kudos on this idea: I love the idea of Voldemort regaining his youth and coming back to get Potty & co. I can't wait to read more.
The pace is good, it doesn't move too fast or too slow. At places I was struggling a little bit to interpret who were saying what and what was happening, but there was nothing completely incomprehensible I needed to draw your attention to.
Oh, except for:
But his warmth and summer's aroma couldn’t fight with the gloominess of this place. // this, surely, not his :) Haha, I had the vivid mental image of a Voldemort smelling like sweet summer and coconut lotion.
Congratulations with a wonderful introduction to your story. I will indeed read on to find out what happens next!Author's Response: thank you for reviewing,
I'm very happy now^^:-) Report Review
hey so i am back again :)
Okay i do this magic from within all the different flowers it ties deeply into the subject of herbology and it's improtance doesn't it. it makes me think that maybe the young Tom Riddle was fan of that particular subject.
There were a few grammar mistakes but just little things like commas and whatnot, just a quick scan over should get them. i also thing in the suggestion of imporving that more description would have been good. especially after speech, maybe like emotional description.
Otherwise it was a good chapter i can't wait to se what becomes of Volemort/Tom Riddle
Steph @0o0@Author's Response: thank you! Sometimes I miss some things when I write...need to work on that. Report Review
And i am back. hehe
Okay i liked this as well it was better than the last in terms of description, although it still might do with a little more like with Lucius' fear or Voldemort.
i love the whole Voldemort theme, i do think however that he cherished Naigini and would not have snapped at her nor treated her like a slave, she always seemed superior to the other Death Eaters only a rung down on the ladder to Voldmeort himself.
You definately answered my question about Dumbeldore recognising him. i really like this, i do hope that you will request again sometimes for the next chapter and any that come after it.
Steph @0o0@Author's Response: thank you again!
yeah, I will try to request next chapter to you Report Review
Hey this is Ariana from the forums
So i liked this the pure evil and cunning of his one and only dark lord. lol. Maybe it is because teenage Tom Riddle is my favourite character.
i didn't see any grammar and or spelling mistakes that i could point out to you. i think maybe a little more description would have been good in some parts so that i could have really got the feeling for the scene.
Other than that it was good. Will he become himself when he is younger, like look exactly like himself? if he does going to Hogwarts would be tricky wouldn't it, i mean Harry and Dumbledore both know what he looks like. But then again this is AU.
Off to the next chapter
Steph @0o0@Author's Response: thank you for the review!
Im very glad:-) Report Review
I like the descripition that you have here in this chapter. It added more depth to the thinking and understanding. I like it.Author's Response: thanks a lot! Report Review
I like how you have the start of this story. No grammatical or spelling errors as far as I can tell. Very good.Author's Response: thank you^.^ Report Review
I like how you're making Nagini understood through Voldemort's parseltongue. It's cool to know what she is saying. I was a little confused a first. Feel free to request more reviews when you update ^_^Author's Response: thank you again,
I will Report Review
I like how you portray Voldemort. It's very canon. i'm eager to see what will happen next. The idea for your story is very unique. Off to read the next chappie ^_^Author's Response: thank you, the next chapter is coming soon Report Review
Hmm... I felt like Voldy is a bit OOC here, he was like an old woman talking with Nagini about old family recipes, and how to cook/brew it. LOL But I love it, I love the chapter! It's really interesting to find out about Voldy's plan. Is the slash warning referring to Tom/Harry? Please continue! :DAuthor's Response:
Yes, there will be Tom/Harry,
thank you Report Review
Hi, so here's the review you requested! :D
A wonderful beginning! I lurve your descriptions, it's excellent! I think that's your greatest strength. I love the idea that Voldemort is going to transform into his young self to "understand" Harry Potter and why he can't destroy him! I love the plot! :D So now that the potion is brewed, Voldemort is really to drink it!Author's Response: thank you! a lot! Report Review
Yes! Continue, as soon as you can!Author's Response: yes, I'm currently watin' for my next chapter validation and worki' on my next one.
thank you! Report Review
I really like your story. Please, continue it. Your writing is very intresting
big hopes for the next chapter!Author's Response: thank you,
of course, I will continue Report Review
Hey! I was just wondering, since I do devote my time to checking over your story, could you maybe, somewhere mention that this story is beta-ed by gocnocturna? It's like with banners, you credit the creators of banners, you credit the betas of stories. Thanks. :)Author's Response: hey,
of course I do,
thank you a lot for beta-ing my story! Report Review
I like this so far and am intrigued by your premise. However, I do suggest that you get a beta. Your grammar, spelling, and word choices make it difficult to follow the story even though it is clear that your writing is good. Even the best stories are a turn-off when you have to work so hard to figure out what the writer was intending for a sentence to mean.Author's Response: thank you,
yes, i found beta, i'm waiting for a validation of my corrected chapter now. Report Review
Erm.. It's a little confusing and you need to concentrate a lot while reading it, but I really like where this is going. Well doneAuthor's Response: thank you
yes, i have a problem here, my writing is confusing...
i'm working on it now, i found beta
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