I like it, except i think ali is a not so nice word at the moment :p, shes a potter she should not be a slytherin and she should certainly not get so upset about it. what is wrong with this chick. good job so far :)Author's Response: Just because Alli is a Potter doesn't mean she has to follow in the same steps as Harry and Harry's parents. She's her own person too so just keep that in mind. I'm glad you are enjoying my story though! I enjoy reading reviews so please let me know what you think! Thanks!
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So sad :( But really good!!! Great writing and emotionsAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it! And thank you for taking the time to review.
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Another good one! Getting very intriguing.Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!! Report Review
Wow! Grabs your attention from the first word and doesn't let go! Great writing, great imagination!Author's Response: Thank you! Report Review
Great caption with the readers attention... I was really amazed at how they were so alike..Author's Response: Thanks again for your review! Report Review
Falling into your mystery story. Its nice how Harry shows up. Keep on and surprise me with more. The beginning just sinks you all into the story..Author's Response: Yay! I'm so glad you liked the hook. Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Good overall. However, character behavior seems uncharacteristic in some places. Additionally, Dudley's description of Allison seems unnecessary and showy.Author's Response: Mmk. I've gotten a lot of people saying that about Dudley's reaction. I kind of just wanted to try and make it humorous but at the same time kind of the way it comes about. But thank you for the review!
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A good write. Characters act believably and story is original without being over the top. Interested to see where this goes.Author's Response: :) I'm so glad you liked it. I hope you enjoy the rest of the story! Report Review
this is awesome!
I love this story cause my name is in it, haha.
I hope you are adding more, its a chilling cliffhanger!Author's Response: Hahaha. Yeah that's funny that you're name is in it. lol. And I am adding more I just have to wait for it to be validated. Report Review
I hope your planning to add on to this story. I like it :)Author's Response: Haha yes. It's almost finished! Report Review
this is fucking amazing, keep up the good work.Author's Response: Hahaha! Thanks. I'm really glad you're enjoying it. I absolutely love writing it. It's so fun and like getting reviews makes me smile. Thanks for taking the time to review. :)
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oh whats gunna happen sry i sound like a freak im eating chocolate and it makes me hyper lolAuthor's Response: Haha. It's okay. Chocolate makes me hyper too. And you'll see what's gonna happen I just posted the next chapter so give it a few days and it'll be up. :) Thanks for reading! Report Review
aw poor Ginny but i hope something clicks in either Allis head or Dracos head that things need to change but love the storyAuthor's Response: I'm so glad you like it. I work really hard on my stories and I love getting reviews. So thank you. Haha. I'm posting another chapter right now. So after a couple days it'll be up. Report Review
Ahahaha, i love this story...
So far it is really great!
I love this part:
“This doesn't make any sense,” Harry told her.
“Does anything in your life ever make sense?” Allison reminded him.
* I added you and this story to my faveroites...
Im readin gyour next chapters now (:Author's Response: cool haha. thanks for your review. i'm really glad you like it! Report Review
Again.I loved it ! keep writing very enetertaining..
xAuthor's Response: :) Thank you. I really appreciate your review. Keep reading! Report Review
I abselutly was laughing all the way throuh this, I also loved your previous chapter! VERY humerous and witty...clap clap to you.
xAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you like it.
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really interesting first chapter!!Author's Response: Merci. I really need to get working on re-writing the rest of the chapters. haha. Report Review
Ah ha! So she's a Slytherin, eh? Nice twist. I like how she and Harry have an almost twin-like connection, even with all of their differences. I also like the witty banter in this chapter when Harry and Alli first arrive at the burrow. :)Author's Response: Thanks. If you have any further comments just email me and i can revise the chapter. If not, go me! Report Review
Great continuation and development of the plot. The chapter is well written and I like the dialogue between the characters. I do find it a little hard to believe that they all seem rather accepting of Alli being Harry's cousin. Typically, I think Hermione would be a bit more suspicious and Draco wouldn't be as attracted to her. He most likely would have been more repulsed once he found out she was a Potter. That would actually add some interesting conflict into your story if Draco starts falling for her despite Alli being related to Harry. Something to consider but overall it was a pretty good chapter.Author's Response: Thanks for the review and for the time you took out to read this chapter. Report Review
The story is progressing nicely. Your story flow is very good. You don't rush too much with the details. But what kinda has me wondering is how Harry is so accepting of Allison. He just lets her, a stranger, spend the night? I would think Harry would be a bit more suspicious since he doesn't have much proof she is his cousin. It may be something to consider.Author's Response: I'm actually reworking this entire story right now. So everything should be changing very soon. Report Review
Hi there! It's Muinthil from the forum with your review! I like your intro paragraph. It works to grab the reader's attention and to get your plot moving from the start. Keep an eye on Allison though. She seems to be rather Mary Sue and you will find many readers tend to not like that. I think the biggest part that makes her a Mary Sue is how she also has a scar and survived Voldemort. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but you may find some reviewers commenting on the same thing. Also, I noticed some very minor grammar and spelling errors but nothing really big. I suggest getting a beta if you don't already have one!Author's Response: Thanks. I just got a beta so she's helping me with everything. Report Review
I like the way you write the Dursleys, haha! I also like that Harry and Alli are developing a sort of temperamental friendship. :)Author's Response: That's good. And yes they start to build it, but as I am revising I'm going to try and get them to build on it more as the story goes on as Harry starts getting pushed out of the story because of Alli and Draco's relationship. Report Review
Hey! I really like this so far. I've never read a story with any OC relatives of Harry before; I think it's got potential :) I'm checking out the other version right now, heehee...Author's Response: Thanks so much, lifyndra. I love ur beta-readingness. It's awesome. Report Review
Okay second last review
No major problems with spelling and grammar. Pay attention to punctuation.
The one thing you need to focus on is characterization. Harry is far angrier than he is in the book. He does have occasional strops, but he doesn’t get angry at everything. Maybe say his lines to yourself, and then compare them to the books. The thing is, it would be okay if he was an OC, but as he is a Canon character you should try and make him true to the books. Allison is an interesting character to read. The other characters were done better in this chapter.
The plot is picking up now! It’s interesting so far, and it’s not as cliche as it could easily be. However, I’m finding it hard to swallow the fact that Draco Malfoy would immediately kiss Allison on the hand, especially after he finds out who she’s related to. It just doesn’t fit in with his character, and his prejudice towards Harry.
Again, try and add some more description. It really makes a story come to life when it has well-written description, and it gives a good idea of the setting.
The dialogue was still believable for the most part. As I mentioned before, I still don’t totally believe the romance between Allison and Draco.
So, this chapter was fine, but try and work on the things I pointed out.Author's Response: Yeah that makes sense. Thanks. Report Review
Hey, it’s me again!
Pay attention to tenses. You switched between third and first person a couple of times. You had a couple of sentences which should have been broken up with commas, but apart from that, everything was okay.
I think the main thing you should focus on is the characterization of canon characters. The characterization of your OC is fine, she’s a well rounded character, and as she’s your own, she can be what you want. However, with canon characters, think about how they behave in the books. Then think about how your Harry compares to J.K Rowling’s Harry. Also, none of the characters in the book swear very much. And pay attention to minor canon characters, as well. The Dursleys are a little out of character.
The plot seems to be flowing well, so far. Each scene feels in place. Always remember to focus on showing, not telling. You’ve done this quite well, so far, but try not to state the obvious. It’s a lot better if you can portray this through dialogue and description.
This is quite a short chapter, and I think you could have used some more description to set the scene, and really frame the chapter. The setting of the scene at the beginning was lovely, and it would have been nice for that to continue.
The dialogue was sharp and quite humorous. It’s naturalistic, although sometimes I think parts of dialogue didn’t suit the character who was speaking.
All in all, a good chapter, but pay attention to characterization and description.Author's Response: Characterization seems to be my weakness in this. So I may just end up rewriting the entire story revising things here and there and adding paragraphs or different dialogue. Report Review
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