Reading Reviews for The Shadows Within
  
3 Reviews Found

Review #1, by chillychick95 Shocking News

17th April 2008:
Your evil. A cliffie, and a big one! You mean litte!

Okay the first thing was do you have a beta? Because there were a couple of errors and you should get a beta because you often miss things when reading back over your own story. It's always good to have someone reading over your shoulder.

Secondly its soo hard to believe that a sword wielding 14 year old would kindly oblige to being put into a yellow corsetted dress. It just seems to strange. And the diamonds? 3 minutes ago she was holding a sword.just think about that.

Lastly before I leave you *cries because the story's just getting interesting* I just think it's altogether fast that this Prince falls in love with her that fast. For a tom boy she's too quiet! Make her more spontaneous. Heart broken after all she did just leave her village. She has no idea where she is except for some random castle! This needs to be believable so make sure you look at that again-for me!

Great Story! Chilly xx
PS: When you update, please repost on my Review thread because I really want to read more!

Author's Response: Yeah, I do have a beta; I'll send this over to her. I'm sort of a tomboy and I know how she wouldn't oblige to wearing a dress that easily.

I will post when I've updated (next chapter was posted a couple of days ago ;)


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Review #2, by chillychick95 The Beginning

17th April 2008:
Hi.

Let's get some things straight. This is a wizarding village trying to keep quiet so things don't get out of hand. All of a sudden the King comes and burns it down. Aha

Okay. You didn't give me a context. I have no idea of the time or place really other than England. More description.

Scarlet. What does she look like> It's a little strange that she would say to her teacher exactly what she was thinking of. It's even weirder that her father would allow her to fight...

Her father...One push to the ground wouldn't kill him...that's impossible. Unless he was really old. But Scarlet is only 14 so it's really impossible for him to be over say 50.

I'll keep reading now...

Author's Response: Oh, i didn't realise I lacked so much in discription. I will most likely go back over it soon; and then hand it to my beta.

Her father hit his head on the ground; he died of a hemeridge


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Review #3, by Clare Roy The Beginning

12th April 2008:
Oh, I can't believe you don't have any reviews! Your plot is really original; the whole idea of Scarlet being brought to the king's court is great.

Your whole first paragraph is wonderful-- it really drew me in. You've some strong descriptions too, although you might want to work on the dialog a bit. Some of it sounded forced, like: "No father. If the men are destroyed, they’ll search for the women and children. No one would be safe. And you know me. I’d rather die fighting than running.”

But you also have some great dialog, such as "Lead them to the paddocks and let them refresh," Just make sure to keep your characters' words believable.

The only paragraph I had a question about is this: "
The soldier holding Scarlet dragged her towards the King’s horse which had just been brought out. He lifted her up and placed her on the horse. The soldier tied Scarlet’s hands together, and then gave the rope to the Queen. His face was pale. He didn’t like what was happening." I was a bit confused about who the "he" was.

Of course, since the village is magical, I have to ask-- why didn't they just use a spell to stop to stop the soldiers and get back Scarlet? But then again, this is your story-- I just hope it'll come out later.

I know this is a really long review, but I hope it helped. You have a good start (and lovely banner)! ^_^

~ Clare

Author's Response: thankyou. In that paragraph that doesn't make sense, I sorta stuffed up ;) I may just get my beta to look over it :)

thanks for the review


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