I liked it. I expected more passion though. You're very into the idea of Hermione and Harry taking things slow and being weary of getting it on. But yeah in general I liked it.
~MegAuthor's Response: i guess it's because, personally, i'm rather cautious in relationships and move into them slowly, and this transcends into the story as well. Report Review
Great finish! Love it!
I was wondering what they were going on about, and I love how you made everything become clearer in the end.. you know? Working your way up, building a GREAT climax and then... the anticlimax. 10/10!Author's Response: thank you, that's so kind of you! this was actually one of my first ever HHr stories so that means just about the world to me to hear! Report Review
Absolutely fantastic! I was, to put simply, wonderful. You hit all the right spots, used all the right emotions ... spectacular! - MBWAuthor's Response: aw thank you, you're really much too kind, i appreciate your words more thna you could possibly imagine. Report Review
Like father ,like son.Author's Response: coudlnt agree with you more ;) Report Review
Heyy, you asked me to review this a while ago [Lexiie-Lou's Reviews on the Forum] Sorry i havent been able to review up until now!
Anyways, i saw this challenge and i was going to take part, as i love the sins and virtues. However, i already have a story and i really wanted to continue with that, and i thought about it, and it seemed quite a hard challange to me
But i thought you really pulled this one off! I like how in this story, it's not just about Harry getting everything he wants, and you just showing that. I like how you have him following Hermione and trying to pursuade her
I really really enjoyed this story, and bare in mind i never usually go for HHr, it has to be one of my favourites on hpff!
It was really well written and i hope it does well in the challenge, because it deserves it!
10/10 Lexie xAuthor's Response: oh wow, i really dont know what to sya, you've left me utterly speechless, thank you! you really are too kind... god you have no lue how much i'm blushing right now lol... Report Review
Hey cosmo! I'm here to review at last :)
Okay I'm not a Harry/Hermione shipper but I thought this was pretty decent. I think you fleshed out their romance very nicely by displaying all of the angsty emotions and turbulence that came at the beginning of the relationship, and how they argued all the time. Hermione is very fiery in your story - she almost reminds me of Ginny, which is kind of interesting because that's who Harry ends up with in canon. People are always pairing Harry up with a sassy woman :) I like how they ended up together and reconciled at the end; that was really sweet.
My main problem is that the entire story is in italics. That annoys me often, and I realize that you wanted to separate the narrative from Harry's personal reflections, but since there is so much less reflection, why not make the real story in normal text and put his thoughts into italics? That would save you the trouble of bolding words that you want to emphasize, something you should save italicization for.
Saw quite a few grammar mistakes but here are some that jumped out at me:
"joining her in watching the Ron and Luna make their way around the dance floor" (the word "the" doesn't belong before Ron and Luna)
“Hi,” she monotonously said (I get what you're trying to say but monotonous is not usually describing dialogue; how about "she said in a monotone")
"It started out that way, her slowly becoming more and more aggravated by me" (incorrect grammar; how about "It started out that way, Hermione becoming more and more aggravated by my mere presence")
Anyway hope I helped, you did a good job for the most part and I think the piece has tons of potential. :) Nice work!Author's Response: idk i always found Hr to be an extremely fiery personality, so i guess that's why i portrayed her in that manner, it's just how i always precieved her.
as for the text i can totally see where you're comign from and will deffinitley do that ASAP!
thank you so much for all of your commentary, i really appreciate it! Report Review
Hey, its BooK~WorM!
Ha, He chuckled lightly, bringing a hand to her face as he caressed it lightly. “Don’t worry love, I ever do act like a wanker you have full permission to hex me.”
She scoffed. “As if I ever needed your permission for that one.” I like that part. Although this entire story is a little confusing, because you dont use their names that much, it's also really good - better. I like how Ron and Luna got together, I always see those two liking each other when I go away from canon. Everyone stays pretty much in their charactors too.
:)Author's Response: lol, so glad to hear that you enjoyed that section, it's great to hera what people particularily took to when reading a piece! Report Review
This is weird, I have logged in but I still appear logged out. Anyway, chiQs09 from the forums here. :)
Now to your story:
I always have to comment on the description and writing style of the writer first! Because this is what comes to my mind when I read amazing stories. I've read plenty H/Hr before, and I am still enjoying reading stories of them. Thanks for sharing yours.
I think this piece was somehow sad and heartwrenching, and the way you showed Harry's weaknesses... and Hermione's. Good job!
But what was somehow distracting were the bold words you put emphasis on. Dunno... I would write them in either all capital letters (like they were shouting them) or just don't italicize them.
chiQs09Author's Response: so glad to hera that you enjoyed it and i really appreciate that you commented on those formattign errors, i will definitley look inot fixing that! Report Review
Hey, cosmo! :) Thanks so much for taking the time to submit this piece in my challenge. I really appreciate it!
You did such a lovely job with this piece! I've never been one to read Harry/Hermione stories, but this was very well constructed and extrememly interesting. I love how you really brought out Harry's flaws - and Hermione's for that matter. I would have loved to see a bit more about how Harry acted selfish. You said that he had been acting that way over and over again, but I didn't see too many examples of that worldly life that had sucked him in.
Really nice job, though. The last line was positively adorable. Thanks again for entering! xoxo, nana_banana_xx3Author's Response: well thank you for having accepted it!
i'm glad to ehar that you found it "lovely" and i can totally understand where you're coming from in regards to how he was greedy. while i did have hermioen discuss it i can see how actually seeing him do it could have emphasized the point in a far more effective manner
thank you for reviewing! Report Review
wow, that was amazing. I ADORED the long, flowing details. *chills* very good. this was a very intriguing story, it was absolutely amazing. and I liked your writing style. it's very original, very unique. and DEFINITELY all you! You have a lot of talent as a writer. I loved the quote at the beginning too. basically, if you haven't gotten the idea yet, I loved the entire thing. it was EXTRAORDINARILY TERRIFIC!!! OUTSTANDINGLY FANTASTIC!!! JUST WONDERFUL! You totally get a 10/10. Great job!Author's Response: aw thank you, you're really much too kind, i dont even know if i deserve such compliments (but i'll be more than willign to accept them ;) lol) Report Review
Okay, first of all I just wanted to tell you that this was a really good story! You really kept me guessing how it was going to end. The ending would have to be my favorite part :) That was really... cute.
Anyway, I did notice that you had quite a few spelling and grammer errors. Sometimes I saw that you either forgot to add a word in a sentence, or simply added a word that didn't belong.
Here's just an example:
"month after wedding,"
-You seem to have forgotten the word 'the', which I'm sure you know and just made a small mistake. Everyone usually does that, so it's nothing to really worry that much about.
But I do suggest going back to try and fix all the spelling and grammer mistakes. It would probably make the story better to read if you didn't have the mistakes.
Besides those things though, the story was great! I really enjoyed it! 9/10Author's Response: aw thank you, i'm so glad that you enjoyed it!!!
p.s. thanks for the notes on my grammatical errors as i didnt have a beta to go through this so that'll really help me with fixing the fic Report Review
Well done, in what could have happened. Given Harry's life up to DH, I could see it as a real possibility. I think you did a fine job in capturing the tension between them.
If this goes up for the "Forgive My Guilt" challenge, I'd be pretty hard pressed to top it. - BKLAuthor's Response: aw, you're really much too kind
and good luck with your submission, i'd live to read it so please do PM me when you post it Report Review
awwwe glad he stopped being a wanker and saw what was right in front of him all along. His Hermione. Great chapter.Author's Response: it was actually a one-shot lol
but i'm glad that you're glad that he finally saw what was in front of him all along! Report Review
Hi, this is queen_luna from the review forum!
"It means exactly what I've been telling you for the past year Harry, what you've only started to pay an inking of attention to a month ago."
--I think you meant "inkling" not "inking."
"He chocked slightly"
--Choked is spelled like that. :)
"Don’t worry love, I ever do act like a wanker you have full permission to hex me."
--You're missing "if"
Okay, enough of that stuff...
That was some really good writing. I can't imagine Harry being a "narcissistic pillock" (LoL!) but your descriptions totally made me believe it. I like Hermione's character a lot too. AMAZING one-shot. :)Author's Response: wow, you certainly are a well-roudned reviewer, i am so glad that i came to you for assistance lol!
anyway, as far as youre ocomments go, any grammatical one's cannot even be argued given that i ahve serious issues with typos and word doesnt seem to catch half of them (damn lol) and it seems as if no matter how many times i go through a fic i seem to miss somethign :( lol
but i'm really glad that you were able to enjoy it regardless as i am aware of the fact that it is extremely AU in the sense that... well harry is a "narcissistic pillock" lol, so the fact that you were able to ffind soemthing likable regardless of the fact that i semi-ddestroyed the honorable image of harry means so much to me! Report Review
Hello, sorry that it took so long to review, but my life is... busy, to say the least.
This is some great piece of work, really. You really did a great job characterizing the sin. You not only portrayed greed by Hermione's words of what Harry was doing that kept them apart, but you also made we see that he couldn't stand for the fact that someone didn't like him, specially if this one was Hermione. He really did everything to get what he wanted.
I don't doubt that he really came to his senses in the end, that he would give up everything to be with the only true thing around him.
You put some pretty true thing in this story: Harry's life was probably empty after the war, everything he experienced in the wizarding world had to do with Voldemort since his first year, now that Voldemort is gone, what's left for him? And also the fact that people can really drown in this world of glory and favors when they have nothing better to hold at, it's a easy path and it's really hard to get away from that and usually, when they find out where that path has taken them, they have no true friends around them anymore.
Just loved it!
~~Little Bibi~~Author's Response: oh please, i totally understand, and would have had you reviewed a month later, life gets in the way (in fact it's better that way, means you at least have a life, no? ;) lol)
anyway, i am so glad that you could see some truth to my logic as i know that usually people take the harry goes away to find himself route after the war (or he becomes an auror and lives happily ever after). but, for many of us, after finishing one chapter in our lives, we are often confronted by this daunting idea of what's next. while the world is so full of oppertunities that's usually the scary part, b/c how do you knwo which one si the right one for you (scary paradox lol). so harry got pulled into that lime light, and, in reality, no matter how humble or good a person may be they can fall suspect to that lime light, which is why i'm so glad that you came up with this challenge as it was such a great catalyst. when i saw it i was suddenly accosted by tons of ideas, but that one was one that really manifested-- one that i really enjoyed exploring
so thank you, and glad that you were able to enjoy reading it-- means so much since you provided me with a premise that i just adored writing Report Review
That was great! love the last line becasue its so true!~
B.D.AAuthor's Response: aw thank you, i'm so glad to hear that you thought so! Report Review
I like that! Great workAuthor's Response: aw thank you so much, ir eally appreciate that! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection