Hello, Sorry I took so long in getting to this *hugz* Ok. First order of business. I truthfully think that you should consider renaming this fic. 'The Fanfic' doesn't really strike me as a suitable title and it wouldn't exactly draw readers in^_^.
I didnt find any real spelling mistakes but there are format issues. After a full stop, you have two spaces before the next sentence, making it look a bit confusing. One space is required. Also the paragraphs are spaced awkwardly, making it hard to read in some spots.
The dialogue flows really well in my opinion so cudos to you =D I hate writing dialogue. You do use the word 'proceed' quite a bit. It has a very strong and interesting plot so far.
All I would suggest, is getting a Beta to proof read this fic and correct all of the grammatical and formatting issues. In the forums, there is a thread to request a Beta or you can shoot me a pm. I know a site for the purpose of finding a Beta called Aqui Para Usted. I'll review the last chapter now or piont out anything I see in the others!
kay~Author's Response: First of all, thank you very much for your input. I really can't think of a good name for this story, so the title of "The Fanfic" is essentially a placeholder for when I think up a groundbreaking spectacular title.
You're right about the paragraph spacing. Appologies. I'll stop being lazy and actually delete the spaces after copying and pasting it from Word from now on.
I'll definitely look into getting a Beta for the story, as soon as all the chapters are upped. Report Review
As good as this chapter is, and as extraordinary as the flow, style, and progression in descriptions are--I'm going to have to warn you that the ego wafting has been concluded, and I'm going to serve you a bit more constructive critique.
I've already given you my concerns about Connor in my previous review, and your writing style moves along SO well to the point where most readers would hardly notice anything wrong. But how would ANYONE, Slytherin or not--be able to perform that level of magic and NOT get detected, especially since he's at Hogwarts?
*How would Connor be able to perform a level of legilimancy that exceeds normal expectations at such a young age? How would he be able to gather that much discipline and focus?
*(I'm an avid characterization-scanner); Why would Draco be so willing to obey Connor's authority without questioning him, or finding a way to get a quirk to being Connor's right hand man somewhere down the line? Draco's a sneaky and a bit of a rebellious character when it comes to situations that he's familiar with, so I'm a bit surprised that he didn't bother trying to curse Connor into oblivion when he realized that his role as "top dog" was so easily taken away. If this was your intention, as I've noticed that you've been taking steps to doing--you may want to provide a few seconds of back information here.
*How can Connor apparate undectected? He's 11 years old and on Hogwarts grounds. Apparating at this age, and in general for students under Hogwarts's magical barriers is strictly prohibited. More explanations are needed here in regards to 'how' this is possible.
Other than that, I was pretty delighted to see how much you've grown from your last chapter. To be honest, I thought that I was reading a completely different story xD
This was a true sweet for me, story wise.
As for general critique for you:
1) Always pay attention to depth with intense emotions.
2) Always consider the "How's, When's, and Why's" when you're mentioning that a character is doing something that's unconventional to the HP -Universe.
3) Add description every once in a while to dialogue.
4) Provide background information to random, or rough transitions between situations and characters.
5) Make sure that Connor doesn't dominate every situation that he encounters without 'at least' a bit of a fight, or retaliation from whomever he's fighting.
The bad boys can't always win ;)
~Chappe Author's Response: Hmm, it wasn't my intention to suggest that Connor used aparation in this chapter. I guess it could have been mistaken at the part where Connor obeyed Hanna and went back to his room. But I intended him to just walk back.
But on that note, I believe house elves can aparate within Hogwarts grounds.
And yes, I've definitely been having troubles on transitions between situations and characters.
Thank you once again for your insightful review. Report Review
I liked the flow here, as always. I see that there's a spirit of a comedian and a philosophe somewhere in you :D I enjoyed the brother and sister like connection between Connor and Hanna. You've established a distinct connection between them early and in a simple, but close knit way to the point where I doubt that any reviewer would question it.
Yet--Connor is the only thing that I can question here.
I understand that the boy's been trained by an elf, and one even trained by one of the most powerful of witches in Europe, but for an 11 year old, I think that you've loaded him down with too many personality and magical quirks to really have him 'develop' as a character in later chapter.
*In stories where an original character has lost a parent or guardian as a young child or an infant; they usually develop a void in which there's a sense of withdrawl rather than engagement to society in them as a character. Then again, you could have easily used Hanna to fill that void for him (in that case, you can disregard this), but in my opinion, I feel as if Connor isn't affected enough by his mother's death. If there's a reason for that passiveness to 'death' in general with him as a character, you may want to explore that with him and provide a few explanations as to why.
*His magical abilities bother me a bit. He's 11, and can apparate without detection? He can perform spells 3 to 5 years above average, holds a powerful wand, has that same quality running through his veins; and is STILL expected to attend school when he's apparently been taught everything that he needs to know about average levels of magic? It's almost a filler if he has to attend school if Hanna's taught him everything in his year, and a few years above it.
^You've loaded him down with impressive qualitities, yes. But you need to add flaws to him as well. From what I can gather, he's passive to his mother's death, is a parseltongue (which is odd if you don't explain how this quirk is connected to his family line), VERY gifted in magic at a young age, and has a care free, intelligent, and insightful personality for someone who's only been given his mother's and Hanna's psychological foundation as an individual---Meaning: That he needs to have room for downfalls.
*Next is the dialogue. I enjoy the dialogue's content, but I'm wondering if some of your readers may become confused by its lack of connection to WHOM its coming from. Even its a small, eensy thing, for later chapters, I'd just suggest to add (for every few dialogue pieces 3 - 5), provide a set of who's saying what, then you can branch off into your straight dialogue/no end description style. It's a fun way to go, you just need to make sure that you relax it into describing where its coming from.
Otherwise, alongside those gaps and terrific styles, I couldn't find anything else amiss.
Good job =]Author's Response: Once again, thank you for the great in depth review. You're right, after writing the first book and re-reading it, I sort of thought I might have made Connor a little too powerful. But there's a good reason why he's at a level beyond others, which I think would be a good area for me to explore in the second book. I've also been thinking up flaws to add to my OCs. Report Review
First of all *tips hat*,
I'd like to thank you for letting me read such a well written and straight forward chapter. I enjoyed the fact that you didn't have any problem laying out a structure for the rest of your story imbedened in the first chapter--(most people are prone to separating them into different chapters). Your characterizations of Voldemort and your own original characters were realistic, and were crafted well enough to the point where I could actually visualize them as true individuals, rather than characters.
What I've liked most out of everything--is your STYLE. You give me the impression that you're either a natural writer who can provide themselves with enough mental critique to shape their story along, or you've been taught well by someone who knows how to assure that a sentence or paragraph in a story has the 'right' amount of flow so the reader doesn't get distracted.
However, I did come across a few "What?"-moments that had me question the following:
1) This chapter was a brilliant piece of writing and (from what I could tell) was meant to be stricken with intense emotion--Through out this entire chapter, you've seemed to have emphasized the simple flow of dialogue + action, with 'little' explanation and emphasis on the emotions in depth of your characters. You've skimmed across the surface when it comes down to the emotion that bubbles within your characters. The best way to correct this is to--Before you continue on to describe the next chracter's sequence (take a step back for a moment, and if its either anger, rage, mourning, loss, etc)--use more descriptions that emphasize that emotions -the causes/effects/aftermaths/etc to connect with your audience better. Overall: Needs more depth, rather than action, a small description, and dialogue to mask it.
2) "The Potters Bar Golf Club"--What is this exactly? And if I'm not totally misreading this (lmao if I'm wrong), why would Meg want Hanna to transport herself here?
3) How can Hanna speak parseltongue? Who taught her? And how did Meg manage to place Hanna into classes--when I'm sure that they're normally not available? More explanation is needed here.
4) The diary. To be honest, when I first read this little part, I considered this to be an extremely unique aspect of this chapter. However, with something as off the wall with this and since some of your readers are going to know that Voldemort's diary was transformed into a horcrux in the earlier stages of his life, rather than as one of his final horcruxes. Again, it's a really unique thing that you're using the diary here, I was just a bit curious to see if you'd provide a few safe-guard explanations to deflect some of the "that wouldn't be possible"-arguments that people may bring to you on that note.
Overall, you've got a story with a lot of potential for growth here. You've done an excellent job with every compliment that I've pointed out to you.
Author's Response: First off, I would like to thank you for providing a very insightful review. I will most definitely try implementing your suggestions (starting book 2). I'll definitely try adding more explanations in my work from now on.
The Potter Bar Golf Club actually exist in Hertfordshire, England. I wanted to use actual places, so I looked at the map around London and found this place. There was no reason for Meg to want Hanna to go there, other than pick up supplies. I just thought it would be a neat coincidence if Meg decided to use a place who's name is associated with someone able to take down Voldemort in the future.
Hanna knows how to speak parseltongue because Meg taught her. I guess I should have explained that. I plan to put more background in this field in the second book.
OOPS about the diary being his first horcrux. DOH! Ah well, too late to fix that. Let's just say that in this alternate universe, Voldemort transformed his diary into his final horcrux. Report Review
Its sounds like it is on track... but it wasn't really my cup of tea. I couldn't really conjure up much of the imagery, and that is what I think you have to work on a bit. Similes, metaphors every now and then really bring things a long way. But besides that, you have a nice story going for you.Author's Response: Hmm, never thought of using those before. Thanks. Will definitely try to use more of those in the future. Report Review
So Conner is a bad guy, figures
i'm going to put in a reccomendation in fan forum
others will like this storyAuthor's Response: Many thanks for recommending it to others. Report Review
Great going excellent invention of charactors and using house elves stroke of genius
Is this story going to be AU totally or just a little
cant wait for more
thanks for writingAuthor's Response: Don't worry, the amount of waiting time will only be limited to how fast the chapters get validated. Report Review
Great first chapter,Tom has a friend? that he kills, figures. Suspense full has me wanting more
I will review as i readAuthor's Response: Woot! My first review!
Thanks for your support. I'm glad you like my writing, and hope I can continue to meet and exceed your expectations. Book 1 is almost done. I have 1 or 2 more chapters to go, and am uploading them as they get validated. Report Review
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