Okay, firstly I would like to sincerely apologise for taking so long to review this. You requested a review back in February and here it is, May, and I am just getting round to reviewing. I am deeply, deeply sorry!
Now to the chapter!!
This is one of the best chapters I have ever read. Your characterisation was beautiful, your imagery and description were flawless and I think that this story is magnificent.
I loved the way you described Draco's emotions and thoughts, you kept him completely in character, but showed him in a whole new light. Spectacular, truly spectacular.
All I can say now is well done. Well done.
~Luna xxx Report Review
ohhh damn.stupid cliffs.
haha.update soon please!
ohhh wassup wit hermione!???
cant wait. :] Report Review
Wow. That's pretty much all I can say at the moment. Allow me to collect my thoughts and I shall elaborate, haha.
First off, you have such a way with words! The way you string them together, it seems effortless. I find that a lot of writer's grow accustomed to expressing something one way, so they always revert to that way when the need arises. But you have completely broken the mold and made this piece truly original. I just loved it.
Your characterization is perfect. Normally, I don't like Pansy as the grovelling-at-his-feet kind of girl, but you made it work. She said some very interesting things, which made her seem more real to me. And Draco as the cold statue with no emotions worked very well, especially at the end when he finally cracked a smile.
I'm very curious as to what is wrong with Hermione. I'm sad that you've killed off Ron - he's one of my favorites - but in this case, I'm not too sad, haha. I'm a huge fan of Dramiones, and if you need Ron out of the picture, what better way then to just get rid of him! (; Haha.
Sorry I couldn't provide any CC. I just can't find anything wrong with this chapter. 10/10 for you (this is one of the rare occasions that I would rate higher if I could) and this is going into my favorites. Please continue writing, you have a gift. Report Review
Here to fulfill your review request. I'l just review as I read.
1. Before you even start the story you explain in what kind of universe this is set, I don't think you need that. The story itself should explain those things.
2. As I read the story I also notice that almost all of what's in that a/n in the beginning is explained in the story.
3. You must have a very large vocabulary because most of the time you use different words to create variation in your sentences (And sometimes my vocabulary is lacking a bit;)
4. You described Dracos dislike for Pansy very well and I would imagine his comment about never wanting her touch again would really hurt, even though Pansy might not be the most sensitive person in the world she always seemed to have a soft spot for Draco and this was ultimately hurting to hear something like that.
5. This first chapter served very well as an apetizer for the rest of the story, the mentioning of Hermione makes the reader wonder what has happened there since they're suddenly connected in some way.
In general this was a well written first chapter, which seems promising for the rest of the story.
Hope this was useful to you
/D i a Report Review
This is a very interesting idea. I think it's great when people write AU stories, and this is very AU. There were some really good descriptions at the start when Draco was sitting alone. It was very easy to sympathize with him.
I really liked the tension between him and Pansy (Not a Pansy fan, myself). It was very clear from the beginning the way that Draco felt about her, which saved a lot of confusion that is often present in fanfiction.
I'm intrigued about this illness/injury Hermione has, though I was quite surprised that a house elf found a cure. Was it the elf, or was the elf speaking for the Order, or something? I found that a little unclear.
Overall, I thought you did a good job of your first Dramione fic. Keep up the good work and post another chapter soon!
NellieAuthor's Response: Hey ^_^
I'm glad you liked my descriptions, as I think the thing I like best too...lol
And it makes me happy that you think my AU story is good because I've never written one before. Usually I'm strictly a canon girl ^_^
Anyways, thanks for your encouraging words, and there may be an update soon.
Thanks again! Report Review
Very, nice, strong start to the story. Having Draco's parents dead makes Dramione seem very believable. You characterized Draco really well, one of the best Draco's I've seen I reckon. Great job. You're writing style is very beautiful, I really like it. If you want me to review the next chapter, pop on over and leave a post in my review thread.Author's Response: I find I need ways to justify a Dramione to myself...lol... being a Romione shipper!
And I'm so happy that you think my Draco was well-done. when I first started to write this I thought he may be a bit OOC. I'm glad you think he's not ^_^
Thank you so much for your lovely review, and I hope to see you for later chapters! Report Review
Hello there! Here to review your story finally. :)
As in all stories involving Draco and the women in his life, I find myself hating Pansy with her whining and her desperate need for attention from him. She is such an irritating character! I think your strongest point in this piece is definitely the characterization. Draco is very in character with his cold aloof manner. I would have liked some more development into his relationship with Pansy - for example, how did it begin to die? When did he realize that he couldn't stand to be with her anymore? What made him change his mind about her? Probably he never loved her, but there was a time when he accepted her presence near him, and I would have liked more depth on that. The thoughts and memories of the war that haunted him were great.
I'll be the first to admit that I am a grammar tyrant, and lots of grammar mistakes turn me way off. I saw many errors in this piece although it was really well-written, which was a kind of strange and different ambiguity I haven't really run into before! Haha :D Usually when there are a lot of mistakes, the piece is terribly written ... not so in your case. Still, I would clean it up to make it even better.
Here is a small sample of what I spotted:
"He was lost within his own, winding, trail of thought" (too many commas - you don't need them at all: "his own winding trail of thought")
"near-silence" (no dash needed; two separate words)
"Draco’s inert hostility tone forced Pansy to talk half a step back" (Not sure what you were going for here ... how about just "Draco's hostile tone"? Also, "forced Pansy to take")
"It was how he always looked at her; not like she didn’t exist, but like she was part of the furniture" (no semi-colon needed; use a dash here: "how he always looked at her - not like she didn't exist")
"you were always very eager to participate in an extra little physical activity" (sounds better as "a little extra physical activity")
"Driven by determination, and a need to avenge the death of his mother, Draco had been driven" (no need for the first comma after "determination"; also, "driven" is used twice in one sentence so pick a different word)
Well I hope I've helped you. Cleaning it up will vastly improve the flow and quality of the story. Good luck! :)Author's Response: Believe me, you have helped a lot...lol
I hate grammer, so having someone pick up on my mistakes is great, as I haven't properly edited through the chapter yet or skimmed through for mistakes.
Thanks for the review and your corrections, and I hope you read on!
^_^ Report Review
i loved it. it was a really great chap, but i wish it could have been longer, but netherless i loved it still.
10/10Author's Response: happy to see you like it, and I will try to go on for a bit longer next time...lol
Thanks ^_^ Report Review
Hello - just popping in to read your first chapter. :)
Draco seems really dark right now - almost over the top - but after suffering his mother's death by his father's hands, I'm sure that pushed him over the edge.
I'm curious why he regards Pansy in such a negative light (hmmm...) Again, I'm sure we'll find out a little later.
Wow... Harry and Hermione need a cure... hmmm, another mystery! :)
Okay ... there were only a couple of little things that I saw.
1. You have Pansy refer to the new house-elf as "Sissy" but in the next sentance (and the remainder of the chapter) her name become "Sicily". Is this a typo? Does Pansy not know the house-elf's name (or doesn't care)?
2. You make reference to Draco's "Dad" - Draco, to me, is a very proper person - albeit dark and brooding - but proper nonetheless, so I think he may think of Lucius as "Father" instead. Just a thought.
Other than that, it's coming along - I'm going to mark it so I can follow it! :)
Good job. Report Review
Inkismyworld from the forums here :)
This story is off to a promising start! Besides the fact that Dramione is one of my favorite couples- the interaction between Pansy and Draco kept me reading. Although thier was one sentence that caught my eye for potential correction:
"Draco, at this time, was in a particularly short mood, and wasn’t at all prepared for the overly enthusiastic ministrations of his current paramour."
The description " overly enthusiastic" doesn't seem to go with how she reacted to Draco in the passages before, she seemed rather meek and uncomfortable in his presence.
Anywho that was the only thing that stood out immediatly for me- but other then that best of luck! Report Review
I really love this sentence: Draco, at this time, was in a particularly short mood, and wasn’t at all prepared for the overly enthusiastic ministrations of his current paramour. And wow, this one is amazing: It was how he always looked at her; not like she didn’t exist, but like she was part of the furniture.
I really enjoyed this first chapter (and I think you meant to say in your author's notes that it's the _beginning_ of your first official Dramione fan fic, or something of sorts). Anyway, your language is very easy to read, flowing, wonderful and you don't use cliched sentences at all. Oh, here you have a misspelling: like fire burning though a block of impenetrable ice. It should probably be _through_. The only thing I found a little bit sad was the fact that you didn't explain in anyway why Draco dislikes Pansy. I kind of adore her, and to make him hate her just because this is a Dramione, isn't a very good way to put it. But if there is a story behind it, a real story, then it's okay, of course. Anyway, a very intriguing and well-structured story. Good work.Author's Response: Wow. Such a detailed review. Thank you very much ^_^
I'll be sure to change that spelling mistake, and you'll be glad to know that there are reasons Pansy is disliked. For now, anyway.
You may even find her striking up strange friendships with certain people...
Hope you read on! Report Review
I really like draco/hermione, so I'm glad I started to read this :)
So far, I think its amazing.
I mean, your description is so wonderful, and I can really feel the tension between Pansy and Draco, so congrats for that.
I can't wait to read more, so update soon, okay?
11/10 Report Review
Hey there! Wow, that was really interesting. It was certainly not what I expected.
You had fantastic imagery and characterisation. I mean, I could picture him sitting there perfectly and all the rooms and Pansy etc. It was great. And the way you portrayed them was wonderful as well.
The plot, in my opinion is very original so far. It's far from what I expected as I said before, I'm glad it doesn't appear to be going down the typical Draco/Hermione path, becasue I er...don't overly enjoy that, to put it mildly...
I'm not usually one for ANYTHING involving Draco, but this one has my attention. I want to know what's up!!!
Great work, I really enjoyed it. :)
Rose Report Review
Okay. *steps down off high horse*
This chapter is a testiment to your amazing, fantastic, truly, genuinely, talented writing skills, Phyllis, because I actually liked it.
You actually made me feel a little sorry for Malfoy, and a lot of hatred for Pansy. Yes I struggled through. And I am glad. You are amazing, Phyllis.
Now, I shall go and hide in a corner and be ashamed of myself for actually reading, and liking, a Dramione. Even if it was yours, my love!
I am ashamed.
Love Joan x x x x xAuthor's Response: Joan!
You reviewed *danced*
You reviewed even though you were adamant in your dislike for Dramione's! Yay for you!
And I am, actually, glad that you like it, and am happy my writing can sway you to have such abnormal opinions.
I will obviously write on, but the question is will you continue to read? lol?
x x x x x Report Review
enjoyign it very much so far, cant wait for moreAuthor's Response: Aww, thanks a lot!
I'm glad you enjoyed it ^_^ Report Review
Good start. I think that might fall fall underneath the typical Dramione cliches that a person normally sees---Draco being the good guy, betraying his beliefs, Narcissa being killed by Lucius, Lucius not liking that his son is dating Hermione/he gets killed, etc, etc. It is a good start to what looks to be a promising story, but be careful of following the cliches that go with Dramiones.Author's Response: Thanks for the review, and I promise this won't be full of cliches.
Just watch out for Draco not entirely being the good guy, and a re-appearance by Mr and Mrs Malfoy.
^_^ Report Review
It's ashli. (:
I noticed how you said this was your one and only attempt a a Dramione, I can't say that I ship that but I do like this story. I just love how you established the tension between Draco and Pansy.
9/10Author's Response: Aw, thank you.
I appreciate that you reviewed even though this is not particularly your thing.
Thanks for the lovely words! Report Review
AH! Phyllis is writing again! Phyllis is writing again!!! *sings* Oh, I love it!
A Dramione! How out of character for you! And poor Ron!
Lmao. I wouldn't mind some physical activity with Tom Felton... oh dear... that was an inappropriate reference wasn't it?
I love this fic! Is Hermione all right? Harry what the abba--wibba---??? Oh dear. Its not THE VIRUS is it? You know, THE DRAMIONE VIRUS? Lmao.
Stupid Pansy. Stop polishing his biggerstaff... there I go again!
I'm going to end this review before I infinity the amount of inappropriate references!!!
In conclusion: PHYLLIS IS WRITING AGAIN! And also LOVE IT! DRAMIONE!!! UPDATE!!!
Lv Hilary *fan*
kudos and 10/10 rating for you! ^_^Author's Response: Hilary! yay!
You're my first review.
Isn't that exciting.
And yes, I am indeed writing it again, even if it is a Dramione.
And I don't even feel ashamed...lol
Hey, if you feel uncomfortable at any time, you can just put yourself in the fic with Tom felton :)
Yeah you can.
Anyway, my dear, I am glad you liked it, and will actually be updating soon.
x x x
And, no, it's not the Dramione virus. Report Review
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