Beautiful story, I'm still crying. Have you ever thought about writing how their relationship began and how it got to that point? Report Review
Wow, this was really good. Your descriptions of the Founders was very accurate and the story as a whole was very compelling. If Joe had revealed anything else about them, I believe it would be very close if not exactly the same as this fic.
All in all, I loved it. Congratulations on winning the challenge!
Jaz Report Review
ooh that was good
I liked it alotAuthor's Response: thank you dear Report Review
Hey this is Realize from the forum. Here is your review.
I know that this is meant to be for Valentines Day and all but, the beginning lacked several things. One a pull in, nothing really captured my attention and made me want to read it. It made me feel like I was eating bad fish. It was also very cliché, because several stories about the holidays begin the very same way. There was some good description in the beginning but that was all.
After reading the short conversation between Slytherin and Ravenclaw. I was yawning. I would have liked something to make me feel more a part of the story. Once I heard that her child was missing, I woke from my sleep, you drew me in a little more. The humor was okay, but nothing other than ordinary. Knowing Slytherin, he would have talked back. This shows a lack of character understanding. However, you seemed to be able to make him cruel inside. You needed to give more description about her illness or whatever Ravenclaw has.
I got confused with the whole talk with Slytherin and Gryffindor and I somewhat just skimmed through it because I could not keep focus. Your whole story has been hard to read. You seem to jump every were, and you never know what is fully happening. I do not understand why Slytherin and Ravenclaw are close. I would like that to be explained. Ravenclaw is ill not stupid. I felt as though you made her stupid, even though she is meant to be the wisest.
Before like the third break, Slytherin had tried to avoid seeing Ravenclaw, what had brought on the sudden change, and why was he so keen on finding her daughter. There are so many questions unanswered. I do not understand why Slytherin wants to badly to find the girl, and what does he mean that women are weak. You need to clear many things up, because it is confusing. Slytherin would never associate with mudbloods, or ever trust one to go search for a pureblood. I do not like that Slytherin was Helenas father, that was odd. The ending was not that good not much detail.
There are also several grammar/spelling mistakes. It would be good for you to find a beta quick. I also noticed that you made many changes from first person to third, and back to first. There are only so many times that you can change POVs. Your story is also long. I would suggest that you go back redo the parts that I mentioned, find a beta, and then make this a short story. Over all 6/10
~Kara~Author's Response: hokay... first of all, thanks for coming to review :) Even though you didn't like it, I still appreciate the amount of effort you must have put into that rather long review :) And your honesty is really great - exactly what I needed.
lol, bad fish. Not the nicest way of putting it perhaps? It's not exactly about the holidays... yes, the first part was on Boxing Day, but that seemed quite a logical day to have a party on.
Ok, I'm sorry I made you yawn. Although it is only a one-shot, and not everything can start with a bang. Yeah, I know I'm not a particularly funny person. No harm in trying though.
One point: Slytherin is only mentioned in canon. We don't actually know that he's 'cruel inside'. I think it's safe to say I could do pretty much anything with his character (to a certain degree, of course) without going against the books. So I think that's a little unfair.
The reason for not explaining Ravenclaw's illness is because none of the characters themselves knew. It was the 11th or 12th century. Medicine wasn't exactly advanced, even if they were wizards.
Fair point about the jumping everywhere. I'll work on it :)
Thinking about it, Ravenclaw might have come across as stupid, but that wasn't my intention. She was half-delirious & feverish, and I'm fairly sure no one's brain is functioning at full capacity under those conditions.
Slytherin wants to find Helena because she's his daughter. He didn't have much of a choice as to making the baron look for Helena -- he was sort of at his wit's end. I did think about it being Godric who sent him out -- this would probably work better, as this would then give Slytherin a reason to hate Godric as well as mudbloods. So I do agree with you. I just didn't have time when i was writing this to change it as I was writing to a deadline (but with your comments I think I will rewrite it in the future)
It's your own opinion as to whether that was odd. :)
This has been beta-ed, two days ago. So I don't know what's up with that :/
Argh, the POV's. At first I couldn't work out what you were talking about, but I've realised that when I edited it with the beta read version, I didn't include the formatting. So the 1st person parts are his thoughts. Completely my fault though for not copping that.
If it was boring, why are you suggesting I spin this out into a short story? Sorry if that sounds rude, but that's not entirely logical.
To end this long response... this has been a very welcome dose of harshness which I thoroughly needed and deserved. So thank you very much :) I hope I haven't left out anything, and you are welcome to pm me on the forums if you disagree even further with my response :)
Hey this is Realize from the forum. Here is your review.
I know that this is meant to be for valentines day and all but, the beginning lacked several things. One a pull in, nothing really captured my attention and made me want to read it. It made me feel like I was eating really bad fish. It was also very cliché, because several stories about the holidays begin the very same way. There was some good description in the beginning but that was all.
After reading the short conversation between Slytherin and Ravenclaw. I was yawning. I would have liked something to make me feel more a part of the story. Once I heard that her child was missing, I woke from my sleep, you drew me in a little more. The humor was okay, but nothing other than ordinary. Knowing Slytherin he would have talked back. This shows a lack of character understanding. However, you seemed to be able to make him cruel inside. You needed to give more description about her illness or whatever Ravenclaw has.
I got really confused with the whole talk with Slytherin and Gryffindor and I kind of just skimmed through it because I could not keep focus. Your whole story has been hard to read. You seem to jump everywere, and you never know what is fully happening.
There are also several grammar/spelling mistakes. It would be good for you to find a beta quick. I also noticed that you made a lot of changes from first person to third, and back to first. There are only so many times that you can change POVs. Your story is also really longAuthor's Response: I think you already posted this review :) Report Review
Oh. My. God.
Amazing story, honestly, one of the best founder's ones I've read in like, forever. I loved how your emotions came across, how you showed the softer, loving side of Slytherin, but only slightly, and how you gave him all the other amazing traits.
Oh gosh, the ending was so sad, but completely adorable, excuse the girlyness. There were a few spelling mistakes, but just wow. It was insanely amazing.
Love, chaotic.Author's Response: thank you :) I'm trying to get this beta-ed because I know my spelling is awful but so far no luck. Glad you liked my Slytherin (and yes, he is 'mine' lol) yay! 100/10! excuse the girly yay, of course ;) Report Review
Wow. This is definately a founders story I enjoyed reading! Usually I can't find one worth reading... But this was really good! Great Job, and theres only a few grammical mistakes, but other than that, this is definately a favorite!Author's Response: hey, thanks for reviewing :] I'm going to have to start a campaign to get more appreciation for Founder's era... yeah, the grammar mistakes are a nuisance, but I'm trying to get it beta ed -- thanks for the favourite as well xD Report Review
It's amazing and surprising to read an epic-one-shot, but that's what I've just done. You made this very authentic with period-relevant details that make it very realistic. I love the noble tone. There aren't many Founders fics out there, and most of them have a lot of problems with information that doesn't sound accurate. It sounds like you really researched this or at least already had an idea of what kind of things would actually have gone on.
I LOVE your characterization. It was so refreshing to read about the Founders. I loved the way you characterized Salazar. He had all the typical Slytherin strengths and weaknesses, and I really felt for him throughout this piece. You showcased the tension between he and Gryffindor very well. The rift was definitely there, though it wasn't over-dramatic by any means. I also LOVE it that most of the reason he departed from Hogwarts was due to his grief over losing Rowena and Helena. Sooo powerful. This is awesomely well-done and is going in my favorites. Woot! :)Author's Response: hey, thanks for reviewing! One of the most cheering i've had :) Yeah, I guess it was epic - it wasn't meant to be, but that's how it turned out. It was really going to be a very, very angsty Helena/Bloody Baron... :/
I don't know that i researched it... I wrote it in the space of 6 hours, so all I did was look up old English names. But I'm glad I got it right (by some fluke, probably xD)
I'm glad you liked my Founders - I do too, I think I'm going to write more about them. It'\s such an ignored era :( Yeah, I kind of saw Slytherin departing because a load of little things building up, not necessarily just because of the whole Mudblood thing...
anyway, I'm soo glad you liked it (favourited! my favourite word!) and thank you so, so much!! Report Review
I really liked it, especially how you included the line from the challenge. I really like the Founders Era, and I think you did a wonderful job with it. :)Author's Response: thanks for reviewing :) I'm glad you liked it, and yay! for the Founders Era! Report Review
oh my god, that was wonderful. I'm speechless. absolutely one hundred percent speechless. this was amazing. A M A Z I N G ! ! ! and I really mean it. I've no complaints about it and only compliments. Flow, characterization, setting development and EVERYTHING was done PERFECTLY! Just perfect. this is the IDEAL fan fic, just so you know. and I love your originality. the idea behind this is so intriguing and it interested the hell out of me. it was an absolutely fabulous read. you're an outstanding author, and I award you with a perfectly perfect 10/10 for your perfectly perfect perfection. lol. but seriously, you should be proud of this wonderful fan fiction. you've definitely become one of my favorite authors. you've so much talent. :) :) :) Great job, really.Author's Response: wowsh. I'm not sure what to say to that. I mean, apart from: thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou! You are going on my now official 'lovely person' list. hehe, speechlessness is obviously contagious.
< modesty >oh, it's not ideal. Not by a long shot. And I'm not talented. honestly. there are people in my class at school that are better writers. And technically, perfection can't exist. Or something deep like that.
Anyway... *hugs* for being such a lovely reviewer and all the compliments ^_^ Report Review
Hmm.. Let's see.. I liked this..
Your dialouge (I can't spell): Hmm.. Well, it's not very believeble that it's in founder's era, but it's good if it had been trio or something like that.. A couple of young peole nearer to the present time, but otherwise they were good..
You have a good balance with them and the desciptions.. Hehe..
I don't remember where, but you had written Slytheri instead of Slytherin.. I assume that's one of your typoes.. HAHA.. :D
I felt sad about Slytherins and Gryffindors friendship, especially when I know what's going to happen.. haha..
Also, Ravenclaw and Slytherin together, I've never imagined that.. And that's why I don't really like this era..
These for people arn't meant for each other.. They're like friends..
Well, it's very believeble in the end, how slytherin thinks he doesn't need love! Great!
Good job, keep it up
PingoAuthor's Response: Thanks for reviewing :)
Heh, I was sort of guessing at old-fashioned dialogue. I don't really think the trio, etc would talk quite so formally, but I see your point and I'll look into it :)
Darn my typos, I'm trying to get this beta read, but so far no luck :( I'll fix it, though, thanks for spotting it.
This was never meant to be a Slytherin/Ravenclaw, it was going to about helena and the Bloody baron, but then I wrote the paragraph where she's standing beside him at the party, and something just clicked for me... lol. I know a lot of people don't like founders, which is sad, it's so interesting - but at least you have a reason ^_^
Glad you thought it was believable, thanks again for the review :) Report Review
Oh my gosh that was so cool! That's the first time I've ever read a story with the founders, and I love how you wrote them, even though we don't know too much about them, I think you got them spot on, I liked it a lot!Author's Response: Thanks! Yeah, I've never read a founders either, kudos to you for trying them out - they're not so popular, but I'm going to check out some others because there's so much you could do with them. I'm so glad you liked it, thanks again for taking the time to leave a review :) Report Review
Okay, so I'd just like to start off saying that I actually really liked it ^_^
I don't really read founders fics on principle, but this one is quite unique in terms of plot, and is a breath of fresh air in that your not focusing on Slytherin of Gryffindor.
You also have a really natural turn of phraes - some of your sentences are beutifully put together, and I applaud you for that.
But, on the slight negative, some of your dialogue does seem a bit forced, and there's something a bit off with some of your punctuation at times. I don't really have any specific examples though.
Maybe it's just me...lol
Anyway, as I said, I did like it, so I'm going to award you a 9/10 and a very large cookie.
Hope I helped ^_^Author's Response: hey, thanks for reviewing! mmm, cookies :) I jst ate a very large marks and spencer one... their ones are the best.
Oh, I agree, I avoid the founders too. But this one did sort of focus on Slytherin... I'm so glad you like my "turns of phrase", and I am an applause junkie ;)
I thought I did quite well on the dialogue on this one, but it's not my strong point, I know. I'm getting a beta anyway, but you're right, punctuation is suckish :)
thanks so much for reviewing xD
Hello again, dear. :] Thanks so much for taking the time enter my challenge! I'm so glad you got this in in time.
I am, honestly, in awe. This is so well put together! Your language is well chosen, and your characterization is nicely done. Your plot was easy to follow and terribly engaging. I honestly haven't a negative thing to say! Excellent, excellent job, dear!
Thank you again for entering! I'm SO glad that you did. :]]
xoxoAuthor's Response: thank you! Hehe, it was a close thing getting this in, I've never typed so fast in my life :)
I'm so glad you liked it, I really enjoyed writing it! pathetically short response, but I can't think of anything to say. thank you again for the lovely review! Report Review
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