SEQUEAL! SEQUEL! *fangirls*Author's Response: Thanks! The companion story is already up... it's called "Behind the Mask". Glad you enjoyed the story and thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
NO! you cant just end it like that i need more hahaAuthor's Response: Aww, thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed the story. If you'd like to see more of these characters you can read 'Behind the Mask.' It has some James II & Marisol in it, though focuses more on Holden. Thanks again for reading and for the review! :) Report Review
Here with my review, as promised! ^_^
This was a good story for me to curl up in bed and read. It was definitely enjoyable. Marisol was a believable character who had her insecurities and her strengths and I really liked her. James, as well, had a good personality, although at times I felt he was whining just a bit too much for my liking. That's just my opinion, though, I've never been a fan of characters complaining more than necessary, you know?
As an overview, everything seemed to flow rather nicely. Your characters were good, the story line was good, and I kept racing through the chapters, crossing my fingers for Marisol and James. My only complaint would be that it felt somewhat rushed and a little bit forced. James and Marisol started liking each other SO quickly and it just seemed like if you had taken a few more chapters to spread it out over, it would have worked a bit better.
As for the forced parts, it's just the way your sentences flowed, sometimes, particularly in the first few chapters. At least in my mind, it seemed a bit choppy and you chose to tell, more than show, if that makes sense. Like, when you started describing people, I just felt like I was reading a list of their physical traits, rather than imagining what they looked like from detailed description, you know?
Besides that, though, this story was great. Really, I loved it and it was a really nice read. I'm so glad that they ended up together and I'm sure in your sequel you're planning a whole lot for them. ^_^ Wonderful work, dear! Keep it up.
-Alex/renegade on TGSAuthor's Response: Yes, I quite agree that James and Marisol did get together rather fast, but my reason for doing this was because there are plenty of teenagers in real life that are fast to get together. At least that was how it when I was in high school... and some people at college are also quick to get together as well. And as for the choppy sentences and descriptions, I quite agree with you but I just can\\\'t bring myself to edit the first few chapters because I like going back to read them just to see how much I\\\'ve improved in my writing.
Thanks so much for the review, I very much appreciate it! And the sequel only has Marisol and James as minor characters in it as it focuses more on Holden Summers and his quest to find the girl behind the mask that he talked to on New Year\\\'s Eve night at the Potters\\\' masquerade party. Thanks again for reviewing! ;) Report Review
awesome story and character. She was believable, rather than amazingly unhuman. Potter was an interesting personality too.
pulled off nicely and I was grinning crazily ever since the quiditch commentaryAuthor's Response: Thanks! I'm happy to hear that you enjoyed the story! Report Review
whole story is good mostly lolAuthor's Response: Oh, Thanks. Report Review
very good lol on that last line i know i said i wouldnt write again maybe but i couldnt resistAuthor's Response: Are you even enjoying the story because it's kind of pointless to keep reviewing sentences that aren't about the story at all. Report Review
i am going to stop writing these soon lolAuthor's Response: Okay. Thanks for letting me know? Report Review
good now when are you gonna make so we dont have to right a paragraph everytime?Author's Response: What paragraph? I have no idea what you're talking about? I'm very confused. Report Review
improving lol why does it only let me say 20 or more!?!?! its very annoying if you ever read this please change itAuthor's Response: Change what? Report Review
nice mister whoever wrote thisAuthor's Response: I'm not a mister, I'm a girl. I'm glad you like it. Report Review
good very good .i dont know what else to sayAuthor's Response: Thank you! Report Review
this is really good do you think you'll write a scorpious/rose story?Author's Response: I haven't thought of writing a Scorpius/Rose, to be honest. I have nothing against the ship as I enjoy reading it on occasion, but I just think there are enough stories about the ship. Though, I'll think about it. The main ship that I've been wanting to try is Lily II/OC, or even Hugo/OC, since there really isn't enough of either of the two; or that's the way it seems in my opinion. Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
yeh new chappie!!!
cocoAuthor's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you're still liking the story! Report Review
wow this is good!!!
i am sick though so i have nothing to do but this helped!!!
-cocoAuthor's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you like the story so far. Hope you feel better. =) Report Review
What a great ending! I think this was my favourite chapter of all. This chapter was so cute and adorable and fluffy, I loved it! It was funny that James couldn't keep a straight face, and I can just imagine Lily running off and telling everyone. And yay! They finally kissed! Congrats on finishing the story! I've enjoyed reading it :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for the great review! It made me smile. I have a new story posted that's 7 chapters in, it has James/Marisol in it even though the main pairing is Holden/OC. I'll stop by your review thread and request it for reviews. Thanks so much for the positive feedback, I really appreciate it. =D Report Review
Aww they lost. I loved the way you wrote the quidditch scene, it was just the right amount of description I thought. I love that she's making him wait for an answer, James is not very happy with that. It's really great how you've developed these characters and the story :)Author's Response: Thanks, I really am starting to get the hang of writing quidditch matches then when I wrote one for the first time, I think. And I love my characters so I'm glad that you think I've developed them well, it makes me feel all happy inside and out because these characters are my babies. Thanks for the great review, I really appreciate it! Report Review
Yay! They finally kissed! Okay, I went back and reread the last few chapters because next I'm going to reread and rereview all of Behind the Mask so I decided I'd like to know where we left off. I love Lily in this chapter. She reminds me of myself with my sister and her first boyfriend. I spied on them all the time and then ran to my parents and told on her :P we little sisters are evil!
I am so glad you took this challenge and decided to write this! Nicely done!
One critique, the ONLY critique, is that Quidditch is played on a pitch, rather than a field. It irks me in every story I read, so don't take it personally. I tell EVERYBODY! :P That's just my OCD talking...
-momoeAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! I'm glad that you enjoyed it and I will definitely do my best to refer to it as a Quidditch 'Pitch' from now on instead of a field. I appreciate the feedback, thanks! Report Review
Not a bad start, I find though that you tend to tell us what is going on instead of showing.
for ex: He had received letters from her since summer had started, but hadnít responded to any of them.
Instead of telling you could maybe show him receiving a letter and throwing in a stack of other unopened letters from her, making it obvious that he didn't care about her.
I hope that makes sense.Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing and giving me your feedback. I will definitely consider going back to slide that in to show rather than tell when I'm able to. At the moment I'm working on the next chapter of my current story and also planning for my NaNo novel for next month. Thanks again for reviewing! Report Review
hello, i am sorry i have not reviewed all this time, but i have been quite busy; i have been trying to get rid of my writers block! i have the worst case; i have lost my style completly.
i really like marisol's character. she isn't mary-sue at all, (i HATE mary-sues... they make me feel bad...) and james acts the way that i imagine him in my head. anyhoo, this story is great! i hope you do a sequal!
Great writing & happy writing,
P.S. I give this chapter a 10/10Author's Response: Thanks! I'm so happy that you enjoyed the story and I am going to do a sequel. I'm already working on chapter outlines and have almost half of the first chapter completed. I'm just not going to post it until I have the first few chapters completed and several or all of the chapter outlines completed.
I hope you get rid of your writer's block. Usually, if you just sit down and start writing anything then that can sometimes break you free of your slump. I helps me. Also, sometimes forcing a chapter out helps to keep me focused on writing my stories and it keeps me inspired to write more. Thanks again for the marvelous review! I really appreciate. =) Report Review
Ok, first off, I found one mistake. It was "Though Marisol could feel a certain messy, raven haired boy's eyes on her as she worked with Holden on the day's project, which was dull." Why is the though there at the beginning?
Also there could be more description, like how does the day feel nice?
Aww... I love the bundles of fluff in this chappie! It's so cute, though I would've liked to have read what the kiss like for each of them.
Besides that they were great final chapters and I enjoyed reading this story. Let me know when the sequel is out if you want me to review it.Author's Response: Oops, I'll definitely go back and fix that. I can see what you're saying, 'though' shouldn't be at the beginning. About the description, I kind of just skimmed the surface some of the description in this one as I looked to as secondary to getting James/Marisol finally together.
Yay! I'm glad you liked the fluff because I had a lot of fun writing it. Your review totally brightened my day as I've had a long day at work, from 9:30am-6pm and it's 7pm now. So, thanks so much for the review, I really appreciated and I will let you know when I have ch. 1 of the sequel up. (: Report Review
First off, congrats on finishing! It's always a good feeling to be able to complete and story and to be able to put that complete mark on the story.
I've really enjoyed this story and I've loved how their relationship progressed. It's been nice to see the development and I smiled when they finally got together. I love James/Marisol and I do want to read more about them. I'm looking forward to the sequel - definitely let me know when it's up if I don't happen to realize it. Where is it going to pick up if you end up doing it?
I've loved the characterization of Marisol and how you've created her character. She's definitely an interesting character and it's nice to see the progression of her and James. I like her friend, Maria, as well, and I love how you've put in her letters into the story. Fabulous job with this story! Keep writing! I've enjoyed this!Author's Response: Aw, thanks. I was so ecstatic to be able to go into the story info and click on that complete button. And your review totally made my night as I've been at work from 11am-6pm today... busy, busy, busy... but it went by fast.
I'm so glad to hear that you've enjoyed the story and like how I've written the progression of James/Marisol's relationship. The sequel will pick up about a week after this one ended, give or take a couple of days as Marisol travels back to Spain to spend the Christmas holidays with her mom. There, you'll get a chance to meet Marisol's friends and get a chance to see how she is in her home country with her mother and friends. It'll carry over to her returning back to school [and back to James :) ].
Oh, I'm so glad that I've finally developed Marisol's characterization even more than at the beginning of this story. And I hope you'll continue to like her throughout the sequel. As for Maria, you will definitely see her in the sequel when Marisol's friends from Spain are introduced... I'm thinking of introducing her in chapter 1, actually, with her being there to greet Marisol when she arrives in Spain alongside her mother of course.
I'll be sure to let you know when I have chapter 1 of the sequel posted. Thanks so much for all of the amazing reviews, they're much appreciated! (: Report Review
Aww, I love the ending and am soo excited for the sequel! I'm glad everyone is happy for them, since it would be a shame to leave it hanging otherwise.
I really enjoyed the entire story and I'll be looking out for the sequel :)Author's Response: I'm happy to hear that you enjoyed the story and love how I ended it. I've already started writing chapter outlines for the sequel, so hopefully I'll be able to get to the actual writing in a week or two and have the first such and such chapters completed before posting chapter 1. Thanks for reviewing, I really appreciate it! (: Report Review
I liked the description here in the chapter. It was a good ending to a very fun story to read. If you do end up doing a seueal, let me know and I will come and read that as well.Author's Response: Aw, thanks. I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed this story enough to come back and read the sequel, which I've already started writing up chapter outlines and hopefully will be starting on doing some actual writing in the next week or two. I'll let you know when I have posted chapter 1. Thanks so much for all the positive feedback that you've gave me throughout this story! It's really helped me grow more as a writer. ;) Report Review
I like the descripitons that you have in the story. I also enjoyed the characterizations and how they develop in each chapter. Overall, a good job.Author's Response: Thanks so much for getting to my review request so fast! I really appreciate the positive feedback you gave me on my descriptions and characterizations. =) Report Review
aww.. very cute closing! Sad to see this one wrap-up, but I can see why - and a sequel sounds like a great idea! Have a good time writing it, because I know I'll have a good time reading it!
CheersAuthor's Response: Yay, you're my first reviewer for this chapter! I'm happy that you liked the final chapter and that you're looking forward to reading the sequel. I've already started outlining the first chapter. Thanks for reviewing! =) Report Review
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