Wow, another extremely descriptive start! You describe the transformation very well. The only thing that I noticed was that you wrote "its" instead of "it's". You did this again in the second paragraph.
Poor Peter! I wonder what he DID grab from Filch's office and who he gave the package to... will this be revealed in the next chapter or so?
I don't know, even though your story's really good, I think it still needs something more. I feel that this may be dialogue. Maybe you should insert a flashback into one of the diary entries.
"My best bet was to make it down to the 3rd floor..." -spell out third
"There where more than a few people..." -'where' should be 'were'
-Peter's name is spelled wrong at the end of his entry
"I'm not confident at all in Peters ability to talk to girls." -apostrophe between the r and s as in Peter's
Very good, but there are just a few things that you may consider adding. I look forward to your next chapter!Author's Response: Thanks for the review.
I might write in something about the package. Since the queue is closed for a few days I have a little extra time to work on the next chapter.
The next chapter will have dialog and considerably less errors. Report Review
Great start! I can really imagine Remus writing in his diary. I loved your description in the first paragraph. It's very detailed and vivid.
The encounter between James, Sirius and Snape was interesting to read. There was plenty of description, but I think that it would be more complete with more dialogue. Try focusing on Lily and Snape in those paragraphs.
"That's so 2nd grade." - change 2nd to second
"McGonagall Screamed at us..." - don't capitalize 'screamed'
You have a gap between the fourth and fifth paragraph. That works fine, but have you ever considered using a horizontal rule? If you're using the rich text editor, you can find the option near the end of the bottons. It's second to last, squeezed between "insert special character" and "insert/edit image".
I think that the last line really captures Remus's personality... he just wants friendship in his life.
This is a really good story, and I'm definitely adding it to my favorites. I noticed that you have few reviews right now. Why don't you add a banner (the-dark-arts.net) and ask for some reviews on the forum? You'll earn not only reviews, but dedicated readers.
Keep up the great work!Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Judging from your name, you're a big marauders fan so a thumbs up from you means a lot. Thanks for pointing out mistakes; when the submission que opens up I'll fix them. Report Review
Great chapter, again!
I love that you have something from each of the boys' perspectives instead of a whole chap on one person.
~Sal1705Author's Response: I'm glad I finally checked back! your review was a pleasant surprise. I wasn't planning on writing another chapter but I suppose I will. Thanks for the motivation. Report Review
Great chapter! I just realised I'm the loner with this story in my faves. Can't wait to read more and I'm sorry I haven't reviewed before.
~Sal1705Author's Response: Better late than never! Thanks for the review! Report Review
haha I like Sirius' sentences.
such the rebel.
good start.Author's Response: Finally a review! I was going to give up on this story but since I have at least one satisfied reader I suppose I'll continue. Thank you. Report Review
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