Me again =]
Really cool second chapter!! But why did it skip soo much time from the orphanage to Hogwarts? You could of put in the part where Albus comes for him, even though we read it already and all the other stuff he did in the orphanage, like stealing the toys from the other children.
There are a few things that I noticed in this chapter. Like when you wrote "If this, then that." - did you miss a word or something? because it doesn't make any sense to me.
Try not to start sentences with 'and', and try not to start paragraphs which are straight beside one another with the same word.
There are a few grammar mistakes in place, a beta would help you out.
9/10! =] Report Review
At the beginning, you say 'Tom. That's what they called him then.'- 'then' kind of confused me, you might want to add something onto this sentence or just take it out.
'for hours after finding warmth'- should it be "even after they found warmth...?"
"on any other boy his expression might seem blank"-but how would it be 'his' expression? Did you mean to say somethig like "on any other boy the expression might seem blank"?
"It was Tom Riddle's tenth birthday"- just to make it sound better, you could say 'This particular day was also Tom Riddle's tenth birthday'
When you say that the 'door open'- you could say what door it is, as it could be any door of the building, so it be something like 'the door to Tom's room swung open...'
I doubt that the matron of the orphanage would remember his birthday, they might have a day out for all the children once a year for all their birthdays, but it is your story, and you don't have to take what I am saying, I am just giving an opinion. =]
I love the flashback to the little boy in the street and Tom hitting him, I felt so sorry for the poor kid =[ evil, evil Tom!
I don't get the book thing... how did Billy see the snake if it was just a picture in the book? And then Tom turns around and says "You don't tell anyone about my little pet, and I'll let yours live." -but Tom doesn't have a pet...he's just looking at a book.
I wouldn't say Tom would do that to Billy's poor rabbit for nothing [yes, I know we are talking about Tom Riddle here] but I would of make Tom jealous or feel hatred towards Billy for doing something on him and then Tom gets payback by killing his little rabbit...But that's just my take on it.
I like this story! I looove reading fics about young Tom Riddle, there aren't that many on hpff and I am always searching for them, so thanks for bringing me to this one =] I'm totally reading on!! =D Report Review
Hi, WeasleyTwins here to review as requested. I would like to apologize for the extensive delay :]
Wow, I certainly never expected that. That, my dear, was excellent. I could almost feel Tom's cold, calculating presence. I was absolutely astounded whilst reading this. You've captured Tom perfectly and with this utter grandeur. Oh, I can't put into words how delicious this is.
The one thing I saw that I don't think was right. If I'm correct, Tom isn't a 'Thomas.' I believe it would be Tom Marvolo Riddle, not Thomas :]
The flow, characterization, plot, it's all so intriguing! I found your diction delightful and it added a great vibe to the story. Overall, this was just too delicious.
Shelby Report Review
This was a great chapter. I'm impressed, really. I've never read Voldemort like this, never even given much thought to these years of his life and it impresses the heck out of me that you've taken on this - what I can only describe as - challenge.
Everything is described vividly and it seems incredibly well-thought out. It's also realistic, the entire moment; his thoughts, his feelings, the process... everything about it.
I love the way you've portrayed Voldemort thus fas, which is very true to his canon-self. You've included the essence of his character and conveyed it impressively. And the final paragraph, particularly the six final words (...his soul fraying at the edges.) ... just wow.
I've really missed your writing and I can't wait for an update. Amazing chapter!Author's Response: Thanks so much! You know how much I love to hear from you. Next chapter is in the queue... Report Review
wow, i must say that i loved the way that you connected this chapter to the first. really, there was no definite connection, but i liked the whole idea that you felt confident to skip several chapters of Tom's life and just sort of do an overview of them. that seemed to work perfectly for this story and i am so happy to see that you did it this way. Tom lived a long, interesting life, but in his younger years he was just an average young boy with a certain superstitious need for power and might. really, the other years of his life are not important. only the part where he really began to become Lord Voldemort matters for a story pertaining this sort of plot.
the flow of this chapter was absolutely beautiful. i thought that everything seemed to melt and bend in to a perfect form of art and that really, there did not seem to be any points that stood out to me that needed to be cleaned up. things seemed incredibly smooth and together and that is a lovely way to write. most of the time it comes with your individual style and it is positively wonderful that your style happens to possess that in such a defined manner.
overall, i thought that you did a wonderful job on this second chapter. i loved how everything flowed together so evenly and how a similar and consistent pace was brought about. this was a shorter chapter, but that is what you need to really grasp the attentions of readers for a story such as this one. you really have to make things short and sweet and that seems to be your overall approach with this. length does not matter, but quality and action do.Author's Response: Woah, thanks so much! Yes, I tend to be jealous of people who can just write and write forever, but I like to keep things to the point. I'm glad you think I have a style - I don't consciously shape it or anything. Thanks again :) Report Review
wow, this was an absolutely amazing introduction that you provided for me as a reader. i really felt drawn in from the very first word and i could not stop reading for two seconds until i reached the end of your author's note. i am fascinated with who Tom was exactly and how he came to be who we know him as and so this is pretty much a match for me. i have never really read anything pertaining to his orphanage years but am currently working on a story about his parents.
overall, i thought that this was a beautiful start to a story. it had the action, the perception, and the style that you would expect and introduction to contain. beautiful job. i would love it if you requested again when the next chapter is up. keep writing.Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'll be sure to do that. =) Report Review
This was a very good first chapter and I can already see why you're proud of this. But before I mention what I liked about this, I'm gonna point out what I found to be a bit... off.
I was wondering about this paragraph here: A few moments later, and the pauper boy had staggered away, the blood from his nose flowing like water into his parched, gasping mouth. A satisfied smirk crawled across Tom’s face, marring his angelic features, as he flexed his hands, turned on his heel and left. This left me all confused to tell the truth and I got lost there, which is sad, because it was flowing so well! The first sentence felt awkward - the and was what made me stagger. Is it suppose to be there or am I just thick? =p Hmm. At first (I just realized you were, in this paragraph, referring to the moment when the pauper boy had grabbed Tom) I thought that it was happening, not that it had happened. Why not attach this paragraph to the one above to let the reader know it's still referring to the past or his memory? Just a suggestion. I don't know if this has confused others or not, but to me it was pretty confusing.
And here's a tiny typo that I found: The reminded her of an abandoned well she had once looked down as a young girl... - is The supposed to be They [Tom's eyes]?
And on to the great stuff. As always, your writing is simply splendid. Descriptive... I've truly missed your writing! I did notice that this wasn't as adjective-happy as the chapters in Wings of a Raven, but it didn't matter; all in all, I thought it was much better, because it shows that one doesn't need to be overly descriptive and it's enough with some, carefully selected ones. The scenery is vivid and the... ominous feelings are too. I loved this line especially: On any other boy, his expression might have seemed blank. But his eyes, so dark that they seemed to swallow the daylight rather than reflect it, were alive. Such a... brilliant line. Very vivid and I love that about you. =) And the first two paragraphs. Just on spot. Wouldn't I have known that Tom was evil, or to become evil, those lines would've given me a very good idea about Tom's character. That's his not a common boy, unlike his name. Yep, very good! And the ending... It was chilling. I think your portrayal of Tom is awesome so far; I loved the scene when he threatened Billy and it really showed how much power he had over the other children... I'm very intrigued now and looking forward on reading more about Tom in general. Eager to see what you have in store for us! Anyways, keep it up and welcome back ^_^Author's Response: Thanks so much! I love hearing your reviews and this was worth taking a hiatus for. Report Review
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