Hi Jo! We're doing a review challenge over the The Golden Snitches forum where we had to read and review a story featuring a Quidditch match, and I stumbled onto yours! Thank goodness I did because you have no idea how hard it is to actually find a story dealing with a true match and not just talking about so-and-so being a Quidditch god or whatever (*eye roll*).
I normally don't go for Quidditch or Next Gen stuff very much at all, but I've always liked your writing, so it was cool to read something else of yours. It's really cool that you wrote this a while back way before Next Gen got so trendy and popular. I really appreciated how you made up a lot of OCs to be on Lily's team instead of just throwing all the other Next Gen kids in there with her. One thing I normally DON'T like about Next Gen (and this is really because of how it is in canon and not because of what fan fic writers do) is how every family is insanely intermarried and connected. It kind of gets on my nerves how basically the trio and their close friends all ended up being relatives. Obviously you mentioned this, because it is canon and wouldn't be realistic if you didn't, but like I said I liked how you introduced new characters like Xavier to flesh out the cast and not make it only the SAME PEOPLE we hear about all the time. (and about 1,000 bonus points to you for not making it a match against Slytherin with Scorpius as rival Seeker and they fall in love :D)
Another thing I REALLY liked was how you made the Quidditch match go on for so long. In the books they mention a few times how some matches have gone of for literally weeks and months, yet it always seemed like Harry caught the Snitch in like five minutes! Ok, maybe he was just really gifted as a Seeker or JKR hated writing the matches that much, but it got on my nerves. It was also neat how no goals were scored. I always thought Quidditch would be more like hockey where there's so much back and forth there aren't very many goals, but again in the books, goals are scored left and right. Kind of makes you wonder what all the other players are doing. The flow and pacing of this was really good as well. You kept the excitement of the match balanced with enough description to flesh out each moment.
So over all, great job! It really helped me reading this to not have to encounter all the same Next Gen cliches like I usually find when I attempt to read a story from that era. Don't know if you'll even see this review given how busy busy busy your life is right now, but I hope if you do notice it, it helped brighten your day a bit (cause new reviews are always fun!!) Talk to you later!
~Renny Report Review
I loved it! This story sends an important message of being yourself with great Quidditch action AND romance!Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked it. Report Review
Entwhistle . . . I love that name! Haha! You know, I can really see Lily feeling the pressure of wanting to be good at Quidditch. I never thought to list out all her family members who played Quidditch, as you did in the chapter, but clearly she has some very athletic and talented relations. I liked the touch of Hugo knowing the water-repelling spell (I can't remember its name at the moment). Also, I liked that you called her broom a Stargazer, a totally new broom name. I think it's weird when people write about Nimbus 20 Thousands, Cleansweep 5 Millions, and Firebolt Deluxe Supremes or whatever.
I also liked that you wrote about a really long game. After all, in the books we read that matches often can last a long time, but there isn't a single long match in the whole series. They are all rather short. It's nice that Lily got her own distinctions of being the only person in Hogwarts history to score all the points in a game. It's doubly nice that she got her little romantic moment. It added something to the story, although it would have been fine without as well.Author's Response: I can't remember how I came up with the name Entwhistle, I'm glad you liked it though.
When you look at both Lily's parents and then at her extended family, there really were quite a few really good Quidditch players, so I thought it would stand to reason that she would feel pressure to do well herself in that area. I agree that it's a little strange that people keep using the same broom names over and over again, when in the series we see that new broom names are brought out all the time, I thought it reasonable that there would be a new model in this time period.
When I wrote this piece I knew I wanted to show a longer game simply for the reason that we never got to see one in the books. I just had to add a little romantic moment in at the end, I thought it would be a nice way to end the story.
Thanks again for reviewing! I can't believe how many of my stories you have reviewed in such a short amount of time! I'm glad you seem to be enjoying them. Report Review
I liked this a lot. It is a well thought out and plotted story and you have a good sense of character and the Quidditch match has a unique out come, and I especially like that all the Potter's and Weasley's Quidditch glory is dependent on Lily, and the scene with the Scamander twins made me laugh. I also like how you drop the hints, that a player or two is the son of daughter of a previous Hogwarts student.
Did you think a bit of crossing us up and make the game about Lily winning the cup for Ravenclaw?
There are a few awkward phrases, and a few sentences that could be edited a bit better for instance: "Madam Cumulus reckons it’s a record,” Hugo added, “She said it’s the first time in the history of Hogwarts that only one person scored any points for the entire game.” Would be better with out the phrase "scored any points for the entire game", since it is repeating the earlier sentence.
The name of the Qui-judge is also distracting because it has to much of a 'double entrada' meaning. I like the idea of naming her after a cloud though. So why not say Stratus Sinastra?
In general it lacks detail. For example, we know nothing about Kevin at all except that he is tall and no idea at all as to why Lily likes him. Maybe a flashback is in order. Also we know the keepers are making a lot of saves, but not how. Who is the keeper for Ravenclaw by the way? Because the Ravenclaw seeker is also spectacular.
You need to make the action a bit more immediate. Be giving us details you can engage us more. Not that it isn't engaging. It is but only on a 'skim level'.
One player shots at a hoop, but which hoop? Some of this is understanable in the context of the story, since it is so cloudy, but...btw you do a good job describing the weather, but you could give us more. For instance how close does the lightning come to Lily?
If you have Quidditch through the ages, you can re-read it and describe various penalties called, moves etc.and thus bring in detail.
If you want you can use, some tricks of JKR, like letting the players overhear some of the commentary.
In general I really liked this fic it was entertaining. To be great though, you need to show more. Keep this in mind. Action isn't action unless it happens and we see it happening.
i.e. Compare the impact of say: He was bleeding. To: He bled rivulets, little crooked streaks of life fluid, streams of courage.
As Luna might say. Detail the pudding.Author's Response: Thank you so much for your in-depth critique of this one-shot. I'm glad you liked the scene with the Scamander twins, I thought it would be a fun little reference to Luna. I know it tends to be cliche having every single Weasley next-gen in Gryffindor, but the way I imagine Lily I see her as a Gryffindor through and through - I see her as strongly taking after Ginny and Harry.
I'll have to re-read those sentences in the story and see if I can make them sound a bit better. I did want the double meaning with the name, but I guess it isn't quite subtle enough.
I've actually never been told before that my writing lacks detail. I believe there are probably some places where more description would enhance the story, but at the same time I don't want to go overboard either - simplistic details can sometimes sound better than over-the-top details. Sometimes it is hard to find that balance. Also at the time I wrote this I was writing for a challenge and trying to meet a deadline, so perhaps it wasn't as detailed as it could have been. You have certainly given me a lot to think about in this regard.
As for the action, this is the first time I have written an action piece so forgive the lack of details involving the game, hopefully it is a skill I will develop. I don't own Quidditch through the ages, so my inspiration comes strictly from the books.
Thanks for reading and taking the time to review. Report Review
I enjoyed reading this a lot. It was a very good one-shot, and nicely written.
I love how you characterized Lily. You can see how she has a lot of Ginny in her, but there's some of Harry's characteristics as well. She's just so determined to do well. And I like how you wrote her sometimes trying to live up to her famous family, and in the end when she got with Xavier, just not caring any more.
Your writing was very good as well. You have a nice descriptive style to your writing, that I like to read. You can also get into your character very well. And you could write a quidditch match very well, which is something that a lot of writers here find hard.
Your spelling & grammar is very good as well. Length was very suitable for this too. You didn't have this super long, or very short. Pace was excellant too.
10/10Author's Response: I'm so glad you liked this story. I characterised Lily how I imagine her to be, which is mostly like Ginny, with a few of Harry's characteristics as well, so I'm glad that came across. I thought it was probably hard for all the Potter kids growing up having to live up to the names of two famous parents, but even more so for Lily because she has two older brothers to live up to as well.
This is the first time I've attempted to write Quidditch, and it was definitely a challenge, I'm glad you thought I wrote it well.
Thank you so much for your review. Report Review
This is a very well thought out and developed story that you have here. The descripitions are excellent and the emotions of Lily wanting to be her own person are evident. Overall, I like this piece. Good job!Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review, I'm really glad you liked it! Report Review
I really liked the story! She got to prove her self and still one the guy"s heart. Good story with a happy ending. The only thing that I noticed was when you said her grandfather James had been a chaser ... I thought he was a seeker like Harry? Anyway ... Keep up the good work! 10/10Author's Response: I'm so glad you liked this story. It's the first next gen story I've written and I thought it would be interesting writing about Lily proving herself, rather than Albus (who many people seem to write about). Actually James was a chaser, but it's confusing because in the movies they say he is a seeker, and of course in book 5 he is playing with a snitch. He was definitely a chaser though. Thanks so much for the review! Report Review
Aw, this was a very cute one-shot that you wrote here. I've never read any of your stories before, but I felt that in the spirit of the House Cup challenge I should broaden my reading field.
This was very well-written and I appreciate all the thought and time you must have put into naming some of your characters. Xavier is such an amazing name; I always find it so mysterious. Your descriptions are great and you utilize a lot of the senses to tell and not just write. Also, I think the next generation children match up to their parents so well! I found it really cute when Hugo casted a spell on Lily, because it reminded me of the time where Hermione casted one on Harry's glasses so he could see in the rain. The detail and build up that you had for the snitch scene worked really well. I could feel the anticipation she had in knowing that this moment meant everything to her and the history she wanted to be apart of. The only aspect I found a little disappointing was how quickly Xavier dove in and kissed Lily. I did anticipate it, but it was a tad bit too sudden. Otherwise, everything was wonderful!Author's Response: I'm so glad you decided to read one of my stories, I too have been taking the opportunity to broaden my horizons in terms of fanfics during this challenge. It really is such a great challenge idea.
I love putting thought into naming OCs because I like them to sound authentic without sounding over-the-top. I've always liked the name Xavier too, I thought it would be the perfect name for this particular character. I've always been a big believer in 'show, don't tell' when writing, and I really wanted to utilise that idea in this fic so that my readers could feel like they were a part of the action.
Yes, there was definitely a bit of Hermione showing in that scene with Hugo, I think many of us end up being more like our parents than we realise. I loved writing Lily in this fic, I really wanted to capture her feelings of trying to live up to her name and trying to meet those high expectations she would most certainly have for herself being of such a talented and famous family.
The kiss... I just had another reviewer comment on that today too. I guess I had spent so much time detailing the Quidditch match I didn't put much thought into the kiss. It is definitely something I will keep in mind for the future.
Thanks so much for your review! Report Review
I really like the idea in this story. About Lily trying to live up to her family. Cause lets face it Lily has a lot to live up to. I think you did a really great job describing the actual Quidditch game. It was descriptive without giving the readers a complete play-by-play.
The only thing I was curious about was Albus. He is never mentioned in this story and I was curious if he played at all or just for Slytherin or what. The only other mentionable part was Lily getting her boyfriend at the end was a bit sudden but overall it wasn't bad at all. Besides it was a one shot after all :P Anyway great job and I can't wait to read more of your work!
P.S. The title is fantastic! So perfect :DAuthor's Response: I'm glad you liked my fic, I thought it would be interesting focusing on Lily as a Quidditch player rather than her two brothers as most Next Gen fics do. Writing Quidditch was a first for me, so it's good to know you thought I did it well. It is always going to be difficult writing any sport without it sounding play-by-play, so thank-you for the compliment.
This fic was set in Lily's final year at Hogwarts, so of course Albus had already finished school, hence why he wasn't mentioned. I also didn't mention him in regard to past family members who played because I didn't think all three of the children necessarily played Quidditch either (although so many fanfics portray Albus as a Quidditch player). I guess it was just my take on it, I picture Albus perhaps being more academic.
Thanks for the CC and for the review. And I'm glad you liked the title! :) Report Review
I really liked this!
I liked the fact that this was about Lily, but wasn't about romance. I've found it difficult finding fics like this. Lol.
The writing was superb, as were the descriptions. I could practically see everything you were talking about. I am so happy that Lily carved a name out for herself and got the guy in the process. YEY LILY.
By the way, the twins with the hats. SO CUTE! (I love the Scamander twins, but I have them very differently, so seeing them like this is a fun change.)
Very nice story!
CheleCookeAuthor's Response: I really wanted to write something different for Lily than the usual romance. I thought it would be interesting putting her in a Quidditch situation because usually that's how her two brothers are depicted, but not Lily.
lol the twins in the hats, I thought perhaps they might be a little bit like their mother lol.
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Hello, fellow Ravenclaw here! :) Very well-written. And the ending was really cute. 10/10!Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing (isn't the review chain great). :) Report Review
aww. this is good. (:Author's Response: Thank-you so much. :) Report Review
that was really good. you are great at writing about quidditch!Author's Response: Thank-you so much! This was my first attempt at writing Quidditch so I'm glad you liked it. Report Review
You already know how I feel about this story: I loved it. I don't know how it ended up, but please add one vote to it from me. I was going to go to my sister's and vote on her computer (as the site already thought I had voted, which I had not) but the voting closed before I could do so.
I hope you return to Next Gen stories because the magic you bring to these stories should not be restrained...you are pigeon-holing yourself by not writing a variety of settings.
(Okay, that was supposed to be a joke.)
Thank you for your story.Author's Response: Thanks so much, it did not win unfortunately, nor even make it to the finals, but it's good to know that at least one person out there was supporting it, even if you didn't get to vote. I did ask the staff about it on the forums and they said you may have accidentally voted for a story without realising.
As with writing Marauders era in Gone, but not Forgotten, I had never really considered writing next gen either until I wrote this one shot. But as you well know, I love exploring different genres and settings, and now I love exploring different eras too. ;)
Thanks for taking the time to review, I always love hearing from you. Report Review
Hey there! This is xX mOoNdAnCe Xx from the forums, with the review that you requested =]
This was so cute! I adored the fact that you gave Lily the middle name Luna, it made me chuckle =D
Your descriptions were lovely, and there were no grammar or spelling mistakes that stood out to me, so well done there.
You kept surprising me throughout this fic, as the game didn't go at all like I expected. I literally gasped when I read that she got hit in the face with a bludger, haha!
I loved the parts about her wanting/feeling as though she had to live up to her family's standards; I never actually realised how great the Potters and Weasleys were at Quidditch =D
All in all, this was a very enjoyable fic, well done!
Love xX mOoNdAnCe XxAuthor's Response: Wow! I wasn't expecting you to review so quickly!
I'm so glad you enjoyed this fic, it was my first attempt at a next gen story.
I can't claim credit for giving Lily the middle name Luna, that was all JKR's doing (she has a Weasley family tree on her website).
This is also my first attempt at a Quidditch based fic, so I was a little unsure if it was too drawn out or if it had enough action, but I'm glad it kept surprising you.
Yeah, quite a few of the Weasleys/Potters were avid Quidditch players, so I thought Lily would most definitely feel she had a lot to live up to. I wanted to portray how much Lily wanted to live up to the expectations placed upon her, but at the same time stand out from her family.
Thank-you so much for reviewing, xX mOoNdAnCe Xx, I really appreciate it. :) Report Review
I loved it! Triple smiley face! :):):)Author's Response: Thanks so much! :) :) :) Report Review
I remember reading this among the duel entries... it was a very cute story! I love the ending. You did an awesome job of characterizing Lily in just a one-shot and I really liked that you used Lily as the Quidditch player rather than James or Albus. I don't think I've ever seen a story where she's the Quidditch star, so great idea! Your description was wondering - I really could picture the scene entirely. Great story!Author's Response: Thanks Labby! I also noticed that most next gen fics have James or Albus as Quidditch players, but no one has Lily. But I absolutely think it's likely that Lily would have been a great Quidditch player, considering she has Ginny as her mother. This is my first next gen fic, so I'm really glad you liked my characterisation and my story. :) Report Review
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