Well, that was interesting for a first chapter. I really think I'll go ahead when I have enough time.
I appreciated your second note, in which you admitted not knowing much French and thus decided you would just italicize instead of relying on translators.
Some authors, far less clever, cannot do without reverso and such whenever they have to write in a foreign language they don't know.Author's Response: Well, I don't wanna butcher a language. And as soon as I actually get the time to plot this story out more (it was plotted on my other computer which crashed), I plan on picking it back up.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
An interesting idea! Please update soon xAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review. Report Review
It's Meera from the forums, here to review your story. I'm sorry it's taken so long, I've had exams :(
Well, first off, I like what I've read, and the summary and banner are good- they draw people in without giving away too much.
I normally look upon exchange fics with a wary eye, but this seems to be okay. Just make sure you don't fall into too many cliches, like having a Mary Sue exchange student who'll help Harry, Ron and Hermione save the world from Voldemort. It's pretty common :(
Your characterisation so far has been pretty good. The Weasleys seem very close, maybe even closer than they are in canon (but that's fine, because it's sweet :) ). Molly's as caring as usual, and Arthur's just as clueless, which is pretty funny. I LOVE your Ron, he's so sweet! Emotional displays aren't easy for him, are they?
As for Avril and her family, we haven't seen too much of them in this chapter, but I'm imagining that if they were going to participate in an exchange program such as this, Avril would know a substantial amount of English, and her parents would know some too. Just something to think about. Not many parents would send their teenage kid to a country where they know nothing of the language, and I'm not sure a dictionary would be able to help THAT much...
As for their use of magic, I thought that Charlie Apparating to get Ginny's dictionary was a bit much. It's kind of a careless way to use magic, though that's just my opinion.
Your grammar and use of language is pretty good. I thought the wording of the letter was a bit too colloquial. I imagine that a letter about an exchange program would be more formal, and not as familiar. Maybe that's something you can work on.
"She lead Ginny to a bedroom that most likely belonged to Avril."
I think that should probably be 'led' instead of 'lead'.
I don't think I saw anything apart from that, which is great!
Well, you're probably thinking by now, "Wow, she's horrible," but I really did like your story, and I'd love to read more of it when you've posted it. Make sure you let me know on the thread.
- Meera :)Author's Response: Thanks for pointing that out to me. I'll have to fix it. And I may eventually go and fix some of the careless plot errors that I made in this chapter, but I'm still trying to get the second chapter up at the moment. xD Thanks for the review! Report Review
I have mixed feelings about this one. Let me start by saying that you sure have a handle on dialogue; there's no problem with that. The plot of your story might be a tad bit cliche--exchange students and all that. However, I foresee that you'll be able to make this story interesting because you're a good writer.
There are some points you can improve on though. Your characterisation, for example. I know it can't always be helped, but sometimes some characters seem to appear or be there only for the convenience of the author and the story. Be careful with that; developing their personality more with emotions or actions may help. In line with characterisation Ron was his usual awkward self, but the twins were a bit lacking for me. And I pity how they treat Arthur.
Also, I think I might have enjoyed this chapter more if it included Avril more, to leave the readers conjecturing what kind of person Avril is like and what certain events may follow because of her, etc.
To conclude, your story shows much promise but needs just as much hard work--which is the same for all stories.Author's Response: Aw! Thanks for the compliment!
And yeah I'm having a hard time with Fred and George. They are so much not like me and its difficult to adjust.
There will be loads of Avril soon. Promise. The story is about her after all. xD
Thanks for the review. Report Review
Hey, this is realize from the forums. Here is your review.
Okay well beginning with a letter was rather an interesting way to go. It made me question your intelligence a little bit. I mean do you know how many people on this site begin with a letter that sounds and even looks exactly like this? The they will be going to your school and they yours was not needed that is the whole point of exchange. I would really just redo the whole beginning part.
You need to explain why just about the entire family was there. There were parts of your story that made me cringe. The reason was the way that you worded your sentences. Okay I felt as though the story had huge gaps in it. You went for here to there and then back and I could not really follow it. In my mind everything seemed to peachy and perfect, it was annoying to read, about her mothers sacrifice and how they will manage. I read were Ginny was going, and I could tell you the plot for here on out. It is very cliché, and I have not even finished the chapter.
Having a Cliché story always seems to get many reviews; however, it does not mean that it is any good. I am sitting here wishing for something bad to happen so that I do not fall asleep at the next sentence. Charlie came out of nowhere would not she be surprised? Okay I do not like the fact that people just keep popping here and there. Maybe, find another way of transportation? I did not really get a good picture of Avril in my head. I would have liked a little more description. In addition, why do they Weasley’s always have to be almost late everywhere they go? I was glad that Ginny’s new parents were not all gushy and stuff.
Overall, you really could use a beta. If you want. I could help you just send me a P.M. You had several unneeded words, phrases, and you had some problems with punctuation. You need to make some changes in the beginning. 6.5/10Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Report Review
What an interesting concept this is! :D
I liked the beginning with the letter, though it should've been less personal like most administrative Ministry letters are. Oh and also, there is nothing wrong with saying 'in the name of Merlin'. Mrs. Weasley's reaction was really uncalled for in this case.
Except a few typos, this chapter was very well-written. I liked your portrayal of the Weasley family. It was all very nice, from Molly comforting Ginny while she was packing to Fred, George and Ron sitting around her bed and sharing a very lovely and funny sibling moment. However, you can stop putting Gin into every dialogue when the other characters talk to her. It's been used in lot and is quite unnecessary. Though that's a little minor detail.
What i think is the main problem here that while this first chapter was very good, I'm missing any given significance or importance of it except the letter, which explained the events. Since this is a story centered around your OC and Ron, why do we read so much about Ginny? Up until the end it would be okay, but I was expecting to see that you would go along with Avril and the Weasleys after their families met, to give us a glimpse of their first reactions and impressions. You see, it's not really a problem, but in order to build up a solid story, you have to decide on your main focus. Other than that, still very nice. :)
By the way, i was a bit put off by the way this Thomas guy told them how to use a dictionary. Surely they're not as clueless. Oh and if you want to be creative, in the next chapter you could create some sort of a wizarding dictionary, which would make the translations easier. :) Wizarding folk have their ways to make things easy and being a French student myself, i know how hard it is to translate the Muggle way, especially when people talk in French, which is fast and even though it sounds beautiful, it sounds like beautiful gibberish. :D
PS: Oh but poor Ginny, having to go away to Beauxbatons. I really feel for her.Author's Response: Thanks for the review.
Mrs. Weasley's reaction wasn't to the 'in the name of Merlin'. She was reacting to what Ron was going to add to it. She just didn't want that language at the dinner table.
The first chapter was meant to be from Ginny's point of view. She isn't going to be in the story except for an occasional letter or two from now on. The second chapter begins with Avril and the Weasleys. I wanted to show some of Avril's parents' personalities before I really went and began showing her's. A lot of her personality comes from her mother, but some comes from her father. (This story is for the Canon Character/You challenge, so Avril is like me... except she knows French. xD)
I plan on them having to translate the muggle way. In my mind it will be funnier if they lookup the wrong word. Like someone trying to talk to Avril and they accidentally insult her. xD Report Review
This is Ariana from the forums.
I like the start you have given this story, the way the Weasleys supported Ginny was how i imagined it, i did expect Ron to be bit more weary though, with his distrust in Ginny and Boys. i mean all those hot french boys. :)
i didn't spot any grammar mistakes as far as i could tell
"You must remember to write." this sentence though sprung out at me, from the rest of the story i am guessing that Ginny is only fourteen and i think maybe that sentence seems... a little formal for a fourteen year old.
other than that i think it was brilliant there are so many directions you can go with this not only focusing on Avril and Ron as it say in the summary but showing Ginny's experiences as well, the not knowing english and or french will make the story quite funny in a lost in translation way.
Like when you say the wrong thing because two word are similar to you. i have done that myself. :)
i would love to read more when you extend this so please don't hesitate to request a review again
Steph @0o0@Author's Response: Thanks. I plan on starting on the second chapter tonight. I think I've finally gotten my muse back for this story, which I'm really happy about. =D Report Review
This is an interesting start. I like the idea, it’s a different tweak from the usual exchange student plot. The fact that it’s a Ron/OC also interests me. I’m looking forward to see how you’d develop Avril’s character. Keep up the good work! ^_^Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I'm having a bit of a block on this story, but I am working on the second chapter. Report Review
It's a fairly unique plot. I've never read a story were they actually switched places. It's usually some foreign girl getting all the guys at Hogwarts. So I like the idea of Ginny gonig to France.
I do have a question though. Why would they send her to France if she didn't know any french? I know she's there to learn about it and stuuf but I would think they wouldn't ship her off without her not knowing how to basicly communicate with people.
The characterizations are right on, especially Mrs. Weasley.
Descriptions are pretty good. Maybe just a tad more.
That's it! Keep up the good work.Author's Response: Thanks for the review. And they can communicate a little, like enough to get the basics like food, water, and the bathroom, but they weren't sent at the beginning of summer so they could learn and spend time in the country to get the feel of living in a country that was different than their own. Report Review
This is a very interesting chapter and an intriguing storyline. I haven't read any fanfics like this one yet, so I'm very curious to see how it goes. Your overall characterization seemed pretty good, but Ron seemed a little off. When he left the room yelling to his mother, I was confuseld because it was not realistic that he actually would have done that.
I like the story, but I felt it was a little rushed. Was the letter completely unexpected? If so, I think the family would have been a little more shocked. Was it something that they knew about but didn't know if it was happening? If so, this should be mentioned somewhere.
I think the story could be improved by slowing down and describing the emotions. All of a sudden, Ginny is packing up with less than a day's notice and not going to see her family for a year. I think she would have a stronger reaction to that, even if it is a confused reaction between happiness, excitement, sorrow, and concern. It might help to write down what you think she is thinking and feeling, then finding a way to incorporate that into the story.
Along with the emotion, I think some of the scenes were a little rushed. I can't believe Ginny would have packed everything so quickly. Unlike Harry, I always imagined that she would have more possessions and they would be spread around the house, and not just her room. Even just adding a line like, "After what seemed like hours, Ginny finally managed to collect everything," would make it more believable.
One last critique: Charlie's presence in Ginny's room seemed no purpose than to just include him in the scene. You should either make him have a larger role, or have the others comment about how he's always just popping in and out of places to make the scene make more sense.
Wooo...I'm sorry that was so long-winded. Despite the ramblings, I really enjoyed this chapter and thought it was a great start of a story. Hopefully, my suggestions will take this chapter to the next level. Keep up the great work and I look forward to reading more!Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Report Review
I really liked it. haha, I thought that the idea was very origional and well written. The story had a clear beginning and end. I liked your vocabulary and your amount of detail was spot on. Overall I really liked it, great job.
Ps: Sorry for not leaving you an extremely amazing review, I'm homesick today and don't feel my best so once again, sorry for that.*sighs* I hoped you like it anyway. tehe.Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Report Review
Here to review as requested -
I thought this was great first chapter. Though, I think it would have been better if you had wrote that both Ginny and Avril knew how to speak the languages before switching places. It just makes more sense to me if it was that way, kind of like it has to be a requirement. But it'll still be great if you keep it how you planned. Other than that, this chapter was well-writen and appears to have a good plotline planned out. Keep up the great writing.Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Report Review
Good beginning chapter, I really like it. I like the idea of an exchange program too because you never really get to see those in stories.
It is a good way to go when transfer students are so disliked. I really enjoyed this chapter and can't wait until more comes out!Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Report Review
Wow this is a fantastic idea for a story. Im not a big fan of the whole exchange student idea, but i think so far this is great. I cant wait to read more.
I am sorry it took me so long to review, but i am glad that i have gotten around to reading it.
I hope you post more soon.
Rons GurlAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review. I'm working on the second chapter now. Report Review
Positive things - it's an original take/plot. Most exchange stories don't involve Ginny, so this is really neat. Also, i like how she managed to stay in character. Oh, and I LOVE Your characterization of Charlie!! lol he seems like a sweetheart.
Negative things - none really because this is just the first chapter - you don't have any glaring errors, and i'm waiting to find out more about Avril.
Overall, i'm really excited to see what you're going to do with this story.
Leave me a comment on the forums when you post again, and i'll be sure to review again =)
~MarisaAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review. Report Review
This is an interesting concept that I haven't seen done yet. I wonder what it will be like for Ginny in France and for the Weasleys with Avril at their house! :) Definitely some drama, if I'm right about it...Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Report Review
First off, a really interesting plot-line. This is much more pluasible than many other transfer-students-plots, as here we get the back story, and we get to know the host-families, etc, etc.
Also, you write it well, and though this was a bit dull (it's only the opening chapter and all, nothing really happened if you get what I mean), it looks really promising.
One thing you should think about though, is dialogue. It reads very forced...
Also, you have this odd habit of capitalizing some words. like 'Rise and Shine', and 'all Italicizised'. I doubt that's the correct way to go about it.
Anyway, a lovely beginning to an interesting story! ^^Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Report Review
Hi, I finally made it to your story. Here's chiQs09 from the forums.
I liked how you started the story. With the letter and all that from Mr. Anderson to Ginny... Your description was good, but a lot of signigificant information was missing.
Ginny as an exchange student, spending a year in France, living in a family with no one knowing how to speak English... That'd be tough. Why did she have to make a very quick decision? It was like she just received the letter and tomorrow she had to give her answer if she accepts it or not... It doesn't sound realistic to me...
"Anything else you need help with, dear?" Molly left the room after Ginny shook her head. This line was okay, but maybe it would flow better if you switch the sequence. Like: "Anything else you need help with, dear?" After Ginny shook her head, Molly left the room. Dunno, just my opinion because my thought got interrupted at that part...
“We thought you was dying... - Didn't you mean: “We thought you were dying."?
Now I noticed something; why Ginny of all people? Did she win the 'trip'? You should've mentioned why it wasn't Hermione that has been chosen for the exchange student program. Seeing that Ginny was quite surprised because it was her who got picked. Why does she have to maintain her grades Exceeds Expectations? Wouldn't that be for Hermione easier? High grades, French Dictionary... Were all these requirements? Or maybe the program was just for fifth year students... It wasn't clear... It lacked explanations in some parts.
Towards the end, it wasn't very clear who said this: “Now, each of you should have a French to English dictionary, so you should at least be able to know what people are saying. If you don't, simply hand them the book and have them point to the words, so you can understand them.” but I assume it was Mr. Anderson? It seemed like he thinks Ginny is dumb? Why is he talking like Ginny doesn't know what to do? Simple and clear instructions would've sufficed here... ^_^
Over all, I quite liked this plot. Though there were a few dialogue errors and mistakes. I couldn't point out everything. Let me know when you update... ^__^Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Report Review
Hey there, dear. :]
This is a very interesting concept. It's like you've taken the cliched idea of a foreign exchange student at Hogwarts and added your own spin to it.
I think that your characterization was nice in this opening chapter. I especially liked your portrayal of Molly. Overall, I think you did a nice job with this opening chapter, and I can't really think of much else to critique.
Good luck to you!Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Report Review
-- hey it's jet --
I'm so sorry this took so long. :(
First off, I really enjoy your writing style. You have an interesting plot here and I think you can go far with this story. Next off, kudos to you for not trusting translators (the wretched things... *eyes one warily*). lol. I suppose you could find a french beta? Well, that might take a while...
So I just have a few nit-picky corrections. :P
"There are a few things that you have to agree to, however."
I think that this sounds quite akward. Perhaps flip it around so it's However, there are a few conditions you must agree to.
"A loud pop bounced off the walls"
That didn't really make sense to me. I think you mean the sound echoed off the walls so you might want to change that.
Overall, well done.
10/10Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Report Review
This is Hawty from the forum review thread. I think that you definitely have an orginal idea for a story and I am interested to see where you take this story. For ways to which you could improve perhaps describe the secenery more since the scenery is key in this story. Also this chapter has a lot of dialouge in it and could use some more narration. Translators work fine, I have used them a lot. But if you do not trust them perhap start a thread in the help needed/offered asking for some french words.
This is a wonderful start to a story and I am interested in this. Keep on writing!
ClairezAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review. Once I get over another bad case of Writer's block, I'll update. Report Review
Hello! I apologize for the long wait on the review, but I have been very busy as of late (exams, sports, other random activities). I'm sorry about that. Anyways, onto this.
I thought the letter was too... casual. I don't really know that man very well, but i would think a letter of that importance would be more formal... There was also a spot where there should have been a semi-colon instead of a comma, but that isn't a problem.
"Does that letter say anything about the girl that'll be coming in your place?"
Haha, I thought that was really funny. It's totally something that Ron--no, any boy--would say. I could totally picture it. :D
“We thought you was dying. The way you sounded.”
There is a grammatical error in that sentence, and I'm not really fond of that period. I think it should be more like this:
"We thought you were dying, the way you sounded."
I liked the end when we were introduced to Avril! I like that name, too.
I wish this review could have been longer, but my time has been cut short once again! I apologize for that. Still, I thought it was a nice start to what I expect to be a nice fanfiction! Great job!Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I'm trying to get a beta, so hopefully those errors will be gone. I thought it would be best for Ron to say that, since it was a touching moment and he "has the emotional range of a teaspoon." Report Review
Haha I laughed several times at how cute your Weasleys are, I think you have kept the entire family in character, especially Molly and Arthur's relationship. They are just too cute, with Molly yelling at Arthur to agree with her every five seconds and him rarely paying attention or knowing the right thing to say. :D I like how her brothers are all conscientious and worried about Ginny going away. One thing I wonder though - if she is exchanging places with a French girl and staying with that girls' family, why are they named Jack, Elizabeth, and Avril Smith? The names are too English for me I think, especially since these people are natives of France and don't even speak English that well. Maybe if you changed the names to Jacques, Isabelle, and keep Avril (I guess that can pass for French) or something like that, it would be more realistic. I think it's cool that you are taking the very cliche idea of a exchange program and making a twist of your own, by having a Hogwarts character go away from Hogwarts (instead of just the typical Beauxbatons or Durmstrang kid coming to Hogwarts, and that's that). So that's a nice little change. Anyway the writing was good, I didn't see any huge spelling or grammar errors that jumped out at me. So nice work! :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Avril is a French name, but when I picked her parents name's I forgot to look them up, so I randomly put names in. xD Report Review
I really like the idea of this story. It's nice and original and I can definitely see a good story coming out of this. I assume the rest of this is going to be about Avril because that's in your summary, but I liked the introduction of Ginny and her thoughts and feelings. I think you did a really good job with her character... she was well developed and she seems very in canon.
Your spelling and grammar all looks pretty good. I just noticed one minor thing:
Your rather ashy now.
That your should be you're in the case, since you're going for you are. There was another sentence that had that problem too, so I definitely suggest looking over it to see if you can fix it. Besides that I really didn't catch a grammar or spelling error, which is definitely good.
Another minor detail that kind of bothered me was in the beginning letter that said it shouldn't be too difficult to learn French. First off, the letter seemed a bit to informal. I don't think that would be put it a letter. Second, I'm not sure why it isn't too difficult to learn a whole new language that she's never spoken before. Learning languages isn't usually very easy. I'm just being picky for that one though.. not a big deal.
Finally, I'm wondering why Ginny is going to live with the French parents. Isn't she going to the school? Wouldn't she go to the dorms there?
Besides that this seems like it will turn out pretty well. Feel free to post in my thread again and let me know when you update!Author's Response: I meant that since last year was the Tri-wizard tournament and the students from Beauxbatons came, she may have picked up on the language a bit. I should make that clearer, I guess.
Also its only the beginning of summer, so the French parents are going to teach Ginny French while the Weasley's try to teach Avril English.
I'm getting a beta, so hopefully those mistakes will be fixed. Thanks for pointing them out to me. I'll remember to post in your thread again when I update.
Thanks for the review. Report Review
This is Hermione G from the forum review thread, as promised. I like the idea of your story, it not a cliche. This was an interesting concept. I am assuming that Fred, George, and Ron just wanted her to leave so the French girl could come. Right, now I have to get to your areas of concern.
*goes to check areas of concern*
Anything to improve on. Well, details are always helpfuf but you did pretty good on that. This chapter had a lot of dialouge so perhaps describe what is going on a bit more. The dialouge between her and her family was good. Perhaps add some more details about what her house is like really and then sort of compare it with the other house. Not sure if that made any sense.
Grammar was for the most part fine. You have your characterizations fine, especially Ginny. I am really intrigued by Avrille. Ron is too I think. When you update feel free to post on my thread again.
KaraAuthor's Response: In the next chapter, the Burrow will be described a lot, since Avril will be taking it all in for the first time. I'm really happy that the characterizations are good, since I was worried that it wouldn't sound like the characters very much.
I'll remember to post in your thread once I update. Thanks for the review. Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection