i've recently read all the chapters you've updated for this
story and I am so impressed!
it's beautiful and ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL! xD
keep going pretty please!
it's so awesome! i love the whole Harry/Haley thing
lol. i kept thinking earlier to myself about Haley's name.
Since i'm asian i sometimes pronounce
my "L's" like an "R" or vice versa
and then i said Harry and Haley's name and i was all "OMG!" xD
maybe it's just a coinky-dink or something. idk. i just thought that was funny.
seriously though, i love your story.
it's pure righteous.
& you, my dear, have a gift. :3Author's Response: You brought a smile to my face. Thank you so much for reading my story. It was actually my first hpff ever and I haven't been able to write in what seems like forever. It was a complete fluke that I signed in and read your wonderful review. Honestly, I just had a moment of longing to write something again and your review may have just pushed me into doing it.
So, thank you once again, and hopefully, I will have something for you to read soon. Report Review
I adore your story.
I really really do.
Please keep it up, Im very excited to see where it goes.
10/10Author's Response: Hi there!
Wow, I'm so glad you liked it! I have written anything for this story in such a long time but I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Hopefully, one day, I'll get the chance to write some more of it.
I'm sure it'll be soon. Thanks again!
GG007 Report Review
Hey, this is realizes from the forum. I am here to review.
The story has a good plot in the making. However, I did realize that almost every single paragraph began with her name, and I think that if you changed that it would be easier to read. I feel as though everything is Haley this, Haley that. I am having hard time reading because it is very bother some. Nothing really seemed to grab me in this chapter, you need to create something that will hold the readers attention, and keep them wanting more. I think that you need to add a lot more to this chapter. I did not hear the conversation, and I am wondering what else could happen. Please add more detail.
I posted in my thread, that I would be only reviewing one chapter unless I really liked the story. Your story has some Grammar/Spelling issues that a beta could take care of. Over all however, the story was a 7.2/10. Try to work on the things that I mentioned. Author's Response: Thanks for taking the time to leave a review :) I appreciate your ideas and will consider them when I edit. Thanks again. Report Review
Here I am again. :)
I would like to tell you that I only review the first two chapters. You can request another two chapters if I have a spot open; just put I would like you to review for me again, or something like that, and put you link. Now, review time.
I liked that you put this chapter in Harry's POV. It makes it seem more interesting and very well thought out. The end was kinda funny; Harry's reaction to Lupin and Haley leaving him like that. I know it was a serious moment, but I couldn't help but laugh when I picture Harry in my head after that.
Bad news. I think that this all happened a bit fast in this chapter. Maybe you could slow it do a bit by adding description, or putting mini plots here and there. I would go with the description but I've always been a big description person and some people just aren't, so I would advise you to be careful about that.
All-in-all, a very good two chapters. Can't wait to see what happens next, but I have other reviews to get to so come by and request again. Hope I helped.8/10
BrowneyesAuthor's Response: Two reviews is plenty but I will definitely drop in again to request the next 2 chapters :)
I'm glad that you enjoyed reading Harry's POV. I tried to make his actions and thoughts realistic so I hope I achieved that.
I was a little surprised that you found that this chapter moved too quickly but I appreciate your thoughts. As I think I mentioned in my previous response to your review I'm going to do a major editing project so I will take your advice into consideration.
Once again, glad you liked it and thanks for the review! Report Review
Here I am as you requested. :)
I would like to say that I am so sorry you had to wait for such a long time. I'm afraid that school has been busy, but now that I'm out I'll be able to put more time into reviews. Now without further adue, your review (That rhymed hehe.).
The beginning was very interesting,and I enjoyed knowing how Haley felt. I think it's important to get a good feel for the characters. Haley seems really troubled in the beginning, probably because she feels she doesn't belong. Your description was well done, but I do think you can come on stronger than you did in this chapter (I'll go more into this in the second chapter.). The flow went smoothly and I could tell that their was a bit of a rush at the end.
Now, time for the bad news. I do think you could use some more description on this chapter. I, for one, am a big fan of description and not a whole lot of readers share my views; so if you think that it is fine with description please ignore this part. The second thing that I see is that you seem to pick up speed at the end. Kinda like when you're typing and you see that you're almost done and really want to get it to a close, so you type faster and may speed up, which I am also guilty of.
Hope I helped.8/10
BrowneyesAuthor's Response: Thanks for dropping in to review: Don't worry about the wait.
I'm glad that you thought you found this chapter interesting. I see what you are saying about the descriptions but I'm going to do a major edit of the whole story while the queue is closed (no changes to the actual plot but just spelling, grammar, descriptions and some minor character tweaks) so I will take care of this problem then.
Thanks again for you review!
I just want to say, another excellent job. You did very well in your descriptions of Haley's and the other characters settings and what was around them and how they felt. I also really like how you created Haley's reaction to being a witch, and I can't wait for her sorting. She's very intelligent, so it might be ravenclaw, but I have a feeling based on the plot so far that it will be Gryffindor. I'm very curious to see how she reacts when she sees Harry :) This is a really good plot line, in fact, one of the best I've seen when it comes to an OC. To reiterate, I really enjoyed how descriptive this chapter was, and it created a lot of plot possiblities :)
He has effected the wizarding world before and now he is back, returning to his dark ways
* effected should be affected
accompanied by a woman who wore her hair in a tight bun at the back of her head and dressed that dark, emerald robes
*should be "back of her head and dressed in dark, emerald robes"
But in reality Haley had know idea how
*need to change "know" to "no"
10/10 for an excellent jobAuthor's Response: Wow! 10/10! You just made me blush :) I'm ecstatic that you liked my story.
It's great to hear that you enjoyed reading my descriptions and the other character settings.
As for the sorting... you'll just have to read to find out but you're guesses are very good ;)
And of course the grammar...I will go back and fix those mistakes but I will have to wait until the queue is back open.
Thank you so much for your lovely reviews! Report Review
Sorry, nitpicking again lol.
"The girl lying in his bed was one of the most beautiful creatures he had ever seen"
I don't think she would be referred to as a creature, but thats just my humble opinion.
Now, as for plot, I think that you're doing a really good job in keeping the readers interested by having all this plot and advances in each chapter. However, I advise you not to entangle too much plot, because then the story may be a little too confusing.
Your story isn't confusing as of yet, however, because the plot runs smoothly and intertwines very well. I very much enjoy how you have developed a bit more of Haley's character, without even having her speak. This is a very good chapter, and I thought that Harry's reactions were very realistic.
Good job so far :)
9/10Author's Response: Don't worry about nitpicking! It's nice to have people pick up on things that I've missed :)
As for the plot, thanks for your advice. I know exactly what you mean about having the plot get too complicated to I will be sure to watch out for that.
It's great that you think I developed Haley's character well. At first I was a little worried and troubled by the whole thing but now I feel a little better about it.
Anyway, thank you so much for you kind and helpful reviews! Report Review
I just had one little nitpick for grammar:
She loved the way the summer made her feel.
I think it should be : She loved the way that summer made her feel.
Anyways, on to my general opinion.
I think it's a wonderful fic, I really enjoyed this chapter! I thought that maybe Haley could have used a bit more developing, but I have a feeling that will come in later chapters. I enjoy where (I think) this story is going, and you made a good capture for the readers :) I look forward to reading more of this story!
9/10Author's Response: Thanks for pointing out that grammar thing. I will go back and fix that up first chance I get. Also, I'm so glad that you enjoyed this first chapter. I hope you like the rest! Report Review
I love this story its brilliant you keep writing and I'm always going to read the next chapter keep up the excellent work =]Author's Response: I'm so happy that you enjoyed reading this story. It was my first fanfic so your positive feedback means a lot to me. I'm going to update soon so I hope I hear from you again! Report Review
hey dude, or dudette i suppose... lol
jsut started reading this fic... onyl beucase its my name!!! tee hee, i was just wondering one thing at the moment... how is it that you want ed to spell the name... in the summary you have it spelt with a y twice and without twice... and then it kinda of changes randomly... is that intentional?? lol if not you might wanna look into that...Author's Response: Oh, darn. Well there is kind of a story behind this but I won't bore you. At first it started out with a y but after I changed so I guess I just forgot to pick up the rest of the names in the summary...Whoops :) I'l go back and fix it soon, I promise. I hope you enjoyed it though! Report Review
Very lovely story you've got going here :)
Haley and Harry, well, they're just cute together. I liked the game of truth, and that Harry acted very in canon when asked about his parents by a girl he'd never spoken to before.
As for the almost kiss, I was getting scared, thinking 'they've only just met! This is Harry Potter, how can he do that?!'. Luckily they didn't, and I was able to breathe easily.
I think that you probably need to go into more depth as to why Haley is Head Girl, Dumbledore's line about maturity didn't really cover it all, in my opinion. Look at it this way: she's a new girl at the school, has known she's a witch for two weeks, has just lost her parents by murder and no body knows who she is. Why are the other students going to respect her as their Head Girl?
Apart from that, great story. Make sure you post in the thread when the next chapter comes out!
- Meera :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for leaving such thoughtful and helpful reviews. The head girl thing will be explained soon, I promise and I will let you know when the next chapter is up!
Hello again :)
I really like your story so far. You've got an interesting plot building up, and your characters have been explained well.
Harry and romance. Well, there's something that some people do really well, and some people don't. I like how you've portrayed him as an actual teenager, wanting to see Haley, but not declaring his love to her through a letter, or whatever. He wants to get to know her. It's gradual, which is good :)
Just a couple of minor spelling mistakes- a 'there' instead of 'their' in the last chapter, I think. Also, the Head Boy/Head Girl thing. In canon, as we know, there's just one Head Boy and one Head Girl for the entire school, not for each house, but hey! It's your own story, which means you can do what you like. However, if it's Haley, please make sure you explain WHY, as she's a new character, and we don't know if she's worthy *end hypothesising*. That's about it for nit-picking.
I'm gonna keep reading now.
- Meera :)Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! I'm happy you liked the whole Harry and romance thing. I tried to make it as close to canon as possible so I'm glad it turned out well. As for the Haley being head girl thing...I know the explanation right now isn't great but the real reason and explanation comes out eventually. Anyways, thanks for the review! Report Review
It's Meera from the forums, here to review your story :)
So far, I like what I've read. You've got a good way of explaining the situation, the setting, and the character's thoughts, which is awesome. Haley seems to have the potential to turn into a very interesting character!
Your grammar and spelling is perfectly fine, as is the format of your story. The only slight problem I had with this chapter was its length, but for a first chapter, and introduction to the story, it's alright.
I'm off to read the rest of your story now.
- Meera :)Author's Response: Well thank you! You said some really nice things :) I can't wait to receive more of your reviews! Report Review
Although in your authors note, you said that this chapter was difficult to write. Personally i think you did a wonderful job with it. The criticism's that i had in the last chapter were rectified in this one. You wrote this one very well! I like how Haley is able to attend Hogwarts. She is a great character and you really made her come alive! Its great!Author's Response: Wow, thank your so much. As a writer that really means a lot to me! Again, thank you :D Report Review
Wonderful start, one thing i would suggest is to not use the word "She" so much. For instance in one paragraph
"She soon saw a small dark alley way that lead into Privet Drive. She took a fast left hoping that she had lost her followers. The alley was dark but strangely cool for an August night. She maneuvered herself over garbage bags and pieces of junk. She soon entered a street that resembled her own. Identical houses lined the street on both sides, with white picket fences and manicured lawns. "
You used it 5 times in one paragraph. Also the word "soon" pops up many times through the chapter. It may move your story forward but in the same aspect it makes the story Choppy. You want it to flow together.
The concept of the story is great though. It gets to the action part of the story fairly quickly which makes readers excited and wanting to read more. You did a great job with the first chapter.Author's Response: Well, thank your for reviewing first of all. It great that you enjoyed reading the chapter and you thought I did a great job. It's a big compliment :D Anyways, I will definitely go back and tweak the whole 'she' and 'soon' thing. I completely missed that as I wrote it so thank you! Report Review
Hello again! Okay, so here's my advice:
I really think that maybe when your writing the next couple of chapters you could try and make it 'less cliched'
You have many of the 'typical' themes in your story so far:
-Head Boy and Girl
-learning magic amazingly fast
-the love at first sight thing
Those things tend to be a little bit more cliched in a 'perfect world' sense.
Sooo therefore, i would suggest putting in a some major unexpected twist.
Maybe Haley turns to the dark side and enjoys it better. Maybe she gets angry at Harry for lying about his past and withdraws herself from everyone. Maybe her dreams become to much for her and she ends up doing some self-destructive habit.
You could even decide that she ends up leaving the wizarding world because she just doesn't want to deal with it anymore.
All of these are clearly none 'cliched' topics that you could use to spruce up and excite your readers.
Most people don't like cliched stories because they tend to be all the same with 'minor' differences. Its not intentional or anything of course its just that over time some ideas just be 'overused'.
I don't suggest going back and changing the first 7 chapters but I DO suggest to add this twist so that the reader isn't able to guess the contents of the next chapter before it even comes out. After awhile the reader may get bored and decide to read a story that leaves them on the edge of their seat, edgy and unexpected.
Not to say that you've done anything wrong with yours of course. Your description by far is great (better then mine are in some of my stories) and it just shows that you ARE a great writer its just your plot that has the cliches in it. Although i do suggest throwing them in a bit more often then you do.
It really isn't your writing skills at all because in my opinion you seem to be an amazing writer its jsut that your topic (as i've said) seems a bit cliched.
As for everything else, Fan fiction is the best because some can just be made into whatever you want it to be, which is why i just so happen to love 'writers choice' as much as i do! :D
You really are a great writer and I DO NOT suggest abandoning this story (I'm not even going to think that you would do that because this story does have some serious potential)
OH! speaking of potential i just thought of ANOTHER twist: she could lose her powers. Every single ounce of magic in her she could lose. (How would you fix that problem?) Idk!
but that's the beauty of it!Author's Response: Wow, this is really funny because there are definitely ideas(I'm not telling you which ones lol) that may be included in the coming chapters. Your ideas are really helpful though and thank you sooooooo much for comments on my writing skills. It was really sweet of you :)
I just want to thank you for taking the time out to review EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER! I know life is busy so I really respect your commitment. THank you so much for leaving such great and helpful reviews! Report Review
I just have one small question: Where's Ginny?
Not like I want to break up the little love fest at all but I still would like to know where she is because Harry really doesn't mention her to Haley like at all.
Its not very important but still i thought i'd ask.
Its still a good story (still on the cliched side) but still a good story. :DAuthor's Response: Re:Ginny
I know she has been absent but she does come up sooner or later but she isn't really a ain character. The story is definitely AU (as you can see Dumbledore's not dead) so things are different from the books. Anyways she definitely will make an appearance though.
Thanks for the very helpful reviews. I really do appreciate them :D Report Review
This is a good story, although its slightly cliche and a bit predictable in places. Your story line is good and hopefully we'll see in the next chapter that Haley isn't going to cliche as well. (Although there's nothing really wrong with cliche) its just that so people think that story lines like this can be tiresome because everyone has done something like this once in their fanfiction history (I have myself).
I'm not trying to discourage you in any way, shape or form. I feel as if seeing as you've put this much work into your chapters so far you should go ahead and finish it because aside from the cliches you writing skills in general are good.
Most of my advice will probably be given in the 7th chapter review. But once again, its a good story just a tad bit cliche.Author's Response: Well thanks for sharing your opinions. I appreciate the feedback. I do agree with the whole cliche thing and eventually the story does move away from them in later chapters. Thank you for your review! :D Report Review
Hmm...interesting, I also never thought of having Harry as a the Head Boy...
Another good chapter although (in my opinion) it seems slightly predictable as to who the Head Girl is going to be (Hopefully i'm wrong but if not oh well)
There's more I would like to add but I'm going to have to wait until i finish all 7 chapters for now...
Other then that, its a good story and your making good progress on it as well. Interesting to. Good job :DAuthor's Response: I know, it's definitely a predictable part of the story but mostly I just needed a way to set up for the coming chapters. Thanks for your kind words! Report Review
Well that explains why she keeps dreaming of Harry carrying her! :D
Your story still holds a hint of mystery yet gives the reader something so that they are flustered with the fact that they don't know anything :)
Another good job :)Author's Response: Yeah, I tried to do that because I know that sometimes I have read stories and been like, "Ok, so what exactly is going on?" I'm glad you thought that I did this! Thanks for the review :) Report Review
Hmm..this chapter was also good although a few *small* characterization things (but of course you have writers choice so its not like it truly matters) but still. I'm not going to be biased against the fact that Haley 'got' magic so quickly (I normally don't like that) but that aside its still a very interesting story.
Taking an objective view here, I'd say that this story is interesting and full of mysteries that are awaiting to be solved. So great work again :DAuthor's Response: Well thank you. I know the whole Haley and magic thing was a bit tricky for me to work into but I appreciate your thoughts:) Report Review
Hellos This is KaraBlack (from the forums) returning your review request! I'm SO so sorry that its taken this long to return your review! Well...seeing as i'm here might as well drop off your review now :D
Okay firstly, I thought that you descriptions were very well done and i enjoyed reading a bit into Haley's life. I thought it was pretty 'foreshadow-ish' with the fact that Haley has green eyes as does Harry (and the fact that their names both start with H) AND the fact that she's running toward Privet Drive.
Even if none of those things are interconnected, its pretty obvious that Harry will soon be involved :D
Well i thought that it was mysterious and interesting. Great job off to read more :DAuthor's Response: Oh don't worry, I understand. Life gets hectic lol. Anyways, thanks for the advice and I hope you enjoy the rest! Report Review
hehe. awww that is really really good mate. i've been waiting for u to update. keep on with it. is the scar haley has significant? maybe i'm being to in depth with my reading or maybe it's important...?
;) 10/10 mate!Author's Response: Well thank you! Now that I know I have people waiting for my chapter updates I will try to get them up faster! And keep up with the in-depth reading. Paying attention to detail never hurt anyone and it might just be important! Thanks for the review! Report Review
I like your description in this chapter. It makes the story more realistic (in my opinion, in any case). What I really like, though, is the way that you've let us see the characters' (especially Haley's) emotions. I can see that you've put more characterisation in, too. I like it! I hope that you'll get the next chapter up soon!Author's Response: Well thanks for following the story! I did try to put a little more characterization in and that was probably the reason why it took me so long to get this chapter up. But don't worry I have already started chapter 8 and I hope it will be up soon! Report Review
I just read your story and it's great. Just what i was looking to read. I'll be checking back for the other chapters.Author's Response: Well that's very flattering! I really appreciate it :) I have had some trouble writing up until now but things are starting to flow so I hope to have another chapter up very shortly!
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