Thus is an amazing piece of writing. Its is very emotional and heartfelt. Well done. XAuthor's Response: Thank you! I put a lot of time and thought into this piece so it really means a lot for someone to like it! Report Review
Congradulations on tackling such a sensitive topic so gracefully. In your request you mentioned you were unsure how the emotion came across in your story, and I have to say for the most part I think you did an admirable job. There were a few spots where I felt the situation was a bit of a stretch (I'll talk about those in a minute) but on the whole I think you did really well. Lily's reaction to being held at wand point, and Severus' response to questioning in particular were really really well done. Severus' confusion, and his realization that Eddie was not the only victim was very poignant. And his realization at the end that Richard truely was his friend - pure gold.
I also really like Richard, I think you have created a really good character here. I especially like your introduction to him - his description through Severus' eyes. I also appreciated how the seemingly inconsquential tigger of his novel being dumped in the lake served to highlight the senselessness of what followed.
I did find a few problems, however. First, Severus. There were a few places where his characterization was - off. As a Slytherin, he would not associate with someone lower than himself on the Hogwarts totem pole unless he stood to gain something from that association. What did he gain from socializing from Richard? I know this is small beans in the scheme of your story, but still something to think about. Also not that huge, but his comparison of Richard with a robot threw me off. Severus is very anti-Muggle, even before he started attending Hogwarts. I can not see him using a Muggle idea so casually - especially in such a high stress situation. His mind would have immediatly gone to some similar wizarding equivalent to a robot, because that is his everyday. I doubt he would even know what a robot was. Again, these are not big problems in your story but I thought I would point them out.
My primary concern is with the Marauder's reaction to what Richard has done. The most obvious is that it doesn't match up with canon - since Snape and Lily are still friends the events of Snape's Worst Memory have yet to occur - and after this, I don't think it would. But people change canon all the time to suit their stories, so again this isn't a major deal. The scene itself is my main problem. The whole thing seems silted and awkward, and the conversation between the three of them seemed scripted - not natural at all. Also, where is Peter in all this? It doesn't make sense to leave him out - all the Marauder's should be together and comforting each other since they are all, to some extent, guilty - if not of this particular crime then others like it. And that is the point you are trying to make, no?
This review seems a bit critical. Don't get me wrong, I think you have written a story that will cause people to think and feel and respond. These are just suggestions on ways to improve what you already have.
Cheers!Author's Response: Oh thank you, thank you, thank you for the wonderful review! Reviews like this are so helpful to me. I'm really happy you thought the emtional aspect of the story was fairly solid and that I managed to do some justice to such a difficult topic. That really means the world to me.
Richard was an interesting character to write, and I actually felt like even I didn't fully understand him...but also that that was kind of the point of the story; him being constantly misunderstood.
I really do understand what you mean about Severus allowing Richard to interact with him, but I thought I managed to show his displeasure with the relationship. Severus likes to pretend that he hates having Richard around bugging him, but also I think Severus has spent his time being bullied and tortured so I didn't see his character doing that to someone else. So he just sort of let him be. Your argument about the "robot" thing is solid and I quite agree. It was more for description sake than anything else and I should have thought about it more before putting it in.
I actually did plan for this story to take place after Snape's Worst Memory, but I suppose I could have done a better job establishing that through Lily and Severus' relationship. The Marauder reaction was tough to write. I really wanted their reaction to be powerful and memorable but do think it felt a little scripted. I know this next comment will make me seem like a lazy writer, but I suppose I just didn't consider Peter in all of this. I spent so much time with Peter in another of my fics that I just didn't put him in.I agree it was a poor shoice.
Thanks so much for all your time and thought. I really benefit from things like this and if I ever decide to go back and edit this fic I will be certain to look this review over before I do. Thanks so much! Report Review
Hello, dear! I'm here with your review as requested.
oh, wow. This story was very emotional and different than I would have imagined. However, it was awesome and compelling.
I don't think I've ever read a first person Severus, probably because I dislike him because he loved/loves Lily, but you made this work for me. You turned him into a character that seemed at least half-way decent. It is impressive if you can do that for me. :)
Well done. This was quite enlightening.
9/10 -- Because I don't like Lily around Snape. ;) JAMES/LILY xDAuthor's Response: Fair enough. See, I'm a total Sev/Lily shipper so I understand what its like to prefer one heavily over the other. Though you have an easier time considering your ship is canon...lol. Anyway, I am glad I could write Sev in a way that even you liked him. He's my favorite character in the series so it means a lot to me that I did him some kind of justice. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Very good! This was very well written and extremely emotive.
First things first. I picked up a couple of typos - "gravely" instead of "gravelly" is one of them but I can't find the other right now. But otherwise grammar, spelling and sentence structure were good so my inner critic can't complain.
Also, I will say that song fics aren't my speciality. I tend to gloss over the song lyrics and focus on the narrative. And I tried not to do that this time but I found it happening again. So my apologies for that.
Now, the story itself. The AK shocked me terribly, as I'm sure it must do for everyone. So did the suicide. And you drew it out really well, with Snape's realisation that Richard was in fact his friend, by default if nothing else. I almost shed a tear myself - probably the only reason I didn't was that the story wasn't long enough for me to establish a real rapport for the characters. But as someone who has written a novel I can understand the despair Richard would have felt - it was a clever plot point for a writing site!
All in all I think you've done really well here. You've got drama and action and suspense, as well as visiting the consequences of people's actions, both at the lake and in the castle afterwards. It's a disturbing story, but with the subject matter it has, that means that you've done a good job. And I'm thinking that I probably shouldn't have chosen to read it just before going to bed, so we'll just have to see how well I sleep now.
Anyway, well done! A very good story all told. Now for a stiff drink before I retire for the night ...
cheers, MelAuthor's Response: First of all thank you for taking the time to read my story and for taking even more time to leave an in-depth review. Time is valuable so I am really grateful you gave some of yours to me. Grrr...the curse of typos, thanks for bringing them to my attention.
No problem, I know lots of people are not too big on song-fics I just thought this song really fit.
You're quite right. There are a lot of demensions to the characters in this story so a one-shot probabaly wasn't the best way to handle them; a longer story could cause more attachment from the readers. It was supposed to be a shocking story and I did a lot of thinking before I wrote it. So many schools today worry about students bringing weapons to school so I just started thinking about Hogwarts and about how each and every student is walking around with a weapon. And the story just kind of came from there.
Sorry, I'm hoping this story did not keep you up or drive you to drink ;). I should put a warning on it *Do NOT Read Before Bed* Thanks so much again, you are wonderful! Report Review
Why has so few reviewed?! Great story!!Author's Response: Meh, its not about quantity, its about quality of reviews. And reviews like this certainly add to the quality! So glad that you enjoyed it! Report Review
Holee mother of...you know, this was GREAT. I teared up...Author's Response: I cried when I was writing it, so I am happy to hear that the emotion I poured into it came out to at least one reader! Thank you so much for the review! Report Review
This is the saddest one-shot I have ever read. I started crying when I read it. I like the way you potrayed Severus. Not like the other authors who talked about Severus like he was some evil, annyoing little kid. but you wrote about him like he was a human with a purpose. He was aslo really funny sort of. Thanks for writing such a sad and wonderful one-shot.Author's Response: I hate it when people portray Severus in that light as well. I get really turned off from a story when he is shown in such a narrow-minded light. He's my favorite character so it bothers me when people deny him the depth and time he deserves. Sorry to make you cry, but glad to hear that I managed to write something that was full of emotion. Thank you for the insightful and kind words. Thank you so much. Report Review
That was intense and powerful and just wow. I'm amazed at how well you captured the tone and feel of a situation like that. That was brillant. I loved it and hated it at the same time. Hate mostly because stuff like that actually happens. =[ I like how you showed how it affected the Marauders too. And Dumbledore and Severus of course. It really showed how it affects everyone as a whole and not just specific people who knew the victim. Excellent story.Author's Response: Thank you so very much for the kind review! This story was great to write but I really was nervous about the feeling of that situation coming across so it is great that you enjoyed it so much and that it made you feel and think. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review! Report Review
I really loved it! The ending was so strong! Lovely job!Author's Response: Thanks so much! I love this story a lot and I am glad you loved it as well! Thanks for making me smile! Report Review
Wow. You've rendered me speechless. A very hard task. I guess, all I can really think of to say is wow and that you've done a wonderful job on this story. It's so sad.
It's interesting though, how such simple things can lead to stuff like that. Poor Richard was just pushed over the edge when he fell into the lake.
I liked it. A lot. Great job. 15/10Author's Response: Thanks so much for taking the time to review. I really poured myself into this one so all the reviews I get are like magic. Thank you so much and thanks for the lovely rating. Report Review
This is a very good and deep story. I like that it has a meaning, you are trying to teach the readers what bullying can lead to. The most show Marauders in their stories as very cool, but you show that what they were doing to others was stupid.
I enjoyed your emotional descriptions of Severus very much.
It goes to my favorites. 10/10Author's Response: YAY! So glad you enjoyed it! I hoped to capture Snape in a good, complete was so I'm glad you enjoyed him. Yes, this story does show how un-cool the Marauders can be. JK seemed to be making that point in book five, so I just took it a step further. Thanks for the review!!!! Report Review
It's so much more emotionally touching than 'Finding Ava' ever was to me, because it's so deep.
You actually made me start crying when it got to the scene with Remus, James, and Sirius in the dorms. Then, the tears persisted for a time, and I had a bit of a thought. What is it like for you?
You write such meaningful peices (from what I've read, at least), and you show great understanding. You're obviously a thinker, and you've got a lot of comprehension going on in that head of yours. So what is it like for you, an author, to get inside a character's head and experience the things you write, had you not experienced it before? It's intriguing.
I'm sorry, that question would be better suited for a Meet The Author topic in the forums, but I'm not sure if you have one or not, and I am just so envious. I must know.
Back to the actual review of the story:
I really liked it. It truly caught my attention. I had this feeling going on after the lake scene that something really bad was going to happen, and then as it got closer, the feeling got stronger. It takes a good author to make that kind of thing hapen, so kudos to you.
I also like, very much so, how you made each of the characters have epiphanies of sorts. You wrote about an experience that could have been what changed them from the teenagers they were to the adults they became, just by the... I think 'catastrophe' is too big and 'incident' is too small of words to describe it, so I'll go with 'occurence'. Truly fantastic.
Note: I was listening to "How to Save a Life' by The Fray towards the end of the story, and I think it also suits it a bit after Severus comes to the realization that Richard was his friend.
Would it be too generous to give you 100/10? I don't think so, the extra ninety over the usual ten just adds to the enormity of how deep and reflecting this fic was. You deserve it.Author's Response: Wow, what a thought provoking review! Well, easy things first. I do have a meet the author page, if you were still curious.
I am a thinker, and I am facinated by ideas that come from a story like this. When someone thinks Hogwarts they think magic, and fantasy. I wanted to remind others, because I just remembered myself, that Hogwarts is first and foremost a school. And these things happen. Its a very real story and its very intense. Its difficult but so rewarding to write something like this.
At first I was feeling bad because I have never been in a situation like this, so I feared I would not do it justice and that I could never portray all the pain and loss suffered. But I couldn't get the story to go away. So I decided to give it a shot. I chose to show most of it through Severus' eyes because I am comfortable with getting into his head.
It is a very powerful experience to write a story like this. Its not the same as just reading it. Because as a reader one has no control over it, but as a writer I HAD to make the things happen. I had to choose to cause all this pain, I had to choose for the tragedy to take place. It really sucks out your soul. And it takes time. I wrote many drafts of this before I was satisfied. I wanted it to be real, but not just be sad.
There had to be a lesson learned, a realization gained. Though tragedy is heartwrenching, it brings to light lessons we didn't even know existed. Finding Ava was a pure joy to write, and I got the characters to learn lessons, but here they really learn through pain.
Its a really interesting experience to make yourself cry while writing, which I did. I knew it was good enough then. I don't know if I answered your question or not. The question was a really beautiful one and I don't think there is just one specific answer to give.
This might have been a slightly cluttered and strange answer to the question but I hope it maybe helped you to understand kind of how I felt going into this.
Your review was amazing. It helped me not only evaluate the piece, but myself as well. Wonderful review. I know there is no rating for reviews but yours was well over 100. Thank you so much. Report Review
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