Hi Richter Vans,
You reviewed one of my stories so I'm returning the courtesy.
Have you ever read any Robert Browning? He was very interested in intense, life changing moments in time and that became a very common theme in his poetry. Reading your story made me think of that. This is a very short story, but a very emotionally intense moment in time.
I'm not going to mention your grammar because everyone else has already done so. However, for someone who speaks English as a second language, I think you did a good job.
I notice that a lot of the spells in your story are original inventions, and I like that. They're creative and fit in well with those that belong to the canon.
Only one suggestion I might have is not to rely so heavily on the scenes from Deathly Hallows. I think I would have tried to start the story from your character's participation in the battle. I know you needed her to see Harry drop the stone, but I think I'd find another way to do it. Just sort of do a quick paraphrase maybe?
Other than that one thing though, I think you did a great job. Report Review
I already told you...you get desperate to show your work...and you must review a lot of times before posting...in the first part of the story are a lot of mistakes of grammar...but well...you'll get better...see you :P Report Review
It was a good first fanfic. Though, most of it I noticed was extracted from the 7th book. I also got confused when you were saying his and she in the same sentence in several places. There were also a few spelling and grammar mistakes. Overall, good job. 7/10Author's Response: Yes, my grammar sucks, I'll get an editor right away... And, yes its the War chapter extracted directly from the book, but well, Its the begining for my real long story, Eloise Vans is the mother of my main character in Sacred Sorrows. And I needed to show how she got the Hallow stone... The best part from my fic is I guess the Duel. Thanks for your review, and I guess that until I upload my next fic i'll get a new one. Report Review
Your story is excellent, lots of new spells and detail, the duel was well written. You have some typos though- grammar/tense mismatch mostly, if you ever need anyone to look at this sort of thing before you submit I'd be happy to help =) good work.Author's Response: Wow! really!!, because I really suck in my grammar I know. I have a very far extense in imagination, but is really hard for me to resume and explain the situations, Im still noob in all of this, besides, Im mexican, and my english is not that good, XD... Still I would apreciate your help. Maybe I can pass you the chapter in word file. And correct the grammar, marking in red the typos. XD. Also, This is only the begining, My real long story is on the stove. My OC is the son of Eloise Vans. The banner will be out today in the evening!!. Thanks and I'll read your story ASAP. Report Review
Hi there, ok I'll be your first reviewer n.n. Looks nicer here than it looks in Word. I really like it, is really descriptive and respects a lot the original story. Good action scenes. Keep up the good work ^_^ Report Review
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