kind of depressing. lol but i liked it i really like the song too! are you going to come out with a sequel? Report Review
Wow, intense story. Really beautiful way you characterized Arybelle. And of course, i LOVE remus.
The spacing was kind of annoying at times, but whatever.
The song really fit =)
I like the way you ended it as well.
Great job! Report Review
This story is very deep and depressing. Very well written. I liked it alot, and it showed Remus as the person we all grew up with during the HP books. I love how you captured the characters. Very wonderful story Report Review
Sorry it took so long, I've been really busy lately and have seldom had time to check the thread.
Ok, so business and improvement first.
I think that you use the word "past" a bit too much. I'm not exactly sure why, (and maybe it's just me, :P) but when you use the word past so many times, it becomes a bit overdone, you know? It kind of evolves into something more than it is. It is kind of like the word "powers" in a sense that, when used often, it reduces the believability and professionalism of a piece. I would suggest that you omit some of them, or find synonyms. For example, the sentence "Who in the name of Merlin could be so bloody cheerful all the time especially some one with her past?", first of all, needs a comma or semicolon between "time" and "especially", and secondly, sounds so dramatic: try something like "Who in the name of Merlin could be so bloody cheerful all the time after what happened?". I think that you'll be surprised how much cleaner it makes the piece seem.
Also, there are a few grammar and spelling errors, but none that were really prevalent, a good run-through with a grammar check or beta-reader will do nicely.
On to the good stuff: I really liked this plot. It was really original, and I absolutely adore the characterisation of Remus. He's such a fun character to write, and I think that you chenneled him quite well. Also, you had a nice balance between description and dialogue- which is a feat in itself, my dear.
All in all, besides the past thing, it was a great story! Keep up the good work!
-Rini Report Review
Hey there. It's Rose Wilts from there forums here.
Firstly I just have to say that was beautifully written. You have such fantastic imagery and descriptions. The dialogue seemed a little, formal, but you added the right amount humor, so that toned it dow a lot. I found myself chuckling at something Remus said, I think it was the comment about sharing a dorm with Sirius.
I got a little confused at the end and had to re-read from a certain point, but once I did it made perfect sense and was even more touching. :)
It's obvious you're a dedicated, talented author. Your writing is wonderful. The only criticism I have is that (in my humble opinion), although you did a lot of background on Arybelle (cool name btw) there didn't seem to be much of her acctual personality shining through in this fic.
Apart from that. It was all wonderful! Great job.
Rose Report Review
I thought that was an incredibly well written story... great job with it! I loved the opening paragraph. You did an awesome job with description, and like I said it was extremely well written. I can definitely see that you're a great writer and that you put a lot of time into this. You really captured me into the story from the beginning.
The main criticism that I have is about the character. I know you put in some good background to her, but it just didn't seem like she was developed enough. Now I know it was a one-shot, but a little bit more of her personality could have shined through. I would have liked to have cared for the character a bit more or at least been interested in her. Adding a little bit more development will make that better.
But overall the story was very good! Great job with it!Author's Response: Thanks Labby :]
I did put quite a bit of time into this and I'm glad you liked it!
Thanks for pointing out the character development issue. This was a short story so I admitt I was focusing more on the plot that the charrie. I will definitely try to improve next time! :]
thanks again! Report Review
First off, let me just say that this was really well written.
But, and there's always a but, your diaogue was a bit too formal. The're teenagers, and if ever they are polite, this was just a bit over the top. I'm guilty of making that same mistake.
Also, Arybelle is somewhat of a Mary-Sue, I'm sorry to say. She's an it-girl, always happy, charming, and sought after, but hiding a troubled past.
But, overall, this is a nice story, and I love your language troughout the piece ^^Author's Response: thank you for the review!
Oh. Haha, I didn't notice the language. When i was writing this story, I was imagining Remus as Edward Cullen [are you a fan of twilight?] so the language affected me somehow. Thanks for pointing that out though, I appreciate it.
Yes, Arybelle is a little Mary Sue xD I'll keep that in mind and try to fix that with future OCs.
thanks again! Report Review
-The Positive Side-
The name Arybelle is gorgeous. Where did you first hear it? lol. I love that name.
'Arybelle studied him for awhile, observing the way he carefully opened his battered book and the way he slowly smoothed out the rumpled pages.'
That sentence is one of the most descriptive sentences I've ever read. I could see him sitting in front of the fire with a battered book with rumpled pages and he's reading by the light of the fire. It was so descriptive. That sentence was one of the best I've ever read, really.
And this story was so cute. It made me smile and it is just really adorable. I'm not really a big fan with Remus as the main character but I'm trying to expand my reading interests so I read this one. It really changed my way of thinking. It was great.
-The Negative Side-
'It was time to let things go, Arybelle thought, as she sat in an empty compartment on the Hogwarts Express.'
That sentence was really confusing, almost as if she was in the compartment but I thought she was in the common room. I just got slightly confused and had to re-read it a few times. But that wasn't really too bad.
'He simply looked a amused but made no attempt to stop her as she made her way around him, and slowly climbed the winding stairs.'
An extra a was added in there. :)
I felt that the end wasn't really the end. What did she drink? What happened to her during the holidays? Remus' house?
This story was adorable. The ending was open but the story was adorable anyway. And this review is really long. Wow, lol.
~PrincessAuthor's Response: THANK YOU for the wonderful review! :] it was one of the best ever!
and I wish i could clear things up for you but I admit that the ending was vague but I intended for it to...did that make any sense?
oh and when she was on the train, she was talking about letting her family problems go :]
thanks again! Report Review
this was very good! i loved it and your writing was amazing woohoo for you =DAuthor's Response: yay, first review!
thank you so much :] Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection