Firstly, you need to run this story either through a beta or spell check. No offence but there were quiet a few errors in the first couple of paragraphs that you urgently need to address. It makes reading easier if it's all grammatically correct and done well. It also makes your writing more mature if it is all correct. This leaves a better impression on the reader of your maturity and writing skills.
Next. I thought this first chapter moved too fast. It was too quick and just opened one door before opening another which was slightly disconcerting. Slow it down and focus on one aspect before moving onto another.
Think about how Hermione, Harry, Ron, Ginny would react in several situations. In this, don't you think Harry would be happy that Voldemort was gone? and Harry didn't kill him, he fired an Expelliarmus spell at him which because of his protection back fired and Voldemorts spell Avada Kedavra came back and killed him.remember he book.
You said this was not AU and followed the events of DH, but this is post DH pre-epilogue.okay.
Um. Hermione and Ron. There was no dialogue there. I had no idea what was going on and then Ginny just joined them suddenly. If there dating and both of them are greiving then they should both either be: looking to each other for comfort, or going on their own merry way and finding solitude in alone time.
Ron would be angry, sad, happy all at the same time. He would be feeling mixed emotions ect. You didn't actually describe much of this and it left the character blank.
Hermioen probably would have either tried to side step the conversation with Ron or have been trying to talk to him about it. Oh, and they've been together for a while. Practically the whole of DH their together.
Harry's conversation with the House elves was too quick. Think about what he was actually trying to tell them.thanks. Kreacher would never in his whole existence be that happy to see Harry. Even after the whole medal thing, he still would'nt be that happy. Try to keep this believable.
Over all a good effort. Chilly xxAuthor's Response: thanks to be honest im really not happy with the whole idea of this story. it was my first one and a learning process. thanks for the review. Report Review
Ok Kimaru-Sama here as requested! I like the plot and where its going! Few grammatical errors so look into getting a beta, let me tell you (best decision I ever made) I used to type directly into the text box so mistakes and I were married.
The dialogue " should be like that and other grammatical, technical stuff ;). Unfortunatly I only have time for 1 review not and this isn't much my type of story but I'll review 2 more chaps 2morrow!
kay~Author's Response: cheers for the review and the time your've taken.
Hellos! This is KaraBlack returning your review! I'm trying to get everybody's reviews out around the same time around either today or tomorrow! Well here we go:
This is a good story, I caught on to the fact that the quotes were written like this:
'Well Harry? what now?'
instead of: "Well Harry? what now?" but its not that big of a deal i suppose, there were just a small teeny tiny amount of errors but it wasn't that big of a deal, just a small typo here and there so it was all okay :)
Overall i liked it.
For some reason, i like the plot part better then the dialogue but I think that that was just me.Author's Response: no many people prefered the idea cpmpared to how i wrote it thanks for the review Report Review
I think Ginny wanting to have sex with Harry (or implying it) seems a bit rushed since we haven't gotten to see a lot of the development between them emotionally. It seems to kind of come out of nowhere. Again, describe what's going on in the physical environment and in their minds/emotions while telling the dialogue.Author's Response: i don't agree i think that emotionly ginny is very mature and would like to go on to the next step Report Review
I think the first section of this where you're describing Harry's thoughts is the strongest so far. Remember - have more descriptions with dialogue. You have good ideas, but your story is a bit hard to follow because the dialogue is standing alone. Don't despair - I think this has potential you need to unleash! :)Author's Response: okay. cheers
I think Ron's reaction is realistic, for sure. He's always the overprotective brother. Again, remember the balance between conversation and dialogue. You have some places (like Molly's and Harry's thoughts) that are good at revealing the characters' thoughts/emotions, but they are kind of stuck by themselves. If you add these thoughts and emotions in with the dialogue, it makes both of them more powerful.Author's Response: yeah thoughts and emotions are going to be added Report Review
I forgot to mention earlier that you could do your story a lot more justice by creating an interesting summary that tells what your story is about - same with chapter summaries. They help to draw the reader in to what's going on.
I like the way you are advancing the action and showing your vision of what happened next. Just make sure that you aren't using only dialogue. Dialogue works best when you balance it with description about the characters' thoughts, actions, facial expressions, etc. You have some good basic ideas here, you just need to make them shine.Author's Response: yeah cheers
I like the way you are starting this right after the final battle. I think you could improve by maybe cutting out some of the explanations toward the beginning. These are things that fans probably already know, so they don't necessarily need to be re-explained.
I think it would be best to start this at the place that goes: "Exactly twenty four hours after the battle Harry awoke.." Then, as he's going about his business throughout the castle, you could mix in his thoughts, feelings, etc.Author's Response: that actually was my original idea (the harry bit) but i wanted to show this wasn't centered aorund harry(even though it ended up to be pretty much) cheers Report Review
Well, I've come to the end of your story for the moment. I think you have a good sense of where you want your characters to go, which is good.
I will reiterate again that you really need to go back with someone to help you fix all your mistakes. I feel like if you do that you'll have a real winner on your hands, but until then its just frustrating to read. I guess I'm a harsh reviewer, but like I've said its distracting if there are so many mistakes that you can't focus upon the plot.
Good luck correcting everything!Author's Response: okay cheers. i appreciate the time you have taken to review
Ok, one thing that I've kind of noticed here is that your characters have no inner monologue. They just say whatever it is that they're thinking. This isn't always a bad thing, but you kind of want to limit it. To tell us that a teacher looks nice, and then have her tell us that she's nice, (in one case you spelled it wrong as you said neice) is a bit redundant and again, the inner monogue thing...
More errors to fix, and things of that nature...Author's Response: yeah i noticed that when i was writting new chapters and added some inner monologue. cheers your comments are really helpful. Report Review
Ok, I liked this chapter, but I don't think that Harry and Ginny would be talking about sex quite this soon. I know, I know, its just a story, but I think that as a young couple they might still be in the puppy-love stage.
Anyway, interesting twist on the fact that Harry has to help Hermoine with the centuars.
I think Ron does become an auror with Harry (JKR said so), so maybe you want to have him help George on the side...
Again, lots of grammar mistakes, spelling errors, and things of that nature...
Also, you need to have a title for this chapter. That just makes it look like you're not trying! How about "Heading for the Future"?Author's Response: i was trying to do a punk thing with the title. letting it speak for it's self. actually JKR said ron helps george then eventually becames an auror. cheers
Ok, more grammar issues. It is getting slightly better, but there are still way too many to list. Again, seek out a beta.
On to the funerals, I think you're right that Mr. Creevy would respond badly to Harry, and that George would do something like that at the funeral. I think there is no way in hell that Percy speaks out. He was a total jerk for all of three books, and then suddenly returns. He is way too calculating to want to mess with Harry, especially after what he'd done...
Good luck completing the story, and good luck fixing up some of your errors...Author's Response: yeah i nearly had the mum having a go at harry cheers Report Review
... More typos and spelling things. You use the wrong wording on a lot of words here. You said hole instead of whole, things like that. Like I've said before, you really need a beta.
Otherwise, I think that George and Mrs. Wealsey are getting over their grief a little too quickly. I think they'd be happy about some things, but totally wrecked over the rest. And I really can't see Ron flipping out quite like this either. I know he would have done this in the past, but here I think he'd be ashamed for having left in their quest, and would have not wanted to draw attention to it. Plus, I know Harry would have mentioned it in his speech either way, so I think you ought not have done it quite like that.
Good luck finishing your story and fixing it up.Author's Response: i knw but when peple lose overs they in general act alright to some things then totaly upset the next minute so that is what i was trying to show. Report Review
Again, lots of grammar problems. I think you really need to get a beta. The people on the forums are great, and they could help you make this a lot better. The issue is, you have so many mistakes that it becomes distracting when people are reading your story. They make the reader focus upon those mistakes instead of the actual story. This might account for why you've only gotten a few reviews. I know its hard to get reviewers, but if the story is good, people will spread the word! By not fixing these issues, it appears as though you don't edit.
Please don't think I'm trying to be mean here, but I just want you to comprehend why I'm focusing so much on these issues.
Ok, otherwise, your idea of the centuars speaking to Harry is a good one, but the wording with Bane is a little awkward. You can probably tighten that up.
I liked the chat between Harry and Ginny, but I think that maybe you make her a little too sterotypical in her saying she was hurt by his leaving. I really got the feeling that she understood when he had to go at the end of HBP, so I think it is a little bit out of canon for her to be quite like that. Plus, I think you lost a great opportunity to have her tell her story of trying to steal the Sword during her year of school when he was gone... I hope you seek out a beta, and good luckAuthor's Response: yeah im betaering it and great idea with the sword i might re-use. i don't know i still like hiw ginny reacted because she's got a right to be upset.
cheers for being honest even though it slightly annoys me for people to find holes in my story i know its the best way to make it better so thanks
Ok, I'm here to review as requested. Ok, first things first: There are innumerable typos and grammar mistakes here. You don't have commas you in your sentences, you have fun on sentences, and you spell things wrong. I know you said that you've since edited this stuff, but maybe the new chapters haven't yet been approved. If they have, then I really think that you ought to request a beta to help you out on the forums. If you find someone who'll help you with your story, they'll read it, help you edit, and all that stuff before you submit. I know it always helps me to have someone take a second look at it with a fresh pair of eyes, because I have a hard time spotting my own mistakes in my work, but the mistakes of others just stick out when I read.
Ok, getting down off my high horse now, I like that idea you've got here. You're obviously working to show Harry's transition from a time of war to a time of peace, and I do think you're right that he'd feel bad about the deaths. I disagree that he'd feel bad about killing Voldemort, because he knew he had to do it, and because he was so twisted.
Ok, so those are my thoughts on this chapter. Good luck!Author's Response: yeah im getting it betaerd i think that harry would never reall think through whathappens after he killed voldermort because i think he thought he would die and feel a little guity Report Review
I think it was better than the first one. I liked your charcaterization of the centuars.
I think you just need to pay attention to punctuation. Separate different sentences with full-stops (periods).
Ginny & Harry joking with each other was a nice idea.
I wish you all the best for your future writing. A beta reader can help you a lot! I'd also advise you to read as many books as you can and try practising punctuation from them.
Hogwarts_CastleAuthor's Response: yeah i just thought that ginny would try to make him feel better but she would still be angry. from before i know mcgonagall was a little nicer than normal but i always fought she was hard on the outside and soft on the inside so i thought she would be kind to harry. i also felt she liked harry alot and that's why she became's a bigger chracter Report Review
Hey! I'm Hogwarts_Castle.
I think you seriously need help with punctuation!
You've written the chapter in conversational English. I suggest you get a beta reader who will help you to improve your punctuation as well as spelling.
Also I think it was quite Out of charcter for McGongall to be so sympathetic with Harry. I'm not saying she isn't. But shes a very tough lady whos capable of controlling her feelings. So I think she should have been a lil more formal in her dealings with him.
Talking about sympathy, dont you think everybody in the fic was expressing way too much of it? I mean sure they understand how bad it was for Harry but I think they should realzie how strong he is and can handle it.
Other than that, I liked your dialogues. You've grasped the concept of DH well, I mean how Harry is sorry that so many people died because they were related to him.
I also liked McGonagall's reply to that. It was totally like McGongall to say somehting like that.
I know you've got potential, you just need sombody to guide you through the writing process and I'm sure that over experience you're gonna turn better.Author's Response: cheers i know the punctuation was a litte off but this was the first chapter i ever wrote. i think the punctuation gets better later on in the story Report Review
that was a good story but could you please finish it?Author's Response: well i already have in rough (pen and paper) but i am also writing 2 other stories (the life of thomas jerry petra and an unnamed one) and they seem much better. actually i was thinking of abandoning this but every time i try i feel bad Report Review
i like what your doin hear with this fic but u need to Proof read it for spellings and there r words in there that r out of place at one point u have harry saying (Yes I do Harry answered Harry answered ) a nuther line (but if you dont out the work in I want be happy) if u could sort stuff like that out your fic would be well up thereAuthor's Response: yaeh i planned to proof read it before it came out but i forgot ive re-done it and i think its better thanks for the review Report Review
the base of your fic is good if u could only work the spelling an what have and maybe make it a flow more u would get more reviews its good but needs work like sumone will say sumthin but u dont tell us who sed itAuthor's Response: thanks all the reviews are very similar so if three people thinks the chapters need more work then fine thats what i'll Report Review
This story is awesome. I like the way the story is moving. One thing that would make this story even better is if you revised before you post it. Some of the grammar and spelling is off, but other than those little details the story is great.Author's Response: thanks i was thinking about stopping because i hadn't got many reviews but i've written the next chapter in rough and its awesome so i'll probably do that then see if i should continue and yes i am going to look at the grammer just haven't had much time. thanks for the review Report Review
Good, But I didn't think Harry had went into the pensieve until the Fourth Year.Author's Response: i cant remember mentioning the pensieve but when i have time i'll have a look and change it if nesersary could you tellme which paragragh it was mantioned if it was Report Review
Very Good, spelling is a little off, but the story is really good.Author's Response: cheers the second chapter should be up today or tomorrow and the third is already finished. could you tell what spelling mistakes so i can edit cuse i didn't see any. Report Review
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