Lily, Lily, Lily...where have I been? When did you update this and why did I not know? C-box pounce/pm me next time? Thaannnks!
This was the best chapter so far and for once, I didn't end up resenting Hermione! You characterisation of her and your depictions of what she could possibly be feeling are simply fantastic.
Know who else I love? I bet you can guess! RONRONRON! He was gorgeous! The conversation between the two of them made me squee inside to out! It was lovely lovely lovely! I think if it had been any other situation I might have thought the dialogue was cheesy, but here it was perfect.
What else? Well jumping back to the start, you characterisation of Harry scared me. You can really see his resentment, but I think it's realistic. He is loyal, but he know from past experiences that even the best of friends can betray. Your Neville, in contrast, is simply gorgeous. I adore him. All in all, a great chapter - poke me when there's more! :) x x xAuthor's Response: Thanks Andy!!! I am so glad you enjoyed it. Report Review
WOW im really amazed at this story; it's great how you wrote it! im going to save my whole review until you finish the story because i jsut want to save the good words for the whole story, but fantastic job!
~MichelleAuthor's Response: Thanks :) I'll keep writing. Report Review
awww. Ron. *sniff* he made me cry...=,(Author's Response: Awwwww *hands you handkerchief* Report Review
First let me say well done for soring out the grammar - this one was really well structured! :D
Ohhh I hate her! Poor Ronny at the end ther! My heart is actually broken...shattered all over the floor!You can clean that one up! :P It's funny, I always manage to go from feeling for Hermione at the start, to resenting her at the end. This isn't through any fault of your writing, but because of my flaws as a person. I do understand why she's being the way she is, but my POOR RONNY!
This chapter is really well written. You were worried that it was a filler but I think at the start of a fic, it's important to build up a background for the aspects of the world you are using. You did that wonderfull through Mrs Weasley and Neville. The conversation with Neville was especially wonderful - little Herbologist joker! Another great chapter - I can't wait for more! :D x x xAuthor's Response: I'm so glad you liked it!! You always give the most wonderful reviews!! I'm working hard to change the flaws I have when it comes to my writing and your encouragement makes it worth all the effort :)
Thanks Andy:) Report Review
Again, you've astounded me, Lily! Gorgeous chapter. Again, you've got everyone completely in character, again you're leaving me on the edge of my seat, AGAIN I want the next chapter ASAP! ;)
You're developing the plot beautifully, you're not moving too fast which is great. You're not bombarding us with Ronmione, or anything, it's going at a good pace and I'm just on tenterhooks for what happens next!
Yes, derived from the coffee bean. Wakes people up in the morning, gives you energy...tastes really bad when cold or without sugar. I absolutely ADORED that line! You have just the right balance of angst and subtle humour, it's brilliant.
This is quickly becoming one of my favourite post-war stories on this site! 10/10 for this chapter, and I hope you keep the updates coming!Author's Response: That just made my day! I promise to do my best to make sure this stays a good story :) If I start going to fast, correct me :) Thanks! Report Review
This story has pulled me in... I really like it so far! It seems very interesting :]
can't wait for more!!
~emily~Author's Response: THanks! I'm glad you like it! Report Review
wow...it's like a mix of a movie and harry potter...my two fav. things!!! i love it!Author's Response: LOL YAY! Report Review
im intrigued and excited!!!
its a very interesting plot line looking forward to reading what else comes along!Author's Response: I'm looking forward to seeing what you think of the next chapter :) Report Review
Andy's a Ron fangirl, as I'm sure you can see. I generally am not - the only reason I am at this second is because your Ron is just so heartbreaking and I really hate Hermione too. Well, not hate. Not exactly... I'm angry at her, but I'm angry at him too, for making her position even more difficult. Telling her about how they had been in love and all the hardship he had gone through and all that. But the amazing part is, this is exactly what I feel about JKR's Ron. He's wonderful most of the time, but slips up every now and then, and when he slips up it's absolutely disastrous... you've captured that so well in the section he and Hermione had. So remarkably that I actually had to say this first and get it off my chest. :D And being slightly neurotic, I have NEVER done that. EVER. :D
Anyway, to the beginning. Bitterness, anger, and confusion abound! And the best part is (as if there's ever a 'best part' to bitterness, anger, and confusion :P) that I felt it all. For Hermione's sake, I'm confused, because the way you've written the Weasleys and even Harry and Neville is sort of detached... it's like we don't know who they are either. It's detached and almost surgically precise in comparison to the previous chapter... and yet, it's no more satisfying. We still want answers and clarification... but we can't get enough. Anger comes from Ginny, and I felt just as bewildered as Hermione does. You selfish cow! That it's Ginny who's the most... ahem, blatant, about her anger makes it all the more telling. And bitterness - Harry versus Neville. I can't describe how that made me feel, that it's Harry who wants her to put her somewhere safe and be done with it... and it's Neville who sticks up for her! *loves Neville*
Again, only problems here are grammar and punctuation. Which of course are easily fixed :) Other than that, absolutely astounding job. Piercing and abrupt and yet so heartbreaking... *loves* Wonderfully done, Lily!!!Author's Response: I am so glad that the feelings are getting across! The hardest thing for me to write and the most important things I want to write are the settings for the scenes and the words that go with them. Thank you so much for such an encouraging review!!
and I'm going to get a beta right away :) Report Review
Will you ever forgive me for leaving this so long? You don't have to, if you feel particularly vengeful ;) But your lovely review for me was quite the incentive to come on down to the review box at last :)
I read this earlier this week, and just reread it now. You've taken us on a breakneck pace, leaving the readers just as baffled as Hermione. And here - without knowing what exactly is happening - it works. Really and truly, it works. You've blown us out of the water and left us gasping for air. Wonderful tone and pace, which already hints at some sort of action and suspense! And there's also your characterization. Though we only ever truly see Hermione, she's portrayed wonderfully. Without magic (but that doesn't sound right, because she did Apparate), Hermione is still assertive and strong, just a little more mellow. And your Remus is also confident but mournful. (Speaking of mourning, is there a reason it was him who found her first and not another member of the Order? Who isn't dead? *not too fond of AU but actually likes this very much*)
The only things that could use editing are of course grammatical and punctuation errors. As andy said, a beta could easily fix that. (Post in the SAYS Beta forum if you're looking for one; I'd love to do this but I really don't have the time :[ ).
In all, excellent start to a promising story :) Off to chapter two!Author's Response: Thanks Gubby!! You're amazing! Just wait and see don't worry I'm doing my best not to AU you this. Report Review
Wow, Lily: another great chapter you have here.
Ginny's outburst was so indignant, so hurt, so angry ... so well placed and so Ginny-like! It must be so sad for everyone else to know that she doesn't remember them .. but of course there would be anger, too. You have the balance just right, and this makes it all the more realistic.
Hermione's false explanation for her memory loss seemed kind of ... robotic the way she recited it. This was great, as it added to the fact that it was, in fact, a cover up story. Did Hermione's parents choose to tell her that, or did she ask them to before she got her memory wiped? Did Hermione consult her friends before she got her memory wiped? Were they against it then? So many questions!
And RON! Oh my, how can you do this to him?! Hermione, you silly girl! Although I can understand her position ... but still! Wow. You have a brilliant ability to make the reader turn against the same character we feel tremendous sympathy for ... awesome. I'm dying to know exactly what happened with them all, and how it's going to be resolved! A few questions have been answered from the last chapter, but still ... please update this soon ;)
There are a few grammar mistakes, but I think a read-through from a beta would sort them out! And they don't detract from the flow of the story at all. It's great!
- emAuthor's Response: Yea my grammar is horrible when I write since it's normally after 10 buy the time I get started! I shall try harder!! I shall write more so even more questions are answered! Report Review
Heartbreaking. Well you've done it, you do realise? You've made me hate her. Write a Ron like that and I will do nothing but despise the people that upset him. Of course there is a tiny part of me that sympathises with Hermione - I had her run away after the war in my 'Fantastic Staff and Where to Find Them' contribution, but what could have happened to make it so unbearable? So many new questions arise...
Nice touch on the Lupin thing, very cool. And horrible that she couldn't recognise any of them. I love your Ginny and Harry's bitterness, which is very realistic. Even more so I love the way she feels comfortable with Mr and Mrs. W and that good old Neville, as always, sticks up for her. And most of all I love your Ron. His dialogue is fantastic, you can really see the loss he's experienced, but even more you can see the desperate love he feels for her. This little bit was especially fantastic: "Not just dated, we're mates..best friends. We've done everything together. We watched our friends and loved ones die and cried in each others arms. We've stood against evil and dared to believe when others thought it was impossible. You're the first girl that I ever..." --it really sums up their relationship. Finally, the last line was incredible...so powerful, so heartfelt, so upsetting. Very well done, I can't wait for more! 10/10Author's Response: I am soo sorry I made you hate Hermione ..mwahaha not!This isn't a happy happy story but it will be fun to read! I promise you that! Report Review
Lily this is an awesome, intriguing start! You unveil so many questions that I simply MUST have answered! Why did she leave the Wizarding world…and more importantly how did she managed to block it out? Is this AU…or had Lupin come back from the dead? Who was the second visitor with the hissing voice? Why did Voldemort’s followers not stop with his death? Where does Ron come into this…and why doesn’t it last? Who’s the OC that Hermione ends up with! Arrrghhh … you can’t do this to us!
There are a few grammar errors in this, but nothing that can’t be fixed with a simple read through or glance over from a beta reader! Just you speech rules and use of apostrophes, mainly. :O) Also, just because I’m annoying, I don’t think you need to both indent and leave lines between your paragraphs. I vote you leave the lines and lose the indents, just to make it easier to read on screen. :) But that’s the nitpicking aside, let’s get on with the actual review…
You start the story of magnificently and have an incredible way with words when it comes to describing the scene. Phrases such as ‘The sun made a show with it's streaks of pink and red before settling below the horizon and the darkness began to take over the sky.’ are simply beautiful. You have a certain ambiguity to your writing, especially when the man enters, where we feel like we’re in the same shoes as Hermione…completely lost and confused! This really adds to the suspense you’ve managed to build up! You managed to carry the tension and expectancy right on to the end! What a cliff-hanger! I really, really can’t wait for more! I hope you update soon and until then, this is on my favourites! XAuthor's Response: I am looking for a beta but sadly I have a hard time finding people who are willing to do it. I am soo glad that you enjoyed the chapter, I'm going to do my best to keep it up :) I'll take your notes and edit what i can! THanks!!!! Report Review
Hey, Lily! I saw this was up on SAYS and thought I'd come over straight away to have a look. Thank goodness I did! This is so ... intriguing :)
You start off brilliantly, setting the scene with Hermione tending her garden. Of course, the reader doesn't know what'd going on at this point, so this draws us in excellently. I'm guessing from the summary that Hermione chose to forget her past and her pain? Anyway, really good start. And then we have a mysterious man entering the scene. His lack of name kept me on the edge of my seat, and his dialogue, full of unanswered questions ... brilliantly done. I had to keep reading to find out who he was, as I'm sure was your intention ;)
And then we get his name. We, of course, know exactly who he is (is this carrying on from DH or are we assuming Lupin survived?) but Hermione's memory is jogged a little, that's all ... this is also brilliantly done, and I'm dying to know how she's going to cope with it all.
And the end! You've done a great job of getting me to want more ;) I can totally understand Hermione's outburst at the end - I would be exactly the same!
Lol. Great first chapter. Can't wait for more!
- EmAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the review!!! I'm so glad you liked it and yes it's after DH and it follows the book as well as I can. Lupin will be explained later on! Thank you so much for the indepth amazing review!! *HUGS* You're amazing!!! Report Review
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