Hello there, here I am to review.
Your writing is beautiful. Your main areas of concern were over description, hooking the reader, and slowness. So I'll start with the description then. You used a lot of description, which, to me, only makes it more interesting to read. In the beginning though you could probably cut a bit. For hooking the reader, I was pretty hooked. Not from the start but I kept reading , that's when the description turned me off because I didn't understand what was going on. I think your pace was fine, but I thought the whole Pansy/Blaise scene in the library scene was a bit too fast for my liking. I didn't really see any grammar and spelling errors, except for at the end in the author's note. You said hear, instead of here. If and when you update you may pass me the link in the thread, along with your areas of concern. Good luck to you! Overall, nice work.
KaraAuthor's Response: Thank you. I also noticed overdescription so I think I really really really need to work on that. Thank you for you reveiw! Report Review
Sorry it took so long.
So, I liked it. There was a few grammatical errors, but nothing a good grammar check or beta can't fix.
I quite liked Pansy's little monologue about the rain. It was Slytherin-like in its proud sarcasm, but held the kind of heartbreak that would be expected from such a situation.
Anyway, not much to say, good start,just fix those errors and you'll be good!
Overall Grade: E+
-RiniAuthor's Response: Yay! *does dance* I've got a beta now so I will be getting those fixed. Thanks! Report Review
hm, quite good. Draco seemed a little..odd to me, but I don't really know how to explain it. Well, I like the idea of this story and it seems like a nice start to me. It would be interesting to see where you go with this story. (: oh and i didn't notice any spelling/grammar errors and the spacing is perfect.Author's Response: Thank you. I hope that I didn't mess Draco up too bad for you... Report Review
You had a good start to this chapter. I felt it gave insight on the main character right away and that's good. There are some typos in there, like I think you used "and" instead of "the" in a sentence in the first paragraph. There are some grammar errors too, so I think maybe you should go back and check for those. Everything else is good though. I particularly love your descriptions and just your style of writing. It's really very good. I can really imagine everything. So good job! Keep up the good work! 9/10 :D
-CyndiAuthor's Response: Thank you! I've got a beta working on those little things now so those should get fixed. Thanks for the review! Report Review
Hey Dedikated! It's me, finally come to review your story. Thanks for being patient :D
Okay first thing I noticed was this run-on sentence in the very first paragraph: "No, Blaise Zabini enjoyed the dreary and damp days for none other than the fact that it gave him a reason to sit inside and Entrance hall with nothing better to do but watch the slick cascade of rain run down the glass window placed near the benches that were usually used by students trying to enjoy the sun on days when classes occupied their time."
It's very, very well-written (in fact your entire chapter is, I have no complaints about that!) but it was just a very long sentence and it might flow better if you broke it down slightly. :)
Hahaha I love how sarcastic Pansy is about finding Draco in the rain with another girl. Love this: "You had to go out then from riding your wonderful broom to the team room and upon realizing your soaking clothes, took every single one off. And to sweeten things, Tracey Davis just happened to be ion there. She too was an idiotic moron and wandered into the rain and took all her clothes off."
Poor Blaise, I think that he really likes Pansy but unfortunately I have this feeling she's only using him as a rebound to get over Draco. :( And wow, Hermione walks in on them at the end! Blaise sounds like a stud, I can't blame Hermione for checking him out HAHA!
Well this is a terrific beginning, as I said before it's really well-written and flows very nicely. The pace is just perfect. At first I thought Pansy grabbing and kissing Blaise was a little abrupt but again, hey, Blaise is a rebound and she needs to get over Draco or get revenge on him. So I really enjoyed it, and keep up the good work!! :) Feel free to request again whenever you've updated!Author's Response: Yay! Another review. I get really excited about these things....
Thank you for such an indepth review! I did also notice the sentence as I wrote it out but I had the hardest time figuring out how to change it but I will for sure work on that since I know a person has noticed it.
Pansy's sarcasm was kind of funny for me to write. I've actually laughed at some of the things I can think of her saying. :P How pathetic is that?
*Wags finger* I can't tell you about Pansy's little need for Draco and what she plans...but you're so close. Augh! Thank you so very much for such a great review! And I think I'll take you up on your offer. :P Report Review
Oh yay! I'm so glad that it is finally up. I'm looking forward to more. Other than a few mistakes like misspelled words it was technically very good. Right, I better go and start tracking this story now. Whee!
=^_^=Author's Response: Thanks! Bye! *whee!* Report Review
Hope you won't be too harsh on Pansy! She's already got enough bashing from JKR! I don't know what will happen to Hermione and Pansy, but for the first time I hope they'll become friends. I swear, this is the first time. The fic was, I don't know any other words to describe it, other than gripping and surprisingly excellent (I say surprising because not many of these writers are capable of such quality, in my opinion, very few, 10 out of the rest.) Few mistakes on our Author's Notes, but not in the fic itself that I noticed. I hope you find the time to type the next chapter soon!Author's Response: Wow. Thank you. I'm glad that you found it so enjoyable and I deeply hope that the next chapter will live up to the standards you have from the first. I was actually typing the chapter when I came to check these reveiws, and the chapter is probably 49% written and almost entire 49% is typed. I'll probably be putting it up for validation on the fifth or sixth of January. Be sure to check back, and thanks again! Report Review
i like the way your story started! hope you update soon :)Author's Response: thank you! Report Review
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