Some of your paragraphs are REALLY long, and having long paragraphs makes it incredibly hard to read a story.
Most of what I said in my last review passes on over to this one, so I can't add much.
I like the inklings of jealousy with Drake, and the start of something with Darrel, they were really good.
So, keep on writing!
Emi Report Review
A next-next-generation? Interesting idea, and you've started it well.
I think you need to get a beta, because there are a lot of grammatical mistakes, like punctuation in the wrong places and things.
Although the punctuation problems make the story hard to read at times, you've created some great characters, and also built up the world of the future. You've got some good description, and all in all, a pretty good beginning!
Emi Report Review
I think the premise of your story is really interesting. I haven't seen any next-next-next generations yet! :) I like the way you give some brief background about what's going on in your character's world and then move on to what is happening now. So Victoria Rose is Hugo's daughter, then?
I think your Hogwarts Express scene was the perfect length ... not too long or short and contained some vital information... So Scorpius had a little grandson named Drake? Interesting. And Victoria and Drake are both in Gryffindor... VERY interesting.
One thing I would really suggest for you is to geta beta. Your storyline is pretty strong, but there are a lot of mistakes that kind of take away from the meaning at some points... I know a great place to find a beta! If you want to know where it is, just PM me!
So far, a good start. Report Review
NoOoOo. How could you stop it there?
I hope the next chapter will be out soon.
I am favoriting this story and will be reviewing every
single chapter to come. hehe.
I also want to say dont get discuraged about lack of reviews, many readers will not review until the story is finished. Atleast that is what I found with my story. Just do what I do I determine how well a story is doing but how many reads it is getting. (you can find that in manage stories).
Also get a beta, it will really help with little errors that are hard to catch. If you arent wanting to get a beta then I would suggest proof reading carefully and meticulously.
Your adjectives and description is getting better but there is still room for improvement, but it is a wonderful story that I am favoriting. :D
Keep up the good work and update soon...
P.s. careful when you are requesting reviews and the forums, your link would not work until I looked at it and realized that you had used the insert a link and did not delete the little code given to you beore you pasted. Just be careful. Report Review
oooh I sense some jealousy on Drakes part!
Omg I love this story.
I hate that Darrel guy ;D swoop in and steal the girl...jerk. ha.
you are doing wondefully.
I have noticed alot of minior mistakes throught this chapter I would suggest getting a beta. They can really help!
Your descriptive words are getting better I like that.
I would say "you took my advice!'' *huggles* BUT hahaha you didnt have it then. So I can not take credit for that one...
Maybe I can the 4th chapie we will se. ;)
Ok I need the next chapter so expect a loong review at the end of the next chapter.
ashley Report Review
sadfjasdkfasldfkj *mad face* I hate when that happens.
I had this beautiful long detailed review and then some how it decided to just disappear --like magic-- haha.
Ok wonderful 1st chapter. I would like to say how brave you are to take on a story in 1st person for your first fanfiction.
But mind you, it can be easy to slip back into 3rd person and then end up needing to re-write the whole thing over again.
But I did not see any mistakes like that in this chapter.
The way you portray the main characters is beautiful, I love your writting style its so new, and unique. Beautiful characters thats all I can say. ;D
Ok I am going to give you some very valuable advice that helped me grow so much as an author...
Adjectives are your friends, you use them but not correctly.
You either put too many where it is not necissary or not enough when it is.
So here is what I am going to tell you...
You are the author and you know the characters and the settings and even the plott inside out. But we as the readers do not. So your job is to put everything in our heads with your words, get a moive going...Adjectives are good, just let them flow and you'll be fine.
I love this story I am going to continue now, even thought there is so much more I would like to say...
I have a feeling my last review may be veryyy long. I hope you like them ;D
Ashley Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection