140 Reviews Found

Review #1, by blimmchen Due Stelle

27th November 2010:
Wow, I really really like your story. It is very mysterious and slightly confusing... but I am sure once you write more, it will all become clearer. Update soon :)

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Review #2, by Sugar_Cane Due Stelle

26th November 2010:
Really Interesting story! Why doesn't she remember Oliver! Ugh poor Oliver =(
Keep writing cause I think it is a really good story! Im putting it in my favourites!
-Katie-

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Review #3, by Sugar_Cane Mai the Seeker. Not Chaser.

25th November 2010:
Very Interesting frist chapter! I really like how this is turning out and can't wait to read more!
Keep up the hard work!
-Katie-

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Review #4, by painfullygone Christmas Village

22nd April 2009:
well, I must say you have definately improved since you first started this story. The writing technics are better, and so is the feeling to the whole story. Great job, and continue writing!
-painfullygone

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Review #5, by AnnaKay Christmas Village

10th March 2009:
This is a very good chapter. Again, a little more detail would have been nice, but it's not bad overall. I think your plot is advancing nicely. Great job.

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Review #6, by AnnaKay Home Again

10th March 2009:
Another good chapter. I can't wait to see where this is going. It has good pace and it is understandable. Great job with this chapter, the tease of information is nice, it would be great to have more, but that is my impatient side.

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Review #7, by Illuminate Good Friends.

2nd March 2009:
Very good! I think this is the best episode so far and I like your relationships with Adrian- however he doesn't seem much of a Slytherin.

Well done though, and if you want any more reviews then re-request!

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Review #8, by Illuminate Slytherin Tonight

2nd March 2009:
Very good! You are consistant in this and I like the plot. Your characters are also good.

However, some physical descriptions would be nice.

Anyway, i'll read the next chap!

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Review #9, by Illuminate Mishaps

2nd March 2009:
Hiya.

This was much better! It was a lot more readable- and I enjoyed this chapter much more than the first! However, are students from other houses allowed in their common rooms? I thought Mai was a Ravenclaw?

Anyway, great again. Well done!

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Review #10, by Illuminate Mai the Seeker. Not Chaser.

2nd March 2009:
This was very good! I enjoyed it, especially the beginning. However, there were some things I noticed.

Your spacing was very uneven- try to make the paragraphs closer together. Also, it seems a little unlikely that she would be on such good terms with Fred, George and Harry, and not have met Wood? Your descriptions need some work aswell.

Overall though, I think this is a great start, i'll read on! :D

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Review #11, by AnnaKay Trouble's on the Horizon

27th February 2009:
A good chapter again. The flow is good, and it was much easier to stick with this chapter and be able to read it all.

You have some very interesting things going on here, and you are working good at it. Some of the information I find slightly confusing, but the rest is very good. Great job, it is good and wonderful and I like it.

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Review #12, by AnnaKay So Goes the Days of Life

24th February 2009:
What a great chapter. It took me a while to get back into the story, reviewing the earlier chapters first and then coming back to it. All the same though, it was a good chapter. There were a few places that there was some type of typing error. It was good with a good flow.

Good job.

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Review #13, by painfullygone Mai the Seeker. Not Chaser.

19th February 2009:
Hello! Painfullygone finally here xD
Okay, this is the thing. I USUALLY dont leave a review in the beginning, but I'd figured you may need a little help.
I L O V E the story, but the beginning was quick rocky. Most of the first paragraphs can be roped together and have more similies and metaphors to make points. The violent scene could have been more dramatic if you included more thoughts or emotions. Like how adrenile was pumping through her system, or how she always thought she'd never end up in a situation like that. Just a thought. ^.^
But other than that, I really do like this story, so if you see other reviews [mostly random from now on until the last one] it just means I really enjoyed a certain part of a certain chapter. ^.^

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Review #14, by TwilightPrincess Slytherin Tonight

19th February 2009:
I was worried at the beginning when you started getting into the clothes situation. I was worried that you were going to have a whole conversation between Jess and Mai about clothes that has nothing to do with the plot. But you didn't, so thank you. You realized that the only reason to include a situation like that would be if you were going to incorporate an important plot point, which you did. Good job. You saved yourself =P

I wasn't a huge fan of the characterization of Snape here. I felt like he just wasn't quite right. I can't quite put my finger on what it was, but I'll try to explain myself. I think he called her 'Sutherland' too often, and it lessened the effect of using a last name. I also think that Snape should be kept a man of few words, and phrases like, "...if you don't mind..." should be reserved for other characters. Not Snape. It's not a huge deal, but it did bother me a bit.

Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^

.:.Ilia.:.

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Review #15, by TwilightPrincess Mishaps

19th February 2009:
I'm seeing the beginning of a love triangle of the Quidditch variety. That's juicy. I'm not much of a Quidditch writer, but I do know how to write jocks. I think you have that part covered. They are hard-headed and don't like to talk about their emotions, and in that respect, you got their characterizations right. So good job on that. I love the name Mai by the way.

There were some minor grammar mistakes, like commas and things of that nature, and they were a little distracting. Probably because I'm a crazy grammar freak, but you might just want to get those cleaned up.

There was a lot of dialogue in this chapter, and I usually love it. I'm not against the use of a lot of dialogue, but it almost seemed a little excessive here. I would have liked to see more of the characters' thoughts. Dialogue is a great way to show characterization, but I think we as readers can see more about them based on what they don't say as opposed to what they do say.

Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^

.:.Ilia.:.

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Review #16, by TwilightPrincess Mai the Seeker. Not Chaser.

19th February 2009:
That was a good line you chose to start off the chapter. It was straight-forward and bold, which really caught my attention. It also showed a lot about characterization. It showed that you're going to portray Davies as a strong-willed character and one that takes control easily. And about Mai, it showed that she likes to goof off and that it can sometimes get her in trouble. Good job on that. Opening lines are very important. Though if I were you, I'd go ahead and say ass instead of butt. You may as well go all-out.

I am worried that Mai is coming across as the typical OC. Quick-witted, smart mouth, good Quidditch player, gets along with the hot guys... She just seems to be a little much for me, and I think you would do well to keep a good eye on where she's going.

As for plot, I think this chapter had too much going on in it. It was as though I wasn't reading a first chapter but the first half. I would try to cut some of your chapters down. Don't give your readers a lot away at once. Give us a taste and keep us wanting more.

Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^

.:.Ilia.:.

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Review #17, by Phoenix_Flames Mai the Seeker. Not Chaser.

19th February 2009:
Hello, there! I'm here with your review as requested. :]]

This was very nice, refreshing actually. It's lively and unique and very well written. You are very talented.

I really didn't see mistakes. Which is excellent. I'm a big fan of no-mistake-maker's. ;) It makes for such an easier read, and much, much more enjoyable.

I loved Mai. She was very unique. I'm tired of all those Mary-Sue girls. Mai was brilliant.

Your characterizations were great. We don't know much about Roger Davies, but this is exactly how I would imagine him. Excellent job. Your descriptions were nice. You kept them short, brief, alive, and you didn't dwell on things as to bore the reader.

This was truly excellent and I don't have much to comment on besides the flow. It was a little off and you seem rushed. Take your time. Nothing should make you in a hurry. Whatever you're excited for, it will come in its own time. Just take a deep breath. XD

But other than that, this was wonderful. Keep it up and I can't wait to see what's next!

Onto the second chapter!!

9/10

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Review #18, by alanapotter Christmas Village

15th February 2009:
So firstly, I decided that I'd read the whole thing and just give one review on the chapter you suggested instead of every chapter like I normally do... so here goes!

I absolutely LOVE this story. Oliver is a fantastic, what I consider older, minor character, and the sensitivity and gentleman-like rules you have him adhere to works just lovely for him. I'm really intrigued in how this will turn out. I also love your character - how she has this part of her missing and it comes back slowly, but it's not in a good way because of what could happen.

To answer the question on more detail, I mean it kind of depends what you're looking for. If you want to keep things really obscure and up in the air so that the character (and therefore your audience) is yearning for more all the time, then I think I would leave it just as it is. But if you want the story to progress a bit faster, then I think you may want to add in the other details. It really revolves around where you're going with the rest of the story. If you have any questions on what I mean by this, please PM me and I'll answer them! :]

I have to add in my plug for the grammar. There were a lot of phonetic issues throughout the whole story that always caught my eye and I would have to stop and figure them out. I remember specifically 'foreword' instead of 'forward'. I would just suggest going back and rereading them or having your beta readers look more at the spelling and grammar of your pieces. Or you don't have to change them at all haha... I'm just one of those nit-picky grammar readers :]

I can't wait to read more of this!!
-alana

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Review #19, by confusedlover Mishaps

15th February 2009:
very lovely.

i thought that this was a very well done addition to the previous chapter. i liked the certain aspects that connected the two together and find that you did an amazing job with making sure that the transitions were done cleanly and efficiently.

the characterizations continued to progress and define nicely as the story did the same. i like where you are going with the characters and find that if you keep them in a similar mode for future chapters things will continue to work out. do not change them too much. they are fine the way that they seem to be.

once again, i thought that you could work on your flow and pacing. this seemed to be rushed through a bit and if that continues, it could arise to become a major turnoff for wanted readers. slow down and take your time. it will benefit you beyond anything.

overall, i thought that you did a wonderful job with this entire chapter. i like the feel that everything is going to continue on in a dramatic and action-like way and that will continue to amount readers. nice job. this was done well.

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Review #20, by confusedlover Mai the Seeker. Not Chaser.

15th February 2009:
very lovely.

i thought that you did a wonderful job with this story so far. this was a very pleasant introduction to whatever you have planned to happen next in this story and that is always a good thing to collect when just beginning to read a new story and all.

i thought that you did an amazing job on your characterization. you portrayed each of the cannon characters in a similar fashion as i would and i think that that is an accomplishment. not because i am the queen of characterization, but because when a writer and a reader can agree so easily on the way that characters should act, something should be right about the way that they did things.

i thought that you rushed a little bit with the flow, however. pace is something that a majority of writers struggle with and i think that there lies your room for improvement. just slow down and take your time as you write and things should begin to work out. let the words flow with ease and do not focus so much on the main point of the chapter. this should help you greatly in the future.

overall, i thought that you did an amazing job with this first chapter. everything seemed to work out so well and i find that you have the makings of a story making great and easy sense. just work a little bit more with your flow and pacing and i guarantee that you will find yourself possessing major improvement as a writer. nice job on this.

onto the second chapter.

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Review #21, by Rori Christmas Village

15th February 2009:
Oh I was right!
Your writing has DEFINITELY blossomed since the first chapter!
This was wonderful, very sweet, very well written and I love how you wrote Oliver. I don't think you need to change it at all, unless you really want to.
I'd give you critique, but I don't have much to critique you on in this, as I said, you have a talent for dialogue (Especially between teenagers, and british/scottish ones at that, it's not too proper and not too casual) and I just... I really like this chapter.
If you want any more reviews be sure to let me know.
9/10
Only because nothing is perfect.
Sincerely,
Rori

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Review #22, by Rori Mai the Seeker. Not Chaser.

15th February 2009:
I've actually read this before, but I think it was perhaps at an ungodly hour of the morning. So you know, I decided that I'll review this chapter and eat my way through the rest and review your latest chapter.
Nice long, solid chapter. I would have liked a little less space between some of the lines, but no worries, that's a technical issue, not a writing issue, really.
Okay, really, my only problem with this one that some of it seemed a little unbelievable- I can see Roger leaving her out there, Flint being a prick, though it seems to border on the edge of being too far out there... however I think you have a lot of talent with dialogue, and that saved it from being a little too out there. Also you seem to have a flair for action (Much better than my own, I never seem to nail dramatic scenes quite right.)
That said, I did enjoy reading this, even if I am a little bit out of it (as I mentioned in the thread, I have a bit of homework and just came out of three hours worth.)
8/10
You're doing well. This is definitely good, especially for the first chapter, and I'm sure in the 9th (when I get there) I'll be quite impressed!
Sincerely,
Rori

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Review #23, by furaha Christmas Village

10th February 2009:
Excellent job with the story so far. I got a concussion last May and since have been dealing with minor brain damage. Most of it is memory loss, balance, trouble with mental tracking (and thus sometimes conversations). Reading this story it was interesting to see the similarities, even though you've alluded to the idea that these problems are from something in her past, not from the concussion.
The anticipation in the plot is somewhat frustrating. A good frustration, as I keep wanting to read more. It's fun to read a story with a fresh plot idea, rather than the typical story of just boy meets girl. However, it can get confusing to read only brief snippets of memories and harder to visualize. Perhaps you can feed in a couple solid memories, just for the reader to get a better image of her past (without giving away the plot). I'm also having trouble sometimes keeping the uncles, aunts, cousins of Mai's and Jess's separate. Perhaps you could give them names, rather than referring to 'her uncle'.
Can't wait for the next chapter!

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Review #24, by Caoimhe Home Again

11th January 2009:
Very interesting. Can't wait to find out what happened, and what will happen! Please write more soon! :)

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Review #25, by icyfire Home Again

21st December 2008:
I loved this chapter :) I'm really excited to find out about who and what has been wiped from her memories. Keep up the good work I cannot wait to read the rest.

Author's Response: I should have a new chapter up in the next month. Thanks for reading!

ERA


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