I had posted a response to your inquiry on the O/C Workshop and happened to see that the story was posted. So let me be the first . . .
I see that, at least tentatively, you went with blond. I think that's a good choice. You want something that will contrast with his "obsession", which I presume is the Slytherin boy.
I think you are handling the issue of your main character's shyness well. Just be careful that he is shy in a way that is uniquely his own. My impression -- others may disagree -- is that the "shy protagonist" is a plotting trap in slash stories because it so easily leads to cliche.
The things that did bother me were confusing, sort of inconsistent items. Why would his family want him to forget all his magic and be a Muggle doctor. As to the family not wanting him to be magical, you might want to consider front-loading more information, because this leaves an awfully big question mark. (Or, alternatively, since the first chapter introduces his obsession with James, just leave the whole Family issue to be dealt with later.) As to the doctor thing: while I can see a Muggle family wanting their son to be a doctor, it raises the question of whether his family is so unreasonable that they really expect him to restart his education after Hogwarts so he can qualify for a Muggle medical college.
His journal entry about the importance of friendship was quite touching. But choosing an Unspeakable as the "for instance" makes the example a bit more confusing than necessary, since Unspeakables cannot speak even to their friends. What he's saying is, suppose I got a wonderful job in the magical world? My family doesn't approve, so I'd have nobody to celebrate with, because I have no friends.
I like that you put James in Ravenclaw. I'm guessing that the little Slytherin might be Albus. You might want to check your dates. James was, as I recall, 2nd year in 2017 (the year of the Epilogue). You describe Oscar as a 6th year, but at the beginning of the Chapter, you indicate that he and James are in the same year. So I'm a bit confused.
Finally, for a young man to say of another young man
"I wasn't sexually attracted to this boy. At least, I didn’t think I was."
-- does not seem too consistent with human nature. That's a torturous issue for an adolescent to deal with. (That's one reason slash fiction is often so angst-ridden.) I would give some thought to how Oscar really feels about this notion.
Oh, and why is Christopher such a jerk to Oscar? (Inquiring readers will want to know.)
I mean no offense, and I hope you understand that the foregoing is intended to be constructive. Feel free to tell me off if you disagree. I think a lot of your writing, and particularly your dialogue, were very good, and I look forward to seeing more.Author's Response: Thanks so much. I'm leaving the family issue to be dealt with later on in the story, and the reasons by Christopher is such a jerk to Oscar will be revealed in upcoming chapters.
Thanks for letting me know about the dates - I'll go fix that now. :D
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