Hi! I really enjoyed this story. Unfortunately, I think the lack of reviews is only due to your use of less popular minor characters. I really wouldn't worry about it. Here's are some things I noticed while reading:
1) Your descriptions were awesome. That first paragraph especially was wonderfully worded. "It wove around hillsides and was swallowed by great hills and valleys"--great stuff! It could be seen as a little too much to describe a train's movement, but I think it works at the beginning of the story to draw the reader in.
2) I don't think your grammar is too bad at all! Trust me, I've seen much much worse. The only thing is that you tend to overuse commas. If you use Microsoft Word to write, there is a grammar check that works pretty well with commas. Usually, less is more, but if your sentence looks long, put one in. I know that's not very technical, but comma use is really complicated and I can't really explain it, especially since I'm no expert myself.
3) Nice bit of juxtaposition there with the dwarf as gameskeeper. He contrasts nicely with Hagrid the half-giant. Your description of the dwarf sounded oddly like Flitwick to me. Was he?
4) Hufflepuff, eh? Nice choice! There are far too many OCs who end up in Gryffindor that I'm sure the other Houses have complained. It adds an interesting side to Porpentina because we don't know too much about Hufflepuffs. Yes they are loyal, hardworking...but the Sorting Hat also says that Helga Hufflepuff just "took the rest" of the students who didn't fit into one of the other houses. It's definitely some food for thought!
Overall, a great great job. It was very interesting to read about a OC who would be paired with a minor character!
Happy Holidays!Author's Response: Thank you very much for such a helpful review.
I'm glad that you liked my descriptions, it seems to be something that many reviewers pick up on in my fics, so I must be doing something right. But I completely agree with you that it could possibly be too much, but quite frankly I like it, so nothing is going to change with it. :P I like to write some fancy opening paragraph at the beginning of a fic.
Commas, they are the bane of my life. It seems that I can never use them properly, I either use them too much or not enough. The thing is that I have never learnt how to use punctuation properly besides capital letters and full stops, since I am past that sort of age to learn it, it is something very hard to try and get your head around! I will try and keep your tip in mind though, I just hope that i don't go back to not putting in enough!
The dwarf isn't actually Flitwick though in my mind he is very similar. I thought it would be nice to put in a tiny gamekeeper when we have only seen Hagrid before, it will be interesting to write a scene with him in the Forbidden forest. :)
Good old understated Hufflepuffs, I really feel for the characters in that house, because they get no credit in the books. None of the main characters are from Hufflepuff, why? And when I read about Hufflepuff OCs in fanfiction it seems to be a very flat house, all of the people are just simply nice and basically pushovers! I want to add another dimension to the house, which you may catch the glimmer of from the other Hufflepuff girl mentioned.
So yes, thank you once again for your review. It is nice to know that I haven't gone terribly wrong! Just to let you know that Porpentina is not actually an OC, she is mentioned in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them by Newt (J.K.Rowling) Scamander, so she is in fact a real character with but one mention to her name.
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