wow i'm a late reviewer HEHEHEHEH
its like 9am and i havent slept yet jessie33!`~~
ive drank like 5 cups of coffee LMAO
and now im reading your story yayzs1!111Author's Response: christine ilu bezzfranzz!!!1 Report Review
Ok, first of all, I'm really really really REALLY INCREDIBLY SUPER SORRY that it took so long to get to your story. I've been really busy, and this is the first chance I've had- so I'm really sorry!
Well, I'm a bit undecided on this one. I like the plot line, and your spelling/grammar is fine (although you've been spelling "conscience" "concious", which has been driving my little OCD brain mad :P)- but there's something that's missing- I don't know what. Honestly, it's probably because it's only the third chapter, so I wouldn't worry about that too much.
What I really like, actually, is that even though you KNOW it's going to be a Sirius/OC story, it doesn't SEEM like a Sirius/OC story. It has some exposition and reveals things carefully- I've found that too often in fanfiction, because we already know the characters, that writers seem to think that the rules for exposition don't apply- or else they clumsily rush it and just blurt out all of the facts. Yours is a nice mix between using the prior knowledge of the characters while still allowing for slow unveiling of the facts.
Nice Job, a solid story. :)
Overall Grade: E
-RiniAuthor's Response: Hehe, no problem about the wait.
I understand, I've actually been neglecting my own little review thread *shudders*
Eek, I don't know why but I always spell conscience wrong. It's such an awkward word!
Yay! I was hoping that it wouldn't seem like an OC story yet, I want to develop Sirius a lot more!
Thanks you very much :] Report Review
Hey again! The POV thing I mentioned in my last review came back - I think it worked really well without announcing "Owen Edwards" and "Caroline Edwards," and simply putting line breaks in between each viewpoint to separate them. So I would check up on that.
The animosity between Caroline and Lily is kind of abrupt and there wasn't any reason given for it. I would have liked to hear more about why they don't like each other.
I'm still not convinced on Caroline as a strong OC, you know? Don't get me wrong, I do like her. She's very nice and she's funny, and she gets along with the Marauders and all that, but she just needs some quirks that set her apart. I wouldn't say that she is a Mary Sue, but so far I haven't seen any extremely human traits to her you know? She's likable but not very relatable yet.
It's a funny and cute story so far however, and I think you've got the makings of an entertaining author. Again just watch for your punctuation, proofread and develop, and you'll be golden. :) I'm glad I got the chance to read your story and I hope you keep up the good work! Nice job so far :)Author's Response: Thank you! I'm trying really hard to make Caroline more realistic, but I haven't written many OCs before. I also think I'm going to edit the chapters and put more of a back story between Lily and Caroline. I realize now that it was very cliché to make them instantly dislike each othe hehe.
And again, thank you very much! Report Review
I love the characterization of Remus - just pitch-perfect. He's caring and worried and blames himself for everything ... I think in two paragraphs you described him much better than most Remus-oriented stories I have seen. Great job on that and I hope to see more of him! (I love Remus ... can you tell? :P )
I have to say, you also improved on changing POVs because you segued into each character's viewpoint gracefully without announcing who they were, like you did in the first chapter. I like the line breaks between each POV a million times better! It looks a lot cleaner, and generally it's just easier to follow.
The scene on the train was cute ... you do realize "Emma Thompson" is the name of an actress? :D Did Caroline get lost in her own memories? I like that you didn't put all of the girls together in Gryffindor, and split one of them into Hufflepuff.
The same grammar mistakes popped up that I pointed out in the last chapter, but I won't bore you again with typing them all out so just keep a watchful eye out for the punctuation around your dialogue.
Generally well-written once again and it's enjoyable to read! Next chapter! :)Author's Response: Yes, i do pride myself on my characterization of Remus, he seems to be the most in-character out of all whom i have written. Wow that was a run-on sentence lol :]
Ok, I will definitely look into replacing the announcements into line breaks!
Yes, many people have told me that Emma Thompson is a name of an actress, but I didn't realize when I was writing it. When I picked her name, I picked Thompson cause it was on a list of common english surnames and Emma because I like that name.
Originally Emma was supposed to be in Gryffindor but I decided against it, and I'm glad that I did.
Thanks! Report Review
Hello there! Got your lovely reviews on my story and I thought I'd come and fulfill your request and return the favor at the same time. :)
I like this beginning so far, it's a very interesting idea that Sirius fathered a child and the child doesn't know. So Owen was born after Sirius was put into prison? And now Sirius has just escaped? I like how Remus came to comfort Caroline and that he was the first person she turned to; he seems like the type of friend that people would run to in a crisis. I hope Caroline gets better, but it looks like Owen will have to grow up pretty fast now and take care of himself.
I'm pretty strict about grammar and I did find a lot of mistakes throughout the story. Hope you don't mind if I point a few of them out, but it would be an excellent idea to go back and proofread or consider enlisting the help of a beta reader. Here are a few:
I realized that it had been years since I had last given her a hug (needs a period at the end)
...Stay there or go back into town for an hour or two, here’s a couple sickles” (needs a period before the closing quotation marks)
“Remus, I’m in the kitchen” (again, needs a period before the closing quotation marks)
If you sight him (not the right word; use "see")
mille-second (misspelled; should be "millisecond")
But it’s over now and there’s nothing we can do.” Remus replied (always use a comma before the closing quotation marks, if you're not using an exclamation point or a question mark)
honestly I’d be shocked if you didn’t still love him.” Remus replied gently. (same problem here; use a comma before the closing quotation mark)
Generally it was well written and the idea is interesting, so good job on that. Also - I don't think it's a good idea to threaten not to update if you don't get reviews, sometimes that turns people off. Keep requesting on the forums and post a lot, advertise your story in your signature, make new friends, and I promise the reviews will come. So just be patient. :)
Next chapter yay!Author's Response: Thank you for pointing out those mistakes, many people have noted grammatical mistakes but not given specifics. The problem with me is that I fixed a lot of mistakes on word document, but never re-submitted the edited chapter.
and yeah i was kind of desperate when i threatened for reviews, but when i re-submit the edited chapter, i will fix that up :]
As for your questions, yes Owen was born after Sirius' imprisonment. Caroline was going to tell him that night when he came home, but then the Potters were murdered.
Thank you very much :] Report Review
Here I am as requested. :)
I really liked the OC character Owen. I do think that it went too fast. I think you should slow it down and defiantly add description. If course this is the first chapter, so it's suppose to be boring to some people.
Description is the biggy for me. Description is one of the most important things that you need in a chapter/story. You must have it, or the whole story will seem boring. A lot of people don't like a lot of description, but I on the other hand love a lot of description.
This is a good first chapter. I really like it. All you need is more description, and put more feeling into the characters, because if you don't feel the characters then you readers won't.
I hoped I help.7/10
BrowneyesAuthor's Response: Thank you :]
One of my biggest faults is rushing and I really need to work on it. I think I might re-write the first chapter sometime in the near future because it doesn't match my usual standards.
I didn't realize how little emotion that I showed Caroline having, so I must go back and fix that also!
And again, thank you a lot for being honest. Report Review
Okay, I liked this chapter a lot better! It was much more interesting and you seemed to be developing the characters pretty well. Caroline definitely doesn't seem like a Mary Sue anymore. This chapter was much more original than the previous one, so great job with that. I liked the action involved and the creativity with what happened. That was pretty funny how they could have easily gotten back into the dorm. I really like your Peter so far too. A lot of writers just make him a terrible character from the beginning. You've at least put some background into his character, showing why he acts the way he does. I like that.
The main thing with this chapter was more grammatical errors. You seem to not separate some of that dialogue with a space. It's much easier to read if you separate it. And there were several grammatical errors, unfortunately. Luckily, on the forums you can request a beta if you want. I definitely suggest that as it can really help your story.
Oh, and I really like Owen and Remus so far. I like the opening bits of the story and I would love to read more about them and their backgrounds. The story is interesting, but I think more needs to be shown from that. Just my thoughts. Great job so far!Author's Response: Okay, it is reassuring to know that Caroline doesn't seem like a Mary Sue anymore because I really rather detest Mary Sues'.
I have read numerous fic's where Peter was either left out, or was a horrible person, or everyone seemed to secretly think he was untrustworthy. I enjoy writing background for Peter, because in a way it sort of justifies his acts (in my mind at least).
I'm bad with spacing, not going to lie. And I will definitely look into getting a beta to help me with it.
I'm glad that you like Owen and Remus, I think it adds a nice touch to it :] Eventually they will play a bigger role - when the story flips back to the future *hint hint*
Thank you very much for the reviews! Report Review
Okay, this isn't what I thought it was going to be - I didn't realize that you were going back to the past of Caroline. I liked the idea of what happened to her, but a lot of her past just seemed a bit boring. I think it might be because I've read so many Marauder story, that this just wasn't too distinct from the rest of them. I'm still not sure about Caroline's character - I guess you said you're still working on developing her. I just hope that she doesn't turn out to be a Mary Sue because she kind of seems like one now.
Sorry about that criticism. Now on to the go stuff. Your description was very good. You have a great style of writing and I didn't really see as many grammar problems in this chapter, so great job! I really think you're a great writer, I just would like to see this plot develop a bit more. I'll read the next chapter and let you know my final opinion. :)Author's Response: Don't worry, I have many plans to make this very original, and it's not really supposed to be entirely based on the marauders. The whole story won't be the past though, eventually it will flip back to the future :]
As for Caroline, I'm still developing her and don't worry - I really hate reading Mary Sues' so I will be especially careful not to let her become one.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
This was a great start so far, you've definitely got me interested in this story! I like your OCs so far, but I'm hoping there will be more character developing on their plots in the future. This was a nice introduction to what is going to happen in the story.
The main thing that caught my eye was that there were a couple of grammatical mistakes. Make sure to look over it to catch those, you can probably fix it by just reading it over again. Great job so far and I'll have much more to say in the upcoming chapters!Author's Response: Thank you!
Yeah, most of the grammatical errors I have already discovered, only i keep fixing the mistakes on word and forgetting to fix them in the story :) Report Review
i have to tell your ight now that whatever worries i may have had during the first chapter have slowly dissipated as i contiued reading this fic. your prose is amazing and proof a pretty experienced writer, just keep on goign like this, you've grasped the concept of pace, grammar, albeit not perfect, is really getting there. just... kudos!Author's Response: okay good, i agree that the third chapter is much better.
i'm having a bit of writers block on chapter four to make sure its up to standards but i am working on it.
again, thanks so much for reviewing i really appreciate it!
:) Report Review
1. you did a far better job aat controllign yourself with the pace here so kudos on that, it's a hard thing to gain control opf and watch yourself over.
2. grammatical notes: the same
3. maybe you should consider placing flashbacks in italics, it's a bit easier to prevent confusion when you do that :)Author's Response: hmm, i'll look over the flashbacks and put them in italics whenever i have the time !
thank you so much for reviewing! Report Review
Hi, this is cosmo form the review forum…
1. grammatical note: be careful with your commas you have a tendency to use them in the wrong place, placing them where their not needed and forgetting them where they are
2. I think that you have an amazing premise here, but your main problem is just rushing through these scenes that really could be much better if they were drawn out a bit longer. When you explain what she feels you don’t really give the reader a chance to bond with her, share in her pain which I feel is vital for your fic since it discusses a great deal of heartbreak and betrayal
3. amazing idea, really great premise that should be really fun to mold and make into something greatAuthor's Response: thanks, i think i might re-do this chapter (eventually) and i need to work on the commas.
i have a terrible habit of rushing things too, but i've never written from first person before so i'm still getting the hang of it - although i might switch it around because i think i write much better in third person limited! Report Review
Oh, my gosh. I was just skimming through the lists of stories last night, and this one caught my eye. I love it!
How ironic that you should review mine the very next day.
This has been added to my favs so that i can follow it.Author's Response: that is ironic :)
i always look at the list of people online and read their stories, i must have looked at yours the day after.
thanks for the review! Report Review
I Love this fic, it is So AWESOME!!! Keep up the good work.
WilowTreeAuthor's Response: thanks :) Report Review
This is really good so far :) i am looking forward to the next chapter!!!Author's Response: thank you! im actually working on the next chapter but suffering from a bit of writers block, but i promise it will be in the queue by the weekend :) Report Review
great chapter and hope you update soon!Author's Response: thanks marieluz Report Review
How come Remus doesn't believe him? Sirius is INNOCENT!! Great idea, u've got, though. Sending her mind back into the past?Author's Response: first of all, thanks for reviewing - you just made me extremely happy =).
and second, the reason why Remus doesn't believe Sirius is because during their school years Peter wasn't very intelligent (JK confirmed that in book 3 i think). Remus just assumes that Sirius is trying to lay the blame on someone else.
Hope that helps! Report Review
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