Really great! You gave soo much detail I felt I was almost there. This could be part of some other story. You could tell of Hermione's life after the war. If you did decide to write this story I would read it even if no one else would. infinity/10Author's Response: Thanks! for the complements and the ideas. :) I'm trying to get ahead a few chapters on the relating story just so if I get writers block I don't have to worry about making readers wait! :) Report Review
Whoa, you changed the title on me! lol. Well, I did take me long enough get to this review... I am so sorry about the wait for your review request to be filled. My computer went down for awhile...
Anyway, here are some notes for you.
-"I feel the rain on my chest and running down my stomach; the mud gripping my back to the ground." Try changing this to, "...rain hitting my chest and running down my stomach, the mud gripping..." I think that flows better.
-"Is that bad?" I think you could change the word "bad" to a larger word, maybe "terrible." If you wanted to keep the word "bad," I'd suggest putting a "so" before it.
-Place a comma between "eyelids" and "threatening."
-"It's all over now" would be much more emotional if it was a paragraph in itself.
-"...my body waiting." Place a comma between the last two words.
-No apostrophe is needed in the word "owls."
-This is very, very well done. I think it's very orginal, too. Definitely giving you a 10+/10. =)
PS: Sorry again about the wait on this review.Author's Response: HEY! Thanks! :) I love when people tell me how to get better because thats why we all post right? :) anyway your suggestions really help so thanks! Oh, and sorry about the name change. Someone said I needed a title and so...thats what I came up with :P
Happy Holidays to you too! And don't worry about the wait. No prob! Report Review
Interesting! I was definitely kept in suspense throughout the story as to who was narrating and what exactly was happening. My take on it is that Hermione was perhaps captured by the enemy (Voldemort/Death Eaters) and emprisoned in a dungeon of sorts? Haha, I don't know for sure, but that's my guess.
I definitely found it very interesting. The grammar wasn't bad either. I do suggest one thing - maybe try lengthening it a bit? I don't mean to add more events, necessarily, but I bet spicing up your descriptions a bit more and adding to the details you already have would make it a better read. I revise almost everything I write about two dozen times. It really helps, I tend to find :)
Overall, this was pretty good. Kudos!
BlaireAuthor's Response: Absolutly right! It never got to see my beta so I tried to do it myself. I can beta anyones story but mine. lol :p Thanks for the tips i'm currently revising it. :) THANKS! Report Review
This is very intense. There isn't a lot here, but it is emotionally charged and well-done for what it is intended. I think it would be best if you could think of a title that sums everything up or that leaves people wondering about the content of the story.Author's Response: Yeah working on it! :) Thanks! Report Review
First off, you need a title! Titles pull readers in.
This was ok but some of it was confusing. Maybe slow down, expand on it and explain more.
The details of the surroundings were nice though.Author's Response: Thanks but I couldn't come up with a title that I thought gave it justice. :) I'm workin on it though :) Report Review
Hey there, hun! :) I apologize that this took so long for me to get to. School started kicking my butt this past week as finals begin their approach, and then I lost my voice to a cold. It's still gone, but I feel like I can function relatively well today. ;) And that, is my sad story, lol!
This is a very interesting approach to Hermione's character. I must admit that your ending was a surprise. Kudos to you, as I think surprise was your desired effect. I love this type of writing--it relies on description and emotion. It takes talent to write that well, and I think you did a pretty nice job with this.
I feel like this could have been so much longer. You could have at least hit the 1000 word marker, I think. You did a good job with what you did write, but I would like to see more of this story.
All in all, nice job. Have fun and keep up the good work!
nana_banana_xx3Author's Response: Thanks I hope you get better! :) I am trying to make it longer but i;m afraid of making it bad :P thanks again! Report Review
This could be so much more if it was longer! It seems unfinished. That's all I really can say.
It's beautifully written.Author's Response: Thanks!!! :) i've been tring to make it longer but i'm afraid it will make it bad. thx again!!! Report Review
This has an odd, choppy style.. Not that I don't like it, it's just different. I can't really decide how I feel about it, actually. xD
It's haunting, a bit insane, and the twist at the end was a right surprise to me!
I don't see Hermione thinking I thought they could do it on their own though. It seems like a cop-out reason for her being responsible for the suffering of the world. I'd try finding a more plausible reason!
But all in all, I think I like this ^^Author's Response: Thanks for the help! :) Report Review
This was really good. I absolutely loved it. You are really good at writing Gothic stories. 10/10 for you... you really deserved it.Author's Response: Thanks! :) *does happy dance* I got a 10/10 :) Report Review
Hi, this is Hermione G from the forums.
I will not rip apart your story because I like it. The mysteriousness in it interests me. The descriptions are amazing. This story really makes you wonder. This story wants me to read more. I like your decision to not name it and the summary makes me want to know what the story is.Author's Response: Thank you! :) Report Review
One "unofficial" review as promised ;)
After reading this twice I'm still torn between likeing this and rolling my eyes. There is something almost hauntingly engaging about this story. It is short yet powerful and yet ...there is something that feels off. As mentioned, it could be that it just isn't my sort of story.
Overall I'm giving you a 7 out of 10 and have decided that you do have a gift with words and imagery.Author's Response: Thanks! A 7/10 is great! I didn't picture getting over a 4 or 5/10 :) I'm glad you were honest with you review and(not saying its bad to always get 10/10 all the time. I love them) didn't just say 'oh I loved it!' as I end up writing so much. anyway thanks! :) Report Review
Awesome!! Very Deep Man!!Author's Response: Why, Thanks Ryan! :) lol Report Review
Hi! It's Hermionesclass101 (forum name Hermione101) from the review thread!
Holy, wow. Short, but wonderfully written. I would love to know what happened, so if you post a follow up to this, will you please PM me the link? The story is really really goo. The description is beautiful, andI nearly cried. Beautiful. Really, really good! 10/10
~HermionesclassAuthor's Response: Thank you! I am so excited. I don't think I've ever had this many reviewson a story, let alone one that are actually giving praise! I don't think I will do a follow-up, but I will def. PM you if I end up doing one. You nearly cried!? NOt that its good that you almost cried or anything, but that exactly what I was going for! :) I got a beautiful!? I am so content right now. :) I don't think I have ever got this much praise. THANK YOU Hermionesclass and EVERYONE! Report Review
talk about dark and depressing! interesting take on hermione's character, but i don't see her ignoring their owls. oh well, i like it anyways. no, it does not need picking apart!
9/10Author's Response: Thanks! I was trying to make it seem as if she was depressed and on the verge of going crazy. I thought about the owl thing too, but I thought 'what the heck. this isn't going to win any awards or anything. I should just leave it'. :) Thank you again! Report Review
You are so right that a title and summary would have ruined it.
It's a great idea, and the way you write is AMAZING!
Keep writing!Author's Response: Thank you! Your my 1st reviewer on this story. YAY! :) I love reviews and thanks for the encouragment! Report Review
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