Reading Reviews for Nephews
  
17 Reviews Found

Review #1, by crazy4fred2 He's not like his father

24th March 2008:
Unique story! But there are a couple of trouble spots:

What is Deanne's past?

Is she Harry's sister, and how?

There are a lot of grammer and spelling mistkes throughout the story, but that can easily be fixed by a beta.

The story needs much more detail. It's hard to understand sometimes.

In chapter two you switched from third-person to first-person perspective.

Quiddittch has two ds.

(This is me being a science geek) There is no possibility of a hurricane and tornados forming from the same storm. Hurricanes gather heat and energy through contact with warm ocean waters. The Coriolis Force is needed to create the spin in the hurricane and it becomes too weak near the equator, so hurricanes can never form there. Tornados need warm, moist air from the Gulf of Mexico and cool, dry air from Canada. When these two air masses meet, they create instability in the atmosphere.

A teacher wouldn't hex a student.

That's it! Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Thanks! I'm a science geek too, but that's the point: that just doesn't happen. THis teacher would hex a student, because in my oppinion the slytherins got away with too much, and Deanna knows that, so she doesn't turn a blind eye. Toodles!

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Review #2, by nana_banana_xx3 Major Crisis

2nd February 2008:
So that wasn't just an ordinary hurricane, then... Well, that makes much more sense! This chapter was fine, although, you still need to keep your descriptions in mind.

This is interesting so far, and I like that you have an actual plot. You can definitely improve your writing by way of description [yes, I will keep mentioning it. ;)], but on the whole, you've got an interesting story going.

xoxo

Author's Response: Thanks so much. I will work on my descriptions as much as I can.

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Review #3, by nana_banana_xx3 "Let us put it in the Lord's hand and go"

2nd February 2008:
One thing that I've noticed you do occassionally with your dialogue is mess up with your quote marks.

"Deanna! screamed Harry. "We need to contact Bill and Fleur for help!" There ought to be another quotation mark after Deanna. Just watch out for those things.

Other than that, I thought this was a little strange. I don't think I've ever seen a hurricane take place in an HPFF, but as you're the author, I'm sure you've got a lovely plan for this story. :] I liked the detail you threw in about Al's knees. It gave him more of a human quality, which I liked a lot.

Still keep your descriptions in mind when you write. I would have liked to see some more of that, in this chapter especially.

xoxo

Author's Response: Yea, I hate quotation marks. And the knee thing really does hurt. I have it, but it was the first thing I could think of to slow them down.

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Review #4, by nana_banana_xx3 What the...

2nd February 2008:
Hey again. :] I've come back to -hopefully- review the rest of your chapters!

Your strong point is definitely dialogue. In that department, I think you're set. However, you've managed to write an entire chapter [several chapters from the looks of it] using all but no description. I have no idea what this place looks like to you, the author, and I would really love a bit more description of the scenery scattered into your writing.

That's really the only thing I can give you in way of CC, because, on the whole, I'm pretty interested to know 'who' she is. Just keep descriptions in mind when you write.

xoxo

Author's Response: Thank you so much. I will edit while I wait for the fifth chapter to validate

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Review #5, by Oliver is mine Home at last

28th January 2008:
This is a pretty good start. This story would be all the more better with more detail. Detail, detail, detail. We hear a lot of thoughts and dialouge in this chapter. You have a pretty good sense of humor. BTW- cool banner. Keep writing!

Claire

Author's Response: Thanks. I have realized I need more detail, everyone keeps telling me that. As for the banner I can take no credit, I didn't make, Horizonblvd did.

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Review #6, by nana_banana_xx3 Home at last

27th January 2008:
Hey there, Echo. :] Thanks so much for requesting reviews in my thread!

I think that you definitely have the makings of an excellent story on your hands. You seem to have a fair sense of humor, and your dialogue in this first bit flows rather well.

However, I think you have a bit of an issue with length. The chapter kind of begins in a funny place. Throughout the chapter, you focus more on thoughts than on setting, and I wasn't able to put myself into the prologue like I would have liked to. I would suggest not only saying "Well, this is it." at the beginning, but rather, I would encourage you to describe the place so that your readers get a visual image.

On to the next chapter... :]

Author's Response: thanks. I will try to remember that. Maybe that is why my chapters are so short! anyway, thanks for the review!!

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Review #7, by kara101 Major Crisis

25th January 2008:
Interesting chapter! I can not wait to see your new story. By the way, someone is making you a banner. They said yesterday.

Author's Response: Thanks Kara. I will be sure to check the forums today.


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Review #8, by hi Home at last

7th January 2008:
Sick story. Loved it. Totally cool.Get chapter 4 up NOW.

Author's Response: Thanks. I'm working on the fourth chapter right now.


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Review #9, by Ginnyy Home at last

16th December 2007:
I would be interested and beta-ing this story. Beta-ing meaning proofread. I only do spelling, grammar, and flow. I never touch the idea of the story, that reamians up to you. Go on the forums and start a beta topic and I will easiliy message you with the chapter edited. It only take me a few hours for this story.

Author's Response: Thanks. Grammar is not my strong suit. I hope you liked it.

- Echo95


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Review #10, by Ginnyluver "Let us put it in the Lord's hand and go"

10th December 2007:
Just a question, do you have that knee thing? And if so is that why you made Al have it, to be like you? Otherwise it was okay, a little boring.

Author's Response: Yes, I do have it, but that's not why I put it there. It was just the first desease I could think of.

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Review #11, by Confused "Let us put it in the Lord's hand and go"

10th December 2007:
How the hell does this chapter have to do with the previous chapters?

Author's Response: The entire point was that it didn't. Someone's out to get her and you don't know who. Hint: When else did a hurricane come in a story?

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Review #12, by GrammarPolice "Let us put it in the Lord's hand and go"

10th December 2007:
Back again,

Much, much better this chapter. You are improving very much!

1. Okay sived atraight, I believe you meant dived straight.

2."Who is Echo Aunt D?" should be Who is Echo, Aunt D?

3.Then "Deanna! screamed Harry. "We need to contact Bill and Fleur for help!"

That should be Deanna! screamed Harry. We need to contact Bill and Fleur for help!"

4.Then i should be I

5. "We can come back when it's over ot ge twahevers un damaged.

I believe that should be "We can come back when it's over to get whatevers not damaged." Or undamaged whatever you prefer.

I might of made missed something because I am human.

Author's Response: Thanks again, I know it is much better, and I'm still human too, so I make mistakes. Thanks again.


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Review #13, by GrammarPolice What the...

4th December 2007:
I am back and ready to find the grammatical errors in this chapter. Again they are in the order I find them. Also the indents are too far in.

Deanna says a whole bunch of stuff which only needs one quotation mark before there and then one more after laugh, all others are not needed.There needs to be a quotation mark after 100 points because the rest is what he is thinking not saying. Wether is spelled whether if you mean like whether or not. Handl needs an e at the end and then soedn't I believe was meant to be doesn't.

Hoogwarts is suppose to be Hogwarts.Needs to be a space between Quidditich and supply and Quidditich has 2 d's , like I spelled it. Malkins needs to have a capital letter. My should not be capitalized and then Quidditich is spelled wrong. Again capitalize Malkins and mine because it is the first word in the parentheses. Wheere is spelled where but in the way you used it then it should be were.Again Quidditich is spelled wrong and then there need to be a comma after yes and then but should not have a capital letter.Haome is I assume home. Then the I in Ginny should not be capital letter. Hermione is a proper noun so it needs a capital letter. Then sur needs an e at the end.

No is perfect so I could have missed something and I am not trying to pick on you or anything because I higly respect you for writing a fan fiction which by the way I liked. Hope I helped, keep on writing and please update! Not because I want to grammify it but because it is one of my fav stories!

Author's Response: Hey Grammar Police!! Thanks for the help with the grammar, I read it after I posted it and found a lot of typos. I'm glad you liked it. My next chapter is on the way.

-Echo95


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Review #14, by GrammarPolice Home at last

4th December 2007:
I am the grammar police. I am doing the best I can to show you all the things I find grammaticially that need to be fixed, but I can not promise that I will find them all since I am human. I liked this story and all the errors I find I put them in the order I found them in.

First paragraph, second line, they should not be capitailzed. "I can out run them in about 5 seconds but for two kids they're pretty decent." There should be a comma before but.

Press enter twice after writing a paragraph. And the indents are too far in throughout the whole story or they are not indented. There should be a comma after Aw and there needs to be a period which seems to have been carried to the next line, probaly meaning you pressed enter right before the period. Again comma after yes. Again make sure you capitialize the first letter in the word after a period.

Then " Hey Al isn't Aunt d a buzzkill sometimes?" should be Hey Al, isn't Aunt D a buzzkill sometimes?Between get and extentable ears has two spaces instead of 1. At the very end som needs an e at the end.

Off to do chapter 2 and hoped it helped. Did not mean to be rude because I really liked this story.

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Review #15, by kara101 What the...

4th December 2007:
Okay you asked me for some ideas, so first explain how things turn for the worst and then perhaps show a day at hogwarts from Echoe's Point of View and then Albus, Rose, or James's point of view. Echoe's day as a teacher about maybe some of the bad student she notices, *coughs Scorpius Malfoy*, and the better students. Then about her day and then the same for Rose, Albus, or James except maybe their thoughts on the teachers and ect. Hope I helped.

Author's Response: Thanks. That was helpful. I think I'll do that in the fourth chapter because I got an idea from a creepy dream I had about stuff I'll tell u tommorow. Bye


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Review #16, by kara101 Home at last

29th November 2007:
Hey sarah,

Cool story, can't wait to read more. See you tommorow. 10!

Author's Response: Hey Kara,
thanks. Been a stressful week, haven't had time to write.
See Ya Later,
Sarah


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Review #17, by allison10235 Home at last

27th November 2007:
You have a lot of spelling and grammar issues, and in some places some things don't make sense. You could also add more details in a lot of places. But, I think this has the potential to be pretty good, with a bit more work. Nice so far.

Author's Response: Thanks for that reveiw. The other person said it was the worst thing they ever read and ruined my day. I'll make sure to revise better, and thanks for making my day.

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