Very poignant, vivid writing, and as always, utterly emotional. You really write yourself, your soul, your feelings into your stories, don't you?
Who was the DE who killed Colin? It should have been one of those captured in the Department of Mysteries; Malfoy, Yaxley or Dolohov would be my educated guess as Bella fled the Ministry via the Floo. "the foul face" might point to Dolohov though.
Your last sentence made my cry. Amazing.
10/10Author's Response: I certainly try *blush* And I'm not sure who it was who killed him, but I believe that I had Dolohov in mind as I wrote this . Again, thank you so much! Your reviews mean a lot to me and encourage me to keep on writing (: Report Review
It's purely amazing how you're capable of displaying emotions with a few single words. Here I am, a forty-year old man, on the verge of tears. Need I say more?
Fantastic, the change of POV and tenses. Present tense is challenging to write but you managed it just bloody well.
I love your style and nothing will change that. Full stop.Author's Response: Aw, you are too kind! I'm so glad you dropped by to read this story - it's short and all, but it means a lot to me. My own way of coping with poor Colin's death. Thank you, Zoltan! Report Review
Rest in peace Colin... I always thought it was sad that he died, but this story makes up for it a bit. Thank you for writing this, it's beautiful.
10/10.Author's Response: Aw, thank you! Report Review
Truly heartbreaking and yet so inspirational. I wish I could convey such emotion is so few words, you are fantastic. I cried again, obviously, but we expected that, right? I really liked you switch from second person to third person, it seems much more detached and so really emphasises that Dennis really is alone. I suppose that feeling is magnified by the fact he's from am uggle family, isn't it? :( this line: Deep down, despite the sorrow, he is proud of his son’s achievements. And Dennis wonders if he will be proud of him too. was my favourite. It seems like such a natural feelin and yet such a taboo. Horrible writing, in the most complimentary way possible. 10.Author's Response: Sorry for making you cry *blushes* I'm glad you liked the switch of POVs. There are times when readers found that a bit confusing... Personally, I love switching POVs and to explore the different ways and perspectives to write in. And yes, he is indeed from a Muggle family. Hearing this praise makes my heart swell *blushes again!*. This piece is in several ways personal and I love it that it's appreciated on the whole. But thank you, Andy. Report Review
You really have a gift for short stories. Brilliant.I've been working through a Dennis/Colin exploration story of the sorts to try and make sense of my feelings for what happened, but after reading this I don't think I'll need to. Really, you got me welling up in so few words again! Just brilliant. Now I must go, I'm aching to read on! xAuthor's Response: Thank you ^_^ And don't let this disencourage you or whatever it does =p! I think you really ought to write this exploration you've had in mind. I bet it'll be brilliant =) Report Review
Again, a nice chapter. I think you present Dennis' emotions pretty well, and you convey how he is coming to grips with a terribly difficult loss. I'd suggest that maybe the Creevy parents might not fully understand what had occured, given that they're muggles, so they might feel some sort of anger towards other wizards, or harry, or something like that. Again, I think you ought to expand this chapter, describe the surroundings a little more, tell us where they are, who is there (is it a big crowd or a small one), that sort of thing. Overall, good work!Author's Response: Again, the fact that I could expand this... And again, it was never my intention to do it, to be honest. I usually find that setting the scene is very important, and that's why this piece is different from what I usually write. It's not filled with descriptions of their surroundings, but more emotions, which is what I wanted with these chapters. If I succeeded, well, that's another story. I do agree about his parents though; I should work some more with their characters... I'll think about it, but thanks for mentioning it. But I'm glad you liked Dennis' characterization. It felt good to write this fic; just had to give Colin a proper goodbye *is sad*... Thank you for your excellent reviews! Report Review
This is a very nice opening. I have to say that the narration is an interesting way of writing this piece, given that you're telling me. Its not from Colin's perspective, yet you're inside his head. Its like I'm Colin. Its a very different way of doing it, but you do seem to make it work. My only criticism is that you probably could expand this chapter a little bit. The subject matter is a little dark, but you write is well, and I think your readers would like some more details. Otherwise, nice work!Author's Response: I know I could expand this and that there's much to describe into vivid images, but I felt that it was unnecessary, seeing as the point with this is to show his last moment and last thoughts. To me, it felt right to stop. I'm glad you liked the narrating; I love second person, and it's always lovely when people think it works. But thank you very much for your review! Report Review
Oh, this story is beautifully written. I loved reading from Colin's and Dennis Creevey's point of view. Something different than general stories on HPFF. Keep up the good job, Romina *huggles*Author's Response: Aww, thanks! The Creevy brothers aren't written about all that often, and I like exploring minor characters. Thanks for reviewing *hugs* Report Review
If I remember correctly, this is the second story I read about the war from Colin's point of view and I think I like this more. I don't read second person but you pulled it off really well and I felt chills go down my spine while reading this. Good job. *hurries off to read the next chapter*Author's Response: Wow, thank you very much! I loved writing this - it was a very sudden plot-bunny, but had to get it all down on 'paper'. Glad you liked this chapter =) Report Review
This point of view is also great. I like the way you did this short story... A LOT.Author's Response: Thank you, as always! =) Love your comments. Report Review
Wow! This is really well-done second person point of view. I think the POV really makes this poignant and more meaningful. It makes me really feel sad that Colin died, whereas before it didn't hit me very hard. This is a very touching, creative idea.Author's Response: Thanks Jessi! Glad to hear that you found the POV good - I personally love second person. I know the feeling; with this, it's all more real in a way. My own way to deal with the deaths in the second war. =p Report Review
Again, very good.
It was kind of weird to read that Colin had died in the final battle, I kinda figured JKR would pay a tribute to all of the minor characters, but not as saying they died.
10/10.Author's Response: Yes, I'd hope she'd do that too. Like in the epilogue, or something. I really felt I needed to delve deeper into Colins' final moments and then his brother's feelings. I'm very glad you liked this and thanks. Report Review
Very sad, but very good.
My favorite kind of fanfic. :)
10/10.Author's Response: Thanks, as always, for your reviews! Report Review
Aw this is really sad! Poor Dennis, who looked up to his brother so much, but at least Colin died a hero on the battlefield. It's very interesting to see that you are switching to a different perspective (third-person present tense) in this chapter, and it's very effective. Once again, you wrote it excellently and I'm really impressed to see the skill you have with writing in different tenses and points of view. You make it seem effortless. I like that Harry came to comfort Dennis, I think that is something he would do. This is another great chapter, again on the short side and I'm still curious as to what kind of story this will turn out to be. Nice! :)Author's Response: I felt I needed to challenge myself and changing the perspective and tense was just what I needed (I struggle with present tense!) Heh, thanks *blush. I wish it was though =p As for Harry comforting Dennis... I agree, it'd be something he'd do. Unfortunately, I won't continue with this... I just wanted to show Colin's final moments and then Dennis many emotions... But thank you for both your reviews - you made my day and I was temporarily speechless! Report Review
Holy cow. This was a powerful and very moving chapter, and I absolutely love the imagery of that last sentence, especially the phrase "a hero beneath the stars." You did very well with the second-person perspective, which is a really, really, REALLY tough perspective to write and yet you did it easily - excellent job. I really felt like I was Colin, running into the hall and seeing all the action, and then participating. It was a little short, but hey, so is life. I'm really curious to see what kind of story you make this, because already the protagonist (or so I thought) is dead. Moving on to the next chapter!Author's Response: Wow, thank you. I'm relieved to hear that it felt as if you were Colin; really means I captured the reader, and that's very important in my opinion. The second person perspective is something I've just begun trying and I love it. Always nice to hear the readers comments if I managed it, so thanks. And yes, it is short, but I felt it was enough... Didn't feel like drag on and on and on. In certain circumstances shorter chapters are much more effective and memorable. But that usually depends =) Report Review
Hmm…I wasn’t entirely convinced by this chapter. I thought it was slightly confused. But anyway, grammar first:
1) “That he is sure of” – The more conventional way of writing this would be ‘he is sure of that’
2) “His father sits beside him, breathing is laboured” – I think that should be written ‘his father sits beside him, his breathing laboured’
3) “And he wonders if he will be proud of him too.” – I’m not sure who you’re talking about here, as you’ve been talking about Dennis’ father the sentence before, so that confuses matters. I would rewrite it to make it more understandable.
4) “That he died for that cause that has come true makes Dennis’s heart smile.” – I would get rid of the ‘that has come true’ because it just confuses the sentence a bit :)
I think the thing which made this chapter less convincing than the last one was the way you changed the tense. Writing in present tense is difficult, and whereas it worked in some respects there were other points where it didn’t really work at all. For example, this bit:
“No one is talking now. The coffin is being sunk into the dug grave. He’s lying there, peacefully, seemingly sleeping. And dreaming? Yes, probably dreaming. Will death be a relief when it comes?”
I thought this worked really well, and was definitely a good example of writing in the present tense. Then this bit:
“Dennis Creevy is watching his brother’s coffin being sunk into the dug grave. And he can’t even cry.”
I thought this didn’t work so well. I guess it was the way you stated what he was doing. Everything else in has been shown, not told, and it sort of sticks out.
Overall, I thought the storyline was very good. I liked the change in perspective and your writing is wonderful. I especially liked the fact you took minor characters and told their story, because it’s nice to read an author’s interpretation of these characters. Please don’t let the CC put you off, I really did enjoy this story, I just think the second part needs a little bit more work.
I really hope this review has helped, and if you want to request any more stories on my review page, feel free because I really do enjoy reading your writing! :)
Author's Response: I fixed the grammar-errors! Thank you for pointing them out. I agree with you when it comes to present tense being difficult; it's something I avoid but I did want to challenge myself a bit with this chapter. The idea of this story-line was very sudden - it came as I saw Colin Creevy being introduced in the Chamber of Secrets film. I thought that he would die and I just had to write something about that. Perhaps in the future I will delve some more in his character; in fact, I really like minor characters. No, the CC doesn't put me off, just keeps me going. I want to improve after all! =) And you know, I just might do that - your reviews have been really helpful. Thank you once again for the reviews! Report Review
Heya! I’m here to review as you requested! ^_^
I found one grammar thing:
“who were alive.” – I think it should be ‘was alive’. The way you’ve written it isn’t flagging up as a grammar error on Word, though, so you don’t really have to change it, but it sounds better the other way :)
There was one spelling error too. You wrote “dueling” and I think it should be ‘duelling’ but again it’s not really that much of an error so I wouldn’t worry too much about it :)
I liked the idea of writing a ‘Part One’ and a ‘Part Two’. I assume that Part Two will be written about Dennis Creevey although of course I haven’t read it yet, so I could be very wrong. Also, writing in second person was a nice change, and you write it very well. It definitely makes the story more personal for the reader, and I felt a lot more involved in the storyline.
I thought it could be lengthened a bit, mainly because lengthening it could create the opportunity to expand the narrative and develop Colin’s character a bit more. As Colin is quite an underdeveloped character in the HP books, it would have been nice to read a bit more about him. Having said that, there were little touches that I really enjoyed reading, that did give a brief insight into his character. Things like this:
“But you couldn’t go home; you had to fight. For Harry.”
I particularly liked this bit because it was so sad to think that Colin’s obsession with Harry, and his need to prove himself to him, caused his death. I liked it because it was showing all of this, rather than telling the reader outright. Writing is much better when it uses that technique ^_^
That’s all I can think of to say about Part One, so I hope this review helped! I’ll move on to Part Two straight away :)
Katherine (DearMyLove on the forums)
Author's Response: Hi there Katherine! First of all: thank you very much for both lenghty and indepth reviews - they have been very helpful! I just fixed the grammar-error - after have been repeating the sentence aloud a couple of times, I did realize that 'was alive' did sound better. And no, you were correct. As for 2:nd person; I always appreciate comments on how I write that POV, seeing as it sometimes can be written badly. I'm happy to hear that you think I write it well. I love second person a lot actually. True, I could have developed the chapter, but I really wanted it to be short - didn't want to delve actually... Meh, it's something I like with keeping some chapters short and I don't know why that is. Overall, thanks again for this! Report Review
aw, so sad. that was an interesting take on colin's death and final moments. i liked it a lot.
10/10Author's Response: Thank you SBSL! Report Review
*sniff, sniff* so so sad. no errors, i like it tons!
that was one of the best second person stories i've ever seen! you seem to be an amazing writer.
10/10Author's Response: Wow, thanks for the kind words. Report Review
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