who is THAT?
BCJR... hmmmAuthor's Response: I wonder who? lol :D Report Review
NO!! but but but but he's EVIL!
bad lily! fraternising with the enemy! tsk, tskAuthor's Response: I know right. I'm glad you like it! Report Review
what time does she go to? i ant remember the story summery and what it said =/
great chap =DAuthor's Response: I guess you know now, that you've read farther :D Report Review
this is a really good story... =]Author's Response: Thank you. Report Review
I Love the story and I'm really exited about what will happen next so plz write on... *big brown puppyeyes*
grtz and good luckAuthor's Response: I will. :D Soon. I hope. Right now I am recovering from a tonsilectomy. And I am currently writting a Heroes fanfiction and working on a book about timetravel. Yeah I love sci-fi lol! :D Thanks for the review :D Report Review
i wonder who asked for lily ... gosh pleaseee update soon
10/10Author's Response: thanks for reading and reviewing! Yeah it gets really good! Report Review
Great story so far cant wait for the rest ;]Author's Response: There will be one more chapter. The size will double this one though! Thanks for liking my story! Report Review
Hey, this is Blaire, and you requested a review from me. I hate myself because it has taken me SO TERRIBLY LONG to fill your request. Things have been hectic this school year and I'm trying to keep up with things here at HPFF, but it's crazy! Anyway, here I am.
First of all I'll say that I like this so far. It's interesting and makes me want to keep reading. There are a few things I'd consider examining, though.
1.) The amount of detail, especially as opposed to the amount of dialogue. Now, I notice that you do at least add things around the dialogue, which is good; some people just write the actual dialogue with nothing setting it or making it more easy to picture. But I'd suggest a bit more detailed descriptions; for example, the speaker's expressions and the listener's reactions. Things like that. Also, just general detail, dialogue aside. It doesn't need to be long-winded, and shouldn't, really, but a bit more description will really add to the quality of the story.
2) Hermione seems a bit lenient about the telling of the secret of her time-turner. I don't know exactly where you're going with her character in this, but it struck me as if she was a little too loose-lipped. I mean, she just outright gave Lily the way to find the time-turner, and it seemed as if she didn't consider all of the healthy ears surrounding them, especially at the lunch table. I would think she might wait to tell her, maybe until they had a couple of minutes alone. Or, if you want to keep it so that they talk at the dinner table, you might at least want to add some explanation as to why no one hears their conversation (e.g. Some loud joke-telling by Ron, maybe?). Just a note, you can do whatever you want.
Otherwise, I like where this is going, and it has a lot of potential. I'll keep reading when I've got time, although they'll probably be shorter unless I find something else that needs addressing. But I like it. Good job with this, keep it going, definitely! XD
BlaireAuthor's Response: Thanks for the critque! I'll write some loud Ron jokes! Report Review
oh my good ness its so barty i cant wait for the new chapieAuthor's Response: thanks Report Review
ahhh this is so good! i must know more!
what happend to Lilly? and i feel so sorry for Barty :(
please write more!
10/10Author's Response: thanks Report Review
oh snap what happened i want to know lolAuthor's Response: thanks
ARGG! I hate cliffies! I swear, all the authors of my fav stories must hate me, 'cause I always find cliffies! ARGG! But I love it! I thought Dumbledore was a bit mean, however... Sirius was being a bit of a jerk, too. Ahh... I thought James was being a bit sweet during the chapter! I love this story, can't wait for the next! :) *Jumps up and down excitedly for the next chapter*Author's Response: thanks Report Review
Okay.. I have a couple of things, but otherwise it's just the same as the other..
Your going to quick now.. Slow down again.. Hehe.. And love doesn't come that quickly.. And especielly not in that age.. You can't simply say to a person that you love them with all your heart after knowing them in such a short time.. Love needs time and needs to be build up slowly..
Otherwise it's a great story with a good plot, though seen before.
oh and I think that Lily shouldn't tell people about their furture.. It's not right and Barty should also not know.. It's very dangerous.. Now Poppy knows about Lily, James and Sirius, but she shouldn't.. It's not right for a person to know the furture and it's changing the past dramataticly..
Well that was it for now.. Keep it up and just tell me again when you update!! :D:D
PingoAuthor's Response: Thanks Report Review
WHOA! They just witnessed the Marauders hanging out by the Whomping Willow! That's pretty crazy. :) This is a really original story so far, I don't think I've ever read a story where Lily II goes back in time and falls for Barty Crouch! Their relationship was very sweet, I think they're wonderful together. I love that little hint at the end, that Peter Pettigrew heard everything that went on between them. ;) So they're not destined to be happy after all, are they? After all, the title says "tribulations" in it so I guess not. ;) Was this sentence supposed to be Lily thinking to herself?
“Oh, Lily why are you doing this? He warned you against changing the past and surely loving Barty changes the past.”
I think if it was just her thoughts, it should just be italicized and not in quotations, cause I thought someone was talking and got confused.
Nice chapter and interesting story! :)Author's Response: More or less she was talking to her self. I guess I sortof but my own manerisms into her. That is what I do. I know aren't the Marauders AH-Mazing! :) Yeah ah the name of Tribulations :) :D The next chap. will come soon, with many revalations! Report Review
Write more! its excellent and i wanna know what happensAuthor's Response: I certaintly will! :) Report Review
UPDATE MORE! I love this!Author's Response: Thank you very much. I will soon, promise. Report Review
Omg. I had written this long review for you, and then the internet cracked. Gr.
Well, I really like your language and your flow. You are taking your time better in this chapter than before, truly wonderful! But I still think that it it to early for Lily to love Barty at this stage, you are only at chapter four.
I like how Lily keeps adding that they are all dead, because it gives a certain air of knowing, which she should have. It must be terrible to see all these people, without being able to talk to them, and know what kin of fates they have.
I liked the ending seen. It seemed a bit rushed, but how it all got together with the fact that it was the Marauders was great. I just wonder what happens now? *dramatical music*
Keep on working! :D
PadfootyAuthor's Response: Thanks so much, I know a wee bit rushed but I'm trying to slow it down. I have an idea for the next chapter to show why Lily has suddenly, almost, fallen for Barty. I know aren't the Marauders great!? Report Review
I like the idea that she wants to stay in the past for him and that they encounter the Marauders and that Peter overhears what she said. That really throws a twist in there. Just one thing I noticed is that this seems really rushed. I didn't get to see them realistically getting to know each other very well for them to actually fall in love as much as they did. I'd like to see what happens to really, really draw them together to make her want to consider staying. Otherwise, some verrry good ideas!Author's Response: Thanks, I have an idea. *shiffty eyes* Report Review
WOAH! This was my favorite chapter by far. Things are moving a little fast, but I like it better that way ^_^
Awesome job! I can't wait for more!
Luna//Author's Response: Thank you so much hat girl! I think I love this chapter so far too! Report Review
i love this chapter so like james to save people if only he knew that she was his granddaughter i love this story keep up the good workAuthor's Response: Thanks so much! :) Report Review
Ever sneeky is Peter. Great chpter, I love, "Lily, you never told me your grandfather was a deer." I hope she meets Lily and the Marauders, I think it will be interesting.Author's Response: It might be a week+ before the next chapter. Thanks again! Report Review
Wow! Good chapter! This must have been really emotional for Lily... poor girl... I really love this chapter, though - 10/10!Author's Response: Thanks so much! Report Review
this was a good chapter. I can't wait to see what James does with this new news. Keep up the good work and update soon.Author's Response: Trust me it gets good! Report Review
It was good, but I'm going to have to say something on the grammar. I'm a bit critical about grammar sometimes, so excuse the lecture. XD
Hermione took a sip of Butter Beer, “Lily.” She warned.
It should be butterbeer, although I'm not too concerned about that. I just think a better way of writing the sentence would be:
Hermione took a sip of butterbeer. "Lily," she warned.
Other than a few spots like that, this seems interesting. I like Time Turners, they're handy little things, and for Lily to receive Hermione's could be logical.
Sorry for my pathetically short review for the other story, I didn't know what to say!Author's Response: Hey, thats okay! I will think about changing the sentence for sure! Thanks again! :) Report Review
So now she's met Barty. I'm interested to see what develops. You're one of the only writers I've seen write about him. What intrigues you about him? Some part of his personality? Just curious! :-) You're doing a good job. I'm impressed that you are only a 9th grader and writing so well. (I sound like an old geezer.) Anyway, keep writing ... You've got some great potential!Author's Response: Thanks so much! Yep I'm a ninth grader :) I guess I write Barty because the actor who played him is one of my faves, and when I read the book he's character seemed to be one that had so much potential and so much that could be said. He's such a myseterious character that I find needs to be explored. Report Review
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