I loved this story it had me captured instantly. All of the characters were interpretated fantastically. I guessing Bella was being summoned by Voldemort in the last few paragraphs, in which case she should have grasped her left arm not her right.
10/10 Report Review
Hi! Thanks for inviting me back!!
Well, I do not see any grammatical errors here. As I read, I was impressed with the flow of the story and the pacing of events, with just enough hints of past and future events to keep people guessing. I think that this is a particularly good chapter!
My only real criticism/comment here is that as I was reading, I got the feeling that you were intentionally being verbose. This isn't always a bad thing, but you were using a lot of fancy language to describe certain things (the champaigne, for instance) which tended to slow down the reader. I mean, it isn't like it isn't understandable, but I just felt like it changed the speed and sometimes it is better to be simple in some circumstances. However, I can't say ANYTHING, because my own writing ends up sounding like a legal document in a lot of places, so by all means, ignore this last little bit of the review :)!
Great chapter!!Author's Response: Thanks for the advice-- I'm not a big on details, but once I start, I can get a bit carried away, so thanks for pointing that out. :) Thank you reviewing! Report Review
I liked this chapter. =] I think that you have Lucius covered, but I think Bellatrix would act a bit different toward her sister. Maybe a little more caring? Granted, the relationship between Bellatrix and her mother can be strong but in the sixth book Bellatrix really seemed to care about her sister.
=] But I thought she behaved wonderfully as an older sister. That's exactly what I imagined she would act like (in terms of being close with her mother)
10/10Author's Response: Thanks for the advice on Bellatrix-- I never quite know how to portray her. Thank you for your encouraging reviews!! Report Review
I really liked this chapter! I think it fits Narcissa perfectly to go for revenge, especially if it involves her sister. And you hooked me in by adding Lucius in at the end.
I'll be sure to add this story to my favorites!Author's Response: Thank you for your lovely review and favorite-ism! ^_^ Report Review
Hi! This is WittleAna from the forums.
First of all, I think this has the works of a great story. Your strongest point is probably the dialogue you use. Your characters seem very real. I think you did just fine on Narcissa's characterization, just be sure you keep things that way. =]
No errors in the story so far. =]Author's Response: Thank you! I love writing dialog; I'm glad you like it. Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
It appears that I missed the mark when I called Lucius correctly portrayed. You reduced him to an insipid type of a power-seeker who uses empty and cold words to coerce people to do what he wants. But someone who does this would not bring in the Dark Lord so obviously or so soon—he would use innuendo and make her slowly fear the idea that he might have whisper to Rodolphus or let something slip. Only a crass manipulator actually says a thing outright and Lucius is a gentleman…of sorts. By removing the idea that he is in the right(he glibly refuses to speak of what he does)he becomes inhuman. By removing the idea that he is pleasant, you destroyed what makes him him. Mere utilitarianism(no matter how passionate or bright) as a character is about the worst that can be done because there is nowhere that the character can develop. He thinks he is perfect, with his life in the order of gold silver and bronze when he is in the order of bronze silver and gold. (sorry, Platonic allusion.. I got carried away)
From accepting whatever comes to her with a grace that would befit a nun in training, to a revenge that uses the full range of training of a harem girl and an actress, to now a long and boring piece of whining that even a ten year old would be embarrassed about. One of the marks of a good character is consistency, which you seem unable to attain. Rather, you make your characters one thing at one part of the chapter, another thing at another part of the chapter—and then contradict both with more things that cannot be meshed with any of the ideas presented. I do not see how demure and vengeful can be reconciled anymore than I can see strong manipulative and weak manipulative—but when the four are made into one character, the possible keys that could reconcile two or three of the traits are made impossible. This Narcissa is simply a contradiction of her own nature and cannot exist. I recommend a ritual that causes her to cease having existed. I really am sorry, but there is not much else that can be done without re-writing the story.
When Harry saw Bellatrix, he saw a faded beauty(or words to that effect) he did not see a deformed and ugly woman. It would be far better for her to slowly slip into the darkness parallel to Narcissa’s falling in love and as Narcissa finds her version of happiness, Bellatrix becomes hideous. (I just remembered. It was Azkaban that wholly ruined her. She was haughty and proud but had a beauty to her at the trial) I suggest that you show in flashback her breathtaking beauty and how she let it fall and yet how it remained. On another note, she is too flat. I cannot see her loving her parents as she seems to be portrayed, nor loving her sister enough to warn her—but these are not love but loyalty. Her love is to the mark on her arm and what it—by representing—is: her eternal lover who does not return her love. Hers is the more interesting love story. I suggest that you play the two stories together into a bitter harmony or a cruel meter _^_^_^_^
4/5--for promiseAuthor's Response: Thanks for taking the time to leave such an in-depth review! Report Review
I must begin with the character that is correctly portrayed, no matter if any of the others are not. He is clearly a hedonist and one who desires power enough to search for it in any way –moral or not. The question is which of the three(useful, pleasant, good) he puts first. I do not say that his idea of good is really good, but that he justifies his murders by saying they are good. I will go on the assumption that he goes between saying “we have right on our side though you have power—to go against us is oppression and evil” and “you may have right on our side, but we have power therefore you should surrender honorably and be slaves rather than die”and when noone surrenders, he kills. But I extrapolate this from his manipulation of a manipulator. It is hard to get him wrong though
You just changed her from the content pureblood princess who accepted whatever came to her from her betters into a rebel who uses the shameful inclinations of the betters against them. The way you did it, the comedy of manners, keeps it from being wholly unappealing though it is still out of character. There is a difference between assenting, choosing, being compelled, and being chosen. The first is agreeing to either the good or public opinion and the second is between two or more equal choices; the third when one has no choice in the matter and even the act of rebelling aids the thing that compels while being chosen is self evident from the name. By blurring these into one in this chapter, you have contradicted what you showed before about her being a demure and gregarious lady and made her a scheming scarlet. And after her controlling a man to the point of destroying him, she ‘needed a moment’—to relax, I’m sure. The only things less realistic than that are a woman staying where she was nearly assaulted(so Narcissa, thinking ahead, wouldn’t) are a man congratulating her, and her sudden horror of the man. More probable a reaction, were a man to speak then, would be for her to stun him as she did the other loverboy. But the man in question would more likely mention it later as a tool.
You would think that a man sends a letter about violating social conventions would know what the cloak room of perversions well enough to avoid it—especially with the woman whose ‘non-sister’ he eviscerated and whose family he took part in shaming. One cannot have such little knowledge of human nature as he and also be able to censor the free spirit when it deviates from the accepted norm.
I felt as if I was reading a genuine Victorian morality novel when I saw the name meet the innocent waif. She was so cute in her creation of Dramatic Irony, yet I found little of her character that had substance—or than could be analyzed. She could easily have been replaced with a house-elf; she was too obviously a plot device.
Another piece of cleverness: the brute becomes the knight in shining armor and so saves the day. His honorable intent is well portrayed, yet four extended pieces of dramatic irony is too much. Yes, there are four: two of them otherwise uncharacterized, the third acting out of character and the last only having two words though stealing the scene. Lucius is the only one that was well done.
This chapter will not do at all. 2/10Author's Response: I don't think it's possible to have a full view of Lucius yet-- two sentences isn't enough to fully determine his character.
I also don't think Narcissa is out of character. She isn't much developed in canon, so in my story I used that blank space to incorporate my own version of her. She acts differently depending on who she's with, a common trait. And you did say you liked characters with paradox. :) The reason Narcissa didn't stun Lucius is because she knew he wouldn't be as easy to manipulate as Lepus.
Lepus, I think, sees what he wants to see. He saw Andromeda acting in a way, as a pureblood, she shouldn't have, and allowed his ill nature and jealousy to act for him. The cloakroom is a bit of a symbol of the hypocritical ways of the upper society. They know what is happening, but it would never be censored because it suits their needs.
Oh yes, Pricilla. She may seem like a blank slate, but she does have thoughts, even if they weren't displayed in this chapter. I can see why she could easily be viewed as a useless plot device, the same with Rodolphus.
Thank you for telling me your thoughts and CC! Report Review
A few instances of grammar that I will send, but other than that, good.
Characterization(what you asked for)
Rimy the house-elf
Rimy is at the lowest level of the power structure(ugly word, that). He is has the most power, yet he cannot use it without consent of those with less power nor can he speak cleverly. The portrayal of his acceptance of his plight is well done. The only thing I think is lacking is the object of his love: the house. I know that it is difficult to portray the Black Family House attractively, but the lack of description of it at all is a weakness because the location is a character in itself. It felt like I was reading a promised love triangle with only one beloved and one lover.
Narcissa is content in excellence: she accepts her mother’s instruction whether sane or not, which is odd because of the groan that she greets her with; she is very compassionate for things that are of a lower than she is(see butterflies) and is unable to create an image of an ugly baby (even if lower) yet as I read her, when she tells Lucius, “I feel that muggles shouldn’t be killed: they may be lower, but we keep butterflies and owls as pets.” He will return, “My dear, the animals you mention naturally pets and moreover are safe and beautiful. Muggles pollute the pureblood lines and kill wizards and so for self preservation they need to be put down. Oh don’t worry your pretty head about having to do it. I would do it for your honour.” And she will not be able to answer him because of her training to be serene and to accept the honors of her ‘betters.’ Is this how he will win her?
Also, she has a human contradiction that I enjoy; a character with no paradox is unbearable. She is submissive to her mother, yet afraid of her sister. I explain this thus: she is more comfortable with a disordered vertical relationship than disordered horizontal relationship.(vertical referring to power or lack thereof and horizontal referring to equals) Second, she cares about animals yet she is unwilling to do anything about when they are harmed. The same key to this is the key to why she will go along with Lucius: fear. Altogether, she is very satisfactory.
At first, I could not decide if she was supposed to be caring or not. She cast out her daughter from her family yet did not tell her murderous daughter about the baby. The answer that I came up with is that she is a Molly Weasley who is not loved. This, because of her harsh instruction and the rest. I say she is not loved because Narcissa fears or respects her, Bellatrix respects or is cold to her, and Andromeda, who loved her, rejected her.
I wish you had made her a little more easily understood, because as written, she is a bit of a Rorschach blot.
It was a delight to read. 9/10Author's Response: Wow. Thank you for taking the time to leave such in-depth reviews!
I don't really feel that Rimy had any time to express her love and devotion for the house as she was talking with Narcissa and Druella, but I do understand what you mean.
Narcissa isn't quite as insipid as she seems, she actually does have a mind of her own. She's been brought up to accept authority, so as a child she wasn't about to stand up to her sister. She's been conditioned to obey, but she's changed since she was a child.
Druella, in my mind, actually does care, but she would never allow anyone to actually see that side her her. She's cast away her daughter but doesn't want her to be killed, as we see in her reluctance to alert her favorite daughter, Bellatrix, to Andromeda's situation.
Thank you for your review, and for sending me the grammar issues. :)
First off, sorry for the wait but I'm here now. Grammar wise, nothing that jumped out at me so overall really good. This was a very interesting chapter and I want to congratulate you on no cliches yet. Now your areas of concern were characterization. I love love love Narcissa's character it is strong and a mixture of the normal Narcissa and your own Narcissa. Druella had the expected character, of course, and same with Bellatrix. Now for the CC. Now, I would really love it if you described the surroundings more; you did a fine job with Narcissa and Druella. I was a bit surprised how you had Narcissa not like Lucius. On to the next chapter and I hope that helps.
KaraAuthor's Response: Thank you very much for your review! :) Report Review
Argh it's so good!! I love the dynamics between your characters - Lucius and Narcissa had just the right amount of verbal sparring mixed in with attraction, while Bellatrix and Narcissa were pitch-perfect with the older sister having the upper hand. I liked Lucius a lot, I think he is really in character with how we see him from the books - he sees what he's interested in (in this case, Narcissa) and moves in on it. The word "feral" was an amazing word to describe him because I think he's kind of wolfish in his manner as well. He's. predatory. Bellatrix is the same way and you've written her very well: domineering, strong, and bold. She's exactly the sort of daughter who would be a favorite in the Black family, while Narcissa is just second best and there to make a good marriage. This is really excellent, I'm enjoying this story so much and can't wait for you to update :)Author's Response: Aww, I'm glad you like it! ^_^
I love the word feral, and I too thought it fit perfectly with Lucius. I wasn't sure how Lucius came out at all (was he canon? Was he not canon?) so thanks for commenting on that.
Thank you soo much for your continued reviews and encouragement!! Report Review
I must say, I'm very glad that you asked me to review your story! I really enjoyed reading this, and I'll be keeping this as one of My Favorites. I think you have a great talent for writing. Your description, dialogue, and flow are all superb.
There were just two errors I found in this chapter. "Curiosity" was spelled incorrectly. Also, it should be "instead of reaching", not "instead of reached" for when Bella and Cissa are talking.
Great chapter, and I look forward to the rest of the story!Author's Response: And I'm glad you're reviewing it! ;) Thank you for the favorite-ism.
Thanks again for the grammar help and for your wonderful review! Report Review
Wow, another fantastic chapter! I have no complaints about this one -- simply compliments. Great suspense there in the end. Well done! I'm on to read the next one.Author's Response: Thank you!! Report Review
Hi there! It's me from the forums! I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to get to your story. I've been so busy! But better late than never, right? :)
So for the first chapter, I was immediately drawn in. I really like the fact that you have Cissa not liking Lucius at first. Everyone knows that they end up together (though I'm not sure if they will or not in this story), so readers will wonder what will happen to change things between them. I thought that you have excellent description, very vivid. I also liked your idea of the butterfly torture. It was good that you used an anecdote instead of just saying "Bella is mean."
Early on in the chapter, you have Cissa saying something to Rimy and then it says "standing in a neat brown toga." The way that part is punctuated, it sounds like Cissa is the one wearing the toga thing. I would take out the comma right before that phrase to fix that.
Great chapter! I'll go read on!Author's Response: First off I'd like to thank you for coming to review-- and all my chapters, no less! I love it when a reader tells me what they think about every chapter. :)
My story's going to be all canon, so yep, Narcissa and Lucius will (eventually) end up together.
Thank for the heads up about the toga confusion; I'll be sure to change that.
Thank you so much for reviewing! Report Review
Hello again! I saw that you had updayed so I came to see what you'd wrote!
I loved this chapter too! It seems to me to be a very well though out story and it's mysterious and dangerous which I like a lot.
The bit with Lucius at the beginning I thought was fab, nice and full of tension and I like that Narcissa can hold her own against some one like him, I think that's very cannon =]
Your charactersiation of Bella I thought was great and her need to be with Voldemort right away: spot on! Great story and great chapter! I can't wait to see what is in store for this story especially since they don't want her to go back to Hogwarts! You know that was evil dropping a bomshell like that :P
Keep up the fabness!Author's Response: Thank for reviewing! I'm thrilled that you like it so much. I'm glad you picked up on the whole dark-mark/Bella's-need-to-be-with-Voldy issue, I wasn't sure how clear I made that. ^_^ Report Review
Hi, chiQs09 from the forums here. I think that this first chapter was nice in the way you described Narcissa. Just like an angel, really beautiful. :) I like how she shows that she doesn't like Lucius, and that she would never sink so low to like him even though they share the same principles. What I didn't like, though, was the lack of description. I would've liked to see more of Narcissa's relationship with her mother, her life in her house, or maybe what kind of student she is. etc... But I think these things will be mentioned in later chapters...
Btw. how many years older is Lucius than Narcissa here? Just asking... :)
Anyway, good start.Author's Response: Hello, thanks for coming to review! This is a bit of a prologue chapter, so you're right there isn't much by the way of descriptions, those are more in the second and third chapters. I'm not sure how much older Lucius is then Narcissa; I'll have to check that one. Thank you very much for reviewing! :) Report Review
O.o!!!i fear to ask, but...why does't they want Cissy at Hogwarts?!?!?wonderful chapter!!! I loved Lulu and Cissa's 'little chat'!!! they are made for each other...they just have to understand it!and I like the way you changed your last chapter! it's even nicer! please update as soon as you can!!!can't wait to know what's happening!!!Author's Response: Thank you for your review, and I'm glad you like it! :)
Wow, this is really one of the best fanfictions I've ever read, and it's especially hard to find good stories about the Blacks and Malfoys, so thank you! Can't wait to see more, ten out of ten from me.Author's Response: Wow, one of the best? *blushes* Aww, thank you so much! I'm thrilled you liked it so much. ^_^ Report Review
This is an amazing story! It's very interesting how Narcissa feels about Lucius and I can't wait to find out what will happen with Rodolphus, Lucius and Narcissa! Everyone in your story has a personality all there own and its a very entertaining story to read :)
Great Job, more great work 10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much!! ^_^ Report Review
Great chapter! I love the way you've delevoped all the characters and you've set it all in the past. And the suspense at the end is making me really look forward to the next chapter.
By the way, how many chapters are you thinking of doing for this story?Author's Response: I have no idea how many chapter I'll do for the story...*ponders* I have no patience for story maps and such. Thank for your review! ^_^ Report Review
Very Good So Far, Please Update Soon!!!Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Ooh! Suspense! Can't wait for the next chapter - update soon, won't you?
One thing, though - isn't the waking-up-stunned-people spell 'enervate', not 'ressenate'? I might be wrong (and, besides, it's just a nitpick) but that's what I remember from GoF.
Oh, and yet another nitpick - for Lucius's hair, it's blond, not blonde. Blonde's for girls. I know I must seem really, really petty, so I hope you know I really loved the story!Author's Response: No, I like nitpicking! I don't have a Beta, so I love it when reviewers help me with my grammar and such. The next chapter is in the queue-- thanks so much for reviewing! ^_^ Report Review
i like this a lot! good luck on the next chapter.Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
You have some serious talent. I love the way that you made narcissa act, it was just purely amazing. I think that the guy got what he deserved, so it was all good. The ending makes me want to know what happenes next. This was perfect. 9/10Author's Response: Thanks again for such a wonderful review. I hope you'll keep reading! Report Review
Wow this is one of the best stories that I have read in a really long time. The description was amazing, and the way that you characterized Cissa was amazing.
You have amazing potential with this story :) 8/10Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you like it. :) Report Review
Ooh! I love it I really do! It's a great story to read and it seems very deep and it's really well written.
I loved this:Rodolphus Lestrange, bless him.
It was just so funny lol. In a good way.
I like that Narcissa is cunning, it fits in with what we saw in Deathly Hallows when she told Voldemort Harry was dead just to see Draco. It is a very good thing that she has a brain lol.
And what she did was very clever too, but I like even more that apparently Lucius saw her, that's going to be interesting! Great continuation! I love this story, let me know when the next chapter is up and I'm adding this to my favourites :)Author's Response: Oh, thank you!
I put that line in there because that scene badly needed some comedic relief, lol.
Thank you so much for your lovely review and for adding it to your favorites! It means a lot to me. ^_^ Report Review
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